NPF: BAT PORN

So here's what is about to happen.

I am going to read (for the first time) and live-blog my reaction to a Batman-themed fan fiction / slash porn piece that one of my friends sent me for the expressed purpose of horrifying me. It is entitled "Go Your Own Way" and included in the "Jim Gordon/Bruce Wayne" section of a part of the internet that I can only assume includes every conceivable combination of fictional characters fucking and sucking one another in ways that normal people would not think about sitting down to write about using 43,000 words. I'm serious, it's 43,000 words long. I may not make it but I'm going to try.

Among the tags on this piece are "Daddy Issues," "Jim Gordon," and, helpfully, "porn".

The abstract, if that is the correct term, explains the author's motivation and concludes with the harrowing declaration / warning: "Again, not a lot of plot."

Fuck.

11:04 PM: Half way through chapter 1. The preface was accurate. The set-up here appears to be limited to "Gordon and Wayne are in the same place for a contrived reason of no real importance. They flirt in the manner that an author who has never spoken to another person in a social situation would imagine flirting sounds like. Wayne has a semi; Gordon is intrigued. Soon they will plow each other." Even by the lowered standards of what I was expecting this is not very good, and honestly I kinda just want them to ram it in already because this dialogue is painfully boring to read.

11:09 PM: "I didn't mean to pry," Wayne said. He had, but Gordon didn't bother disputing him. "You might as well come in, since you're here."

I hope I die soon.

11:10: "The bedroom, with its single bed, because that was all he needed, and the chest of drawers that was one half of what had been a set. "Cozy," Wayne said, looking at the bed."

Oh, I get it. Foreshadowing. Because they're gonna bone.

11:14: They've barely gotten into it and they're already calling one another "good boy" and "bad boy." This is gonna be rough. (Double entendre).

11:15: Yeah they're doing it now. Lots of cop allusions and talk about restraints and cuffs and everything else you might expect your average Batman / Fanfic / Chronic Masturbation enthusiast to include in a story like this. Just for reference there was about 8 seconds of foreplay. Maybe 10. It is basically "They kissed, and then grabbed each other's dicks."

11:18: The sex was over in like 11 seconds. This author may have a highly unsatisfying sex life. Also, when Bruce Wayne was blowing Gordon, Gordon was thinking about Batman. That's some deep shit right there.

11:20: 90 seconds of banal conversation, then Wayne blurts out "Ready for another fuck?" I…

11:21: "Wayne's jeans were still open. He'd never fastened them, and with one hand he was somehow able to open the lube, spread it on his hand, and finger himself, all while still kissing Gordon." Spoken like a man who has never had sex before, and possibly has never had hands.

11:23: Oh good, Gordon just called him "son." While banging him. Jackpot!

11:25: "Even the fact he'd thought of Batman when Wayne was sucking him off last night didn't bother Gordon. After all, it hadn't been Batman's pointy hat or swirly cape or man of mystery appeal, or even his bravery and all he stood for."

11:26: Wayne and Gordon are having a conversation about Pasta Roni, which is a code word for fucking each other. See, Gordon wants to go out to a "cheap, quick, and dirty" Italian place, "just like (Bruce) likes". Wayne would rather go straight to Gordon's apartment for what I assume will be another thrilling 18 seconds of old man sex.

11:29: 'Gordon's hand tightened. "Ask it nice."'

11:30: Gordon has an emotionally charged moment and reminisces about his ex-wife whilst kneeling on his kitchen floor. The trigger for this was the smell of Batman's ballsack. Rich people have the most fragrant nuts.

I mean, you know how it goes. One minute you're inhaling balls-aura and the next you're like, man, remember that time I was married to a woman?

11:32: Bruce Wayne is rock hard again approximately 30 seconds after completion of a sex act with Mr. Gordon. Bruce Wayne has some special powers indeed.

11:34: Gordon and Wayne exchange several lines of dialogue marveling at the snugness of the former's asshole. This is approximately as erotic as reading the phone book, albeit less interesting.

11:41: OK the fifth chapter makes it apparent that this has settled into a very mundane formula. Gordon is working and Wayne appears. They have lunch. They fuck. Gordon pretends he is Bruce's dad. Lube is sparingly applied and occasionally forgotten by the author. Phrases like "But he did see Wayne the next night. They had sex. They didn't have Pasta Roni." are used.

I'm done. I don't have seven more chapters of this in me. I suspected that I might be gripped by a range of feelings and emotions while reading this but I did not expect that overwhelming boredom would be one of them. For christ's sake, he at least could have worn the Batman costume or they could have double-teamed Bane or something. Maybe picked up some drifter. Broken out the toys. Anything, really. Anything other than having lunch, talking about noodles, and then pushing each other around like a wheelbarrow.

If anything happens in chapters six through twelve, let me know.

PS. You'll be pleased to know that Commissioner Gordon is a stickler for condoms.

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30 Responses to “NPF: BAT PORN”

  1. Andrew Laurence Says:

    Your description is epic! So much funnier than the real thing (I'm assuming), which I am genuinely sorry you had to read, but also glad, because hilarious!

  2. tkno77 Says:

    I'm glad you spent less than an hour on that – your poor brain! What did it do to deserve that?!

  3. Dean Says:

    This post and this web comic – http://maximumble.thebookofbiff.com/2014/09/19/944-signal/ – arrived back to back in my news feed. Coincidence? I think not.

  4. Major Kong Says:

    Was this an attempt to prove Rule 34?

  5. Comradde PhysioProffe Says:

    Why the everloving fucke did you do that??

  6. geoff Says:

    I'm here to tell y'all that that was most likely written by a young woman whose sexual experience consists largely of reading erotic fan fic of this very kind. (The Mrs. used to read a lot of X-Files fic. Skinner/ Mulder was a big fave as I recall.) This doesn't excuse the poor quality, but I think the intended audience is straight (ish) women and not dudes of any stripe.

  7. Nan Says:

    My first thought was the same as Geoff's — that dreck was written by a woman. There's been quite a bit of Star Trek slash floating around for decades, and it's all written by women who seem to enjoy the idea of Spock and Kirk or Spock and McCoy getting it on. Constance Penley has done a lot of work in this area. She's worth reading even if the slash she analyzes isn't.

  8. Assistant Professor Says:

    What Geoff said. A gay friend of mine occasionally read slash and he'd note that the young ladies writing it didn't really understand the underlying physics of gay sex.

  9. rachel Says:

    http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sex_Tips_for_Slash_Writers

    the writer may have neglected this little trove of wisdom by fandom's favorite gay dude, minotaur (RIP)

  10. Robert Says:

    Geoff, not only the physics, but psychology, anatomy and possibly biology. It reminds me of the porn straight men create* about lesbians.

    Pasta Roni? Well, at least we know it wasn't Paleo sex.

    *I can't really use 'write', given the outcome.

  11. JohnR Says:

    Sounds pretty standard in some ways, to me. I'd say about 80% of the thousands of volumes of porn I've read over the decades has been pretty damned irritating, if not boring. Most of it seems to be based on impressively poorly-written fantasies derived from porn videos, but with less plot.

  12. SeaTea Says:

    Until this moment I would not have listed coming here and reading gay sex play-by-play as among likely things to happen. Kudos to you, sir, for keeping it… fresh?

  13. tbert Says:

    There is only one true Batman slashfic.

  14. J. Dryden Says:

    To be fair–no, really!–to the, um, piece under scrutiny: All porn is targeted to a particular audience, and to all other audiences, said porn will be boring, offensive, laughable, and so on. There's somebody out there for whom this type of erotica contains the mysterious 'oomph' ingredient–and given the popularity of slash fiction, said somebody is not a rare bird–but for everyone else, goddamn, all we can see is the, to be kind, clunkiness of the delivery mechanism for the 'oomph.'

    JohnR is on to something, in other words–this stuff is pretty standard 'literotica'–it just wasn't written with us in mind. At all. At *all*.

  15. Robert Says:

    J. Dryden, Cracked had a piece a while back about strange fanfic porn. Like Elrond and Captain Picard slash strange. It brought home how. . . varied human sexual response can get. What strikes me is the question – was it always like that, and we just didn't know, or has it really gotten stranger? I'm guessing the former. Imagine what we would have seen if the Internet had been around earlier.

  16. mothra Says:

    "slash porn?" That's a thing? That people willing seek out?

  17. mothra Says:

    Willingly seek out. Goddamn it.

  18. Diana Says:

    why are you reading this? You don't have to. at least one fanfic site has over a million works. You can skip the bad ones.

  19. Sophia Says:

    Thank you, J. Dryden. I've seen a lot more mockery of fanfic and slash in mainstream circles lately because it's an easy target, and as someone who's been reading and writing it for going on two decades now, my heart sinks every time. It is, indeed, written with a specific audience in mind, and yes there are absolutely godawful examples out there (frankly, this one doesn't even come close), but there's also a lot of stuff that's miles better than standard romance novels and even some literary fiction. I think it's such a ripe target because it's usually totally lacking in self-aware irony — generally we write things we sincerely enjoy, and somehow that seems to ruffle feathers elsewhere. That, and the idea of women getting off on any porn at all, especially one in which the presumably heterosexual text has been queered, just seems to be hilarious to some people. Frankly, I'm disappointed to see this post here, since you could spend five minutes wandering into any internet subculture and make fun of stuff people sincerely enjoy and it would be about equally as (not) funny.

  20. Therese Says:

    Yes, we get it: Fanworks are strange to those outside fandom. Do you feel better now that you've mocked someone else's hobby?

  21. Robert Says:

    There are some sexual fantasies I have written that I will not post online -ANYWHERE online. I'm not sure if it's because I'm afraid people will mock it (or, more likely, recoil in horror), or because I'm afraid of people enjoying it. More specifically, I'm afraid of coming to the attention of people who would enjoy it and want more.

  22. Monty Says:

    My concept of porn is dependent on audio/visual components; the pure text format just doesn't work for me. Perhaps I lack the requisite imagination or hormones or maybe its my lack of sexual ambiguity, but anyway I read all 13 chapters and zzzz…I can write better gay porn fic than this (NO I AM NOT SAYING THERE NEEDS TO BE A CONTEST K THX)

    I agree with geoff more than I disagree with JohnR (despite his thousands of years of pages of experience) but it seems to me on reflection that JDryden also has some insight.

    ps – almost posted a link to batporn video but then didn't.

  23. Xynzee Says:

    Good. I'm glad I wasn't the only one to think this was written by a female—from what I've been told a large number of blokes write your Harlequin Romance stuff, so why not? Isn't fanfic what brought us 50 Shades?

    The clunky prose caused this to immediately spring to mind:
    http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=1793

    I have to agree with Diana. Sometimes you just oughta say, "No!" You might find yourself feeling better about the world.
    Ever consider making a YouTube channel on the "Adventures of Ivars"? You may wind up with an adoring fanfic following yourself.

  24. Adele Dazeem Says:

    And to think, you could have been enjoying showtunes instead.

  25. Michael Says:

    Wow just wow. Better your mind then mine and I am glad that you stopped before there was permanent damage. You are a braver man than I. Oh and that was hilarious.

  26. Brian M Says:

    Amused at all the people OFFENDED by this tongue-in-cheek post. Come on peoplel, nobody is saying you can't have your weird fetishes. Most of us do. But don't be surprised if other people laugh at them. Have a little self awareness that yes, Batman-Commissioner Gordon pornography is STRANGE. Get over yourselves.

  27. DocAmazing Says:

    That slash fiction seems to have broken your site.

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