GINANDTACOS 2007 COCKSUCKER OF THE YEAR: JOE LIEBERMAN

Perfection is a beautiful thing, and the northeastern US seems to be have had a run of it in 2007. They gave us the World Champion Red Sox, the 16-0 Patriots, and the most flawless 12 months of being a cocksucker ever turned in by a public figure. Congratulations, Joe Lieberman. You are the Tom Brady of being a duplicitous, self-important ass clown. It is rare, in the short history of this award, that a year's winner should be so clear-cut. But aside from a brief challenge from General Saint David Petraeus, it was Holy Joe all the way in 07.

Mr. Lieberman's intense hunger for Satan's cock was in no way confined to this calendar year, of course. His transition from mild irritant to full-blown asshole began with his primary defeat in 2006, an event that gave America the phenomenon known as Independent Democrat Joe Lieberman. Then, proving that God truy loathes America, the midterm elections made this condescending waste of flesh the deciding vote in an evenly-split Senate. Oh my, how Joe loved that. The Democratic leadership didn't simply have to put up with his continued presence – they had to suck up to him and bend to his every whim.

Lieberman's cloying, pedantic "bipartisanship" prattle goes a long way towards showing just how far to the right the axis of American political discourse has tilted. Like other "sensible" and "serious" "moderates" like David Brooks, Lieberman's message appears to be "I am a Democrat who just happens to agree with the far right on almost everything, and this proves that I am a better person because I'm so 'open minded' and unrestrained by ideology." Truly did Holy Joe use 2007 to put on a display of collaborationism that would make the Vichy regime – and perhaps even the eponymous Quisling himself – nauseous.

When he wasn't busy endorsing neocon Republican presidential candidates who are too far to the right for their own damn party, Joe was "busy" chairing the Senate Committee on Homeland Security. Since taking that post he has found it necessary to launch exactly zero investigations into the dozens of examples of ineptitude, omissions, and outright criminality of his pals in the White House. He's such a loyal bobblehead for the far right that Bill Kristol thinks he should be the GOP nominee for VP next year. Now that's an endorsement that every self-respecting "independent" and "Democrat" accepts with pride. When he wasn't busy bragging about how goddamn fabulous everything is going in Iraq he was rhetorically cheerleading for the next war of aggression in the Middle East. When he wasn't busy making sure the troops don't get a break between tours of duty in His war, he was attacking the leader of his own party for talking about withdrawl even in the abstract. He found time to host fund raisers for a vulnerable Republican Senator in the upcoming election, but no time to do any actual research about how His strategy is working in Iraq other than to call Petraeus' critics guilty of treason.

Joe Lieberman is what he is. He is the Senator from AIPAC, not Connecticut. He is a strident neoconservative, not an "independent." He is a Republican, not a Democrat. And he is a smug, ingratiating cocksucker, not a noble, above-the-fray Bipartisan. While the DNC is probably hoping that either Holy Joe falls off a tall ladder or that the Party's Senate lead increases enough to make him irrelevant, I see no problem in hoping for both.

DENNIS MILLER: A CASE STUDY IN OPPORTUNISTIC COCKSUCKERY

Congratulations, former comedian Dennis Miller. Your exploits in 2004 have earned you the coveted Ginandtacos.com Prick of the Year award. I never thought the man was a genius, but I found his wit to be a welcome and refreshing change from the bulk of his fellow comedians. His post-SNL career was not exactly illustrious, and he remained a fringe player in the comedy world – respected more than he was enjoyed.

In 2001, Miller jumped at a chance to re-enter the spotlight as a Monday Night Football commentator. Many cried "Sellout!" but I personally found his comments to be a vast improvement over the monosyllabic grunting and Telestrator-scrawling of ex-jocks. However, seeing as how the average American male ain't so good about following compound sentences (let alone historical references) he was a colossal failue, quickly canned and sent back to cable talk show obscurity.

At this point, he could have gracefully exited the spotlight. Surely he had sufficient financial security, and he was certainly well-respected. He could have been the guy that young comedians cite as an influence. He could have been the subject of grand celebrity roasts and tributes befitting retired stars. But apparently ol' Dennis just didn't have enough money.

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"I'm available to do live shows, corporate events, and bukkake."

Instead he underwent a very public political conversion to neoconservatism and positioned his cable show as the right-wing answer to The Daily Show (minus the talent and actual humor). He paraded Republican politicians through his show until even they became so visibly uncomfortable with his fawning verbal hand-jobbing that they stopped showing up. What he failed to realize is that the right-wing nutjob on TV role is already loaded with personalities more caustic and pleasing to the ears of conservative America. A socially liberal ex-progressive from Hollywood is far, far down in the pecking order for your average talk radio fan.

What he thought was a wise, opportunistic attempt to keep raking in the dough and publicity turned him into the Constantine of entertainment – the left loathes him and the right won't take him. Rather than becoming America's new political darling, he's alone on an island, ignored except for the occasional moments in which the public laments how far he's fallen.

Sensing that his jaw could open a little wider to accept another inch or two of Satan's cock, he also decided it would be a good idea to do some Net-Zero commercials. He doesn't even need the money, and he's on TV hawking AOL's competition for a few bucks. His twin conversions to product pitchman and right-wing puppet have shown with shocking clarity how one can concoct a career as a social commentator without even the slightest shred of principles or morals.

Finally, it is worth noting that becoming a neocon at 50 is not a conversion, it's a reversion. Becoming a simplistic reactionary is hardly indicative of intellectual and spiritual growth. One does not "see the light" of blaming everything on the foreigners and darkies or of solving problems with physical force. Those are steps backward; a lazy return to the lowest common denominator by a person whose principles were nonexistant or feeble in the first place. Violence, jingoism, racism, fear-mongering, and lobotomized simplicity of worldview are the mental attributes of children and morons, and it can hardly be considered progress for a grown man to revert to seeing the world as the barely-literate do.

So fuck you, Dennis Miller. I hope you choke on every dirty check you get on your knees and suck for on a daily basis. You have conclusively shown that you'd fuck your mother in the ass for $1 or five more minutes in the spotlight. You deserve the ass-clown status to which you have condemned yourself. Ginandtacos.com wishes you the best in your new career as a has-been hooker for sale to the highest bidder, and we hope you die of something that makes it burn when you pee.