NPF: CAMPAIGN OF THE DAMNED

On the Gin and Tacos Facebook page (which you should join even though Facebook is now trying to make us pay them to let you see the things we post) I have a lot of fun with other styles of writing beyond Serious Political Stuff, although there is certainly enough of that too. Many of you are aware that my humor preferences tend toward the absurd. I have been posting these random bits of strangeness for a while, often but not always centered around on fantastical takes on the Romney/Ryan campaign. It has been inspired in no small part by the brilliant twitter account of one Daniel Manitou, as well as my friends Will and Pauline who both excel at this sort of thing. Every time I post one of these bits of surrealism, someone comments that I should collect them all in one place for easy reading. Well, here they are. I'm loosely calling this "Campaign of the Damned" until I concoct a better name.

If you look at this and think something along the lines of, "What in the holy hell is this?" then perhaps this type of humor simply isn't for you. No hard feelings. It's an acquired taste.

10/23/2012
ROMNEY RESPONDS TO A QUESTION ABOUT LIBYA BY PROJECTING A RAINBOW COLORED PARABOLIC ARC OF VOMIT ACROSS THE DESK AND INTO BOB SCHIEFFER’S WAITING MAW. THE FOCUS GROUP LINES JERK UPWARD IN APPROVAL. HE APOLOGIZES IN A CHORUS OF FIVE DISTINCT VOICES EMANATING FROM THE SAME MOUTH. "I ATE RAFALCA," HE SAYS BY WAY OF EXPLANATION. THIS IS THE KIND OF DIMENSIONLESS WRAITH YOU WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A BEER WITH.

10/18/2012
SANDRA LEE HANDS YOU HER RECIPE. IT CALLS FOR "STAR ANUS." IT IS NOT A MISPRINT.

10/16/2012
CARL, A SOYBEAN DEHULLER FROM UTICA, ASKS ABOUT TAX CUTS FOR WORKING MOMS. MITT ROMNEY OPENS A PORTAL TO ANOTHER DIMENSION ONSTAGE. HIS RAMBLING, FOUR MINUTE ANSWER USES THE WORD "FISTULA" 12 TIMES. HE NEVER EXPLAINS THE PORTAL.

10/13/2012
IS IT FRIDAY OR IS IT SATURDAY? DOES IT EVEN MATTER ANYMORE?
::FLINGS FECES::

10/3/2012
ROMNEY SCANS THE AUDIENCE FOR C.H.U.D.s BEFORE THROWING BACK HIS HEAD, UNHINGING HIS JAW, AND EMITTING A LUNG-SHATTERING WHINE. THE ROOM IS SILENT. HE THRUSTS A FIST SKYWARD AND COMMANDS THE PEOPLE OF EARTH NEVER TO TRUST A BIG BUTT AND A SMILE. JIM LEHRER SHIFTS IMPERCEPTIBLY; "MR. OBAMA. 60 SECONDS FOR YOUR REBUTTAL." HE INHALES DEEPLY THE SMELL OF SINGED HAIR.

9/26/2012
GET UP YOU SONOFABITCH, 'CAUSE MICKEY LOVES YA.

9/24/2012
MITT ROMNEY REFERS TO THE POOR AS "GENETIC DETRITUS" ONSTAGE. THE ENTIRE CAMPAIGN RECEIVES THE TEXT MESSAGE THEY HAVE LONG DREADED: "CREATE DIVERSION." A TOPLESS BAY BUCHANAN UNICYCLES ACROSS THE STAGE; JOHN SUNUNU REACHES INTO A DUFFEL BAG AND WITHDRAWS THE SEVERED HEAD OF DARIUS RUCKER; PAUL RYAN EMERGES IN BLACKFACE AND BEGINS A MINSTREL SHOW. THE CROWD QUIETLY ENVIES THE DEAD.

9/18/2012
SECRET FUND RAISER VIDEO REVEALS MITT ROMNEY RELEASING AN EGG SAC FROM HIS CLOACA AS ANN SHOUTS "PUT ON SOME CLOWN MAKEUP AND FUNNY FUCK ME" TO NO ONE IN PARTICULAR.

9/12/2012
YOU HAVE BEEN SENTENCED TO: *DEATH*. TO APPEAL YOUR SENTENCE OF *DEATH*, PRESS OR SAY "ONE". TO ACCEPT YOUR SENTENCE, PRESS OR SAY "SURRENDER." TO LEARN ABOUT EXCITING OFFERS ON VACATION PROPERTIES, REMAIN ON THE LINE OR MASH THE KEYPAD AGAINST YOUR FOREHEAD. TO HEAR THESE OPTIONS AGAIN, INSERT THE CRAB KNIFE FROM YOUR SEAFOOD PREPARATION KIT INTO YOUR ABDOMEN NOW.

8/28/2012
A NUDE OCTOGENARIAN SPLAYS HERSELF ACROSS THE HOOD. A MAN IN A CATTLE SKULL AND LOINCLOTH POINTS HIS DOWSING ROD MENACINGLY. DRUIDS CIRCLE YOUR CAR CHANTING "REINCE PRIEBUS, REINCE PRIEBUS" WHILE SELF-FLAGELLATING. YOU CAN NO LONGER REMEMBER IF YOU ARE AT THE REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION OR BURNING MAN.

8/16/2012
YOU ARE LED INTO A DANK GYMNASIUM. THE ROOM IS EMPTY BUT FOR YOU AND ANN ROMNEY'S DRESSAGE HORSE. YOU EXCHANGE KNOWING GLANCES. IT BEGINS ITS SURREAL HORSE BALLET. BETWEEN MOVEMENTS YOU COULD SWEAR IT MOUTHS "HELP ME." THIS IS NOT THE BIRTHDAY GIFT YOU WANTED; IT IS THE ONE YOU DESERVED.

7/30/2012
CELEBRITYBLUMPKIN.ORG RECEIVES ITS TEN MILLIONTH VISITOR. YOU WERE WISE TO REGISTER THE DOMAIN. YOU ARE THE MASTER OF ALL YOU SURVEY. IN THE DISTANCE YOU HEAR THE MOURNFUL CRY OF THE LOON.

7/23/2012
INFORMATION SUPREMACY IS THE HOT NEW LOOK FOR THE FALL. GREAT DEALS FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY. ENTER YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER AND A LIST OF YOUR FEARS.

7/13/2012
YOU SIT ALONE IN YOUR APARTMENT LISTLESSLY PERUSING MITT ROMNEY'S WEBSITE. A BUTTON ENCOURAGES YOU TO DONATE TODAY. YOU CLICK IT. YOUR COMPUTER BEGINS TO EMIT AN OMINOUS SOUND AND ODOR. CHILDREN OUTSIDE YOUR WINDOW BEGIN WALKING ON ALL FOURS. THE DOG STARES AT YOU. WHY DID YOU HAVE TO CLICK THAT BUTTON.

5/18/2012
TEN ASSHOLES FOUND ASSHOLES THEY WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH USING ASSHOLE FINDER. FIND YOUR ASSHOLES NOW.

4/24/2012
THE SKELETON IS COATED WITH A THIN LAYER OF SPACE-AGE LUBRICANTS. EACH SLIMY, OFF-PINK CADAVER MUSCLE IS CAREFULLY STAPLED INTO PLACE – THEY LOOK AND SMELL LIKE PUTREFYING TUNA. TECHNICIANS CHECK EACH SERVO-ACTIVATOR ONE LAST TIME. THEY FIND NO FAULTS. THE MOURNFUL CALL OF AN ALPENHORN SUMMONS THE DWARF LABORERS. IT IS TIME.

ANN ROMNEY IS READY TO BE REINSERTED INTO HER SKIN.

3/31/2012
THE NATION WAITS PENSIVELY FOR THE LOTTERY WINNER TO COME FORWARD. CHILDREN GATHER STONES.

2/17/2012
THE SANTORUMS ENJOY A LOVELY VALENTINE'S DINNER. RICK SLOWLY REALIZES THAT THE WAITER IS A GAY. THE MOON ABRUPTLY SHIFTS TO A RETROGRADE ORBIT. THE CRUST SPLITS BENEATH HIS FEET. SATAN EMERGES, URGING YOU TO TRY THE MEATLOAF. IT SMELLS OF JACKFRUIT AND BURNING TIRES. YOU HAVE NEVER TASTED ANYTHING QUITE LIKE IT.

You know, it didn't strike me that I might be a crazy person until I saw them all in one place.

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38 Responses to “NPF: CAMPAIGN OF THE DAMNED”

  1. ladiesbane Says:

    It's also Achewood redux. I dig it, but it's not for everyone.

  2. Daniel Says:

    I always assumed you were doing a bizarre take on Choose Your Own Adventure books. Also, it seemed like some of these drops of hilarity were inspired by text-based computer games from the the Old Days of computer gaming.

  3. LK Says:

    There's a writer in Israel I wish you were able to follow, but automatic translation to/from Hebrew is not there yet, IMO. If you have someone to help you- Uzi Weil.

  4. chautauqua Says:

    I'll have whatever you're having….

  5. J. Dryden Says:

    Reading them all at once? Not so disturbing. Writing them all at once? SHINING territory. So just…space it out there, Mr. Torrance.

  6. Middle Seaman Says:

    At times, I am totally lost. Always thought that my humor passes the test, but it turns out the Midwestern version has eluded me. There is a world of difference between WASP humor and the humor of African American, Jews and other ethnic groups.

    For instance: "ANN ROMNEY IS READY TO BE REINSERTED INTO HER SKIN" eludes me.

    Talking about languages: some of the above will be great in German. Some will be great in Yiddish or Arabic. "TEN ASSHOLES FOUND ASSHOLES THEY WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH USING ASSHOLE FINDER. FIND YOUR ASSHOLES NOW" will be great in Russian and German where Arschloch is asshole; artistic beauty found in strange places.

  7. Stephanie Says:

    This is wonderful. I do not understand those who do not appreciate surrealist humour. It is the little forays into madness which make existence tolerable.

  8. ABK Says:

    This basically reads like something written by Coupland's angry, paint-huffing Midwestern uncle that everyone in the family pointedly ignores.

  9. c u n d gulag Says:

    Great stuff!

    But no one ever did it, like Doc:

    “When the going gets weird, the weird turn professional.”
    ― Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail '72.

    For more of that, here are some others:
    http://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/273425-fear-and-loathing-on-the-campaign-trail-72

    Read the whole great book, and you'll see that little has changed in our politics since '72.

    Also, a taste from "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas:"
    Raoul Duke: "We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers… Also, a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls. Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get locked into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can. The only thing that really worried me was the ether. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge, and I knew we'd get into that rotten stuff pretty soon."

    We miss you, Doc!

  10. Desargues Says:

    I'm sitting here at my kitchen table, tryin' to get through my flavorless breakfast, and there's porridge shooting out of my nose. What the hell, man? You gotta give a brother fair warning before you inflict this hysteric shit upon them unsuspecting breakfast eaters and morning coffee drinkers. Holy shit, that was some side-splitting stuff.

    How do I become me a soybean dehuller? Sounds like my kind of calling in life.

  11. JulMonty Says:

    Wow. Just wow.
    I'm interested and mildly repulsed at the same time.

  12. Drangus Says:

    "SECRET FUND RAISER VIDEO REVEALS MITT ROMNEY RELEASING AN EGG SAC FROM HIS CLOACA AS ANN SHOUTS "PUT ON SOME CLOWN MAKEUP AND FUNNY FUCK ME" TO NO ONE IN PARTICULAR."

    I. JUST. DIED. I'm at work and it's hard to giggle like a school girl and not tell people why you are repulsed and electrified.

  13. xynzee Says:

    " IT SMELLS OF JACKFRUIT AND BURNING TIRES."

    Jackfruit?? What have you got against jackfruit? I think you're confusing it with durian.
    http://durian.net
    similar family and look vaguely similar, but…

  14. xynzee Says:

    Also, where the F…!! are my coffee mugs? You know the ones with the heat sensitive ink that display a subversive message when warm so I can send them to my teabagging friends and family.

  15. dacia takes note Says:

    DEAD.

    I scrolled to February and read my way up. I'm a doctoral student and often forget that laughter exists. Thank you.

  16. cyntax Says:

    This makes my day. Almost reason to join FB. But not quite.

    Also this picture of Meatloaf and Romney singing "God Bless America"? It's the photographic version of one these posts.

    Campaign of the Damned indeed.

  17. Dave Dell Says:

    I will try my best to find the perfect occasion for "This is not the birthday gift you wanted; it is the one you deserved."

  18. Chicagojon Says:

    A TOPLESS BAY BUCHANAN UNICYCLES ACROSS THE STAGE; JOHN SUNUNU REACHES INTO A DUFFEL BAG AND WITHDRAWS THE SEVERED HEAD OF DARIUS RUCKER; PAUL RYAN EMERGES IN BLACKFACE AND BEGINS A MINSTREL SHOW. THE CROWD QUIETLY ENVIES THE DEAD.

    One of my alltime faves — just enough imagery to envision the scene, but I get to put in my own imagery of paul ryans minstrel dance. Beautifully captured.

  19. Desargues Says:

    This is the kind of stuff Dali should have painted. Why didn't he?

  20. acer Says:

    @Stephanie:
    What you said.

  21. Mr. Prosser Says:

    Two I would believe: Ann saying, "Put on the clown make-up…" and "I ate Rafalca."

  22. mel in oregon Says:

    goodbye manny, we loved you. as far as humor, i liked jacky gleason, richard pryor, george carlin & lewis black.

  23. Pat Says:

    "PUT ON SOME CLOWN MAKEUP AND FUNNY FUCK ME"

    Umm, Brett Gelman called, and he wants his bit back. Literally. (Well, he didn't literally call, but that's his bit.)

  24. Desargues Says:

    Just out of curiosity, I did a quick search, and you're the only person who's ever used the phrase "topless Bay Buchanan" on the internet. IN all of human history. You should trademark that.

  25. Desargues Says:

    The same holds for "Bob Schieffer's waiting maw."

    I'm shaking uncontrollably as I type this. What better way to unwind, after an endless faculty meeting. Man. You should start a new rubric on this blog–Standup Alfred Jarry Fridays.

  26. mothra Says:

    This is the type of stuff that's right up my very twisted alley. My favorite? "The crowd quietly envies the dead." I'll be using that, thank you very much.

  27. Jerry Vinokurov Says:

    This is the greatest thing.

  28. JazzBumpa Says:

    Will "topless Bay Buchanan" go viral?

    The dead would envy that.

    JzB

  29. sjelly Says:

    I'm a bit disturbed that I like this so much. Dave Dell, I may never forgive you for that picture. I actually screamed when I saw it. It's a perfect(ly horrifying) accompaniment to our host's weird stylings.

  30. Kaleberg Says:

    I looked at your Facebook page. It was just a bunch of random remarks. What's the point?

  31. Ruthie Says:

    I laughed so hard the first time I read these I decided to pour myself a shot of vintage port to enjoy them properly a second time. And the winner is….

    8/28/2012
    A NUDE OCTOGENARIAN SPLAYS HERSELF ACROSS THE HOOD. A MAN IN A CATTLE SKULL AND LOINCLOTH POINTS HIS DOWSING ROD MENACINGLY. DRUIDS CIRCLE YOUR CAR CHANTING "REINCE PRIEBUS, REINCE PRIEBUS" WHILE SELF-FLAGELLATING. YOU CAN NO LONGER REMEMBER IF YOU ARE AT THE REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION OR BURNING MAN.

    …Because it's so darn spot-on!

  32. Desargues Says:

    If this is crazy, I don't want to be normal.

  33. cyntax Says:

    I looked at your Facebook page. It was just a bunch of random remarks. What's the point?

    Good point. Usually Facebook pages are repositories of cogent and interrelated arguments laid out in a linear format.

  34. Robert Says:

    As someone who read far too much William S. Burroughs as a teenager*, I thoroughly enjoyed those.

    *Hey, better that than too much Ayn Rand.

  35. smike Says:

    I sincerely hope you guys are aware of the Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest. Some of these gems would fit it well.

    http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/

    Trust me, it's worth the visit.

  36. Danthelawyer Says:

    I had trouble reading the "seafood preparation kit" one out loud to my 13-year old without laughing so hard I cried. Then I went back to Facebook later to find it again, and it was gone! Curse you, Facebook. But thank you, Ed!

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