CARLY'S MAGIC BOX

A tale of two Teabaggers explaining their detailed platform for governing while on the campaign trail. First, Carly Fiorina (via TBogg) with Chris Wallace of noted liberal network Fox News:

WALLACE: But forgive me, Miss Fiorina, where are you going to cut entitlements? What benefits are you going to cut? What eligibility are you doing..

FIORINA: Chris, I have to say, with all due respect, you’re asking a typical political question.[...]

WALLACE: It may be a typical political question but that’s where the money is. The money is in Medicare and Social Security. We have baby-boomers coming. There will be a huge explosion of entitlement explosion and you call it a political question when I ask you to name one single entitlement you are willing to cut.

FIORINA: Chris, I believe to deal with entitlement reform, which we must deal with, we ought to put every possible solution on the table, except we should be very clear we are not going to cut benefits to those nearing retirement or those nearing retirement or those in retirement.[...]

WALLACE: I’m going to try one last time, and if you don’t want to answer it, Miss Fiorina, you don’t have to.

FIORINA: It’s not a question of not wanting to answer it!

Next, see Ron Johnson in a rare media interview (Mitch McConnell and the NRSC have done an excellent job of keeping him hidden so no one hears him talk) with a Green Bay newspaper that has endorsed Russ Feingold's opponent in 3 consecutive elections. No transcript, but the short 65 second video is subtitled if you don't have sound. Via my friend DJ:

Note the endearing shrug when they ask him "What about the middle class?"

So, let's review the Fiorina/Johnson plan for solving our most pressing political and economic issues. First, Fiorina on entitlement spending:

1. Promise not to touch benefits for the current elderly that the GOP so badly needs to appease, not to mention keep angry at the colored guy with the taxes and whatnot
2. Put "all options on the table"
3. *SOMETHING MAGICAL AND MYSTERIOUS HAPPENS*
4. The entitlement spending problem is solved!!!!

I see. Now, Ron Johnson on creating jobs:

1. Cut "spending." Of some sort.
2. *PUT EVERYTHING INTO THE BLACK BOX OF SECRETS*
3. Unemployment over!

This is the basic GOP/Teabagger/Wingnut Blogger strategy for the last several years – offer some vague policy prescription, vehemently refuse to provide any specifics or acknowledge the numbers/facts of the situation, put everything into a magic box in which something happens, and PROBLEM SOLVED! They know that the Federal budget can't be balanced with spending cuts unless they're going to eliminate, say, the military AND Medicare. And I mean completely eliminate them. Zero. They know that all they're going to do is nibble at the edges, making a few cuts that will make absolutely no difference whatsoever – and then negating them with an equal or greater increase in spending on their precious, precious military.

What happens in Carly's Magic Box is anyone's guess, but in a movement in which the means (cutting taxes, deregulation, etc.) have become the ends, I'd sure like to get a peek inside to see how these "solutions" they propose transmogrify into the outcomes they promise.

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28 Responses to “CARLY'S MAGIC BOX”

  1. Fifth Dentist Says:

    You've left out the magic bullet: Tax cuts!
    See, when you cut taxes federal revenues increse. Always. Every time. Except when they don't.
    And when you increase military spending Republican Jesus masturbates and is so pleased he sprinkles magic fairy dust in the air to balance the budget.

  2. Nunya Says:

    They left out the real key to ending unemployment – get rid of the minimum wage, roll back any health, safety or environmental regulations and bring back childrens' right to work.

    Now America can compete with the powerhouse economies of Bangladesh and Somalia.

    I can't believe how many people still buy this tired, disproven rationality.

    Unrestrained capitalism is the problem. The death of effective labor unions is the problem. Corporate personhood is the problem.

  3. J. Dryden Says:

    I swear, I'm becoming more of a pussy-ass liberal every day, because the more Teabaggers talk, the more I realize that I'm opposed to just about everything that they want. And yet sometimes we're so close–to wit: Spending. I, too, believe that we should cut spending. I believe we should cut it in places where it is wasteful–unnecessary–superfluous–all those synonyms. And therefore I believe that we should cut military spending by just a staggering amount. Why? Not because we don't need a robust military. (No, when you've systematically pissed off 1/4 of the planet with your "Islam Can Go Fuck Itself" doctrine, you need to keep your powder dry and plentiful.) It's just that, well, we *have* a robust military. And by "robust" I mean "insane." And by "insane," I mean that Patton would look at our current state of military preparedness and wonder whether we might have gone just a wee bit overboard.

    Perhaps if we just pull out of our Middle East debacle–which we're going to do eventually *anyway*, so fuck it–and agree that *this* year's model of the Kill-O-Bot 9000, which is still decades ahead of anything our nearest rivals can come up with, will tide us over for the next few years–why, we might actually be able to afford decent retirement benefits and long-term medical care for our veterans!

    But we'll never do this, because it's logical, reasonable, and safe, and because all of those 'pros' are chaff in the wind of the big 'con': the prevailing belief among the gap-brained that the Cold War is still being fought, and only by outspending our enemy can we defeat him.

    And since the Teabaggers are indeed the gap-brained children of this ridiculous bag of goods, sold to them by St. Ronald of Tampico, they will never actually achieve what they desire, alas poor fools, and alas, too, for those of us who have to share the country with them.

  4. Eau Says:

    "…alas, too, for those of us who have to share this planet with them."

    Fixed.

    But at least we have this version of reality all to ourselves.

  5. Jude Says:

    Oh sweet, naive Ed.

    Ron Johnson already said that this election isn't about details–why would you expect him to provide any?

    Yeah, he said that. And son of a bitch, he's right. This election isn't about details. It's about the Republicans saying "In the last year and a half, these cocksuckers haven't unfucked everything that we spent the last 20 years fucking up! Give us the keys again!"

    And the voting public, the largest bloc of masochists in the world, might do just that.

    How some people think that there is a just an loving god in this universe, I'll never know.

  6. Bette Noir Says:

    Welcome to the United States of Plutocracy. Now that POTUS, SCOTUS and Congress are fully-owned subsidiaries of Koch Industries, et al, it really doesn't matter a whole lot what political candidates think, say or do. All of this campaign hoopla is theater for the masses. Come election time, Americans are used to political TV ads, smear campaigns, the witless interviewing the clueless, and dumb and dumber debating each other on non-issues. The show must go on . . .

  7. I'm Just a Bill Says:

    This whole system is a machine. A well oiled, full of fuel machine. What are we whining about now – Bush tax cuts, Bush isn't even in office anymore. So a bunch of whiney tea tards get government jobs with excellent benefits & start to try to repeal the moderate health care bill that was enacted under Obama. Ed has already exposed this folly for what it is worth…

    Then they are going to cut the size of the federal Government just like Clinton did. The response to that was to hire civilian Contractors like Lockheed Martin, Haliburton, Booz Allen Hamilton, etc. Now there are more civilian contractors than Federales & they are being very well compensated. You just go to any of the beltway badits offices & take a look in the parking lot. Then go to the Federal employees parking lot…

  8. anotherbozo Says:

    @Bette Noir: like you said. Panem et circenses!

  9. Elder Futhark Says:

    What's in the black box? Just like the Flinstones! Monkeys and birds!

    And every inside surface covered in a sheen of shit.

  10. smelter rat Says:

    I don't even want to think of Carly's magic box. Ewww.

  11. Keifus Says:

    Every single time I hear about Carly Fiorina's political clout, I'm reduced to sputtering and double-takes (not to mention ranting the same point over and over again). Fiorina? Really? I guess I'm enough of a techie to remember the way she turned HP into a competitive instrument company into a shell, divested of respected products and its remarkable staff of engineers. Anyone who buys into her ideas of leadership or economic prowess deserves what they get. Maybe, if they're still making them, they'll have developed an application for your Presario that will direct you to the nearest breadline.

  12. John Says:

    The way that interview went:

    WALLACE: But forgive me, Miss Fiorina, where are you going to cut entitlements? What benefits are you going to cut? What eligibility are you doing..

    FIORINA: Chris, I have to say, with all due respect, you’re asking a typical political question.[...]

    WALLACE: I’m going to try one last time, and if you don’t want to answer it, Miss Fiorina, you don’t have to.

    FIORINA: It’s not a question of not wanting to answer it!

    The way that interview would have gone in a just society that holds its politicians accountable:

    WALLACE: But forgive me, Miss Fiorina, where are you going to cut entitlements? What benefits are you going to cut? What eligibility are you doing..

    FIORINA: Chris, I have to say, with all due respect, you’re asking a typical political question.

    WALLACE: Shut up and answer the question.

    FIORINA: Chris, you're *clearly* just being a partisan–

    WALLACE: NO! You don't get to come on here, say you're going to 'cut spending', and then refuse to elaborate on which spending. Name the programs or get the hell out!

    FIORINA: But–

    WALLACE: Look, there are two possibilities here. Either you won't say which programs because you don't know, in which case you're an idiot spouting platitudes and buzzwords. Or you won't say which because you don't actually intend to cut any programs, in which case you're a filthy liar. Which is it?

    I'm so goddamn angry I can't see straight. She says "cut spending". He says "Which spending". She replies "That's just a typical political question" — GODDAMNIT! Why do people allow them to get away with this?! "Which spending, specifically, are you going to cut?" is not a fucking partisan question! It's requiring you to do more than say some generic, meaningless platitude! And if you can't or won't answer, fuck you and get the fuck out of the race!

  13. Andy Brown Says:

    The Republican Party, like the wars on drugs and terror, is not a real instrument for accomplishing anything constructive. It has morphed into a whirling dervish of political nonsense that serves only to perpetuate itself, serve as covering fire for plutocratic looting, and to ensure that political democracy cannot function.

    Is there actually a "problem" purportedly dear to the hearts of the party that Republican policies would actually solve rather than worsen? On the contrary, except for oppressing gays and keeping Joe Public armed, I can't think of any policy in the platform that isn't just malignly counter-productive smokescreen quackery. Immigration? check. Deficit spending? check. Abortion? check. Energy independence? check. Corruption? checkity-check-check.

    Though the Democratic Party is too conservative, too wealthy, too corrupt, too gerontocratic, and too pleased with its own timidity, it is at least still a potential instrument of administration and even sometimes, can be a reluctant servant of the public good. The Republican Party is nothing more than a zombie institution animated by billionaire mischief-makers and their mercenary symbiotes.

  14. ryan Says:

    So we're about to elect the Underpants Gnomes. Cool. And by cool, I mean… Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

  15. glf Says:

    Wallace should have a responded with the fact that Carly is interviewing for a political position and not a corporate one and therefore she should answer political questions.
    And he should have asked her why people should vote for her, and unknown/untried politicians like her, if she can't even suggest specific solutions to the issues facing our country.

  16. Monkey Business Says:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zcAaertdaQk

    We need a third party in this country; a party of reckless arrogant stupid dicks. The Democrats are pussies. The Republicans are assholes. The Democrats won't like us, because they're pussies, and they're going to get fucked. But we're also gonna fuck the Republicans, because they're assholes. Assholes that want to shit on everything. The Democrats want to deal with the Republicans their way, but the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. Sometimes we'll fuck too much and inappropriately, and the Democrats will show us this, because they're pussies. But we'll keep the Democrats from getting so full of shit they turn in to assholes themselves, because they're only an inch and a half away from Republicans.

    I don't know much in this crazy crazy world, but I do know that unless they let us fuck these assholes, we're gonna have our dicks and our pussies all covered in shit.

  17. Brighton Says:

    The teabaggers don't want to govern, they just want to complain.
    England is cutting the heart out of its welfare programs and they're going to see economic meltdown and rioting in the streets. Perhaps then we can get some socialist reforms. After all, they are just hedge funds for the working class, pooling our resources to lower our risks. My two cents here: http://brighton-towne.blogspot.com/2010/10/hedge-funds-for-working-man.html

  18. Radical Scientist Says:

    John–you missed the first thing that came to my mind, which is that she does have some idea of what she wants to cut, but doesn't want to say so for fear of losing supporters. Cut food stamps and TANF, and the teabaggers will be happy, but she risks critics pointing out those programs are pretty small in the big picture, and accusing her of going soft Touch Medicare or SS, and she's dead–even the wingnut base gets touchy when you go after programs that benefit them directly. So the safest route is to tell everyone you want to cut someone else's entitlements, then hide till after the election. I wouldn't bet much money that Fiorina is that savvy, but it is possible.

  19. Paul W. Luscher Says:

    Re their solutions (tax cuts, dereg, etc) and promised outcomes:

    No they WON'T give those promised outcomes. We don't even have to guess about that. What we've been going through since 2008 is the end result of thirty years of those very policies, blessed and brought to us by St Reagan.

    The only magic here is the complete inability of these people to see that their professed policies have been conclusively proven to be a failure–and the proof is right in front of their faces.

  20. Johnny Foreigner Says:

    Ron Johnson says spending has almost doubled since 2000? WTF does he expect if you wage two pointless and very expensive wars in the intervening years?

  21. evrenseven Says:

    I'll tell you exactly what's in her sweet, sweet mystery box…. *me*. grrrrrr….

  22. EJ Says:

    It's a trite observation, but I think these people really are the Underpants Gnomes.

  23. svnski Says:

    Doesn't Johnson remember who was in charge after 2000 when spending doubled? And he still wants you Americans to vote for him?

  24. comrade x Says:

    Monkey Business:
    Isn't it a truly fucked up time in our nation's history history when you can find more wisdom in the disgusting, but hilarious, monolouge of a puppet than in all the canned speeches made by the people seeking public office?

  25. Chris Says:

    Phase 1: Collect Underpants
    Phase 2: ?
    Phase 3: Profit

    At least the underwear gnomes somewhat had an idea about reaching their goal.

  26. The Man, The Myth Says:

    Cripes! I'm so tired of talking and thinking about teaparty assholes. Who gives a shit? Its simply unfuckinbelievable that anyone would ever even contemplate voting for a Republican for thirty years & yet two years in and here we are. Somehow on Wednesday night I watched 10 minutes of Bill O Rielly's show – he and Dick Morris said that Republicans would likely regain the Senate. That can't be true can it? I think this is really an altered universe and when I wake up things will be better.

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