DENNIS MILLER: A CASE STUDY IN OPPORTUNISTIC COCKSUCKERY

Posted in Rants on December 31st, 2004 by Ed

Congratulations, former comedian Dennis Miller. Your exploits in 2004 have earned you the coveted Ginandtacos.com Prick of the Year award. I never thought the man was a genius, but I found his wit to be a welcome and refreshing change from the bulk of his fellow comedians. His post-SNL career was not exactly illustrious, and he remained a fringe player in the comedy world – respected more than he was enjoyed.

In 2001, Miller jumped at a chance to re-enter the spotlight as a Monday Night Football commentator. Many cried "Sellout!" but I personally found his comments to be a vast improvement over the monosyllabic grunting and Telestrator-scrawling of ex-jocks. However, seeing as how the average American male ain't so good about following compound sentences (let alone historical references) he was a colossal failue, quickly canned and sent back to cable talk show obscurity.

At this point, he could have gracefully exited the spotlight. Surely he had sufficient financial security, and he was certainly well-respected. He could have been the guy that young comedians cite as an influence. He could have been the subject of grand celebrity roasts and tributes befitting retired stars. But apparently ol' Dennis just didn't have enough money.

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"I'm available to do live shows, corporate events, and bukkake."

Instead he underwent a very public political conversion to neoconservatism and positioned his cable show as the right-wing answer to The Daily Show (minus the talent and actual humor). He paraded Republican politicians through his show until even they became so visibly uncomfortable with his fawning verbal hand-jobbing that they stopped showing up. What he failed to realize is that the right-wing nutjob on TV role is already loaded with personalities more caustic and pleasing to the ears of conservative America. A socially liberal ex-progressive from Hollywood is far, far down in the pecking order for your average talk radio fan.

What he thought was a wise, opportunistic attempt to keep raking in the dough and publicity turned him into the Constantine of entertainment – the left loathes him and the right won't take him. Rather than becoming America's new political darling, he's alone on an island, ignored except for the occasional moments in which the public laments how far he's fallen.

Sensing that his jaw could open a little wider to accept another inch or two of Satan's cock, he also decided it would be a good idea to do some Net-Zero commercials. He doesn't even need the money, and he's on TV hawking AOL's competition for a few bucks. His twin conversions to product pitchman and right-wing puppet have shown with shocking clarity how one can concoct a career as a social commentator without even the slightest shred of principles or morals.

Finally, it is worth noting that becoming a neocon at 50 is not a conversion, it's a reversion. Becoming a simplistic reactionary is hardly indicative of intellectual and spiritual growth. One does not "see the light" of blaming everything on the foreigners and darkies or of solving problems with physical force. Those are steps backward; a lazy return to the lowest common denominator by a person whose principles were nonexistant or feeble in the first place. Violence, jingoism, racism, fear-mongering, and lobotomized simplicity of worldview are the mental attributes of children and morons, and it can hardly be considered progress for a grown man to revert to seeing the world as the barely-literate do.

So fuck you, Dennis Miller. I hope you choke on every dirty check you get on your knees and suck for on a daily basis. You have conclusively shown that you'd fuck your mother in the ass for $1 or five more minutes in the spotlight. You deserve the ass-clown status to which you have condemned yourself. Ginandtacos.com wishes you the best in your new career as a has-been hooker for sale to the highest bidder, and we hope you die of something that makes it burn when you pee.

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TAKE THAT, UTILITARIAN PRUDENCE!

Posted in Rants on December 26th, 2004 by Ed

Let's talk about the iPod Mini.

I have about as much use for a portable mp3 player as an asshole on my forehead. Personally, I find the entire market a little ridiculous. The iPod, while functional in theory, is in practice little more than a fashion accessory and status symbol – proving that not only do you (read: your parents) have $299, but that you have another $299 to spend in 12 months when its non-replaceable battery dies. It's not that I think mp3 players don't work or serve a purpose. I just think they're really good at doing a bunch of things I don't care about, and people buy iPods even if they don't even listen to much music simply because everyone else is.

But please, spare me the arguments about the merits of the iPod. I am willing to accept that, just as I spend a lot of money on things that other people would find stupid, others see usefulness in things I consider useless. So be it. To each their own. Additional platitudes here. If you feel that your iPod provides you with utility equal to its cost, then I would be wrong to dispute that.

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The Mini (right) is smaller but retains enough capacity for sorority girls to store all three of their CDs

I have to draw some sort of line with this iPod Mini, though. I really do. It is doing more to please people I dislike than any product in recent memory. Because, really, you have to imagine Steve Jobs, the Apple Marketing Squad, and Lil' Jon (or any other dregs of the music industry) sitting around high-fiving through the cigar smoke every time they sell one of these. "Can you fuckin' believe this, guys? It has one-fifth as much capacity as the regular iPod, but it almost costs the same! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!" Short of robbing you at gunpoint, there's not really much more they could do to so effortlessly take your money. Come on. Three-card Monte dealers have to work harder than this to get people's cash.

Yes, a regular iPod (20gb, 5.6 ounces) is $299, and the Mini (4GB, 3.6 ounces) is $249. Not to mention that Dell's products (rated by PC World as the second-best competitor to the Apples) are $199 and $249 for 5gb and 20gb, respectively.

Basically, Apple's marketing lizards are fucking with you. They just want to see what they can get away with at this point, and you're convincing them that the sky's the limit. They took their profit margins on the regular iPod and quadrupled them by selling you a lesser product for almost as much money. Congratulations! With successful encouragement from holiday shoppers, Apple's next product will be a thin sheet of cardboard with "iPod Super Awesome" written on it, yours for only $149. I only wish that the Mini came with a different color of headphones so that the white wires of traditional iPod owners ("I have lots of money and I am quite urbane") could be differentiated from those who have lots of money but don't enjoy, you know, thinking about stuff before spending it.

WE HAVE A NEW "MOST UNNECESSARY AUTOPSY EVER" TITLE HOLDER!

Posted in Rants on December 15th, 2004 by Ed

In a news development that will come as a shock to absolutely no one, ginandtacos.com patron saint Ol' Dirty Bastard had a whole bunch of blow in his system when he died. This reaffirms the fact that "heart attack" is the celebrity-death code word for "cocaine overdose" (see also James, Rick and Entwistle, John).

As if we needed medical science or some fancy-pants Coroner to tell us Dirty died because he did too many drugs. In light of the overwhelming redundance of this "revelation" ginandtacos.com hereby declares this the Most Unnecessary Autopsy Ever. This decision will come as a disappointment to fans of the current title holder – former Alice in Chains vocalist Layne Staley – but we feel that Dirty has rightfully earned it.


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"Candles red, I have a pair. Burning on the angry chair."

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"White boys cut my toupee."

Mr. Staley had a good, lengthy run in the top spot, and he should be proud of his accomplishments. He will forever be remember for the fact that 99% of the world responded to his death with "That can't be right….I'm pretty sure he died of an overdose like five years ago."

IT WAS WORTH IT JUST TO HEAR TED KOPPEL SAY "DIMEBAG"

Posted in Uncategorized on December 13th, 2004 by Ed

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SO IT'S COME TO THIS

Posted in Rants on December 10th, 2004 by Ed

So, Michael Keaton, this is how it's going to be.

The following is the plot summary for Mr. Keaton's upcoming role in Herbie the Love Bug: Fully Loaded: "The classic white Volkswagen with a knack for helping couples hook up finds itself in the world of NASCAR racing."

What's the matter, Mike? Jack Frost royalties not quite enough to pay the bills these days?

YOU MEAN….HE USED STEROIDS?

Posted in Rants on December 9th, 2004 by Ed


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1989 – Age 25 – 19 Home Runs

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2001 – Age 38 – 73 Home Runs

I love how this whole thing simply confirms that the American public is incapable of understanding or accepting anything until it's spelled out, printed in 48-point font, repeated to them daily for a couple years, and accompanied by fingerprints and a signed confession.

There are three kinds of people in this world:

1. The kind who look at a hot stove and know not to touch it
2. The kind who look at a hot stove, call you a pussy for being afraid to touch it, and then look sincerely shocked when they get hurt.
3. The kind who touch it over and over and over, thinking "well it burned me last time but maybe this time it won't!"

The first kind make the world a pleasant place. The last kind are too stupid to cause problems for anyone but themselves. It's the second that cause all the problems, because they have to – oh, just for example – see a couple thousand dead bodies in another country before they start to understand that starting a war has consequences. The only thing worse than having to listen to their chorus of "NUH-UH! YOU CAN'T PROVE THAT! HOW DO YOU KNOW? HUH? HUH?" is having to listen to their bullshit indignation after reality becomes too patently obvious for their pea-sized brains to ignore any longer.

God bless America, the land of the complete inability to deductively reason.

RELIGIOUS CONSERVATIVES: THEY MUST BE REAL, BECAUSE I COULDN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP

Posted in Rants on December 8th, 2004 by Ed

I would kill to be clever enough to make this shit up. But I can't, so please read this carefully with the reassuring knowledge that it is not some horrible, horrible dream.

On October 6, Sen. Charles Grassley (R-IA) quoted an Associated Press story on his website under the title "Tax Cutter in Chief." What a snappy title! Here's a quick excerpt.

Bush signs Tax Relief Act
By DAVID PITT Associated Press Writer
The Associated Press
DES MOINES, Iowa

Bush introduced Mike and Sharla Hintz, a couple from Clive, whom he said benefited from his tax plan. Last year, because of the enhanced the child tax credit, they received an extra $1,600 in their tax refund, Bush said. With other tax cuts in the bill, they saved $2,800 on their income taxes.

Mike Hintz, a First Assembly of God youth pastor, said the tax cuts also gave him additional money to use for health care. He said he supports Bush's values. "The American people are starting to see what kind of leader President Bush is. People know where he stands," he said.

"Where we are in this world, with not just the war on terror, but with the war with our culture that's going on, I think we need a man that is going to be in the White House like President Bush, that's going to stand by what he believes."

Pretty standard Happy Horseshit press release, right? Some small-town pastor at a Protestant church supports Bush. Not exactly Pulitzer material. Fast forward to December 7:

Des Moines youth pastor is charged with the sexual exploitation of a child.

"KCCI learned that the married father of four recently turned himself in to Johnston police. Rev. Mike Hintz was fired from the First Assembly of God Church, located at 2725 Merle Hay Road, on Oct. 30. Hintz was the youth pastor there for three years. Police said he started an affair with a 17-year-old in the church youth group this spring."

I'm telling you, people. The louder they yell and the harder they thump the Bible, the more they're hiding. I can only hope and pray that the 17 year old is male. Because really, that would just be the trifecta of conservative hypocrisy: adulterous, homosexual statutory rape.

Damn those terrorists and their insistence upon blowing things up.

Posted in Uncategorized on December 3rd, 2004 by Erik

As people were leaving for a holiday weekend (I am pretty sure this is about every other weekend there) in Madrid, 5 bombs went off. This is your good ol' classic terrorism. The terrorists politely called and informed the police that they were placing bombs in gas stations on highways leading away from Madrid. They even correctly informed the police that the bombs were going to go off at 5:30pm.

Yes, that’s right. The Basque separatists are back to inform the world that there are terrorist groups in places other than the Middle East. Also seemingly showing those Al Qaeda bastards what good gentlemanly terrorism is supposed to look like.

More to the point, I have been listening to conservative pundits this morning informing their elderly am radio listening audience that this should be taking as proof that the Spaniards are idiots. Yes, I know what you are thinking. There is a lot of truth to this statement. On the whole, I think the Spanish are highly untrustworthy (primarily due to several I have had in classes with me, and yes, I am judging an entire nation based upon the actions of three individuals one of whom I later found out was from Argentina- this is not the point). The moral is, people like Roger Hedgecock, (I think) who is guest hosting Rush Limbaugh's show today, has insinuated that this is due to Spain's electoral response to terrorism and their pull or support from Iraq. Clearly this is evidence by the fact that bombs have exploded in Madrid but not New York.

One can only hope this is an opinion only held by the most insane and uninformed of conservatives. I honestly believe that if Mr. Limbaugh himself had been hosting the show he would have shot down callers insinuating this connection. That man isn't quite as insane as people give him credit for.

This whole situation did get me thinking about the stat e of terrorism in the world today. You have the ETA, Hamas, and to a lesser degree anymore the IRA. These groups actually have some kind of nationalist agenda. The ETA and IRA both have publicly denounced terrorist attacks resulting in civilian casualties- claiming said practices are counter productive. The key to these groups is that they actually want something. They consider themselves soldiers for their "nation". Now you look at Al Qaeda. Can someone tell me what the hell these people want?

Is there really anything that we can do other than attempt to kill them all? Is George Bush actually right on this one? I refuse to believe this. Back in high school I remember reading an op ed article relating to terrorism in the UK that postulated the obvious. Terrorism is bred from economic desperation. People with nice houses and large imported cars tend to not want to blow themselves up. Is this just my western bias? I don't know, but my gut instinct is sending our military into the Middle East and making their situation even more desperate is not helping the situation.

Any thoughts?