CAREY ROBERTS GETS AN FJM TREATMENT, A PAUL HARVEY ANTHOLOGY, AND A NICE GLASS OF PRUNE JUICE

I try to resist the temptation to go slogging around through the sewers of the internet looking for things to dissect, and in fact it is rarely necessary. The mainstream cadre of wingnut bloggers and columnists are so tenuously tethered to reality that they provide all the stupid I could ever hope to FJM in a lifetime. But beyond "respectable" wingnuts like Malkin, Coulter, Beck, etc. – the kind who are clearly insane yet still regularly invited onto news shows – there is another layer of crazy, a wingnuttosphere so wacky that even most Republicans dare not make eye contact with it.

In the brown, sticky layer of detritus on the bottom of the internet barrel there are sites like Renew America to bring us the thoughts of people who might have politely been asked to leave a John Birch Society meeting for being too crazy. Long story short, I was weak and I succumbed to the temptation to go on a canned hunt. I bring you Renew America's Carey Roberts ("Carey Roberts is an analyst and commentator on political correctness. His best-known work was an expose on Marxism and radical feminism.") in his revelatory new piece "2010 Will Be the Year of the Man." Isn't it about time men had a year?

Before we proceed, please be aware that this is Carey Roberts:

Oh hell yeah. It's about to get all crazy up in hee-are.

"Granddad, why are all those football players wearing pink shoes?" That was the topic of conversation this past Monday evening as my 13-year-old grandson and I watched the star-crossed Minnesota Vikings take on the New York Jets.

"Because they're a bunch of homos, Billy. Back in my day, gridiron warriors didn't need all these helmets and pads…in any color! Bronko Nagurski! Now that was a football player. This Favre fellow looks like a poof. Look! Look right there! He's a-tryin' to give the center a reacharound!"

"I think he's just lining up to take the snap, Granddad."

"Horsefeathers! Can't you tell a homo when you see one? Why they're practically humping right there on the field!"

I sagely explained that October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. His logical mind now ratcheting into overdrive, he tried to pin me down: "So when do the players wear blue shoes for prostate cancer awareness?"

I don't think he knows what "sagely" means.

Carey, I don't know you. And I'm not going to call you a liar. Wait, yes I am. There is no way in hell that this was your 13 year old grandson's response. None. It's going to turn out that you don't even have a grandson and this whole conversation took place in your head, isn't it? You know, like Fight Club. I'm sure you've read Fight Club.

That proved to be a harder question.

A) Because the season is 4 months long and they can't devote a month to every possible disease that needs curing
B) The Komen Foundation is incredibly well-organized and media savvy

The most time consuming part of coming to this conclusion was typing it. All told I'd say it took 10 to 12 seconds from question to typed answer.

In 1992, Barbara Boxer, Diane Feinstein, Patty Murray, and Carol Moseley Braun swept into the Senate in dramatic fashion, instantly inspiring the catch-phrase, "Year of the Woman." After the 1992 influx, female legislators continued to score steady gains, and now represent 17% of lawmakers, by interesting coincidence in both the Senate and the House.

Yes, it certainly was dramatic, the fashion in which these women swept into the Senate. Murray arrived in a burning, crash landing 737 from which she parachuted into the Capitol moments before it exploded. Moseley Braun leaped the Potomac on a dirt bike before barrel-rolling into the White House and crushing two Mountain Dew cans on her forehead. Feinstein was held hostage by the Shining Path. Boxer walked into the Senate calmly defusing a bomb.

(By the way, "interesting coincidence" is wingnut speak for "insidious conspiracy.")

But this coming November 2, the number of women in Congress is predicted to decline, the first time that's happened since 1978. David Wasserman, analyst at the non-partisan Cook Political Report, is now forecasting the number of females in the House will drop by 5-10 persons. In the Senate, the current count of 17 female lawmakers will be lucky to hold its own. Although the Chicken-Littles are already yelping about the impending social calamity, the reasons for this sudden reversal of political fortune deserve scrutiny.

Has anyone – ANYONE – thought about this for one second over the past year? Has anyone written or even thought about this election in terms of the gender balance in Congress?

Carey, I'd say your guess about why this is happening is as good as mine. I would say that, but unless your guess is "Female Democrats happen to be running in states in which things look good for Republicans," your guess is nowhere near as good as mine.

First and foremost, women are more likely than men to be of the liberal persuasion.

Really? After all the GOP has done to reach out to women? Apparently the ladies of this great nation haven't been paying enough attention to incontinent old men who write exposes of radical Marxist-feminism!

As columnist Allison Brown once put it, "Most women are natural socialists."

*spit take*

Well, the word of columnist Allison Brown is all the evidence I will ever need. Where is she a columnist, you ask? Why, LewRockwell.com, of course! The refuge of people who get kicked out of the Ron Paul movement for being bonkers. One step up from writing op-eds in the Michigan Militia's monthly newsletter. Yes, that LewRockwell.com. Members who sign up today receive a free 30-round magazine (5.56 NATO) and an email telling them when and where they are to report for their mandatory blowjob of a transvestite prostitute made up to look like Murray Rothbard.

That fact doesn't sit very well with a disaffected electorate that has been moving steadily to embrace the tenets of conservative philosophy.

'Bout time we give conservatism a try in this country!

It wasn't too many years ago, of course, that female candidates openly voiced the view that female lawmakers are more trust-worthy and less corrupt than their greedy male counterparts. Remember Hillary Clinton's chestnut that "Research shows the presence of women raises the standards of ethical behavior"? Hillary's declamation was instantly self-refuting, of course, in light her notorious Travelgate incident, cattle futures scam, and other ethical escapades.

Travelgate? Travelgate?!?!?! Jesus Christ, Carey. I realize that your cultural reference points are all from the Harding years, but bringing up the B-list Clinton era scandals, the ones no one cared about when they happened…which was twenty years ago??

And remember Nancy Pelosi's vow to run the "most ethical and honest Congress in history"? Then came the steady drumbeat of Democratic congressmen and women who were discovered to be delinquent on their taxes, forgetful with asset disclosure forms, or deceitful in funneling scholarship monies to family members.

Conservatives really believe strongly in paying their taxes. Really, ask Joe Miller, he'll tell you all about it. They are also above nepotism. Ask Bill Kristol. And they would never "forget" several million dollars in assets on disclosure forms. Ask Nathan Deal.

It's a political truism that fiscal conservativism appeals primarily to men. According to an April 18 Pew poll, 52% of men, compared to only 42% of women, favor cutting back government programs.

I like political truisms, like the one that statistics like this are only used to justify arguments by lazy hacks who don't understand how little numbers like these actually mean. But congrats on being able to use Google to sift through old surveys until finding one that says what you want it to say, Carey! That's more computer-savvy than I expected from you.

For the millions of men who gave the nod to Barack Obama two years ago, the turning point was the news that Obama had jiggered the stimulus package to favor school teachers, social workers, and other female-dominated government jobs, leaving millions of unemployed male factory hands and construction-workers holding the bag. Shuttling millions of formerly well-paid men onto the welfare rolls — that's what progressives call "social justice." And that's what Barack Obama meant when he told Joe the Plumber, "when you spread the wealth around, it's good for everybody."

Is this a joke? Does Carey Roberts exist or is he the creation of some smart-assed journalism grad students in Brooklyn? Obama's plan was…to screw over men? To…favor women? By "jiggering" the stimulus package (from Congress) to favor "female-dominated government jobs"?

As a result, the perennial gender gap has tacked strongly in favor of men. "Men make up a larger share of the likely voter pool," according to Quinnipiac pollster Doug Schwartz. This year is "among the bigger gender gaps we've seen," reveals Democratic pollster Celina Lake. And a Marist poll conducted last month found 48% of Republican men were "very enthusiastic" about voting, while only 28% of Democratic women rated themselves in like manner.

In January, we saw the gender gap bare its hairy chest in Massachusetts race. While 52% of the female electorate pulled the lever for Democrat Martha Coakley, 60% of the smaller but more unified male vote swung sharply in favor of Republican Scott Brown, handing the political unknown a stunning upset victory.

According to a statistic I just made up for this post, 64% of gay Hindus preferred the Delta Airlines in-flight meal over any of its competitors. However, follow-up studies show that they were less satisfied with their flight experience if the in-flight movie featured Mary Steenburgen.

But hey, this guy really knows how to selectively use poll data. That's not something you're born knowing how to do. It's a skill, and it can only be acquired through a diligent regimen of practice and barium enemas.

Commenting on recent presidential races, former Brandeis University professor Linda Hirshman explains, "With the possible exception of 1996, women have never voted a candidate into the White House when men thought the other guy should win."

Meaning…what?

Now back to the pink football cleats, pink gloves, pink chin straps, pink wrist and biceps bands, pink-crested baseball caps, pink towels, pink lapel ribbons, and of course the pink-themed Half-Time Show.

THANK GOD! I NEED CLOSURE ON THIS ANECDOTE! But seriously, check out these Pro Writing chops. Start the column with an anecdote, and then…wait for it…conclude by returning to it! Begin and end with the same pointless, made-up anecdote involving an utterly implausible conversation between Carey Roberts and his imaginary grandson named, for the sake of argument, Gulliver.

Seriously, why isn't the National Football League giving equal play to prostate cancer? After all, funding for prostate cancer has long lagged behind research for breast cancer. "Answer that question," I counseled my droopy-eyed grandson, "And you'll understand why 2010 is destined to be the Year of the Man."

Yes, that makes perfect sense. Yes, yes, of course. Tell me more.

*slowly lures Roberts toward a waiting van*

I know, I hear the voices too. Yes, I see that Gulliver's eyes are droopy. No, I don't know why. Why do you think they're droopy, Carey?

*prepares to drop giant net on the disoriented man shambling across his lawn*

Yes, I promise we'll take you to a male doctor. He's so male, it hurts. His name is Sergeant Ian Bonesteel and he doesn't cure diseases, he punches them. No, there won't be any women in the hospital. I know, I know, they're all Bitches, Granddad. You've warned me many times. Yes, we've heard all about the prostitute who gave you the Drip on that island after the Battle of Corregidor. Yes, we know you don't believe in insurance; Dr. Bonesteel accepts payment in buried yard gold. Just relax, Granddad. Relax. Here, have another prune. That's the best cure for what has you so cranky.

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26 Responses to “CAREY ROBERTS GETS AN FJM TREATMENT, A PAUL HARVEY ANTHOLOGY, AND A NICE GLASS OF PRUNE JUICE”

  1. freelancer Says:

    Note to Sadlynauts, this is how it's done. You used to be good at this. Please study. You used to make me weep with laughter, now not as much (Don Surber photoshops aside). That is all.

  2. Scott Says:

    I have not yet read this post, but as soon as I saw the picture of "Carey Roberts" I remembered this post from firejoemorgan.com.

    http://www.firejoemorgan.com/2008/03/cancel-baseball-cancel-sports-cancel.html

    Read it and enjoy.

  3. Erin Says:

    Isn't every third fucking commercial a "your prostate doesn't work so here's a pill to get your crank hard"? It's one month, you soon-to-be-dead worthless piece of shit.

    I can only guess what he sagely says about February…

  4. acer Says:

    FJM FTW.

  5. The Man, The Myth Says:

    Good post. I recall having a Professor tell me that the difference between female and male voting patterns is actually pretty marginal. He seems to be ignoring all the crazy females out there too. What about the lady who has to introduce her self by saying, "I am not a witch!"? Should be interesting in the coming weeks, I turned in an absentee ballot yesterday.

  6. ladiesbane Says:

    Buried Yard Gold (BYG) will be the standard monetary unit after the teabagger revolution. Then, after they realize that other people have all the gold, each man will create his own fiat currency good for all debts public and private with his personal sovereign Federal Reserve.

    (Women, being "natural Socialists", will "feel bad" for them and make no fuss when these men leave their play money as tips. Men will be so offended at the lack of conviction that they revoke the 19th Amendment. Why won't someone PLEASE think about the MEN?)

  7. Andrew R. Says:

    Ed, I very nearly laughed so hard that coffee came out of my nose. Well done!

  8. lm Says:

    "Buried yard gold" = instant classic

    *FWIW, I always knew chickens were artificially inflated.

  9. Jacquie Says:

    BraVO, Ed. I don't think anyone's pointed this out yet, but how did Carey get from female legislators "represent[ing] 17% of lawmakers" to the Senate having "the current count of 17 female lawmakers?" Does he not know how many senators we have, either?

  10. jazzbumpa Says:

    Jacquie -

    Double check my math, but I'm pretty sure that 17/100 is within 2 standard deviations of 17%.

    Cheers!
    JzB

  11. Brighton Says:

    Truth be told, Obama is a lousy socialist. They should kick him out of the socialist party: http://brighton-towne.blogspot.com/2010/10/obama-should-be-kicked-out-of-socialist.html

  12. Jacquie Says:

    JzB, you're right, and I should know better than to comment before my second cup of coffee.

    *hangs head in shame*

  13. Monkey Business Says:

    "The refuge of people who get kicked out of the Ron Paul movement for being bonkers. One step up from writing op-eds in the Michigan Militia's monthly newsletter."

    I lost my shit at that. I feel like there's money to be made in trolling the conservative underground.

  14. J. Dryden Says:

    Isn't it wonderful that the people most likely to live in bunkers are the people most likely to make *you* want to live in a bunker?

  15. Radical Scientist Says:

    I'm sure Mr. Roberts will be just thrilled when some group finally gets their 'Think of all the fun your prostate has let you have. Now shouldn't you do something nice for it?' ads on every bus and NFL jumbotron in the country. I'm sure that won't make him uncomfortable at all.

    And I'm impressed that he basically just came out and said '17% of congress reps are women? That is way too many! Next you'll be telling me the suffragettes are gainin' ground!'

  16. Sarah Says:

    Also by interesting coincidence women comprise 17% of the Senate, 17.2% of the House, and 51% of the population–oh, wait….

  17. Elle Says:

    Has anyone – ANYONE – thought about this for one second over the past year? Has anyone written or even thought about this election in terms of the gender balance in Congress?

    I hope so. Political representation is an important gender equality metric, and is a perfectly reasonable topic for discussion by smart, sober people.

  18. AL Says:

    Why does his grandson know what a prostate is? Maybe he learned about the gland's function in the sex education class that liberals pushed into the curriculum!

  19. Ladiesbane Says:

    Elle, I do think about it — but my own choices are Jerry Brown and Meg Whitman. Not that you implied otherwise, but gender parity is nowhere near the top of the list of concerns in this race. Perhaps the requirement to run as a Republican woman is a ton of crazy, evil, or stupid — or mix'n'match.

  20. Elle Says:

    [G]ender parity is nowhere near the top of the list of concerns in this race. Perhaps the requirement to run as a Republican woman is a ton of crazy, evil, or stupid — or mix'n'match.

    You are right, of course, that electing just any woman is no guarantee of anything. It seems that a requirement on women who aspire to become Republican candidates in winnable races, is that they publicly and comprehensively piss all over the notion of equality. Sarah Palin's recasting of feminism is a case in point.

    A feature of elections in Europe, though, is a discussion (intra-party, within the public policy community, and in the broadsheet newspapers) about the supply chain of female candidates, and the efficacy of selection processes in identifying female talent. (There is no real tradition of primaries in Europe, although there have been a number in Italy, and one candidate selected by open primary in the UK.)

  21. jazzbumpa Says:

    Angle – crazy with stupid tendencies*
    O'Donnell – stupid with crazy tendencies*
    Whitman – pure evil

    Jacquie -
    Buck up. If I'd known you were caffeine deprived, I would have let it slide.

    * Upon further review, I might have these reversed.

    WASF!
    JzB

  22. Paul W. Luscher Says:

    A prune won't help a constipated mind.

  23. mcsey Says:

    eh.

    Your fisking was more hysterical than his post.

    Fail on points, so the win goes to the guy that is so old to have an excuse.

  24. g Says:

    But wait, I thought this was the Year of the Mama Grizzly?

  25. Rick Massimo Says:

    "As columnist Allison Brown once put it, "Most women are natural socialists."

    It's a political truism that fiscal conservativism appeals primarily to men. According to an April 18 Pew poll, 52% of men, compared to only 42% of women, favor cutting back government programs."

    And anytime men's and women's opinions differ, it's proof that women are crazy. Just because. Which is not sexist at all.

  26. Bugboy Says:

    Hey…how did you get a picture of Mr. Robinson, the old fart down the road from me who used to gripe about paying school taxes?

    Have you noticed these pukes have been talking alot about how much those damned high-rolling waitresses are making with their enormous salaries? That's why we need to shitcan minimum wage! Waitresses: Destroying America, one tip at a time!