GIN AND TACOS

We have a strong front-runner for the 2006 Ginandtacos Cocksucker of the Year.

In fact, if someone else manages to out-suck Joe in the next 4 months we may need to invent a special lifetime achievement award for him.

The best thing about this fiasco is that the White House and Republican Party are scolding the Democrats left and right. That's all you need to know to understand why Lieberman lost to a nobody. The sight of Bill O'Reilly moralizing…Shame on you, America, for voting this poor, dedicated civil servant out of office! Why on Earth would you want to get rid of this man who just happens to agree with President Bush on just about every issue?

It's so nice to see the GOP rush to the defense of "good" Democrats, i.e. the ones that are indistinguishable from Republicans. Thanks for your concern, guys. Really. And as for Lieberman's rationale behind his defeat – "extremists" have taken over the party – well, if voters who demand that the party in opposition show at least a slight differentiation from the GOP are "extremists" then I guess he has a point.

Asshole.

Rather than accept his primary defeat as a sign of voters having exercised their will against Uncle Joe's blank-check support of the Iraq War, the cocksucker's sense of entitlement is such that he's insisting on running as an independent.

Why? Because he can win the general election by getting Republicans to vote for him. How? Because he acts exactly like a Republican and allows the GOP members to use him (since Zell Miller's retirement, of course) as a form of tokenism. See? Look how tolerant we are! We like some Democrats! Like this Lieberman fellow, the one who is to the right of a lot of Republicans on most issues….we really like him!

Congratulations, Joe. You are to the GOP what his or her one black friend is to every suburbanite in America. And if the Republican Party isn't smart enough to read these tea leaves correctly – that the next few months are going to be real, real tough on out-of-touch reactionaries who support the hell out of a war that the entire public is sick of – then they deserve to be blindsided in November.

PS – No, really. Fuck you, Joe.

Wow. I didn't know anything about the founder of Girls Gone Wild before I read this piece in the LA Times, but…..in a way, I knew all of this without having to read it.

Tell me which of the characteristics of a psychopathic personality disorder do not apply to this man.

It's all there – pathological lying, crippling self-loathing combined with raging narcissism, seductive charm paired with violent rage, an inability to take responsibility for his actions, and the baseless perception that his own bizarre, frightening behavior is appropriate.

I think Mr. Joe Francis is a dissertation waiting to happen for some budding criminal psychologists out there.

Remember then all those whiny, hysterical PC liberals said that Mel Gibson's Passion of the Christ represented anti-Semitic thinking on the part of its director (and his Holocaust-denying father)?

Boy were they wrong. It appears that the Road Warrior's heart is clean of any hateful thoughts toward the Sons of Israel after all.

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Phew.

America: No shit.

That's really surprising. If you want to shock the shit out of me, tell me one of the Backstreet Boys is straight.

Item #1: Burger King now offers a sandwich called the Stacker which proudly proclaims "No Veggies Allowed." The sandwich features 4 beef patties, 4 slices of cheese, 8 strips of bacon, and something called "Stackers Sauce." The nutritional payload? 1000 calories, 68g of fat, 240mg cholesterol, and 1800mg of sodium. Combined with a large fries, this "meal" more than doubles the RDA of every dangerous dietary component known to man.

Note the "Make it Beef" logo. Catchy slogan, guys. Catchy.

Item #2: Hardee's now offers the Philly Cheesesteak Thickburger – essentially a giant cheeseburger with a pile of sliced beef, cheese, and sauces on top of the beef patty. The damage? 930 calories, 63g fat, 135mg cholesterol, and 1750mg sodium.
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Fortunately for Hardee's patrons, this new sandwich is practically diet food compared to the nearly-incomprehensible Monster Thickburger (1410 calories, 107g fat (!!!), 229mg cholesterol, 2740mg sodium).

Yeah, that looks tasty

Item #3: Massachusetts surgeons and medical researchers announce that an increasing number of Americans are far too fat to fit in MRI tubes or yield adequate x-rays and ultrasounds. GE and other manufacturers are set to reap windfall profits by selling new multi-million dollar MRI machines to hospitals under the guise that the new machines are better for claustrophobes.
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If, of course, by "claustrophobes" you mean morbidly obese people.

Remember, these three news items are of interest individually but in no way related to one another.

I've been waiting four years, but on August 21 the world finally gets a new Giddy Motors album. Posthumously, of course. We all know that no British band can possibly stay together for more than two albums.

Listen to the single "Early Morning Pipe" (choose "new & forthcoming" on the pull-down audio menu, top right). Might want to have a change of underwear handy.

I have already made it perfectly clear that I don't "get" soccer.

Much is made of how it is the world sport and apparently we Americans are the odd ones for not getting it. Uncivilized boors like us can only watch sports with violence, constant scoring, or steroidal freaks hitting a ball 700 feet.
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Blah, blah, blah.

Bullshit. We hate soccer because we have thumbs. Opposable thumbs. We realize this and we take advantage of it by doing things like "picking up," "throwing," or otherwise manually manipulating objects. And yes, we're guilty of demanding more action out of our sports. For some reason we just don't find 120 minutes of 0-0 action followed by penalty kicks to be exciting. Yeah, and we're messed up? Who the hell finds that entertaining? But I digress.

Every time I find myself watching soccer I can't help but wonder how in God's name a fan can possibly take it seriously with the amount of diving, method-acting, and exaggeration the players do. It's a small step away from pro wrestling – a very small step.

I don't think I saw one World Cup game (and living among soccer fanatics, I saw about 75% of them) that didn't feature:

1. Player One slide-tackles Player Two, making minor leg-to-leg contact

2. Player Two goes limp and crumples to the turf in a near-perfect (and no doubt well-rehearsed) re-enactment of Frame 323 of the Zapruder film

3. Player Two grabs his calf/shin/ankle and makes a grimacing face as though he is attempting to defecate a shattered beer bottle

4. Player One throws up his arms, gesturing a combination of "I'm innocent" and "This man is an enormous vagina" to the crowd, followed by "Surely you aren't buying this horseshit" to the ref (who is always from a neutral yet vaguely dislikeable country, usually Argentina)

5. A team of doctors rush over to Player Two with a stretcher, neck brace, donor kidney, gas cromatograph, and the Jaws of Life.

6. After carrying Player Two off the field on said stretcher, he waits until the crowd's attention is diverted back to the game before getting up, walking it off for about 10 feet, and then "heroically" re-joining the action moments after his near-crippling injury.
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Charlatanism – and not even very good charlatanism (click for a wonderful video example). I hate to go all neocon on the rest of the world, but I think America should continue to act unilaterally against the global community on this one. Soccer is retarded.