EXCLUSIVE: CRUZ RUNNING MATE LIST

My anonymous source in the Cruz campaign was kind enough to send me this. Looks like Carly Fiorina, shockingly, was not their first choice!

Cruz

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45 Responses to “EXCLUSIVE: CRUZ RUNNING MATE LIST”

  1. Delbort Says:

    Wow, I can't believe Actual Ghost of Actual Adolf Hitler didn't make the shortlist.

  2. Everett Says:

    Comic Sans makes this.

  3. Well mostly Says:

    The two biggest scolds in America, save for Ted's father, but a Cruz Cruz ticket would too weird even for this election. So, it had to be Carly. No other contenders.
    Goodness, what does it say that she took Ted's call? Maybe she can help lay off his campaigne staffers in a few weeks. She's got the chops for that, right?

  4. svnski Says:

    What about Ronald Reagan in Angel form?

  5. A Different Nate Says:

    The unconstitutional bit next to Dubya's name – would that really be the case? I mean, I know the 22nd Amendment limits presidents, but would it also bar a former two term president from taking on the VP role?

  6. April Says:

    I wondered that too. Not that he would do it but Obama as VP would clinch the election…and wouldn't it be great to have him in the executive branch for another 8 years?

  7. Huntly Says:

    @A Different Nate
    Wondering that myself! Imagine the awesomeness of Clinton/Clinton 2016!!

  8. Glen H Says:

    No Boaty McBoatface? He is popular and could give the campaign a real lift.

  9. Glen H Says:

    Btw, has anyone noticed how much Ted looks like Pugsly from the old Addams Family films from the 1990s?

  10. N__B Says:

    I think the annotations for numbers 10 and 11 got swapped by mistake.

  11. Talisker Says:

    I find it amusing that David Cameron made the list. He's a moderate Conservative by the standards of the UK, which makes him a moderate liberal in the USA. He supports gay marriage and a publicly funded health service. There probably isn't much he would disagree on with Hillary Clinton.

    On a related note Boris Johnson, Mayor of London and Trumpish buffoon, was born in New York City so may be technically eligible to be President. (He recently renounced his US citizenship, largely to escape from tax obligations; I don't know about the legality of un-renouncing it.)

    @A Different Nate, April, Huntly: That's a definite no. The 12th Amendment rules it out:

    But no person constitutionally ineligible to the office of President shall be eligible to that of Vice-President of the United States.

    I Am Not A Lawyer but that seems pretty watertight to me.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twelfth_Amendment_to_the_United_States_Constitution

  12. Bodeen McBoniface Says:

    wrt #6, Mitch McConnell said it best: "If someone were to attempt to murder Ted Cruz on the floor of the senate, no one would intervene."

  13. Dave Dell Says:

    I also wonder about President Obama's constitutionality to be VP. However, I think a better slot for him would be as President Clinton's Secretary of State. Then VP during her second term. Would that be "A Jefferson"?

  14. Talisker Says:

    @Dave Dell: Wonder no more. 12th Amendment says Obama cannot be VP. (See my earlier comment.)

    I seriously doubt Obama wants a Cabinet post (or congressional seat) at this point. I could see him working as a special envoy on a case-by-case basis, as other ex-Presidents have done.

  15. Tim H. Says:

    Two elephant droppings combine to produce… more fertilizer.

  16. anotherbozo Says:

    @Bodeen: I believe that was Lindsey Graham who said that. McConnell hasn't ever said anything remotely resembling wit—that I ever heard, anyway.

  17. Greg Says:

    If someone is constitutionally barred from being President he would therefore be constitutionally barred from being the guy whose job it is to be President if the President can't be.

  18. Major Kong Says:

    Fiorina is the best he could do?

    Hewlett Packard gave her $20 million just to make her go away.

  19. c u n d gulag Says:

    Kerry and Bill Clinton looked into Bill being VP along side Gore, but they found it was unconstitutional, due to the VP being first in line in case the POTUS can't finish his term.

    Btw, did anyone catch Fiorina singing to Cruz's kids at the announcement? I
    bet that's the first time THAT'S ever happened!

    Cruz-ader & Carly:
    Creepy & Creepier!

  20. Major Kong Says:

    Cruz's kids haven't been traumatized enough already?

  21. terraformer Says:

    Obama would be great on the Supreme Court. Or is that also a non-starter?

    Imagine the heads exploding if Clinton were to nominate him…

  22. ronzie Says:

    Apparently, no one is really sure if someone who has been elected to the presidency twice is eligible to be elected as vice-president: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vice_President_of_the_United_States#Eligibility

  23. Talisker Says:

    @ronzie: OK, I stand corrected. But even if it's arguably legal, it's a lousy idea:

    1) The Presidential campaign (and inauguration, if it got that far) would be consumed by discussion of whether Obama is eligible to be VP. Massive distraction which could only help the Republicans.
    2) This would inevitably wind up in the Supreme Court. If the SC decides no, Hillary would have to choose and confirm a new VP. Massive distraction again, and no guarantee she would get her preferred second choice (if the Electoral College or Senate was involved at that point).
    3) If the SC decides yes, Hillary dies in a bizarre gardening accident, and VP Obama gets an extra half-term as President, he is definitely barred from running again. From day one he is a lame duck. So much for continuity or having a viable successor.
    4) During the election campaign, what is gained by having Obama as VP nominee? What can he contribute as running mate, above and beyond what he can do by campaigning for Hillary as, y'know, the sitting President? Nothing, that's what.

    OTOH, Obama is totally eligible to be a Supreme Court Justice, Secretary of State, or Governor of American Samoa. I just don't think he wants any of those jobs. (Same goes for Dubya or Bill Clinton. Although Bill might get sent to Samoa if he annoys President Hillary enough.)

  24. Skipper Says:

    But we know why John Boehner isn't on the list:

    "Lucifer in the flesh," Boehner said of Cruz. "I have Democrat friends and Republican friends. I get along with almost everyone, but I have never worked with a more miserable son of a bitch in my life."

  25. sluggo Says:

    Our prison population probably makes us the worst country on Earth. Either we have significantly more criminals than everyone else, or we lock up more innocent people than everyone else. One way or another, that makes us bad.

    So we actually deserve Cruz/ Fiorina. Trump and Clinton might be too good for us.

  26. Mo Says:

    Hey, Skipper, now maybe you've hit upon a good ol' ratfucking opportunity here – slip into the evangelical pipeline that Cruz is the Papist Antichrist.

  27. mothra Says:

    Left the dreadful governor of NM, Susana Martinez, off the list. "Real" Hispanic AND a woman. Just as dreadful a human being as Cruz. Win-win for the party of hate!

  28. Heqit Says:

    I agree with @Talisker on David Cameron, and suggest Margaret Thatcher in his place, since being dead and/or British is not a bar to making this utterly brilliant shortlist. And you know hardline Conservatives (and assholes, but I repeat myself) have just about as much of an obsessive love for the "Iron Lady" (…eww) as they do for Reagan.

    Otherwise, great stuff, Ed. This is the kind of humor that gets stolen and reposted around the internet without attribution. We'll look for you on Buzzfeed in about a week!

  29. seniorscrub Says:

    @heqit
    With the inevitable "But when I saw who was missing, my jaw dropped…." tagline.

  30. Skepticalist Says:

    Are we sure Carly is Jesus Jolly enough for 2016?

  31. April Says:

    All good points, Talisker. Still…..sigh. Actually I wish Obama would do what the repugs have scare-tacticed about and declare himself president-for-life. I know most of the world would cheer…

  32. diana Says:

    did not start laughing until "google later" but boy was that one funny

  33. Talisker Says:

    @April: Well, maybe. But being a head of government is an incredibly stressful job. Experience from the UK (Thatcher, Blair) indicates that after 8-10 years, incumbents are increasingly arrogant, isolated and paranoid, and not as effective as they once were. On balance I think the US presidential term limit is a good thing.

    (Our current not-so-glorious leader, David Cameron, has said he will voluntarily step down after 10 years in power, even though he's fairly young and there's no official barrier to his seeking a third term.)

    Obama has said his favourite conspiracy theory about himself is the one about staying in power beyond the end of a second term. His comment was:

    Anybody who thinks I could get away with telling Michelle I’m going to be president any longer than eight years does not know my wife.

    http://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/obama-picks-his-favorite-conspiracy-theory

  34. Katydid Says:

    @Talisker, I've heard President Obama say those words, and I am positive he's telling the truth. Michelle Obama was not crazy about him running for president because she's a smart lady and realized the absolute racist s***storm that would pelt them from the usual suspects. She was not wrong.

  35. PaulW Says:

    I'm surprised Sarah Palin was not… oh, right, she's aligned with Trump.

    …so that leaves… hmm…

    Cigarette Smoking Man from the X-Files. Oh wait, is actor William B. Davis Canadian? Just like Cruz?

  36. Bitter Scribe Says:

    That's funny except for Taylor Swift. What did she ever do to deserve that?

  37. Amy Says:

    I figured it wasn't his politics that got Cameron on the list. But rather his past embarassing weirdness, which makes pillow-humping and soup hoarding look dignified.

  38. Katydid Says:

    @Bitter Scribe; Taylor Swift is talentless, in love with herself, and way overblown…just like Ted Cruz!

  39. Jono Says:

    Any of the commenters here would be a far better choice, but I doubt any would WANT the position.

  40. Katydid Says:

    @Major Kong re Cruz's kids: there's a videoclip making the rounds of Cruz's oldest daughter running from him when he tries to huge her–this is the same kid who turned away when he tried to kiss her. Hilarious stuff, caught on tape forever.

  41. Katydid Says:

    * hug her, not huge her.

  42. chris y Says:

    Taylor Swift is talentless, in love with herself, and way overblown…just like Ted Cruz!

    Maybe, but as far as I can tell she'd take her chances alone on an ice flow with a polar bear before she'd return Cruz' call.

    Clinton will presumably go with Castro.

  43. Katydid Says:

    Castro would be a good choice, IMO. She's got tons of experience, he's got less.

  44. Concrete Brad Says:

    Had Cruz stayed in the race, Larry Craig would've been perfect for the still-in-the-closet GOPers.

  45. Watch Says:

    Yes! Finally something about Funny.