ERIC DONDERO GETS THE FJM TREATMENT BUT IS PROBABLY TOO BUSY HOARDING AMMONIUM NITRATE TO CARE

It did not take a team of psychics and supercomputers to predict that we would see some epic right-wing pant shittings on the internets in response to Tuesday's election, but I could only dream of finding one as, uh, layered with gems as the spectacularly (run-on) titled and subtitled, "The end of liberty in America: Only course of action now is to fight back, electoral politics not working: Time to tell any Democrats you know to fuck off and die" by "Libertarian Republican" Eric Dondero. I do not know who Eric Dondero is – nor do you, I assume – because as you are about to see he is a very bad writer, not-so-bright, and possibly mentally ill. If you relish the chance to see a pudgy middle-aged white guy lose his shit in the feeblest way imaginable, boy do I have a treat for you. Let's go!

This may be my last post here at Libertarian Republican for quite some time, possibly forever. I had a long discussion with my friend Jim "Right Guy" Lagnese last night. He has agreed, tentatively to take over this website. (prattle about blog contributors redacted)

Try to tell me with a straight face that this does not begin exactly as a suicide note, martyrdom video, or anonymous credit-claiming letter to the FBI would.

Now, that said. Firstly, I was wrong (Ed: about Romney winning). I was fantastically wrong. We were crushed last night at all levels, most especially in the Senate races.

Maybe stop nominating candidates from the I Have Some Ideas About Rape Caucus.

There is virtually no good news from last night's results for the libertarian wing of the GOP. I apologize Tom. I hope you can see fit to accept my apology.

Suicide notes are often filled with apologies when not lashing out at perceived enemies. "But Ed," you say, "he hasn't done the latter." This is what we call foreshadowing.

Secondly, today starts a new course for my life. I've soured on electoral politics given what happened last night. I believe now the best course of action is outright revolt.

Of course you do, Eric. You believe that revolt is the best course of action like the Hamburglar believes that hamburgers are the best course of action.

What do I mean by that?

We read it as a hollow threat / cry for help from a person who is slowly starting to realize how little he and his beliefs matter.

Well, to each his own. Some may choose to push secession in their state legislatures.

That sounds likely to succeed.

Others may choose to leave the U.S. for good (Costa Rica, Switzerland, Italy, Argentina, Hong Kong, Israel).

Nothing says "I hate taxes and socialized medicine" quite like Costa Rica, Switzerland, Italy, and Israel. Or Hong Kong. You know, the one in China.

Still others may want to personally separate themselves from the United States here in North America while still living under communist rule the Glenn Beck, grab your guns, food storage, build bunkers, survivalist route. I heartily endorse all these efforts.

Ah, "separating" oneself from the U.S. while staying in it and enjoying its benefits. I think there's a word for what that makes you.

I'm choosing another rather unique path;

Of course you are, Eric. I would have asked for my money back if you didn't.

a personal boycott, if you will. Starting early this morning, I am going to un-friend every single individual on Facebook who voted for Obama, or I even suspect may have Democrat leanings.

So apparently this guy is 14, since the first step in what he describes as a revolt is to un-friend people on Facebook. I also hear you can save children if you change your profile pic to a comic book character, and Kony 2012 or something. And Connor says that bitch Amanda called me fat during homeroom, I'm totes gonna un-friend her.

I will do the same in person. All family and friends, even close family and friends, who I know to be Democrats are hereby dead to me. I vow never to speak to them again for the rest of my life, or have any communications with them.

I strongly urge all other libertarians to do the same. Are you married to someone who voted for Obama, have a girlfriend who voted 'O'. Divorce them. Break up with them without haste.

Are you in a happy relationship? Clearly you should get a divorce on the advice of this brooding, socially maladjusted bedwetter. Trust him. If anyone knows the key to long term happiness, it's Eric. He's the guy I turn to for relationship advice, assuming that literally every other person on Earth and most trained circus animals are unavailable.

Vow not to attend family functions, Thanksgiving dinner or Christmas for example, if there will be any family members in attendance who are Democrats.

Anyone get the sneaking feeling that the Dondero family long ago vowed – or perhaps secured a court order to this effect – to avoid family functions at which Eric would be in attendance?

Do you work for someone who voted for Obama? Quit your job.

Have clients who voted Democrat? Call them up this morning and tell them to take their business elsewhere.

I am starting to think Eric Dondero might not be the world's best businessman. Maybe he opened a frozen yogurt stand with Susan Brown's brother.

Have a neighbor who votes for Obama? You could take a crap on their lawn.

Look, I don't claim to be a genius and no reader should blindly accept everything I say as the truth. The following, however, is the inerrant truth and should be accepted without question: If someone gives you advice that involves shitting in public, do not listen to anything that person has to say.

Then again, probably not a good idea since it would be technically illegal to do this.

"Technically"?

But you could have your dog take care of business. Not your fault if he just happens to choose that particular spot.

So far we have 1) Facebook de-friending, 2) cutting off contact with relatives who probably can't stand you because you're the kind of ranting, spittle-spraying lunatic who reads with great interest the website of Eric Dondero, and 3) a dog pooping on your neighbor's lawn. WOLVERINES!!!!!!!!

Thirdly, I believe we all need to express disgust with Obama and Democrats in public places. To some extent I already do this.

Oh boy! This is the part where he tells us how he acts like a crazy person in public.

Example: When I'm at the Wal-mart or grocery story I typically pay with my debit card. On the pad it comes up, "EBT, Debit, Credit, Cash." I make it a point to say loudly to the check-out clerk, "EBT, what is that for?" She inevitably says, "it's government assistance." I respond, "Oh, you mean welfare? Great. I work for a living. I'm paying for my food with my own hard-earned dollars. And other people get their food for free." And I look around with disgust, making sure others in line have heard me.

OK, so are you getting a mental image of who we're dealing with here? Yep, he's That Guy.

"Making sure others in line have heard me," as though random strangers will be inspired by his puerile "wisdom." Just imagine the amount of eye-rolling and laughing that is going to ensue when he does this…while waiting in line at Wal-Mart, where paying by EBT and/or being an old person dependent on the government is practically a prerequisite for admission.

I am going to step this up. I am going to do far more of this in my life. It's going to be my personal crusade. I hope other libertarians and conservatives will eventually join me.

This sounds less like a revolt and more like a sad, lonely man no one can stand throwing a hissy fit. My eight year-old niece is capable of more frightening behavior than this. And she's a good kid. We read this article together and concurred that Eric Dondero is a stupid person who would not succeed in 4th grade.

What I plan to do this week, is to get yard signs made up, at my own expense, that read, "EBT is for Welfare Moochers." I will put the signs out on public property off of the right-of-way so it's entirely legal, in front of every convenience store or grocery store that has a sign out saying "EBT Accepted Here."

That'll show 'em!

I may even do some sign waving in front of these stores, holding up my "EBT is for Welfare Moochers," sign, and waving to passers-by.

It sounds suspiciously like you have a lot of free time, Eric. It is almost as though you do not have a job.

If I meet a Democrat in my life from here on out, I will shun them immediately.

Unshun.

Re-shun.

I will spit on the ground in front of them, being careful not to spit in their general direction so that they can't charge me with some stupid little nuisance law. Then I'll tell them in no un-certain terms: "I do not associate with Democrats. You all are communist pigs, and I have nothing but utter disgust for you. Sir/Madam, you are scum of the earth." Then I'll turn and walk the other way.

And they will think, without exception, "Thank god I never have to talk to that asswad again." They'll high five one another so excitedly they'll need reconstructive shoulder surgery. They'll be like promising young starting pitchers after a few years under Dusty Baker.

Buttons. Boy, you can have a lot of fun with this. I plan to make up a bunch of buttons, and wear them around town, sayings like "Democrats are Communist Pigs," or "Welfare moochers steal from hard-working Americans," "Only Nazis support Seat Belt laws" or "No Smoking Ban: Nanny-Staters go Fuck Yourselves."

The Troika of Revolution: Facebook De-Friending, Shunning, and Buttons. So basically this he wants to look like this:

At least he is smart enough to realize that the more one looks, sounds, and acts like a crazy person, the more likely it is that the public will be persuaded by the message.

There are so many other nasty little things I plan to do against the communists and those who support them. Perhaps I'll keep Jim informed and he can report on my activities here at LR.

Yes, so many pointless, stupid, insignificant things, as befits a stupid and insignificant man. Please do keep us updated; it sounds like this is going to be fucking riveting. "Today I went to the Piggly Wiggly and waved around a sign reading, 'DEMOCRAT PARTY = MOOCHERS AND POO-POO HEADS' for a while, then I went inside and turned all the magazines with Obama on the cover upside down! After that it was pretty much the usual day: quiet sobbing, then back to my tar-paper shack where I enjoyed an uncooked can of generic corn for dinner."

It'll be like reading V for Vendetta.

For now, off to my first assignment: Telling all my friends and family who voted for Obama to "fuck off, don't ever speak to me again you slimeball mother fuckers." Wish me luck!

Yeah, good luck clicking "remove from Friends." I'm on the edge of my goddamn seat over here.

Here's my Facebook Page. Watch me as I get started on my new lifetime crusade.

This is the saddest idea labeled a "crusade" since my great-grandfather Stanislaw died in a hail of gunfire charging toward the White House to demand that the U.S. be moved from the Gregorian Calendar to his own homemade calendar based on the cooking times of various kielbasas. Oh, and notice how Eric hasn't disappeared at all, but is in fact regularly checking his Facebook to bask in the attention his insanity has netted him. Not exactly exiled to Saint Helena, I guess.

This is perhaps the widest range of emotions I've gone through in an FJM, as we transition seamlessly from terror to bemusement to confusion before finally settling on pity. It takes a special kind of defective personality to concoct a personal revenge fantasy in response to impersonal events, and an especially pathetic and ineffectual person to come up with such a pitiable one. Calling people juvenile names and threatening to get some ridiculous signs and buttons made up is the best you can do? Jeez, America doesn't even make right-wing lunatics like it used to.

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68 Responses to “ERIC DONDERO GETS THE FJM TREATMENT BUT IS PROBABLY TOO BUSY HOARDING AMMONIUM NITRATE TO CARE”

  1. Scott Says:

    I can assure you that I have definitely heard of Eric Dondero. In fact, back in 2007 when Eric was running for congress for the state of Texas (after being fired from the Ron Paul campaign for being a complete nutcase), he and I had some interesting email exchanges in response to some of the comments he posted on my blog.

    A word to the wise — my blog is aimed toward Teh Gays and is comprehensively NSFW — which may be why Eric seems to read it so much.

    http://www.billinexile.com/2007/09/24/the-ugly-american-libertarian/

    http://www.billinexile.com/2007/09/22/quote-of-the-day-158/

  2. Buffalo Rude Says:

    @One Dissillusioned Guy

    You can't just throw your shit in a station wagon, drive to the Canadian border, give the password (Bush sucks) and be waved in.

    When did they change that law? Hah. Back in 2004 I was just gonna tell 'em I'm heading to Fort Erie for some of teh bomb-est Chinese food outside of NYC, then refuse to leave.

  3. Isaac Says:

    @Sarah,

    If you click on the petitions, there are people "signing" them from all different states. I don't have time to look through them all and compare, but I'm guessing it's a pile of the same people.

  4. Sarah Says:

    If you click on the petitions, there are people "signing" them from all different states. I don't have time to look through them all and compare, but I'm guessing it's a pile of the same people.

    Oh, yeah. I went flipping through the one for Florida and I noticed there were signers from all over the place. Which really pisses me off. But at any rate, it's likely to be an unsuccessful endeavor. The petition for Texas is already over 32,000 so someone is supposed to post an official response. I expect it will be on the order of, LMAO.

  5. sartoris Says:

    The Republican Party is in the throes of a very interesting schism. Just as when Buckley kicked out the John Birch Society in order to make the Party more electable, someone will need to come forward and remove the Tea Party. This will be quite enjoyable to watch.

  6. Isaac Says:

    Maybe Eric could be on MTV: http://spokane.craigslist.org/tfr/3405615838.html

  7. BobS Says:

    Rosalux, I don't want to start an argument with someone whose expertise is in immigration law, but my perception has been (based on my day-to-day experience working in a large metropolitan Detroit area hospital) that just the opposite is true. This area draws extremely large numbers of Chaldeans (Iraqi Christians), and relatively large numbers of Russian Jews and Albanians. As a longtime advocate for universal single-payer in the US, I'm constantly incredulous at how apparently easy it is to not only enter the country but to immediately avail oneself of health insurance (Medicaid) that tens of millions of Americans do without.

  8. Arslan Says:

    It is not easy to get even a tourist visa to the US. The US requires interviews for Russian citizens; I know of no other country which requires such interviews(even for tourist visas). If there are Russian Jews or Albanians coming in it is most likely they have some relatives already living there, which makes things a lot easier.

    As for Americans in Canada or Europe, I would think you just get the 90 day tourist visa when you get your passport stamped. This is the case in the EU. With the right job you can often live in Europe by exiting the country and re-entering every 90 days. Once your in the country nobody(in terms of law enforcement) asks for your passport anyway.

  9. Xynzee Says:

    One of the legacies of the Shrub-Bonsai era was now Aussies and Americans can get a one year working holiday visa.

    @Nate: Thanks. I was actually more interested in that house that went BOOM!!

    @Sarah: it would appear that the significance of 1859 on the Beaver State flag means nothing to these idiots.

    So how much of the TX economy is bolstered by military spending to make it 15th in the world?

  10. One Dissillusioned Guy Says:

    @Rosalux,

    " I get that the road to a visa is bumpy in Canada, but US immigration law is the Fire Swamp in Princess Bride – nobody gets out alive, or at least without serious flesh wounds."

    Agreed, you're preaching to the choir. I'm a professional musician who often plays jazz festivals in Canada, and since becoming a US resident I'm now viewed as a 'foreign artist' and must fill out some minor paperwork as well as a 'non-resident tax waiver' for revenue Canada. The whole schmear involves about three pages of simple forms and a phone call, where I talk to the same nice lady every year, who always inquires about my family and the weather here in New Orleans.

    Conversely, when I taught at Tulane I co-curated a seies for visiting artists to perform at the university. Even though I have extensive connections in the Canadian jazz community and could have got prominent artists for cheap, the cost and complexity of obtaining a P-2 visa was prohibitive. If you've ever wonder why so few foreign jazz artists play in the US, it's because immigration keeps em out.

  11. Canuck Says:

    C'mon Ed, pick on someone your own size…

  12. Jim Says:

    Aren't we so lucky that people who actually mattered didn't behave this way? Can you imagine if actual heroes were actually just children hiding behind big words?

    "We're all going to march to this segregated diner and sit in it whether they like it or not, at least until a moment before the cops turn up, so that we don't end up breaking any laws. And then we will ride the bus back to our homes, in the back seat of course, or else we'd get arrested."

    "We will fight them on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender, unless of course they point guns at us, in which case we'd better just put our weapons away and call them poop-heads instead, so they might not hurt us."

    I'm very much relieved that this guy (if he's even for real) is so childishly craven, or else I might actually be concerned about him doing something unpleasant.

  13. Dave Rywall Says:

    "Break up with them without haste."

    BREAK UP WITH THEM!

    BUT MAKE SURE YOU TAKE YOUR SWEET SEET TIME!

    YOU DO NOT WANT TO RUSH!

  14. Joy Says:

    I'm hoping he updates his Facebook photo after he gets the crap beat out of him at Walmart and/or business establishments that he intends to picket and harass customers. You know someone is going to take a swing. Everyone loves a bigoted asshole at the checkout.

  15. Cthulhu Says:

    "Making sure others in line have heard me," as though random strangers will be inspired by his puerile "wisdom." Just imagine the amount of eye-rolling and laughing that is going to ensue when he does this…while waiting in line at Wal-Mart, where paying by EBT and/or being an old person dependent on the government is practically a prerequisite for admission.

    You might remind him that many Walmart EMPLOYEES are on EBT because Walmart is too greedy to pay their own employees a living wage.

    I'd pay money to have someone follow this jerk around with a camera for a month.

  16. Zach Says:

    http://www.quickmeme.com/meme/3rqhh9/

  17. Chico Says:

    This guy wont do ANY of what he says. he's just angry and bitter.

    He'll eventually get over it and move on.

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