NPF: THERE IS NO PLACE LEFT TO HIDE

(Note: NPF is being observed on Thursday so that the coveted 2010 CotY Award can be given out on Friday, Dec. 31)

Friend and reader Pauline V. brought to my attention something so disturbing that I cannot help but share it. She discovered, under circumstances about which I desire to know absolutely nothing, that there is a "Fantasies" section (warning: there are no pictures, but it is definitely "adult" content) on Tonya Harding's official website. Again, I do not want to know how or why she discovered this. Plausible deniability. The important thing is that we collectively come to the realization that anyone on the planet with an internet connection can read 1607 user-generated works of fiction about engaging in a variety of sexual activities with the disgraced Olympian, amateur wedding night video star, and female boxer.

Sadly, the "Rejected Fantasies" link is no longer functional. To think that one could submit something that fails to qualify as one of the 1607 best Tonya Harding sex fantasy stories on the internet is…disturbing. But the internet is all about disturbing. It is approximately 5% useful (or inoffensively useless) information and 95% demented, horrible shit. As much as I love and take full advantage of the internet, I hate the way that it forces us to be so keenly aware of all of the crazy and stupid in the world.

Prior to the internet, the world community of people who want to write amateur porn about Tonya Harding would have been unable to come together to indulge their mutual interest. Since the anonymity afforded by the internet is essential to getting people to participate in creepy shit, it's not like this could have been done pre-internet in a magazine or something. So without the internet the rest of us could have lived our entire lives blissfully unaware of the fact that anything like this exists in the world.

Yes, I've focused on a rather esoteric and silly example here. But the internet is constantly forcing us to be aware of every creepy-ass fetish, hobby, interest, and opinion our fellow humans have. This is the downside of this amazing tool for communicating and sharing information – we get our news instantaneously and can chat with friends across the globe, but we must accept the occasional forced recognition of the existence of things like "furries", Ukranian mail order bride services, and the parade of horrors that is Craigslist.

It is both fitting and logical, I suppose, that a resource offering literally a world of information would end up providing us with a little too much information on a regular basis. I can tell that some of you are skeptical, but I can guarantee that you are a happier person right now than you will be after you watch 45 seconds of this:

"And God wept" is the next line, I believe.

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25 Responses to “NPF: THERE IS NO PLACE LEFT TO HIDE”

  1. Matthew Says:

    I don't think "allowing you to be aware of" is quite the same thing as "forcing." Yes, this is some rather odd stuff, but just because something is on the internet somewhere, that doesn't mean you necessarily have to click on links that lead to those weird places.

  2. Mike BC Says:

    I always trot this out when this basic convo comes up: Small Wonder fanfic. Thankfully not porn (well, I never read any of it):

    http://members.surfbest.net/smallwonder@surfbest.net/Fanfic-Art/Fanfic-Art.html

  3. Hazy Davy Says:

    Re: Tonya Harding website, specifically –
    Ed, seriously, leave people alone. It's just a few people with their fetishes, and you don't have to make such a big deal about it. [Checks website, scans random paragraph of 2 fantasies] Holy Loris of Retardation! This can't be real. These are Tonya's fantasies, right? She's just another middle-aged has been with a LiveJournal, right?

    Re: interests and the long tail.
    I can't begrudge other people's fulfillment, as I'm sure I have some eccentricities I haven't yet realized are eccentricities. Wanting to try pizza in every city I visit is probably just as weird as wearing a mask or wanting to have my own Penthouse Forum with Tonya Harding.

  4. jon Says:

    Thank you for this. I've needed some inspiration ever since my ladyfriend suggested that I write for her website: http://badpornwithstickfigures.blogspot.com

    It takes a lot to get me out of the mood and into a terrible one.

  5. Itinerant Pedant Says:

    Rule 34, man.

    http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Rule%2034

    Also, Rule 35.

    http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Rule+35

  6. Matt Says:

    If Tonya Harding fantasies are the creepiest thing you've encountered on the internet, count yourself lucky. At least in those it's reasonable to presume that the sex partners are (1) of legal age, (2) both of the same species, (3) both willing, (4) both alive, at least at the beginning, and (5) engaged in *reasonably* conventional sexual activity, probably not involving vomit, blood and/or feces. There's plenty of sites where some or all those assumptions may not apply.

    Oh, and in a lighter vein, this:

    http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ash/1457253329.html

    The very last line provides much lulz.

  7. Southern Beale Says:

    RE: The video, What the hell was that? A person? In a suit? A person suit? It creeped me out.

  8. chautauqua Says:

    Furries and Female Masking are pretty trivial stuff in the scheme of things. Undoubtedly the world would be a prettier place if we didn't have to see the occasional roadkill. Get over it, man.

  9. Paul W. Luscher Says:

    Hey, don't be too hard on him. It's a bit like trying to avoid the idiocies of Pop Culture and celebrity worship: you can't, even if you want to.

    Go to the grocery store, and when you get to the checkout stand, what's there? People! US!OK! The Star! The Enquirer! etc,etc–Eva Longoria Wants A Baby! Taylor And Jake Hook Up! Britney Tells K-Fed Her Last New Man Beat Her Up!

    And it's the same with the Internet. No matter how you might try to avoid it, sooner or later you're going to run into some piece of sludge…..Only there's a hell of a lot of it out there now….

    Unfortunately, the Internet has allowed people with certain kinks in their brains an opportunity they never had before to blare out their particular perversions to the rest of the world–whether or not the world really wants to hear it.

    Yes, one of the sad results of the Internet is that it allowed us an opportunity to dive to the lowest common denominator in a hurry (i.e., look at the comments to any political news story on Yahoo. Oftentimes, they start at the Neanderthal level–and descend from there….).

  10. BillCinSD Says:

    "Prior to the internet, the world community of people who want to write amateur porn about Tonya Harding would have been unable to come together to indulge their mutual interest. Since the anonymity afforded by the internet is essential to getting people to participate in creepy shit, it's not like this could have been done pre-internet in a magazine or something. So without the internet the rest of us could have lived our entire lives blissfully unaware of the fact that anything like this exists in the world. "

    Evidently you never heard about Penthouse's forum. Also, I had a friend that worked at a bookstore dealing in pornographic books, magazines and short films; magazines like Tits in Bondage or Pregnant Pussy suggest that people were in fact able to indulge in mutual (well not on my part, I preferred Beautiful Women) interests just as icky as Tonya Harding-based porn

  11. acer Says:

    @BillCinSD:
    Lyrics very NSFW: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q7EGWwQwYgE

  12. J. Dryden Says:

    There's (if I'm reading it correctly) a validity to Ed's point, so long as we remember to draw the line between "embarassment" and "shame." The web has enabled the sharing of personal information (and thus the enabling of personal conduct) that, in ye olden dayes, would have earned the sharer massive heaps of both.

    I'm a big believer in Letting People Be People, Provided They're Doing It With Other Consenting Adults–and thus, I believe that the internet, in removing a great deal of pointless "shame" from our lives, has done a lot of good (Furries, Harding Fetishists, et al. do no harm and provide each other with merry release)–But. That Said. I'm also a big believer in Dude, Keep It Private–and thus, I believe that it's unfortunate that we've lost the ability to be embarrassed along with our ability to be ashamed.

    Everybody masturbates. Thus, no one should be ashamed for doing so. But if Chat Roulette is any indication, no one is embarrassed for doing so in front of total strangers. And they should be. They really, really should be. I like teh internetz, I really do–and I like that it's helped lonely people find each other and be less lonely. But it's also destroyed decorum, and if you think that's "tough luck," allow me to read selections from the trans-gender rape porn site at your grandmother's funeral.

  13. teadoust Says:

    hate to lower the level of discourse here, but jeez! tanya sure has packed on a few dozen unneeded pounds.

  14. Jimcat Says:

    Who among us weighs the same as they did when they were 23 and engaging in intense exercise daily?

  15. jazzbumpa Says:

    Well, I made it to the 45 second mark of the vid, and there was no noticeable effect, either plus or minus, on my level of happiness. There was also no reason to continue watching.

    On the other hand (so to speak) I followed Jon's link to badprnwithsticjfigures and found Love Buffet of Love by Divinity Deveaux to be quite hilariously edifying. The site appears to be sort of a poor (and horny plus possibly not anyways near as bright) man's XKCD.

    The Craig's list entry – not so much. Except maybe the peppers.

    Happy end of the old year, everybody!

    Cheers!
    JzB

  16. Xynzee Says:

    http://xkcd.com/305/

  17. Nunya Says:

    I give the Internet its due in promoting the "what's the big deal" push that gay rights needed. The thought of two dudes going at it in a committed relationship doesn't hold a candle to some of the shit most people have seen without even trying.

    I'm a big fan of live and let live but I have to second J. Dryden's opinion about keeping a few things to yourself. Shame shouldn't keep a person from living the life they want to lead but understanding that your predilections may be slightly or, in this case, WAY outside the standards of normal conduct should at least give a person pause.

    In the same way that I didn't tell the hot girl I met at a party that I was at one point really into Ham radio, I assume I'd let my affection for plushies or an obsession with Tonya Harding wait until the third date.

    But then again, I'm old and busted, as the kids today like to say.

  18. Da Moose Says:

    When I used to live out in Portland the second time, I found myself in a time of many drunk as a skunk pulling levers at a bar. Yes, I was at a machine putting dollar bills in and looking to break the bar's bank. But, lo and behold what doth my eye see? But Tanya Harding looking straight at me. This was 2000. Portland bar. Me and Tanya. Next to each other. Gambling together again.

  19. Zebbidie Says:

    Good heavens! The Tonya Harding Wedding Night Video had completly slipped my mind. I'm all nostalgic now. Remember how they used to try to suppress celebrity sex videos instead of negotiating distribution rights?

  20. teadoust Says:

    @jimcat
    true.
    but i rather fancied harding back in her skating days, so it's something of a disappointment.

  21. mother earth Says:

    It's not just the porn and weirdo fetishes for me. I can't take every tragic and sad story that somehow merits a listing on news websites. I realized a long time ago that too much of a good thing, is well, too much. I wish I could be around long enough to see the outcome of web surfing, texting relationships and all the other impacts that technology is having us. But I am definitely old and busted! I see Tonya on World's Dumbest whatever along with the rest of the comedians and has beens hosts and she's actually pretty funny. Of course I only see it in 2 minute increments since I have developed chronic channel surfing, which I blame on technology!!!

  22. Name Withheld Out Of Shame Says:

    From the Rejected Fantasies files:

    "When Draco Malfoy sees Tanya and Nancy watersporting on ice, he decides a little magic might add to the fun…"

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