"Lonely loser. Pathological creep. Misogynist. Potential rapist."

These, as Salon.com puts it, are very apt terms to describe a man who engages in sexual practices with a doll. When examining the notion of a "sex doll" imagery of the blow up doll with gaping mouth frequently used as comic relief in shameless films comes to mind. However, it would seem that the company Real Doll has been attempting to change this stereotype since 1996. That's right, for around $6500.00 you could have a "life like" sex doll crafted with state of the art "Hollywood special effects technology".

Historically speaking, ginandtacos.com has introduced its readers to a vast array of stories that could be said to make fun of themselves. That said, when I first became aware of this phenomenon when reading a story on Salon.com I realized that never before had something been so instrinsically ridiculous as to need no further fun making.

So then, as opposed to actually making any sort of attempt at degrading these people's "lifestyles" I will instead try to explain to you how I came to the conclusion that this is the single most absurd thing ever posted on ginandtacos.com.

All right then….

To start, when I clicked on the story, I was greeted by this photo:


Yes, this man clearly spent $6500 on the worlds most realistic sex doll

This man….is playing video games with his sex doll. He gave his sex doll a controller? I began reading the article and found out that he has named the doll Sidore and discribes it as being "…everything that turns him on: beautiful, loyal, a great listener." Yes, I know that in its own right, this is creepy. However we soon find out that the doll is half british half Japanese, has the atrological sign Cancer, and get ready for it…..IS A GOTH. The owner of this particular doll, named Davecat, is also goth, has a very bizzare anglophile obsession (I am led to believe that he speaks in a fake British accent), thinks that his doll is an intellectual who, it if could, would walk around with Sylvia Plath books under her/its arms, and sadly believes that "No real woman seems to think I'm good enough for them."

Now, correct me if I am wrong, but this is already exceptionally absurd. However, the article proceeds to regale you with tales of others' doll experiences. We find out that some people have multiple dolls and choose particular ones for particular sex acts. We get the advice from Mike Kelly that "Head 4 is very tight orally. It has a small mouth if you've got a Head 4/Body 5 … you've pretty much got it covered. Tight as a drum."

So as you can imagine, at this point I am treading a very fine line between thinking that this is hysterical and being exceptionally creeped out. This is when I notice that the story has a photo gallery. I proceed to see a picture of two dolls posed on a bed. The caption informed me that the owner claims that they are sisters. He does not have sex with them, he just likes posing them and taking pictures – yes, that is clearly what happens.

Finally, a story related by a man who specializes in repairing the dolls:

Another time, an Asian undergraduate student at a university in California dropped his 1-year-old doll off for repairs. Fiero says the young man told him that his parents bought him the doll so that he would stay at home and study rather than go out chasing women. Fiero's photographs of the damaged doll make me cringe: Her leg was torn off, revealing the steel hardware of her hip joints; an arm hung by an inch of silicone flesh; two fingers were severed; and the cleavage between her buttocks was torn into a ragged crevasse.

"Her vagina was so blown out," Fiero told me. "I was appalled. I couldn't believe someone could fuck something like that up so quickly. It blew me away. How could somebody be so callous? I was offended in so many ways," he continues. "He put her feet behind her head and reamed that doll with whatever cock he's got. He fucked her violently. She was achieving positions she shouldn't achieve or be forced to try. Her vagina and anus were a giant gaping hole."

Well, basically this article is about 8000 words worth of viceral, amusing, and incredibly disturbing imagery. As a final note, he sells about 2 million dollars worth of these a year.

If you are interested in being truely creeped out, read the Realdoll.com FAQ. I honestly could not read any more than a fraction of it before I had to close the browser. My feelings about this can be best described by the Big Lebowski quote:

And then darkness washed over the Dude.

Deleese Williams is exceptionally ugly.

**It has come to my attention that some ginandtacos.com readers believe this entry to be immature and cruel. Once again, it would seem that people found themselves focusing on the one point wherein they could utilize all their worthless pent up reactionary energy, thereby completely missing out on actual meaning. So, for all of you who are too amazingly stupid to read between the lines, I will spell out for you what it was I was talking about.

1. Deleese is not horribly ugly, but rather shows like Extreme Makeover force people to assume this.
2. It is ridiculous for someone to sue as a result of them not being offered a free service.
3. It is even more ridiculous to assume that her sister's mental problems which resulted in drug abuse were caused by Deleese not getting free plastic surgery.

I have not written anything for ginandtacos for quite some time now. Last week I began writing something that turned into an exceptionally long, more than likely quite boring, description of "intelligent design." Perhaps if in the future I can manage to get it to be more amusing and less depressing I might post it. That said, I have decided that my first post will not be visiting any type of intellectual subject. Rather, I will talk about how exceptionally fucking ugly Deleese Williams is.

Mrs. Williams is in fact so ugly that she applied for the show Extreme Makeover on ABC. For those few of you who are unfamiliar (consider yourselves lucky) this show involves everything surgery and style can muster to make someone who was previously unattractive into someone who is marginally less hideous. That said, amongst all the heinously beastly people in the world (celebrity mom's excluded) one would have to assume that you would have to be near to the top of stack of painfully mirror shattering ugly to make it onto this show.

Presumably Deleese Williams was

I know the picture is of fairly low quality, but the accompanying article makes a point of telling us that she has:

"[a] deformed jaw, crooked teeth, droopy eyes and tiny boobs"

If there is a moral to the story it is that in the end her "procedure" was going to take longer than the time frame allotted by the reality television program. Hence, her makeover was cancelled and she had to return to Texas (in her words) "as ugly as I left? I was supposed to come home pretty."

Well, she did not come home pretty. As a result, she is suing ABC. Amongst the claims:

  • The network intentionally humiliated Deleese Williams
  • The network broke its contract with Deleese by not making "payment" for the humiliation
  • The network caused Deleese's sister to OD on pills booze and cocaine

Yep…that’s about it.

Oh, right. Did I forget to mention the Cocaine, booze, and pills. Yeah, that’s a central player. Apparently her sister was so distraught about the derogatory things she had said that she developed a Cocaine, booze and pills habit.

Now…that’s about it.

Oh Shit, I hope I don't have one.

In a stellar display of "actual science" researchers at UCLA and Cal Tech have located what they beleive to be a "Jennifer Aniston neuron". That's right, a epiletic research patient was shown to have neuron the fired specifically in recognition of Jennifer Aniston and only Jennifer Aniston.

It is presumed that this neuron is designed to recognize one individual person, or specifically in this case:

anistonpic.jpg

Even more disturbing is the fact that they seem to have also located a "Friends" neuron. I am not talking about a neuron that recognizes people with whom you are friendly, but rather a specific neuron devoted to recognizing reference to the situational comedy "Friends." The concept is really quite simple.
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Basically, when you are exposed to stimuli a number of neurons fire as a result. These neurons map to sort of a matrix of "learning" neurons. As time passes, and you are exposed to the same basic stimuli over and over again, this matrix shrinks. Essentially it can be said that your brain is getting more adapted to recognizing what you are looking at, hearing, smelling, ect. The logical end to this process would be that after repeated, brain numbing exposure to something your brain would adapt to the point where a single neuron fired in recognition of a particular set of stimuli- in this case Jennifer Aniston, and also the show Friends.

Now, the logical end to this post is to conclude that it is both disturbing and exceptionally amusing that the first time scientists were able to locate such a fantastically adapted neuron it was adapted, not to recognize your wife, girlfriend, or grandmother, but Jennifer Aniston and the situational comedy Friends (two seperate neurons by the way). So if ever we are asked if our culture has been saturated with celebrity, we now know the answer…as well as the answer to some important questions about brain mechanics.

If you think that this is all been made up, here is the original research in pdf format. The publication Nature is the single most well respected source in the scientific community. Having papers published there means very rigorous peer review as well as groundbreaking work.

Have fun.

A more scientific summary from Nature:
"Friends and Grandmothers" -Charles E Connor

The actual original paper:
"Invariant visual representation by single neurons in
the human brain" -R. Quian Quiroga et. al.

It was a simple matter of an "Unfavorable Decision"

When people around the world came together earlier this year to send millions of dollars in cash and resources to Asia to assist the victims of the tsunami, it was my understanding that the aid was generally appreciated. However, it would seem that Sri Lanka's government has found a new and unique way to appreciate the aid.

The charity Oxfam has been instrumental in attempting the rebuild the country and has imported 25 large all terrain vehicles from India to get the job done in remote locations. You would think that the government would love the fact that there are independent organizations willing to help rebuild their country. However, I guess they decided that the best course of action was to charge them upwards of

$1,000,000.00

For the privlege of helping them out. Although this seems ridiculous, the government is claiming it is regular import duties. Somehow I guess the trucks that are being used to transport aid workers and supplies around the country are viewed in the same light as all other imported goods.

It is not like the government of Sri Lanka is completely out of its mind. (I am sure the $5000 dollars a day storage fee Oxfam is having to pay while the paperwork is processed is par for the course) Nonprofit organizations get the chance to apply for these taxes to be waived.

Their request was denied.

Dear England: What the fuck is wrong with you?

While we here at ginandtacos are still confused by the logic employed by three amateur film makers utilizing fluorescent lights and gasoline to make lightsabers, those of you in the United Kingdom aren't sitting on your laurels. It would seem that you have become insanely jealous of the special breed of stupidity that has until recently called the United States home.

Not to be outdone by American drunken, ridiculous behavior, two men in London seem to have become stuck in the mud.

Apparently, in the middle of some midday bender this British fellow decides that he desperately needs to walk to the edge of the Thames. Because, you know, they were going to frolic in the water… or something. Obviously my first reaction to this story was that these two men were clearly American tourists. However, this was apparently native British idiocy.

Thats right, it is the kind of idiocy where after one drunken man decided to walk to the river and get stuck in the mud, his friend figured he was in possession of special "but I can walk ON TOP OF THE MUD" powers. Yes, he proceeded to go out after the first guy. One can't fully understand this reasoning, but one nearby houseboat resident described them as "definitely drunk" and proclaimed the situation to be "pretty funny". I am glad that at least on this point we are in agreement.

Use the force young Skywalker- oh, and some gasoline and fluorescent lights.

As citizens of the United States, the authors of Ginandtacos.com have always prided themselves on living in the coutry that is one of the world leaders in bad ideas. Whether that be Prohibition or electing George Bush a second time, we have always been on the forefront.
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While we in the United States sat idly by and only used gasoline for powering sport utility vehicles and disposing of the occasional incriminating document, a British trio has taken creative liscense with this flammable liquid and used it to create "lightsabers".

I will be the first to admit that I am not the most avid follower of Star Wars movies, but I don't recall lightsabers looking like they were on fire. Despite this, I am fairly certain the logic went something like this:

Although it seems sick and wrong to laugh at these two amateur "filmmakers" injuries, I am not sure if they have left us with much choice. I mean honestly, they filled a glass tube with gasoline and then exposed it to open flames. Perhaps in England this qualifies as lightsaber, but in the rest of the world it is called a bomb.

That said, I hope that authorities don't eventually release the footage of this "scene".
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I really think that it is in my best interest not to see this happen.

Cinco de Mayo: Can we get drunk and eat tacos with a clear conscience?

You might have noticed last week that all the shadiest of bars had strange vinyl signs advertising Corona with iconography reminiscent of a deserted Caribbean island. Then you look a bit further and notice that the cheap eyesore of a banner is actually advertising some kind of Cinco de Mayo celebration- or more appropriately advertising what Corona hopes to become the Mexican "Saint Patrick's Day."

Continue reading

The Ginaissance Presents: Sir Robert Burnett, Fact or Fiction?

On October 9th, 1999 the founding members of the Ginandtacos Corporation convened in Champaign, Illinois with the goal of getting drunk and eating tacos. Confounded by rising gin prices and pretentious college students attempting to tell us that Bombay Sapphire was “good gin” we set out to locate a cheaper gin. Having been previously offended by your mainstream cheap gin manufacturers (McCormick, Aristocrat, and Gordon’s come to mind) we decided to find a cheaper gin. Ed Burmila told a story of a cheap gin named “Crystal Palace” that sold for around $4.50 a bottle with a 1 dollar rebate coupon. Unfortunately, we were informed by local liquor stores that such shit was only sold “up north.”

This did not bother us. We knew that a cheaper gin could be found. After many long hours searching all the liquor stores we finally decided on a regal looking green bottle. This gin was none other than Sir Robert Burnett’s White Satin. When we purchased this bottle we had no idea the legacy that we were starting.

As chronicled on my now defunct university website this is what could have been heard from us that evening:

  • "Officer, there is a toy gun in my shirt"
  • "that pizza guy drank a lot of gin and got in his car to deliver more
    pizza"
    -will he ever know the impact he had on our lives?
  • "why are those people waiting in line for Joes….and there are a lot
    of them"
  • "what gin could possibly be cheaper than Gordon's
    London Dry……"
  • "…..He is a knight, he can't possibly make bad gin"
  • "He is only kind of my boyfriend."

And so it began. That Christmas, Mike and I purchased for Ed a case (12 bottles) or Sir Robert’s finest, thus utilizing bulk discounts to make it the single cheapest per bottle price on gin any of us have ever paid.

Over the years many things changed, but Sir Robert Burnett remained cheap. The simultaneous dirt-cheap price and fine flavor encouraged the ginandtacos.com staff to probe deeper into the mythology of this fine brand. Since 1990 the American version of this gin has been produced by Heaven Hill’s distilleries in Bardstown, Kentucky. (Known for manufacturing, distributing and marketing a fucking ton of shitty spirits) In 2002 Heaven Hill purchased the rights to distribute the gin worldwide (excepting Japan for some reason). Kentucky then became a premium source for London Dry Gin – and unfortunately leaving us with an inadequate “Heaven Hill” website to find out the history of this product.

The website seems to agree that the gin was first produced in 1770. However, the two websites seem confused as to whether a man named “Thomas Burnett” or “Robert Burnett” was the man that first developed this elixir of the gods. Our original thought was that possibly Thomas was Robert’s father, however that quickly faded into fear that Robert Burnett was actually a mythical figure and we had simply been fed lies from the Kentucky gin producers- not an altogether unlikely conclusion.

The first bit of evidence was the fact that Heaven Hill claimed that Robert Burnett perfected his recipe in 1770 when he was Lord Mayor of London. This would have been a great story- if it were true. A quick search reveals no one with the last name of Burnett to have been Lord Mayor until the 1900’s and a list for 20 years around 1770 reveals no Robert or Thomas Burnett.

Lord Mayors of London
1759 Sir Thomas CHITTY
1760 Sir Mathew BLAKISTON
1761 Sir Samuel FLUDYER
1762 William BECKFORD
1763 William BRIDGEN
1764 Sir William STEPHENSON
1765 George NELSON
1766 Sir Robert KITE
1767 Thomas HARLEY
1768 Samuel TUMER
1769 William BECKFORD second term
1770 Barlow TRECOTHICK
1770 Brass CROSBY
1771 William NASH
1772 James TOWNSEND
1773 Frederick BULL
1774 John WILKES
1775 John SAWBRIDGE
1776 Sir Thomas HALLIFAX
1777 Sir James ESDAILE
1778 Samuel PLUMBE
1779 Brackley KENNETT
1780 Sir Watkin LEWES

Obviously this information was quite disheartening. How is it that the manufacturer of such a fine product could have lied to us in such a flagrant way? Did they not realize that a simple search of the internet would reveal their horrible falsehoods? The only logical conclusion was that they were misled by the British, no doubt in an attempt to make the Robert Burnett corporation seem more regal.Although feeling somewhat betrayed, I was not willing to give up. I needed to find out if Sir Robert Burnett actually existed. So I did what anyone in my position would have done. I signed up for a shady, temporary account at Ancestry.com.

Here is what my search revealed.

(All citations from the Times of London)
On June 2nd 1790. Robert Burnett Esq served as a steward at something called the “Constitutional Society.” This society was celebrating “His Majesty’s birthday.” Tickets for this event were 5 “s”. I have no idea what denomination of money “s” is (shilling, sterling?) nor do I have any frame of reference to indicate whether 5 of them is dirt-cheap. What we do know is that the announcement makes reference to wine being included in the price- presumably gin was an extra cost.

In October of 1795 Sir Robert Burnett is given some kind of congratulation from the mayor of London for being the Sheriff of Middlefex…and treating his prisoners well. Although I was quite disappointed to find out that Robert Burnett was not the mayor himself, a sheriff is more or less as amusing.

Do you remember Robert Burnett Esq? Well, we find out that he is the oldest son of Sir Robert Burnett, and in joyous occasion for the Burnett family is married in 1795.

I have absolutely no idea what this means. It seems to indicate that Robert Burnett the junior has been given some kind of Lord status over a county of some sort. Although I am happy to see that the Burnett family is doing so well, I am disappointed that so far the only reference to spirituous beverages has been wine served at a constitutional society dinner.

In the late 1790’s England was attempting to militarize in preparation to fend off that little bastard Napoleon. It would seem that Sir Robert Burnett the senior and Robert Burnett Esq played a substantial role in recruitment into the armed forces. Here is a printed speech Sir Robert Burnett gave congratulating his wife and several other women for their recruitment efforts.

Here is the one we have all been waiting for. Some rough son of a bitch named Stack is apparently accused of forging a will of some fellow from the East India Company. Stack claims he is innocent, and that the other accused, a shady individual named Blakely (who had several aliases) forged the will in an attempt to pay of a debt to Stack. It is unclear what actually happened but it seems that a bar tab might have been involved.

Regardless, Robert Burnett comes to testify on the behalf of Stack, who apparently owned (owns?) a bar. And guess who one of his liquor distributors was? None other than Robert Burnett. We now know that Robert Burnett not only existed, but primary sources put him as a distributor of liquors. I am fairly certain that, in the 18th century, when you were selling liquor to “public houses” you were not simply a middleman, you were producing the stuff. Now we are talking.

Although the Burnett family pops up several more times, this is the final entry I am going to give you. In 1819 Sir Robert Burnett has passed away and his estate is being leased. This is the advertisement. As least it can be said that while he lived, he lived well.

To summarize, we now know that

  • Robert Burnett Jr. and Sir Robert Burnett were active in politics, however neither were mayor of London.
  • The Burnett family was very active in military recruitment
  • Most importantly, that the Burnett family dealt in liquors.
  • Finally, Sir Robert Burnett had a pretty damn nice estate.

Unfortunately, none of my research resulted in specific reference to gin. This is primarily due to the fact that the only available source to me was the Times of London, although there might have been advertisements for Burnett’s Gin in the Times, they did not come through on the search. Someone with more experience in alcohol oriented history could possibly do better.

When contacted, Heaven Hill Distilleries did not respond to allegations that their history of Robert Burnett was inaccurate.

As a final note, when calling Ancestry.com to cancel my trial membership I was asked why I no longer wanted the service. Not wanting to say: "because it costs 100 dollars," I simply informed the fellow that it didn't suit my needs. When asked what those needs were, I politely informed him that I was doing research on important historical figures as they relate to my company- Ginandtacos.com.

Ginandtacos.com: Heading face first into the Ginaissance.



When I was 16 I got my first proper job. I got the job in the winter at a shop that sold Outdoor clothing and ski equipment, which, as summer rolled around quickly became an outlet for patio furniture and home gyms. It was at this job that I first became fully acquainted with the concept of the "lunch break." Back in Des Moines, Iowa, we had a chain of fast food taco establishments known as Taco John's. One of these purveyors of fine Mexican food at a fair price happened to be a block away from where I worked. This, of course, resulted in many a taco consumed on breaks. My life, unbeknownst to me, was about to change- a friend of mine found employment at a Taco John's across town. The first day our work hours overlapped, I decided to drive to his Taco John's instead of the one nearby. I returned to work nearly an hour later with a huge bag full of overflowing "custom" fast food tacos at a heavily discounted price. When my boss began yelling at me for taking such a massive quantity of time for lunch, I calmly explained to him that my friend worked at the Taco John's across town and gave me a large discount…and would he like a Taco? He proceeded to eat the taco and never question my lunchtime outings again.

Brian Hannan eventually quit that job (as a result of an increasing quantity of nausea in him and his friends from the constant taco smell on his person) but the memories of discounted tacos live on…that’s right Brian, if you actually read this, I am talking about you.

Fast forward to the Christmas season of 1999. I was drunk at my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary party in Tucson, Arizona.
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(For all of you who know the story, yes it was the one where I tried to urinate out the patio door in my parents’ room in the condo where we were staying and needed to be led to the toilet by my mother) I was approached by two other college students who spent far too much time working on their websites and far too little time working on their schoolwork. The concept was that we could increase our procrastination threshold, and celebrate "Gin and Tacos"- two things that the three of us held dear in our hearts. Thus, Ginandtacos.com was born.

Five and a half years later, we at the Ginandtacos.com Corporation have noticed that our attention to Gin and Taco related content has begun to wane. Aside from the ever popular Gin Reviews and the always insightful Taco Doctor there seems as though we have been lax in our duty to provide the viewing public with all their gin and tacos oriented needs.

We at Ginandtacos.com believe that the time has come, and hence we bring you…..

THE GINAISSANCE!

That’s right, starting on Monday the 9th of May Ginandtacos.com will post a weeks work of daily Gin and Taco oriented content. I hope you all enjoy it as much as we do.
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In the meantime, I encourage all of you to share your favorite gin and or taco oriented memory.


Gee, I am sure glad they cleared that one up.

In case anyone was curious, or perhaps in doubt, it would seem that a new study confirms that a vast majority of university faculty claim to be "liberal."

In case you needed proof

Robert Lichter, a professor at George Mason University and a co-author of the study apparently find most shocking the fact that there is not a single discipline at the Univeristy level which can boast a majority of conservatives.

Apparently, now hold your breath because this is really going to come as a shock to you, Literature and Philosophy faculty were…..the most liberal.


Oh, and another point, the better the university, the more liberal its faculty is. This is um…well…not actually all that interesting.