NPF: NYET!

I have very limited and intermittent internet access up here in the Yukon (which is lovely, except for the 9 months annually in which I'm sure it is Hell on Earth, or rather the Hoth System) and I'm also remarkably depressed for someone who's on vacation so this will have to be quick. Part of the problem is that it's not really a vacation, but 30 days of aimless driving for the sole purpose of not having to live my actual life. I'm bad at pretending, including pretending that I don't have to go back to Central Illinois and its ugliness (in every sense of the term) shortly. But anyway.

1. Pictures! I have lots of pretty pictures! Look at them. If you didn't know me better you would swear I'm having fun.

2. I was going to write about this but instead you must make do with a link about the international incident that nearly occurred when Nikita Khrushchev was forbidden to visit Disneyland (for logical security reasons, as the LAPD could not guarantee that a heckler would not throw a tomato at him or worse, as happened several times on his visit). What is the point of writing about anything, really. Someone else has already written about it.
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3. Nearly all of my friends are far more successful than me (personally and professionally) and they all, in conversation, reference the role of luck in their success – being in the right place at the right time, knowing somebody somewhere who gave them a leg up, etc.
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I'm thinking a lot about whether I'm unlucky (in this specific sense – being born White, Male, and American is pretty goddamn lucky) or whether I have opportunities that I'm too stupid to recognize or too untalented to take advantage of.

4. I'll be in Alaska in about 8 more hours. 4100 miles driven so far. The only life goals I have ever actually accomplished are ones that can be accomplished by driving long distances.
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So congratulations Ed, you can sit patiently and operate cruise control.

51 thoughts on “NPF: NYET!”

  • Here in the Bay Area, you can probably only use cruise control effectively at 3am. I forget my car is equipped with it.

  • You're about to get to Kluane then Alaska. I really like the drive from Haines Jct to Tok.

    Watch for incredibly large frost heaves in the road.

  • c u n d gulag says:

    You're way too hard on yourself, man.

    You have a pretty decent job – ok, it's not in the greatest area, but still, in this day and age…

    And don't compare yourself to others.
    That's what losers do, and I don't think any of us here think of you as a loser.
    You're a terrific and interesting writer.
    You cover issues that few other do – and those who do, don't do it with the aplomb and humor that you do.

    Enjoy the rest of the vacation.
    When else will you have the opportunity to see the things you've seen, are seeing, and will see?

    I envy you, because I never did what you're doing, and wish I did!

    Maybe next year, save up some money and go to Europe or Asia.
    In Europe you'll find people who are doing better than many of us in America. But, you can't beat the history and the sights.
    AND THE FOOD!!!!!!!!!!!

    And in large parts of Asia, without too much effort, you'll find people who are doing far worse than most of us Americans.
    Many ancient sights to see.
    AND THE FOOD!!!

    Or, go to South America!
    Great sights and food there, too!

    Sorry about being so long-winded.
    I'm just sad because you're not happy – not happy, when you're taking the trip of a lifetime.

    It's a shame you didn't have someone else from your college go with you.
    But, a trip that long could make or break a friendship, so I understand why you didn't do that.

    Them's my $0.02 worth of word-turds
    ENJOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • You should have selected a less dour traveling companion. Spending 4,000 miles with anyone is tough, but especially with someone you were tired of before you even set out.

    But more seriously, one thing I like to do on long drives alone is to just start fake laughing. Just keep laughing for a minute or so, and your body and much of your neurochemistry just up and forgets that you had nothing to laugh about. Not only is that ridiculous enough that your conscious mind just gives up and decides well, after all that is kind of funny – but meanwhile your brain's been releasing endorphins, so things are starting to look up.

    I dare you to try it. It's taught me a lot about not letting the state of my life dictate my emotions . . . .

  • Wow.. dude.. that is sad. Forget about the future… forget about the past… drive on and enjoy the moment. Ok that is pretty shitty as well, just with a better view..but cheer up.

    You can always reinvent yourself… and many successfull people kill themselves with drugs, car crashes and guns…

  • God I hate driving. You know the biggest reason I hate driving? You can't drink and drive. And a good beer makes almost everything feel better, at least for the 5-10 minutes until it's empty.

    Sorry to hear your dream vacation isn't helping your moods. Depression is a bitch.

  • In a lot of the places where Ed is driving, you could probably drink if you wanted to, as there are few humans and even fewer cops. But I wouldn't advise drinking enough to become intoxicated, as even a slight accident can be very life-threatening in such an isolated area. Come to think of it, I wouldn't advise drinking and driving at all, but you probably could get away with it if you were very discreet and very, very moderate.

  • I'm told Alaska is beautiful, as long as you're not a cruise ship tourist; then it's just jewelry shops. 3 comments: You're not in jail. You haven't killed anyone (that we know of). And legitimate pharmacological intervention works, trust me! (I can't comment on the illegal stuff, though I do live in Washington State, nudge nudge, wink wink).

    What kind of road trip tunes are you listening to, anyway? 'Cause we can all send you playlist suggestions….

  • Faintly McAbre says:

    I second C U N D gulag. I am also unhappy to see you unhappy.

    I mean, how cool is this trip? You are doing something extraordinary that few have done. Most Americans have not seen anywhere near as much of the country and the continent as you. I know I sure haven't, and sadly, it has become quite real to me that I can't and never will. Sometimes the most exciting and exotic sights are the ones you're getting right now by your own design.

    This is not to say that I am not full of trepidation for you for the final stretch into Deadhorse – that sounds terrifying – but you will have made it all the way to the Arctic Sea. That is just incredible. Also, it is pretty macho. I won't even drive into NYC and take trains instead, and you're about to drive a legendary route.

    Please try to enjoy this moment for what it is, and not what it isn't or what you go home to – this is awesome, you're awesome, and we enjoy partaking of your awesome self and doings.

  • The fake laughing is a good one. When I had a small sports car, an MG, I used to drive fast with the top down on lonesome roads and scream at the top of my lungs. It was very therapeutic. If I was stressed or depressed or whatever, I felt so much better after a few minutes of screaming into the wind as loud as I could. It also made me realize I could scream if I had to, if I was being accosted or something horrible. Try it, you don't need a convertible, just roll the windows down, but make sure you're alone on the road.

  • I have benefited, career-wise at least, from a fair amount of luck in my life. But that luck hasn't been consistent, and I've also had some really shitty years waiting for the good kind of luck to come back around. I have had times when I had to decide between stubbornly holding on to a job that gave me panic attacks in order to work in a field I genuinely love, or to bail entirely and start some kind of new career path. It ultimately worked out for me, but only because I was willing to move to Kansas to take a job that's as close to my dream job as I'm likely to find. And I have paid for this career in ways beyond living in Kansas (which, for a Californian, is kind of rough): I spent my 20s living in one of the most expensive areas of the country while working for a non-profit, so you can guess about my financial health.

    All of which is to say: there's still time for you to encounter the good kind of luck. There's still time for opportunities to come your way, sometimes when you least expect them. There will be life beyond Peoria.

  • Skepticalist says:

    Look at the bright side. You got out of town for your breakdown. Not everybody can do that.

    I can't improve on all the ideas from the other inmates. Good stuff here!

  • If I read your blog/comments daily it is a sign fro Gaia itself that you should just give up.

    Sorry, s'truth.

  • I've always found long drives to be therapeutic. Your pictures are beautiful.

    Some day you'll think back and be glad that you mad the trip. Think about how many people never so much as leave their home state.

  • Depression is a bitch, but now that you're up north, the sun is out all the time. When I went up to Anchorage for the 2008 summer solstice, I rode the high of constant sunlight for weeks after I got back home. Hope that makes sense.

    Your pictures are amazing.

  • You are like me. Too much thinking is bad. Think less. Live more. The quote that shook my foundations today was basically (it was in French, so I'm loosely translating): "Too often we live in the past, burdened with regret. Too often we live in the future, thinking about what might be, or could be. Think about what your life is, and make your home there."

  • Hey, listen. I have lurked here reading your site for about a year now, and your writing keeps me coming back because it makes me both laugh and think. So you've changed my life in a small but real way – and the only way you know that is that I'm bothering to tell you. Think of how many people WON'T bother to tell you that your work matters or makes a difference to them. Hold onto your ego with a death grip – don't lose a sense of your place in the world, just because the world is too lazy to give you external validation.

  • Ed,
    You don't know me. A mutual friend use to send me copies of your blog when I couldn't have internet access. Each was inspiring and stood shoulder to shoulder with thought pieces from The NYT, Mother Jones and many others. Now I subscribe and await each post. I hope that is worth something to you even in a small way.
    You are able to travel in as many con only imagine – if that. Recharge yourself. Peoria must be a better place for your presence.

  • Luck, yes. Luck has played a part in getting me to where I am. Another thing that helps is recognizing when the lucky star is passing your way, grabbing it, and hanging on for all you're worth. Luck doesn't drop success into your lap, any more than privilege does.

  • @ Andrew

    I used to use my cruise control on the San Mateo bridge all the time or on the stretch of 880S between 680 and 237, it would be suicidal to even try it these days. FSM I hate driving in the Bay Area and fervently wish we had a better public transportation system. It's getting to LA levels of suck for some reason lately, this past month I've had to do a lot of driving for work and getting really fed up with the 2 hour drives to get someplace 20 miles away.

    I'm curious for those of you who live in a car-oriented metro area, is it common where you live for there to be 4-5 major traffic accidents in the morning and another 5-7 in the evening commutes? I've never experienced this anywhere else I've lived and wondered if this is more common than I think.

  • Ed,
    Yours in the only blog I follow.
    Between you and the commentariat it's very good.

    Perhaps you should consider taking that "right" turn that's coming up.
    Jaunt across the Aleutians then keep going.

    Good thing your friends acknowledged "luck" as a key to how they got to where they are. The other kind are unbearable.

    Yeah depression sucks. You can see the party that everyone is at on the other side of the chasm, and they want you to come join them. But the leap across is beyond any human effort.
    The path to the party isn't to leap over the chasm. The sign showing the way is overgrown by kudzu.

    You're a human being, you're not dead and therefore you *can learn*. You can learn to find your way through the "scrub", skirt along the edge of the chasm, find that rickety dodgy bridge and cross to the party. It requires faith that God, the FSM, the "universe" or whatever will raise up the right people at the right time. But remember, you CAN learn how to overcome this.

    The "path" will most likely not go the way you think it "ought" to go, and the people along the way will probably point you in directions you'd never considered. I'd had plans for myself, and at 40 someone suggested the path I'm on now. I'm in a pokey little town in rural Aus, and I have my own problems. However, I do have a future and I'm making plans for it and in general I'm happy. More importantly, I'm content.

    One thing worse than being employed in a shitty job (or in your case a town), is to be unemployed (and in your case stuck in said shitty town). So you're doing pretty good.

  • @Ed; I echo what everyone else here has said, because they said it better and said it first. You matter much more than you think, and there's a whole group of people rooting for you to have a wonderful time on your vacation. Relax and enjoy the sights.

    @Toschek; I'm in the metro Washington-Baltimore area. Just yesterday I had to pick up a kid from an on-campus summer college class to take him to a dentist appt (because I'm too cheap to pay an extra $400 on top of all the other costs to let him keep his car on campus for 6 weeks). I left work at noon, drove 15 miles (11 of them on the 2-lane "memorial" highway), got there at 2. Traffic in my area is every bit as horrendous as that in the Bay area. It's never a matter of whether there's an accident, it's a matter of where the accidents are that particular moment. Our morning rush hour is in full swing by 6 am and pretty much runs through the day, and there's always traffic slowdowns even at 7 pm. Right now I'm really envious of Ed that he's driving through areas where it's possible to just drive, not sit in bumper-to-bumper traffic because some moron updating his FourSquare information via his smartphone drove up a tree.

  • Thanks for the link to your instagram– those Prairie House pics are great. We (me) would sure like to see your pictures of Brasilia sometime (HINT). Try and stay frosty and drive safe. I recommend very loud rock music both for staying awake and overall mental health benefits. Thanks for staying in touch.

  • @Deborah
    I thought I was the only one who did that. Although I keep the windows rolled up – no need to freak out an innocent unseen bystander. I also go in the garage and pound the shit out of a 2×4 with a hammer.

    Pent up rage? I has it.

  • Alacrity MacRae says:

    Ed,
    The great thing about roads trips is that, if they're fun and interesting, your accounts of them will cause your associates to envy you. And if they're frustrating, boring, bummers, your tales will entertain your associates even more. Plus, wherever you go, there you are.

  • anotherbozo says:

    "What is the point of writing about anything, really. Someone else has already written about it."

    Incidentally we don't come here for news. Or commemorative accounts of past events, either. We come for dyspeptic, funny, insightful ruminations on whatever you care to discuss. Why you waste your talents on us is one question, but we enjoy them as long as you care to do it.

    Waiting for your book!

  • Man, that pyramid thing in the prairies was worth the whole trip all by itself. The rest is even better. You may be stone-bored with yourself, but the rest of us aren't. And you're bringing you to this trip which makes it curiouser and curiouser to the rest of us. Also, great pics!

    Seconding everyone else: *Thanks!*

  • skwerlhugger says:

    You find a turtle bigger than a house and you still aren't having fun? Cripes. For the return there's a 10' squirrel in Longview, WA, near the Nutty Narrows Bridge.

  • skwerlhugger says:

    BTW, for someone less than enchanted by the human condition, wouldn't listening to James McMurtry on a trip to Alaska be like listening to Dueling Banjos on a canoe trip?

  • ZeroInMyOnes says:

    Ed, I am sorry to hear you are not feeling well. This trip was a good choice for you. You exercised opportunity. Experiencing fantastic sites in our world. Reflecting in wild un-made places. But a piece of this enterprise is a bummer. Road fatigue. A bit too much solitude. Yes. Please remind yourself why you chose the way you did. You had your reasons. And please keep moving.

  • I have traversed murica east to west so many times I can't recall. Every E-W interstate and many many side roades. Never went north or south to Canadia or Messico. Most of those journeys alone.

    Pretty privileged – white, murican, a couple of extra brain cells, not scary-looking in my youth…..but female so I get to take off a few points (I was not allowed to play drums when instruments were decided in 5th grade! What? I like banging on shit. I just wish I knew how to bang more interestingly…) …but, to be fair, coming of age in the 70's companies were FORCED to hire women in management which gave me access to jobs I wouldn't have otherwise…

    Oh, and this was just after Roe vs.. So clinics were everywhere, no protesters, not very expensive….really, the golden age of abortion.

    I call it a wash.

    ANYWAY….. SING. That's what I used to do. Put on your very favorite, but guilty songs, and just FULL VOICE that shit!!! Crank it up to fucking 12, man! Open the windows (so you don't break your eardrums, and because you are SINGING TO THE FUCKING WORLD! Don't matter if you couldn't carry a tune in a goddamn aircraft carrier, ain't nobody gonna hear you no how anyway!!

    Anyway, it used to help me.

  • To be clear, you're decidedly bright and talented.
    But you're depressed. This, as much as anything affects your situation, your risk profile, and your happiness, which in turn affect your situation & your risk profile.

    I'm sorry you're having a long period of crap.

    But it will pass. Outlast the crap. It's happened for me, a couple of times.

  • Having any kind of academic success, much less achieving a tenure-track position, while living with severe and debilitating depression, is a giant achievement. You should be proud of yourself. I wanted to be a professor once, and in the end I never finished undergrad.

    Also, you're less trapped than you think. Maybe you're not a professor your whole life. One of my favorite teachers in high school was a guy who had found teaching college disappointing. Lots more freedom to choose where you live.

    Also, if you had a Patreon, I'd support it.

  • If you're in Alaska and feeling blue about it, just do what everyone who lives there does about that very same condition:

    Meth. Just, like, BUCKETS of meth.*

    (*Side effects may include seeing bears who aren't really there, not seeing bears that really are, and voting for Sarah Palin.)

    But, all right, let's be serious. Look, you're depressed because you're alone. That is understandable. VERY much so. Also because Peoria is killing your soul. Also understandable, also VERY much so.

    So the solution is simple (though not easy): You need to get the fuck out.

    Seriously, this needs to happen. You are isolated in a place where there is no one with whom you can alleviate this condition. You need to get out.

    Easier said than done, asshole, I hear you say, and you are correct. Although, feelings, ouch.

    But the fact is, there IS an exit strategy. It's a long one, and it will be a painful one, but it CAN be done. I know you've already thought of it–I know you already know what I'm going to say, but I also know you need to accept that this is the only way you can reasonably expect a non-lottery-winning escape from that Satan's-Asshole-Adjacent place you live:

    You need to publish your way out of this job.

    I know. I know, I know, I know, I know–you have mentioned, once or twice, that your track record with publishing has been brutal and miserable and unsuccessful. I know. And, also, here's the thing: I don't care. Too bad. It has sucked up until now, and it will continue to suck until you start to get the numbers up, but FUCK IT, you plug away and plug away and plug away and eventually you get the CV that will get you on the fucking job market with a dick to swing.

    It's the only way. It will be boring and awful and tough shit because it's like quitting, say, meth–which I understand you also need to do, now–the only way to do it is to do it and to accept that being miserable is an inevitable part of the process, but that UNLIKE the current misery you're in, this misery is temporary and yields release from the hell you are currently in. Your current form of misery simply doesn't yield anything but the false hope that maybe, if you find the RIGHT spot to hang out, the right THING to do with your time, MAYBE all the things that make you fucking miserable in Peoria will stop making you miserable. That will not happen. You need. To get. The fuck. Out.

    Stop trying to figure out a way to stay and not be miserable–you've tried, and you're simply making yourself feel WORSE for having tried and failed. Instead, do what you need to do to get. The fuck. Out.

    This will take time, and sustained energy, and repeated frustrations and disappointments. But it will mean the difference between looking around and thinking "Years" and looking around and thinking "Forever."

    And that is a difference worth making the effort to achieve.

    Also, hey, enjoy the rest of the holiday!

  • Ed:

    I have a plaque on the post at one end of my kitchen's "make dishes dirty, then make dishes clean" island. It says:

    "Yesterday is a memory. Tomorrow is a promise. Today is a real bummer.".

    I laugh, every time I see it.

  • Oh, and depression is a real illness. It's a chemical imbalance in the brain. When you get home, go see a doctor and get on one of the anti depressants. If that one doesn't work, change to another until you find one that does.

    I suffered from it in the past, went the medicine route for a couple of years, and now I'm fine. (Well, at least no longer depressed.)

    Seriously, man.

  • You don't have to go back to Peoria.

    There has to be a way of going over the wall without turning into Cool Hand Luke.

  • HoosierPoli says:

    When we crave "success", what we really want is respect and acknowledgement.

    Ed, I respect the hell out of you. I've been successful in my own way, on my own terms, but you've managed to overcome challenges that I looked up at, said "Aw hell no" and ran away from with my tail between my legs.

    So there's that.

  • Emerson Dameron says:

    I get passing depression on tour when I don't think I'm enjoying it as much as I should be. Sometimes it's poor sleep, poor nutrition, and tedium. Like everyone else here, I really appreciate you and your sense of humor and hope you end up enjoying yourself.

  • I haven't taken a vacation longer than 1 week in nearly 20 years, because last time I did all I could think was "how do I live like this?" when it was over. If I ever took more than 2 weeks I would have never gone home, I'm sure of it.

  • Ed, I'm a white male American and I don't even have an awesome blog. So if you're keeping score, you're ahead of me, at least.

    Depression's a bitch, I've been fighting it for a few years and my brother's fucking drowning in it right now. For me, exercise and therapy help. And focusing on enjoying the moment instead of worrying about tomorrow and fretting over yesterday–harder than it sounds. Haven't tried meds, but obviously they work for some people.

  • Get your ducks in a row for when lady Luck does turns up. After all, luck is where preparation meets opportunity. And. Stuff the "Take care crap." Live dangerously, it sharpens the wits!

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