WELL AT LEAST THEM DAMN QUEERS AIN'T MARRYIN'

America (or, more specifically, Kansas) – the land where banging and marrying a 15 year old is considered morally acceptable while gay marriage remains a vile perversion of God's will.

Let's do a rank-ordering here of the morally preferable relationships.

  • 1. Joyful Christian wedlock (consenting adults)

  • 2. People who hate each other but realize that divorce is a sin
  • 3. People who never liked one another in the first place but felt it was God's will that they marry a co-worker before child-bearing age passed them by
  • 4. Adult marrying a 14-16 year old
  • 5. Arranged marriage
  • 6. Cohabitation with the potential of marriage
  • 7. Cohabitation
  • 8. Pederasty (among the ordained)
  • 9. Pederasty (laymen)
  • 10. Polygamy (a.k.a. "Mormon Hold'em")
  • 11. Marriage to the Sea
  • 12. Necrophilia (with former spouse)
  • 13. Necrophilia (stranger)
  • 14. Beastiality (mammalian)
  • 15. Beastiality (non-mammalian)
  • 16. Necrophiliac beastiality
  • 17. Gay domestic partnership
  • Any questions?

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    4 Responses to “WELL AT LEAST THEM DAMN QUEERS AIN'T MARRYIN'”

    1. erik Says:

      nope, no questions. Seems about right to me.

    2. Liz Says:

      As I've said, I enjoy this post. That said, take it from a hoosier girl:

      "Bestiality" is the correct spelling.

    3. Matt Says:

      Come on, what about necrophilic pederastic bestial polygamy? Otherwise known as marrying a litter of puppies, that you have already drowned.

      There are plenty of other permutations left unexplored.

    4. Jake Says:

      Last on the list is better than not on the list at all.

      We homos have learned to celebrate the little victories.