NPF: WEB OF CONSPIRACY

You have at least one relative who forwards you every ridiculous piece of chain email nonsense that crosses his or her (AOL/Hotmail) account, right?
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Everybody needs to have at least one person like that in their life. You're really missing out if you're not seeing this stuff.
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Whenever I see one of these things I have the same thoughts: Who wrote this? Who is actually bored enough to sit down and make up a bunch of bullshit to forward to thousands of strangers? Who wakes up and thinks, "Today I'm going to start a rumor that No More Tears baby shampoo is full of novocaine"? That just seems like such a strange thing to do, even for the millions of weirdos that litter the internet.

I don't care if this turns political even on No Politics Friday, but share with us your tales of the most ridiculous, far-fetched, and insane conspiracy theories that you've seen (or heard, because why limit the fun to email) over the years.
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In the past month alone I've heard that Obama regularly contacts aliens, the government has purchased a billion bullets to execute us all when we are placed in FEMA camps, and genetically modified foods are made in part from fetuses and cadavers.

People believe this shit. They really do. Even the most patently ludicrous theories have a handful of supporters. Too often those supporters include the assheads from your high school graduating class who find you on Facebook, or the uncle with whom you were not allowed unsupervised interaction as a child.

91 thoughts on “NPF: WEB OF CONSPIRACY”

  • When I was in Basic Training (yes, Israel, Army, yadda yadda yadda) we decided one day (as a teenagers' prank) to spread the rumor that on the coming weekend there's going to be a general, all units, "readiness drill" (the name has slipped my memory) which means everyone (meaning all soldiers on weekend leave in the country) will have to get back to base on Saturday night instead of Sunday morning. It took only two or three days until we started getting that rumor back at us from so many places, we couldn't even trace the chain. Obviously it was all bogus, but it scared at least a few hundred people, possibly several thousands (and maybe more).

    Yup, that's it. Kids doing a prank, and all we had were a few prepaid phone cards (in the Olden Days, before internet and even cellphones). If we were to try it today, Facebook and Twitter would have been on fire in a matter of hours, and it could have taken weeks if not years to stop the rumors from resurfacing.

  • Anti-abortion nut conspiracy theories are always top-notch: There's the commonplace 'abortion causes breast cancer' and 'Planned Parenthood wants to abort as many white babies as possible, for Obama,' 'PP wants to abort as many black babies as possible, because liberals are the real racists' and 'The Abortionplex is real.'

    And then there are the really special people who believe birth control pills are made from ground fetuses. No joke.

  • @RS: my brother's Ph.D was on how to get schizophrenics to take their medication when they were convinced the drugs were made from human products. So not so far fetched.

    My source of that special kind of nuttiness is CU ;)

    Actually it's my macrobiotic cousin (because vegans are soft) and her bf's reposts in my newsfeed.

  • Christian US Marine on active duty punches atheist professor who mocks Christians.

    Female US marine challenges snooty French soldier to fight and he backs down. This was one of the first I ever saw. My step-dad or perhaps mother told me to read this e-mail and in the first line I told her it was fake. The clue? The "Marine" claimed to be at "Camp Bondsteel(Bosnia)." Too bad Camp Bondsteel is in Kosovo, not Bosnia. What pathetic little redneck sack of shit sits around all day fantasizing about being a female marine?

    Monsanto Protection Act.

  • My girlfriend campaigns against the local anti-vaccination wingnuts, the Australian Vaccination Network, who are currently caught up in a number of legal battles. Recently their ex-president tried to stymie legal proceedings from a government department by claiming "Freeman on the Land" status. Apparently this fantasy has been doing the rounds since the 70s, but I've only learned of it recently. If you're not aware of it, look it up on Wikipedia. It's truly hilarious.

  • How about " I built this myself", for those who have built a company in a country with the rule of law, transportation infrastructure, well educated employees, standard contracts, patent protection, a defense, reliable suppliers …

  • c u n d gulag says:

    The problem isn't so much the regular people who believe utter BS and nonsense.

    The problem is who the people who believe that utter BS and nonsense, elect to represent them in their own state's legislature, and the US House and Senate.
    When our elected official believe that stuff, or pretend to, that's when the country is in trouble.
    And, in case you haven't noticed, we're in real trouble. The loons came close to running this asylum in 2012. They still run the US House of Representatives, and are poised to win the Senate in 2014, and the whole shebang, in 2016. I'm hoping that 2016 isn't the Chinese 'Year of the Insane Monkey, Flinging Poo." I expect a lot of poo-flinging in the next 3+ years, I'm just hoping the "Insane Monkeys" don't win.

    The problem isn't your Uncle Goober believing that President Obama is a gay alien in human form who was beamed down to lay waste to the "American Dream" by the Communist-Muslim-Atheist Black Lizard Overlords of the planet Negron from the Shakazulu galaxy, it's when members of Congress like Michele Bachmann and Louie Gohmert say, "Hmm… I'm not saying it's true – but it sure would explain a lot!"

    The latest one I read, was that Hillary Clinton, that lesbian shrew, had to eliminate evidence of her affair with Ambassador Stevens by arranging to have him killed at that consulate in Benghazi, just like she had her former lover Vince Foster killed, almost 20 years ago.
    And then she had her lesbian lover, Susan Rice, lie about in the Sunday bloviation festivals.

    Ok, I made that last part up.
    NOT, the Hillary the lesbian arranging to kill her lover, Stevens – but the Susan Rice part. The Hillary one, believe it or not, was something someone sent me.
    FUR REAL!!!

    I sometimes wonder, if that Fluoride in the water, besides just hardening our teeth, didn't also harden people heads and hearts.

  • Middle Seaman says:

    Used to get these Chainy emails way back. They may be still crashing my emails beaches except that these days after donating to political and charity organizations, my emails are flooded with crapola from Obama, senators, Sierra Club and millions more.

    Austerity, from Obama and Simpson, border security, from Repuglicans, and China is our enemy, from a variety of morons, scare the chewed bananas out of me way more than the email Chaneys.

  • Anonymouse says:

    I get all the political batshit stuff, but I also get the non-political batshit stuff, like the one that just won't die–that Kentucky Fried Chicken has massive labs of mutant lumps of flesh that they're selling to unwary consumers. I live in a state with commercial chicken farms; it's common knowledge that the major chicken companies pay "private contractor" farmers next-to-nothing to raise chickens; why would any corporation pay for a lab and lab techs when they could not-pay farmers?!?

  • When I was in junior high school, the D.A.R.E. officer actually told us never to use the salt shakers at fast food restaurants because drug dealers put PCP into them.

    (Why anyone would put extra salt on a salt-filled fast food sandwich I do not know…)

  • Thousands of shysters have banded together to create a pseudo-science called "climate science" and concocted a vast apocalyptic hoax, pretending that human activity is causing the global climate to change. They do this to tap into the untold riches of NOAA and the NSF, and they've been hugely successful at it, growing rich and swelling their ranks. Although the media, foreigners and many politicians have fallen for it, corporations (who are more clear-seeing and objective) have been able to expose this cabal for what it is.

  • @RS: that would make them homeopathic oral contraceptives, no? (I am to be reborn as a very small insect for that comment, I know)

  • OneMadClown says:

    Homeopathy, and to a somewhat lesser extent chiropractic. I have a number of otherwise really discerning and inquisitive friends who completely and unquestioningly buy into this stuff.

  • I got an email from a business colleague that went into detail about how Al Gore mocked Oliver North during the Iran-Contra hearings when Ollie attempted to warn everyone about Osama bin Laden. That took about 2 minutes for me on snopes.com to get the details – Not only was Gore not on the Senate Committee that held the hearings, but the name "Osama bin Laden" was never mentioned once. So I hit "reply all" with a PDF transcript of the hearings for good measure. OOOOOH, I pissed a bunch of people off.

    During the 2004 election, I got the photoshopped picture of John Kerry with Jane Fonda at an anti-war rally. When I sent the sender a link to the story showing it was a fake, the response I got was "Well that's the sort of thing he would have done, anyway!" It's not like Kerry ever denied being an anti-war activist, so WTF did you have to add Jane Fonda to the pic for? Bet that got a lot of undecideds to swing for Bush.

  • Did you know that Snopes is a librul conspiracy? Yup. This was a response when I sent a guy a Snopes link to set him straight on the shark/helicopter one.

  • An elderly lady friend whose computer I maintenance panicked and called me to investigate the evil virus that someone sent her in an email that was going to wipe her hard drive just like it wiped out ALL OF NYC's computers (according to the email).

    I pointed out to her that if that had happened it might have made the news.

  • My favorite anti-vax argument is that Vaccines are Bad because they're made in Eggs and therefore have Animal DNA in them. And that's…bad somehow. It's hilariously ridiculous on at least three levels: 1. Eat eggs? Meat? You're already full of animal DNA, it's harmless; 2. Vaccines made in eggs come from the cytoplasm, which does not contain DNA (that's in the nucleus) – and no, mitochondrial DNA isn't in it either because insolubles are centrifuged out; 3. DNA is not the heartiest of biomolecules – the vaccination process itself would completely denature any DNA that happened to get in the preparation.

  • Ancient history, but a neighbor of mine truly believed that if Michael Dukakis became president, he was going to confiscate everyone's bibles and take houses away from their owners to give to welfare recipients.

  • Gabriel508 says:

    You don't legally have to pay your bills if your name is written in all caps. Thats because the spelling with all caps is you the cotporation, not you the person.

    My brother is very far down this rabbit hole so I'm very familiar. Also, that huge Japanese earthquake a few years ago was caused by bombs set off by "money power" for…some insane reason I didnt understand.

  • Ever since my older brothers told me how I got here, I'm pretty much willing to believe anything: seemed so far fetched having heard virgin birth was the preferred thing…
    Anyone know what part of the brain gets fired up with all this stuff? Fascinating characteristic of the species. By the way, the one with the best conspiracy theory wins. PCH brings a check, but they can't tell anyone about it or the funds vanish. 's what I heard.

  • I don't get those kind of e-mails anymore. I stopped communicating with the one that did send me those e-mails when he sent me an e-mail implying that Gabby Giffords deserved to be shot because she "dissed" Gen. Petraeus by asking him what the military was doing about using alternative energy like solar and wind in Afghanistan so they don't have to haul as much fuel over dangerous supply routes.

    Those e-mails are still coming my way, but they are running into the block I put on his e-mail accounts. Occasionally I'll get an e-mail from someone else that was a 'reply all' which tells me I'm still on the list.

    I used to do the 'reply all' route when something really insane came along in the hopes that maybe others in his Circle-Jerk Echo Chamber would tell him to take me off the list. That didn't work, but it was worth a try.

  • CaptBackslap says:

    A drug manufacturer hid studies showing that one of its biggest sellers was horribly dangerous. Tens or hundreds of thousands died as a result of this malfeasance. When the deception was finally uncovered, the compliant media reported the story as briefly and weakly as possible to avoid losing advertising from the company. Meanwhile, government regulators fined the company a small portion of its profits from the drug and called it a day.

    Wait, that actually happened.

    Oh yeah, chemtrails! Planes fly around dispersing mind-control agents disguised as contrails. Obviously, the UN is heavily involved in most versions of the story.

  • Some of my favorites:

    Bill Clinton running a drug/cocaine operation from the governor's office in Arkansas.

    The Clinton's (Hilary seems to be the one responsible) having Vince Foster murdered while making it look like a suicide.

    The collapse of the twin towers via controlled demolition by some shadowy group.

    Those are some of the more ridiculous ones of the top of my head. Also have received quite a few garden variety "black helicopter"crowd type ones where government/U.N. black-booted thugs are going to steal their guns, bibles, etc., while desecrating their way of life.

    This stuff is ridiculous and tiring, but the comedic value is often off the charts.

  • I recently had a relative explain to me in great detail that the "chemtrails" we were looking at in the sky were a government conspiracy to dust us with unknown chemicals for unknown reasons, causing an illness called Morgellon's syndrome. Morgellon's sufferers have tiny fibers extruding from their skin that, under a microscope, can be seen to be stamped "NASA."

    I asked how she knew all this, and she replied there is plenty of evidence on the internet (which, in fact, I later found that there is, if you consider "evidence" to be a synonym for "delusions"). I pointed out there is plenty of evidence on the internet that the government destroyed the WTC towers and assassinated JFK, but she stood firm. Possibly she believes those things as well.

  • Sock or Muffin? says:

    My family knows better than to send emails about this shit to me but I've had conversations that went like so:

    In 2004, brother in-law who drives a 14mpg Hemi pickup for no real reason. "Every time Kerry wins a state, gas prices go up." My immediate response of which I'm rather proud "I think they go up every time a soldier dies in Iraq." He still drives a giant truck and bitches about gas prices but he treats my sister very well so I keep my mouth shut and we've learned we will not change each others minds on politics.

    Same dude's very nice but very dumb mother on Obama: "I get these emails and I just don't think he's really a citizen."
    This when I was a guest at her house on Thanksgiving so I held my tongue.

    And I've often had to hold my tongue around my (thankfully) former and very wacky conservative father in-law. His daughter was very liberal but when we'd visit he ALWAYS had Fox on and we'd say "Hey, watching cartoons again?" Or something to that effect. He'd hoard gold and food under his house and we threatened to go dig it up when he'd go on vacations. He'd always go on about how 'most media had a liberal bias…'
    The only thing that really pissed me off is me knowing that he was really into History and watched the Discovery channel a lot, I got him the Bill Bryson book 'A short history of nearly everything' and once within my earshot he called it 'Godless'. Well, fuck you, you bigoted old redneck. I don't miss that family at all.

  • Ever heard the one about Obama claiming he was going to fire half the cattle guards in Colorado in reaction to ranchers' opposition to his proposed grazing policy reforms?

    Apparently, this dates back to the 50's. In the 90's, it was used as a humorous barb against elitist city-slicker D's. Now people use it to prove that Mr. Obama is totally stoopid, toldyaso. It actually instigated a nasty little spat between me and my father-in-law one night…

  • The City of Bellingham, Wa, recently passed a fireworks ban, including all personal fireworks such as sparklers. Someone wrote into FACEBOOK complaining that actions like the City Council's fireworks ban were responsible for the decline in patriotism and love-of-country the poster had noticed recently. In other words, the City Councilof Bellingham, responding democratically to pleas from the town's citizens for a safe and serene Fourth of July, is deliberating destroying Patriotism. Commits! Evil-doers! Love it or leave it….yadda, yadda, yadda.

    Last Fouth of July the yahoos in my neighborhood set off mortars! Can you imagine how someone returning from Afghanistan reacts to that noise?

  • Leading up to the 2000 elections I got a lot of emails claiming Gore was going to give New Mexico and Arizona to the UN.

  • I saw one warning that "some women who are receiving WIC are actually breastfeeding sooo since they don't need the formula provided FREE by the GOVERNMENT they sell lit. YES THEY ARE SUPPLEMENTING THEIR BEER & LOTTO WITH OUR HARD EARNED TAX DOLLARS"

  • When I was coming up in the '90s and early '00s, there was a whole school of journalists devoted to putting on conspiracy-theorist freakshows.

    Brice Taylor, self-described CIA sex slave, caught their attention for obvious reasons. Adam Parfrey covered her and then Richard Metzger of Disinformation made her famous for a minute.

    I submit this one because it covers so much ground.

    http://disinfo.com/2012/12/i-was-a-cia-sex-slave/

  • The City of Bellingham, Wa, recently passed a fireworks ban, including all personal fireworks such as sparklers. Someone wrote into FACEBOOK complaining that actions like the City Council's fireworks ban were responsible for the decline in patriotism and love-of-country the poster had noticed recently. In other words, the City Councilof Bellingham, responding democratically to pleas from the town's citizens for a safe and serene Fourth of July, is deliberating destroying Patriotism. Commits! Evil-doers! Love it or leave it….yadda, yadda, yadda.

    Aside from the probability that the fireworks are manufactured in China today, they are Chinese in origin.

  • Blech, I think I did the blockquote tag wrong. That first paragraph above is a quote from a previous poster.

  • I never really understood the hysteria about "fibers extruding from your skin." It sounds to me like an unnecessarily technical description of "hair." My hometown suffered a minor hysteria when I was a kid, with the elementary school as ground zero. Extruding fibers were one of the symptoms. I've tried shaving them off, but the fibers keep coming back. After decades of trying I've pretty much given up, but I'm perfectly willing the chalk up the grey fibers to NASA.

  • Jeff –

    My little brother, having a skinned knee and awakening to discover fuzz from his flannel pajamas all over the scab, inquired of Mom, "Are people made of string?"

  • The city of Portland decided to not fluoridate its water because of the risks of 'chemicals' and the potential risks, never mind that the CDC, AMA, ADA, and lots of other public health organizations support fluoridation. Because, you see, the holist practitioners industry group, the chiropractors association, a few neighborhood groups and the NAACP came out against it. Never mind that fluoride is in water across the country, and the only visible side effect is the rest of the country's lower rates of tooth decay. Fluoride is, like, a neurotoxin or something.

    When the far left and the Birchers find something to agree on, you know something really bad is going on.

  • @ Sock or Muffin : So relatable. Even more sadly, my G-I-L used to be a Democrat. Turned on a dime.

    @ cas : +5.

  • Also in Portland, there was a guy on the ballot for school board whose platform was getting Wi-fi out of schools. He wants to wire all the computers in the schools because the Wi-fi waves are super dangerous! His position statement in the voters guide was reminiscent of those chain emails that drive people batty. A tiny bit of actual science conflated with a giant heap of bullshit. Fortunately, he did not win.

  • DocAmazing says:

    Here's the problem: the phrase "conspiracy theory" is a pejorative, and is used to shut down further conversation. The CIA did in fact disrupt Italian, Turkish, French and Greek politics for years; that's a fact, but pointing it out gets people tittering about tinfoil hats. The October Surprise did, in fact, occur, with the Reagan camp having left a mile-wide trail in dealing with Khomeini's people in the run-up to the 1980 election, but because wingnuts (notably Andrew Sullivan) had a media shit-fit, they shut down the Congressional investigation, and now people who don't bother to do the actual reading use "October Surprise" as a shorthand for "conspriacy loon".

    Looking for wheels within wheels obsessively is clearly pathologic; so is ignoring obvious wheels within wheels.

  • My favorite is the one about Mexico taking New Mexico and part of Arizona back–and the local Hispanics collaborating with the Mexican soldiers when they invade. Maybe not widespread, but it's a popular story among wingnuts in TX, southern and eastern NM and Arizona.

    Hilarious part of this? Mexico would no more want NM, the poorest state in the nation, than have a bomb dropped on it. Neither would it want a bunch of rednecks in TX and AZ.

    But…there are a few folks in Northern NM who agitate ever once in a while that NM should be assumed back into Mexico.

  • Monkey Business says:

    My roommate has been ranting about OSHA for the last few days. Apparently the new Evil Federal Conspiracy Group isn't FEMA anymore, it's OSHA.

  • Saw a POW-MIA sticker on a truck this morning. I still wonder what 1960s technology those tortured souls are giving to the Vietnamese.

  • Gerald McGrew says:

    Without a doubt, hands down, the craziest conspiracy theory I've ever seen (and being a fan of them, I've seen my share) has to do with Pope John Paul II rising from the grave, and the whole thing being tipped off by the cartoon Rise of the Guardians. Oh, and just for kicks, Obama is in on the whole thing.

    CLICK HERE

    What's even funnier are the reactions when the theories are easily shown to be bullshit.

  • Local coffee shop owner where I used to live became cash only because he couldn't afford the credit card fees, which is understandable.

    But the credit card fees, it turns out, were the result of a MASSIVE NObama scandal, where he got the credit card companies to raise the fees in order to put small business "I built it myself" people out of business. He also told me Obama was a sell-out to Wall Street.

    In the SAME conversation, he told me that Obama was communist/socialist (cause, apparently those are the same thing) who hated business and wanted government to take over peoples lives. And that's when he got the AMEN from the guy behind me.

  • @mothra: Wait, these people know that much of the Southwest used to be part of Mexico? That's amazing.

    But seriously, Mexico, if you're reading this, consider it an invitation. You can definitely have AZ, TX, and NM. We'll even throw in FL for free!

  • I've followed the extreme right and other fringe characters for years. You can find almost anything online, such as the Japanese guy who insists that Abraham Lincoln was Jewish, or the people who still seriously claim that the earth is flat, but my favorite of the ones that have gained any currency is the notion that the United States is run by shape-shifting lizard people from outer space. I think the most famous proponent of this nonsense is David Icke, about whom you can find out more here:

    http://www.davidicke.com/articles/reptilian-agenda-mainmenu-43

  • All I can say is I've been flying professionally for 30 years, both military and commercial, and I have yet to see a "Chemtrails On/Off" switch in the cockpit of an aircraft.

  • I've got a health issue and my uncle who's into all sorts of weird woo-woo New Age medicine offered to take my picture with a polaroid camera. The picture would then be sent to a 'scientist' in a 'laboratory" who would place the picture in a special healing chamber. The procedure would only cost $5k. I turned him down, even though he offered to pay.

  • First job I had teaching was in Waukesha, Wisconsin, a stunningly red area of the state. (I should add, hastily, that I would move back there in a second, because the people were friendlier than the Lollipop Guild on Ecstasy.) But they were also, almost to a man, credulous, and my students, mostly locals, God bless them, were the worst of the bunch, since they came from, and in most cases were still living at, households that ran nothing but Fox News, and worked at placed that played nothing but Limbaugh-level talk radio.

    I was popular–while I am a lily-livered liberal egghead, I am also skeptical and sarcastic to the point of toxicity–so a lot of these students, not knowing that I wasn't a fellow Drinker Of The Kool-Aid, would try to engage me in "Oh My God Did You Hear This" discussions before class. I finally adopted a policy to firmly shut this dynamic down, and it ran like this:

    Student: "You know what I just heard this morning–"

    Me: "Hold it–let me ask you this: Is it *shocking*?"

    Student: "Yes!"

    Me: "Then it's bullshit. Wait a couple of days and check in on snopes.com–trust me, you'll be glad I made you wait before you told me or anyone else."

    Days would pass, and the student would come in, give me a sheepish nod, and often a 'thank you.' "Always remember," I'd tell them, "in life, anyone who wants you to get excited is never doing it for your benefit."

  • JD: "Always remember," I'd tell them, "in life, anyone who wants you to get excited is never doing it for your benefit."

    I'm stealing that!

  • That Obama was trying to convert all Americans to Wicca and force us to worship Gaia. Really.

  • It's not like Kerry ever denied being an anti-war activist, so WTF did you have to add Jane Fonda to the pic for? Bet that got a lot of undecideds to swing for Bush.

    It got my dad to. But it's not like his vote swung Texas, so I forgave him soon after. Problem is he's retired military living among other retired military in San Antone so the echo chamber is strong. Oh, and my favorite theory is also the all-caps corporation thing, which is also why a coutroom with a flag with a finge on it is also unConstitutional. Or something.

  • That just seems like such a strange thing to do, even for the millions of weirdos that litter the internet.

    It's simple statistics. There have always been crazy people; the difference nowadays is that virtually everyone –including the wackjobs– has internet access. Where before such people were limited to shouting at a few dozen passersby, now their rants can reach hundreds of millions.

    Assume the US adult population is 220 million and take 1% of that as the number of crazies: 2.2 million. (just for the record, you don't have to be crazy to sign on to a particular conspiracy theory) Basically, the larger a population, the larger its outliers.

    Add to that (or factor in) the communicative powers of the interwebs: email, social networking, web sites, forums, etc. The distributive (and re-distributive) capacity for info, both legit and otherwise, is staggering.

  • Thomas Ware says:

    The same way guys who came home 'Nam forty years ago Little Sister'

    People who talk who talk shit about Portland don't live in Portland. They live in Rockport, or Cascade Locks. Not a theory. Fact. Folks that live in rural Oregon 1) don't much like our Big City, but it's our Big City and 2) have seen first hand the effects of the poisen Flourine. It only took a couple hundred dead cows to figure out that the best way to despose of this toxic waste by-product of the tin+foil manufacturing process is to dump it in the water. That the Prescott Bush Henry Ford "What's good for General Motors is good for the USA!" financed Nazis researched its physological effects as both a truth serum and population control agent is moot in the generally accepted benicular.

    We would do well to recall that 'conspiracy' is Greek for 'to breath together', and we are all at this moment conspiring to mock the 'conspiracy theorists' much as the corporate media and those in a position to get away with the rewrite of history.

    Good job, liberals, I'm proud of you.

  • Now that so many bullshit-spreaders have received "check snopes.com before you forward this kind of nonsense" replies from their friends and relatives, there are more and more bullshit emails that state "This is true! You can see it on snopes.com!" and of course it is NOT on Snopes, or it is clearly labelled as bullshit on Snopes. Another layer of bullshittery.

  • Hurricane Katrina was created in a supersekrit eeeevil government laboratory (in Florida, I think) and specifically directed at New Orleans. For what reason, I forget.
    Really. Someone I know believes this.

  • Jp: something about testing the equipment that would deliver a victory for Obama in 2012 so he could stage a massacre to take "r gunzzz!!

    ;)

  • "Always remember," I'd tell them, "in life, anyone who wants you to get excited is never doing it for your benefit."

    I would like to amend the above: "Anyone who tells you what to get excited about is never doing it for your benefit." I submit TNC as exhibit A:

    The two words I try to use with them are "excitement" and "entrepreneurial." I try to get them to think of education not as something that pleases their teachers, but as a ticket out into a world so grand and stunning that it defies their imagination.

  • Anonymouse says:

    I spent time at a high school graduation (dropping off and picking up a celebrant) and had to spend time with other parents in a right-wing neighborhood. Oh, the conspiracy theories I heard! Also, oh, the batshit insane things I heard, such as the following: "milk is the healthiest thing you can ingest, and you know it because it's white. Know why milk is white? Because it's chock-full of white blood cells, which boost your immunity!" (Know what's chock-full of white blood cells? PUS! Milk is white because of the casein and the calcium phosphate in it. But truth to a wingnut is like sunlight to a vampire.)

  • Dryden-things haven't changed much here. Love hearing the conspiracy theories, though, take pretty much the same approach. Only with more sarcasm.

  • So, um, how many pounds of chem-trail stuff am I carrying at takeoff?

    I've never seen this included in my weight and balance calculations and it's pretty freakin' important!

  • More people are killed by hammers than guns. Heard that one Friday afternoon. A fucked up ending to a fucked up week.

    I need to move back to the city.

  • moderateindy says:

    I hope the illuminati/bilderberg/lizard people controlling our government is true. I'd hate to think we are so horribly screwed up simply because of our own incompetence.
    Furthermore to you Red Wing fans that proclaimed that the Hawks wouldn't beat the Kings because toughness great goalie blah blah blah….may I just take this chance to reiterate my earlier message….Suck It!!!
    Go Hawks. Kings fans, tough time to have a great goalie like Quick have a mediocre series, and your best offensive players disappear, although Richards can't be blamed for getting a head injury.

  • Andrew Laurence says:

    @ec: Merchants who complain that they can't afford the credit card fees are bad at math. Square charges 2.75%, and people who use credit cards tend to spend more and be less price-sensitive than people who use cash, so a merchant who doesn't take credit cards is (a) shooting himself in the foot, or (b) keeping income off the books to avoid tax.

  • @sluggo –
    Hammers don't kill people. People kill people. I'll give you my hammer why you pry it from my cold dead hands.

  • It seems to me that the reason these conspiracy theories are so rampant is because there's a conversation that needs to be had, but we're not allowed to have it. So, people's concerns get shunted into conspiracy theories instead. That's acceptable to the powers that be, because it's a kind of safety valve that vents people's concerns to a place where they can be mocked.

    Who gets more coverage in America: people like Noam Chomsky, or people like David Icke? From what I understand, Icke is basically Chomsky plus lizards.

  • My college roommate did for awhile untill I finally told her I did not want this sh*t on my computer anymore. Now I just get an occasional puppy or kitten email. She was always dyslexic and never learned to spell and will only "frwd" stuff to keep from having to write it out.
    The other person, I just finally blocked because his vicious, hateful emails told me more than I needed to know about the kind of person he is. He is no longer in our lives in any way. The last one was a video about the differences between Dem women and Repub women and came with an explicit rating – this good Baptist was sending something that probably verged on porn. Never even open it up.

  • @DocAmazing That's exactly what I thought! Have you seen that documentary on Netflix about him and his family? His halting uber-German Mad Scientist accent is quite something to hear. It creeped my girlfriend out. The documentary is quite good though. I think it's called "Dr. Bronner's Magic Soap Box".

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