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This exists (Note: Work-safe). They seem to focus very heavily on dogs, but let us assume that many of their tips are also applicable to fucking pigs, small game, domesticated llamas, the ring-tailed lemur, and the North Chilean Guanaco (closely related to the llama).

This past weekend the mighty TremFu ventured to Fort Wayne, Indiana at the request of some (new) acquaintances who apparently wanted to inject some rock into their lives. It was not until we arrived that I found out we were playing at a bar called the Brass Rail. Our Chicago and Champaign-Urbana readers are well aware that there is also a Brass Rail in downtown Champaign.

Two thoughts, one considerably less plausible than the other, entered my mind at this point. I considered the possibility that Brass Rail is some sort of chain-franchise operation that licenses dingy bars serving a mixed clientele of drunken hillbillies and college hipsters. Then I wised up and realized it's probably just a coincidence. Nevertheless, the extent to which Brass Rail-Fort Wayne is almost identical to Brass Rail-Champaign was hard to ignore.

Is the name some sort of reference that I'm not getting? What is it about the name "Brass Rail" that lends itself to PBR, $5 pitchers, and creepy old alcoholic men leering at 22 year old rockabilly girls? I urge our readers to report any other Brass Rails of which they are aware. This merits further study. (Note: there are Brass Rails in San Diego and Minneapolis, both of which are gay bars, and one in San Francisco that is a strip joint. I'm confused.)

In any case, Fort Wayne surprised me. Not an altogether bad place, contrary to my expectations. Good people, (at least) one good bar, and a lot of enormous apartment houses that look like Victorian castles. And an Arby's that never closes. Thanks to the Twin Rays, All Nite Skate (our hosts), and Michigan-based Lone Wolf & Cub. And Omar's pregnant cat…..what the hell was its name? Something horrible. He introduced it as "This is my cat _____. That is the worst cat name ever." Someone help me out or this is going to drive me crazy.

All men are genetically programmed to get a thrill out of seeing how far below the "E" their car's gas needle can go before re-fueling. We feel some small measure of victory when we pull into work in the morning with the "low fuel" light on and then drive home at the end of the day without having addressed this earnest warning. I'm starting to think the Democratic party is made up entirely of men who are operating it on the same principle.

One of my favorite websites is PollingReport.com. Not because its polls are reliable or especially accurate, but mostly because it's entertaining. Its hypotheticals are the political junkie's equivalent of sitting around a bar talking about who would win a game between the 1927 Yankees and the 2004 Red Sox.

They have a section devoted to 2008 Presidential Election preference polls conducted by various media and dedicated polling organizations. I find the sum of it to be unbearably depressing. This is best explained by way of examples. The following poll is representative of the standard Democratic Primary line of questioning:

"I know it is early, but if the Democratic primary for president were held today, which of the following would you support for the Democratic nomination for president? . . . " (Ipsos-Public Affairs poll. Dec. 17-19, 2004. Nationwide.)

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton 33

Senator John Kerry 19

Senator John Edwards 15

Retired General Wesley Clark 11

Governor Bill Richardson 3

Senator Evan Bayh 2

Senator Russ Feingold 1

Governor Tom Vilsack 1

Governor Mark Warner 0

Other (vol.) 3

Unsure 9

That rotating sound you hear is William Jennings Bryan rolling over in his grave. Even Mondale and Dukakis are probably shitting themselves laughing.
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Is this it? Is this really the best of what they have to offer? An intolerable bitch who used to be First Lady and three losers from the 2004 race (followed by the usual smattering of Governors that no one knows). Great. Good luck with that.

The only person on this list who is electable is Bill Richardson.

Of the established veterans, he is the current highlight of the Democratic party.
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But of course he'll be outspent about a billion-to-one in the early primaries by Hillary and won't amount to anything as a candidate. For shame. Richardson is one of the Clinton acolytes who actually understands the idea of expressing a vision and projecting confidence.

In the late 1990s, after the 1996 election fiasco and the failed impeachment witch-hunt, the Republican party set itself up for success by flushing itself of its old, stale faces – Dole, Gingrich, Kemp, etc – and handing things over to a new generation. The Democrats seem unwilling or unable to do so right now. You know a party is in really bad shape when two guys who have been in Congress for about five fuckin' minutes (Barack Obama and Harold Ford) are the best thing they have to offer. But that's reality, and they'd be smarter to deal with it rather than put off rebuilding for four more years while the Ghosts of Elections Past take one more lap around the track.

Now folks, I'm no libertarian. I also do not lie awake at night fuming about property taxes, government spending, and the inheritance tax exemption threshold. But the 2005 Federal Highway Spending Bill is enough to finally put me and the Cato Institute on the same page for once.

Not only does the bill waddle in at a staggering (if not incomprehensible) 6,000,000,000 but it contains 6,371 individual entitlement projects – pork barrel projects for individual Congressional districts.
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In comparison, the original Interstate Highway Act signed by Dwight Eisenhower contained two. In the 1987 bill there were 152.

Some of my personal favorites include:

Nothing makes one feel more empty, soulless, and already dead quite like the new Hollywood trend of re-making anything and everything.
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It's depressing enough when they crank out original dreck (Collateral, Wedding Crashers); offering big screen versions of old sitcoms (Charlie's Angels, Dukes of Hazzard, the Mod Squad, etc etc ad infinitum) and old stories (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Peter Pan) adds insult to injury.

Let's be honest – it can't be that hard to write a script for a new, original, and horrendous movie that will rocket straight to #1 at the box office. What, like it took a convention of the world's ten greatest living authors to crank out Must Love Dogs or Men in Black? Yet no matter how simple the "let's make a Vin Diesel movie that will break 0 million" formula is, Hollywood still strains under the weight of the artistic burden.
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So they steal. They re-make. They sequel. They Adapt Things for the Big Screen. Video games, Disneyland rides, comics, TV, pop fiction novels, Shakespeare….if it's not bolted to the ground, they'll take it and make a movie out of it.

With one old piece of classic fiction currently wallowing in the top 10 among current releases (War of the Worlds) it's only fitting that we predict classic literature to be the next area strip-mined for ideas that these people are entirely too stupid to think of on their own. Lots of classics already have older film versions – so what? Make'em again.

Lest you think I'm pulling this out of my ass, I submit: Robert Zemeckis and Roger Avary are producing a big-screen version of Beowulf. Yes, Beowulf. Beo-fucking-wulf. The very same one you nearly jammed two pencils up your nostrils while trying to read in high school. The same one that is barely readable and details a story that really isn't even mildly exciting.

I can think of no adjectives in English to describe how tired, pathetic, desperate, and intellectually retarded the people running these studios must be if they're digging up Beowulf for Next Summer's Action Blockbuster.
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Charlie's Angels 3 would be dignified in comparison. Then again, so would Carrot Top Presents: 90 Minutes of Fart Noises and Blows to the Groin.

I would like to apologize to whatever readers ginandtacos.
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com may have remaining at this point. mike is missing and presumed dead; Erik Martin is missing and presumed biking.

Well this has to be my favorite news item of the year so far. A few days ago, eagle-eyed observers noticed that a certain quote from an "Iraqi citizen who preferred not to be identified" in an Army press release sounded an awful lot like a quote from an earlier press release. Today, the military has issued an apology for this "administrative error."

More of the liberal media picking on the poor military-industrial complex? You decide. Here's a quote from an anonymous Iraqi citizen in a July 13 press release:

'The terrorists are attacking the infrastructure, the children and all of Iraq,' said one Iraqi man who preferred not to be identified. 'They are enemies of humanity without religion or any sort of ethics. They have attacked my community today and I will now take the fight to the terrorists.

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'

Stirring. Truly stirring. Now, a quote from another anonymous Iraqi on Sunday, July 24:

'The terrorists are attacking the infrastructure, the ISF and all of Iraq. They are enemies of humanity without religion or any sort of ethics. They have attacked my community today and I will now take the fight to the terrorists,' said one Iraqi man who preferred not to be identified.

Well, that should put to rest any concerns you might have about the veracity of military media output. Like any advertising firm or magazine, the Army has a bunch of poorly-paid college kids (does the military have interns?) sitting around churning out boilerplate "stock footage", if you will, to perk up the daily body count.

I applaud the military for its efficiency – thanks for recycling, guys!

– but condemn its lack of creativity.
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If you're gonna make shit up, go nuts. Ginandtacos recommends the following (attn: military – feel free to use these!
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)

At the scene of the bombing, an Iraqi citizen who asked to remain anonymous said "I detest this insurgent violence and eagerly await the day when the might of the American armed forces can help me, a newly-converted Evangelical Christian, rid the world of the brown Islamic horde."

"Poorly aimed airstrikes demolished my home and killed 6 of my children, but I'm happy to pay this price to rid my neighborhood of insurgents and make it safe for multinational investors" shouted one man from the assembled crowd.

In the line of hundreds – maybe thousands – of Iraqi men clamoring to join the Iraqi Defense Force, one man who preferred to remain anonymous said "The only honor greater than this was getting to meet Triple H and Kid Rock on the USO tour."

As they fled the scene of their bloody attack, an insurgent shouted "My murderous actions would be impossible without the liberal American media and their allies in public Universities. Allah is great."

Concerned Iraqi citizens shouted, "The bloodshed will not end until Judge Janice Rogers Brown gets an up-or-down vote in the Senate."

Man, maybe I missed my calling.

Hey, kids! Want to have some fun learning neat things about your hometown and the surrounding area?

Well check out the Superfund EnviroMapper. Combined with a quick perusal of the NPL (National Priorities List, or the sites that are actually causing legally-actionable human illness and can't be ignored any longer) you can find all the best spots for contracting thyroid cancer in your neighborhood.

Superfund is, of course, the government agency set up in the wake of Love Canal to clean up some of the thousands of toxic, carcinogenic chemical waste sites left over by the glories of unregulated capitalism. Yes, it's badly under-funded and has been trying to clean up some sites since the early Reagan years, but money's tight. It's the thought that counts anyway, right?
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I'll leave you with a fun fact – the entire cost of every program conducted by Superfund in its 25 year history has been about billion….
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about 25% of the amount allocated in the 2006 budget for military "development and evaluation" of new weapons systems.

I'll assume that, like me, you're more than a little surprised that John Roberts Jr. has been selected to replace Sandra Day O'Connor on the US Supreme Court. Under the circumstances – those being a Republican Senate, Republican House, Republican President, and wave of irrational jingoism that has engulfed the general public – Roberts is basically as good as it gets for liberals.

Is he a moderate? Not really. Is he a liberal? Of course not. But given Bush's modus operandi for the past five years, we should all calmly realize how much worse this could be. Roberts is not a member of a creepy religious sect (unlike favorite ginandtacos.

com whipping-boy Sen. Sam Brownback, who lives in a place called Ivanwald – which, aside from sounding like a concentration camp, is a male-only compound run by a subsect of Opus Dei). He lacks the neo-conservative jihad attitude that threatens to turn the Constitution into toilet paper. He has a far better understanding of the relationship between the law and average citizens than Robert "There is no such thing as a right to privacy" Bork and the like. He's never worked for a lobbying firm, corporation, or trade group. He has referred to Roe v. Wade as a legal precedent he is willing to respect. Face it, Bush isn't going to appoint Gloria Steinem.
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Under the circumstances, Roberts is more than palatable.

Democrats will kick Roberts' tires and make a big show out of confirming him grudgingly, but confirm him they will.
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It would require a nominee far, far more insane than Roberts for the Democrats to successfully bear the brunt of a year-long shitstorm of bad publicity while delaying the proceedings.

So what gives? Allow me to enlighten you for a moment.

The rush of wind you feel right now is every incumbent GOP Senator north of the Mason-Dixon exhaling (with RNC Chair Ed Gillespie chiming in). On the heels of the vehemently unpopular Terri Schiavo pandering by the GOP, the last thing the party could have tolerated was Bush forcing the issue on a lunatic-fringe Court nominee. Simply put, 2006 Republican Senate candidates in "blue states" or moderate Mid-America are already going to have the fight of their lives to get re-elected. To further burden them with a forced yes-vote on someone like William Pryor would be a death sentence for many. The Lincoln Chaffees and Rick Santorums of the world might as well post their resumes on Monster.com right now if that were to happen. So, first and foremost, the Roberts choice takes the 2006 race for control of Congress very strongly into account.

Secondly, it is believed that William Rehnquist is not going to last 4 more years. He's going to try, god bless him, but his health is so fragile that Bush can realisitically expect to have a second appointment before his term expires. By appointing Roberts now, he has created a situation in which he "has to" appoint a female to replace Rehnquist. He will argue that the 8-1 male superiority on the Court must be remedied when he appoints his old back-slapping Texas buddies (not to mention totally unqualified ideologues) Priscilla Owen or Janice Rogers Brown to replace ol' Cancer Bill. By appointing a sorta-moderate male now, he will place significant pressure on the Senate to confirm a conservative lunatic female in the future. After the 2006 elections, of course.

The one pitfall in this plan is the prospect that Rehnquist will refuse to die. He is more than adamant that he will never retire unless his health prevents him from doing his job. I believe it. He would have retired by now if he planned to do so.

Bush is making a calculated gamble – he feels the odds of the 80 year old chemotherapy patient Chief Justice living until 2009 are slim. He may be right.

If he is, expect the Rehnquist replacement to be a truly appalling, unqualified person whose minority status will guilt the Democrats into confirming her (see also Thomas, Clarence). If Bush is wrong and the old fucker refuses to die, then his legacy on the high court will be nonexistent – Roberts for O'Connor will be, in the longest view, a wash.

I don't know what's better, the idea of getting to be an "apprentice" or the fact that IU has something called a Cyclotron.
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APPRENTICE CYCLOTRON OPERATOR IU Cyclotron Facility (SS0E )
Position#: 00028876 (Second Listing)

The Indiana University Cyclotron Facility is seeking an operator who will learn to tune and run the Cyclotrons. Shift work is required and the person filling this position will work all three shifts on a rotating basis.

Qualifications: Two years post-high school training in electrical, electronics, mechanical, drafting/design, machining, computers, or accelerator operations.

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Experience in an accelerator laboratory or a bachelor’s degree or equivalent in physics or other science is preferred.

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The position will start at the Apprentice level with opportunities for advancement.
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