The National Football League is investigating claims by multiple players that individual teams asked question about their sexual orientation at the annual Scouting Combine (an event in which college players hoping to enter the NFL are interviewed, tested, and medically evaluated). Nick Kasa of Colorado stated that some teams asked questions like "Do you like girls?" in violation of the CBA and Federal labor law. Other players, including Michigan's Denard "Shoelace" Robinson, seconded his claims, so it is safe to say that this is not a pure fabrication.

The NFL needs to be more sensitive to these issues, especially since asking questions of this type is illegal. At the same time, teams clearly need to know. That's why I'm contracting with the NFL to use a test I've developed – the Male Athlete Narrative Homosexual Orientation: Logotherapy Enhanced (MAN HOLE) – to uncover a player's sexual preferences with subtle, legal questions. The MAN HOLE test has been used effectively by organizations like Oral Roberts University and the U.S. Men's Ice Dancing Team to ensure the heterosexuality of all participating athletes. While the exam and process are proprietary and available in full only to paying clients, here are some sample questions on the NFL version:

  • 1. Bears are found in:
    A. Chicago, at Soldier Field
    B. Alaska
    C. The woods
    D. Certain bars in Flatbush

  • 2. After practice, I am usually:
    A. Studying film of my opponents
    B. In the weight room
    C. Loitering near the showers
    D. Being worked on by the medical staff

  • 3. On gameday, I like to imagine myself:
    A. Catching the winning touchdown
    B. Blocking for my teammates
    C. Leading the team and calling the plays
    D. At the bottom of a pile of writhing men

  • 4. I get pumped up for games with:
    A. Slayer
    B. Jay-Z
    C. Brooks & Dunn
    D. Pet Shop Boys

  • 5. My dream date is:
    A. My wife / girlfriend
    B. Beyonce
    C. Eva Longoria
    D. Jason Statham

  • 6. My typical breakfast consists of:
    A. Oatmeal and fruit
    B. Eggs and bacon
    C. Protein shakes and bars
    D. Hot, throbbing cocks

    (C) GIN AND TACOS 2013

  • 40 thoughts on “NPF: WONDER NO MORE”

    • Sure people take offense when NFL teams ask about the sexual orientation of prospective recruits, but when CSU and UC do the same to all undergrad applicants it's no big deal – in fact the CA state legislature approves of it.

    • Excuse me? I entered all of my answers into the computer, and the screen exploded in a shower of glitter. Is that supposed to happen? Did I do good?

    • 1. mountains generally, but every couple years one seems to wander into the Old City.
      2. c
      3. center mid, or left mid because I've got a decent left foot
      4. Scissor Sisters
      5. also a homo, or for a sport reference, Cam Newton
      6. coffee and coffee

      @Mike S. when I've read about colleges asking it hasn't been about sports but has been about one of a number of questions designed to make college students have an easier time finding their place. Wherever the kid is in life, the college wants to have something to offer, and many are finding more ways to include lgbt students and help them integrate. I think the kids are also given the option to not answer, but even so they're getting the info that there's some amount of safety for them. That can be a valuable commodity to a gay kid, especially a confused one.

      There's this whole new generation coming up that are already coming out before college while still having to deal with this post whatever era we're in right before nobody cares that we're gay anymore. At the same time there are lots of kids and teens and adults that still don't feel that they're in a place where they can come out.

      Although I can't think why NFL teams would care. I can't imagine any of them are so not astute as to ask these kids, 2013 and all. I'm pretty sure that we've proved we can play sports by now, some of us. I'll always be a soccer fag, but we play all the sports. So maybe the NFL just wants to find the next Sally Ride while she's still flying, because so far all the gays seem to think we have to quit playing before coming out. The thing is, we've always been doing it, just weren't telling you.

    • grumpygradstudent says:

      I was under the impression that sexual orientation is not one of the protected classes under the EEOC. Am I wrong about that?

    • It's only illegal to ask in certain states, not all. And *shockingly* it fits along the red/blue divide.

    • MAN HOLE! You're having entirely too much fun with this one. I had a good laugh, which I needed. Thanks for this one.

    • Which of the following teams have not been in the Village People?
      1. Cowboys
      2. Steelers
      3. Chiefs
      4. Vikings
      5. Bears

      Attention Proctors: The degree of difficulty is enhanced because he was a Leather Daddy, not a Bear. Also, while a Viking is a type of Soldier, the Village People's In the Navy could allow for any sea-borne militant to be included, so the Buccaneers and Raiders count. But if the player knows any of this, ask him to say "Jaguar" and criticize his pronunciation. If he complains, use the PRISSY LITTLE BITCH stamp found in the test kit.

    • 3d has a great deal to do with why I watch football. But then I'm a ladytype, so it's cool.

      (Don't tell my husband; he thinks I watch to hear all his right-tackle stories.)

    • I'm shocked and appalled that NFL teams would ask questions like this. I am not shocked or appalled by the homophobia, but the stupidity to actually say questions like this in what is basically a job interview.

      If there is an 'HR for Dummies' book wouldn't it cover this? Then again, the way that the NFL has been in denial about player safety (concussions and CTE) over the years has lead to a multimillion dollar class action lawsuit by former players.

      As much as I like football, I think we have reached 'Peak Football' (just like peak oil). former players openly state that they would not want their sons to play.

      Interesting piece by Malcolm Gladwell, who goes into a lot of detail.

    • To be fair, "Do you like girls?" might be intended to screen out pedophiles.

      The sports world has had some problems with that lately.

    • It's 4th and short, what does your team do?
      A. Pound the ball hard up the middle.
      B. Throw a long ball to the tight end.
      C. Slip it in quickly to the wide receiver.
      D. Throw an impromptu downton abbey watch party.

      But seriously, fuck the NFL. Between the head injuries and the homophobia, it's becoming ethically problematic to continue to support. Not to say I won't watch every broncos game next year, because you know, it's fun.

    • @ Sam Says:

      Although I can't think why NFL teams would care.

      Because the NFL is the most Republican fucking organization on the face of the earth.


    • To be fair, "Do you like girls?" might be intended to screen out pedophiles.

      Well, first, since they are using the word "girls," most pedophiles would answer "yes" and that would be the absolute truth. Second, most pedophiles don't go around, you know, openly admitting that they like little'ns, so just asking a question like this wouldn't ferret out pedophiles. A lot of pedophiles are married, remember?

      But I guess this is why that SF player felt so confident in saying there were no "gays" playing football–he knew that the NFL screens for that!

    • Middle Seaman says:

      Pls create test for potential NFLers for being 1. female 2. dog 3. murderer (very useful) and 4. future criminal.

      Arsloche University

    • @Hazy Davy,

      I am unfamiliar with the Pet Shop Boys, so I assumed the gay answer must be Brooks & Dunn, because country music is gay.

    • "..because country music is gay."

      Not as gay as disco! Also, too, what about heavy metal? That was pretty darned gay. Actually almost everything since about Elvis is gay, and sometimes I'm not sure about him.

      #4 should have an alternate/specific quarterback version which would include Sir Mix-A-Lot as an option. Good idea in general, too – I can see a broad range of activities where sich a screening test would come in very handy. You may soon be able to retire on your sales of this idea alone!

    • Federal labor law prohibits asking if someone is gay? Are you sure? Human Resource law is a part of my profession, and I have never heard such. Of course, seems like everydat I learn that something I thought to be true was really just an incorrect assumption on my part, so could be…but would really surprise me.

    • Federal law does not prohibit an employer from asking if someone is gay. Sexual orientation is not a "protected class" in federal labor law (cp. gender, race). Some states, however, do prohibit this.

      The Pet Shop boys are awesome, and very gay (though gayer bands of their ilk would be Duran Duran, Depeche Mode, Culture Club, Wham!)

      You're welcome.

    • @Hazy Davy @Rosalux

      One word: Erasure.

      I would also accept the Magnetic Fields, Grace Jones, and 50 Cent.

    • Townsend Harris says:

      1D wrong neighborhood. The bear bars are in Chelsea, less so the West Village, not at all Flatbush. I've lost track of the leather bars since the closing of the Ramrod Club on Christopher Street.

    • Bronski Beat and Sister Double Happiness are quite gay, while Hüsker Dü was at least 2/3 gay (and it wasn't the guy with the moustache. Weird huh?)

    • Ok, I'm aware the Pet Shop Boys are gay. And having seen Andy Bell invite people to emulate "Mr. Happy Condom…when he sees a big fat cock, he sits on it" opening the Erasure concert, I'm well aware he is.
      (I'm also well aware that most of their audience is.)

      But I don't know which bands one could listen to to determine they're gay.

      I mean, they still play YMCA at hetero Bar Mitzvahs and weddings. And that's neither a testament to Judaism nor to being straight.

    • A while back I worked with eye tracking technology. The computer can tell where you're looking on a screen.

      One of the uses of the technology is to see if people actually look at the wares advertised in ads.

      One ad I remember was a BEAUTIFUL young woman *just* about to kiss a BEAUTIFUL young man. One of them was wearing a watch. Half the population focussed on the woman with a few glances at the man, and the other half of the population focused on the man with a few glances at the woman.

      No one looked at the watch.

      It turned out to be pretty much impossible to focus more on the sex you aren't attracted to.

      We thought about launching a bar game — are you gay? but it was too accurate. dangerous stuff.

    • Slayer??

      Holy crap!! I hadn't realised that my Slayer collection meant I had latent orientation issues. But then it shouldn't be a surprise as it's usually the hyper-male stuff that's trying to hide something. Better go purge my CDs then.

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