WELL, THERE'S A HALF HOUR I CAN'T GET BACK

I have wasted the overwhelming majority of my life, but I'm fairly certain that no portion of it was more thoroughly wasted than the 30 minutes I just spent watching Our President's press conference on The New Way Forward (tm) in Iraq.

Never have I seen someone look more desperate and clueless, nor have I heard anyone say less with so many words. That felt like an episode of Max Headroom – random phrases combined with epileptic, disconnected delivery.

"New Way Forward" and "we won't retreat" and "bipartisanship" and "extremism will not win" and "sectarian violence" and "surge" and every other random catchphrase you could imagine jammed into every answer, irrespective of the question. He even repeated that ol' chestnut about how we all need to shop more to help the economy. What in god's name that had to do with anything, I cannot say.

A quick summation and translation: "I have absolutely no fuckin' idea what to do. If I dove headlong into this situation without a plan, why would you think I'm capable of devising one now? So we're just gonna stay the course, lose, and then blame it on the Democrats. Like Vietnam! We only lost that war because the liberals made us quit! I tell ya….10, 15 more years and we woulda won that sumabitch!"

Carry on with your day. I will stay awake an extra 30 minutes tonight to compensate for the void in the space-time contiuum that I just exited.

I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN HANDLE ALL THIS "PROGRESS"

It may not be progress, but at least it's progressive. A progressive increase, that is.

iraq_gao_big.jpg

I'm so fuckin' tired of all these people who are embarassed because of how loudly they proclaimed this war was a good idea in 2002 (i.e. It will only take 6 weeks, they will hail us as liberators, etc).

Now they're SO desperate for some rational cover that they keep seizing upon these "turning points" that supposedly beckon the end of the insurgency.

Remember when Hussein was captured? That was going to cause all his former supporters to realize the futility of further resistance and lay down their arms.

Remember when Iraq held elections? That was the nail of democracy into the insurgents' heart.
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Remember when Zarqawi was killed? That was the great tactical blow that severed the insurgency's alleged command-and-control.
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There is no "turning point" and there is no end. It gets worse and worse every goddamn day. I have very little aside from pure spite for all these people (in the media, in the neocon right, and in the voting public) who in the past two years suddenly decided that they dislike George Bush and that Iraq is a disaster.

You voted for the guy (probably twice) and you jumped on the We <3 War bandwagon without the slightest bit of thought in 2002. You were wrong and now a lot of people are dead. It's entirely your fault. I know you won't learn from this, and I know that next time we come to a similar situation you'll flap your gums and bang the drum just as loudly irrespective of the fact that you were wrong about absolutely everything in Iraq. But in the meantime, the least you could do is show a tiny shred of humility and spare us from being expected to entertain your guilt-driven fantasy rationalizations about how the insurgency is just about to collapse.

In closing, fuck you.

Sincerely,
Ed

THIS IS A GOOD SIGN, RIGHT?

I think the best indicator that a fledgling nation is successfully marching toward stable democracy is when the Red Cross throws in the towel.

True, the ICRC may have operated in Somalia, Rwanda, Bosnia, and every other hellish collapsing nation of the past 100 years.
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But packing up and leaving Baghdad is nothing less than an endorsement – clearly the reason they are evacuating is that there is no more work for them to do. The Iraqi government has "stood up," so now international aid agencies can "stand down.
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"

The President was right.

Mea culpa

To prove how wrong I have been about Genesis' greatness, I humbly submit the video for "Illegal Alien":

Yes, it's exactly what you think it is: Phil Collins in a Dirty Sanchez mustache singing in faux-broken English about trying to sneak across the US-Mexican border. Neither your eyes nor your ears deceive you.

Listen to those ultra-realistic coffee-can drum samples!

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BROTHERS, SISTERS, COME TOGETHER!

Posting about Genesis had two unexpected side-effects: arousing controversy and bringing Erik Martin out of a year-long posting hibernation.
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I am therefore not sorry for having posted about Genesis nor for pointing out how much they blow.

But I have an aversion to dissention. I wish to bring different peoples together in harmony. That is why I am now posting a video of Heino, the German version of….
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well, I'm not sure there is anything comparable in any other culture.

It is like a David Hasselhoff song, only much worse.
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Unless it is an elaborate joke that I just don't get.

Really?




I honestly don't know anymore what I enjoy ironically or not. I can say that I have spent untold number of dollars playing this song on internet Jukeboxes while enebriated.
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It tends to put a smile on my face.

Also, at one point in time I purchased a copy of "Foxtrot" because I was informed that Genesis with Peter Gabriel was "good." That was not true.

INVISIBLE (BAD) TOUCH

A student showed up to my final exam wearing a Genesis t-shirt, and he was wearing it non-ironically.
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The man really likes Genesis.

This floored me for several reasons. First, Genesis may be the worst band in the history of our species. It sounds like synth-pop sung by eunuchs. Second, I cannot recall having met someone who honestly liked Genesis with no irony or winking in at least 15 years. I am fairly certain that when I was in grade school, someone probably expressed a fondness for them.
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But that was long ago. Lastly, and most importantly, of the people remaining on Earth who like Genesis I was all but certain than none were under 40 as of 2006. The student in question appeared to be about 20.

This is all deeply troubling.

I didn't dare ask how much he liked Rush, mostly because I feared the answer that I knew would follow. How does a young person in this day and age, with a world of music at the end of his DSL connection, go so horribly astray?
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Perhaps I should call a social worker and report this young man as a victim of childhood musical abuse. Whichever parent exposed him to this stuff should be reprimanded harshly.

PINOCHET: DEAD. GOD: "SORRY IT TOOK ME SO LONG."

Dear humanity,

I am happy to report that I smote General Pinochet's blackened soul today at the age of 91. I sincerely apologize for not getting around to this 45 years ago. Similar lapses in judgment will not happen in the future.

Regards,
Your Lord

Pinochet.jpg

Seriously, if you want to begin to grasp why US foreign policy is so fucked up and why everyone seems to hate us, sit back for a minute and realize that we not only engineered the coup to put this cocksucker in office but we were subsequently his biggest ally. We spent the entire Cold War failing to see the distinction between Democracy and Anti-Communism, preaching the former but always settling for the latter.

NO POLITICS FRIDAY, VOL. 2

So there's apparently a new show on Discovery called "Man vs. Wild." There are so many things wrong with it that I hardly know where to begin.

The show is hosted by some testosterone experiment gone wrong named "Bear Grylls." First of all, that is the worst fake name this side of Vin Diesel. Second of all, he is pretty much a complete ass pirate. I can only hope that some tragic accident will befall him and preclude this show from returning for a second season.

The premise of the show is that Mr.

Grylls indulges a lot of puerile, 13 year old GI Joe fantasies by using MacGyver/Boy Scout-esque "survival" techniques to "conquer" and otherwise quasi-sexually dominate nature. You know, crap like starting fires by rubbing sticks together, trapping wild animals, making elaborate contraptions out of twigs, and of course eating raw insects. It is essentially the most asinine thing ever.

Not only is it not very entertaining, but he does the world a disservice by perpetuating the myth that one "prepares" for outdoor adventures by learning arcane tricks that are almost certain to result in your death in an emergency situation. Now I am in no way a master outdoorsman, but I have learned quite a bit in my occasional forays into undeveloped North America. Therefore, in an effort to combat the harm Mr. Grylls' idiocy has done to public awareness, I have prepared a short quiz:

1. How do you start a fire when stranded outdoors?

  • A: Using the cheap, disposable lighter you were smart enough to bring.
  • B: Rubbing twigs together for 3 hours

    2. On a mountain-climbing trip, you and your group become stranded in a harsh winter storm.
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    How do you signal for help?

  • A: Call the state police on your cell/Sat phone.
  • B: Make smoke signals that no one will ever see

    3. What is the rule for identifying edible (i.e. non-poisonous) leaves and tree fruits?

  • A: What the fuck are eating leaves for? Eat the food you were smart enough to bring with you.
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    What kind of idiot goes hiking without food?

  • B: Leaves of three, let it be!

    4. If you are lost in a deserted area, how do you find your way back out?

  • A: Using the GPS unit you wisely invested 0 in before heading out into Middle of Nowhere, Alaska.

    Or, failing that, a 99-cent compass and a map. Dumbass.

  • B: Identifying the constellations and finding the Osiris star cluster.
  • I hope this has been informative.