Despite the vociferous objections of a number of readers, I had quite a bit of fun a few months ago with the All-Time Baseball All-Ugly Team. Today I want to focus on something less offensive but even more puerile. That's right, more puerile. This entry is going to set the record for dick jokes by a long shot. Hey, it's Friday. Let's come together through the medium of penis humor.

Rather than trying to fill out a complete roster as I did with the All-Ugly team, let's yield to the randomness of the distribution of silly names and rank them by awesomeness rather than by position. Without further ado and in no particular order…

1. Johnny Dickshot

This obscure benchwarmer for the 1930s Pittsburgh Pirates achieved immortality through his legendary name. My father's habit of referring to random strangers as Johnny Dickshot, which delighted me to no end as a child, has stuck with me into adulthood.

2. Randor Bierd

They can't all be penis jokes, can they? I think it is only fair to make room for a guy who sounds like an understudy to Vader and Palpatine. If the awesomeness of this name isn't apparent at first glance, say it aloud a few times. I'll wait.

3. Pete LaCock

His name is Spanish for "Pete the Cock." What goes through the head of someone who names their child Peter LaCock?

4. Dick Pole

Oh for christ's sake. This is like shooting fish in a barrel, or at least like spearing them with one's pole. Bonus points for coming up in the minors with the Portland Beavers.

5. Albert Pujols

Note the helpful phonetic pronunciation provided by the Cardinals: "POO-holes." Aside from being, you know, the most dominant hitter since Ted Williams, Pujols is badly underrated in the ridiculous name department. Bonus: Most amazing bootleg t-shirt ever seen for sale outside of a stadium…"Cardinals Take it In the Pujols" with a cartoon bird getting sodomized.

6. Urban Shocker

The idea that there is not a D-list rapper or punk band full of 15 year olds named "Urban Shocker" is baffling. Come to think of it, I should have saved this one for the list of the greatest names of all time. No word if he ever gave anyone the shocker.

7. Jung Bong

"Bong" is one of those words that are just phonetically pleasing. "Bong." There's no way to say that without enjoying it. Bonus points: Braves announcer Skip Caray delighted in this guy's name, frequently noting that opponents were "lighting up Bong" or getting "another hit off Bong." Since he sucked, there was ample opportunity for such humor.

8. Rusty Kuntz

You set 'em up, I'll knock 'em down. He insisted it was pronounced "Koontz" but as you might imagine that did not catch on.

9. Antonio Bastardo

He sounds like a luchador or perhaps a b-squad Batman villain. Either way it's a twofer: fun to say and intrinsically hilarious.

10. Yorman Bazardo

See above, only slightly more like a James Bond henchman.

11. Wonderful Terrific Monds

That's his actual name. Fittingly, he really, really sucked.

So tell me: who am I forgetting?


  • Pete LaCock got his name honestly; his father's name was Pierre LaCock, before he changed it to Peter Marshall and went on to host The Hollywood Squares.

    And now you know… the REST of the story.

  • This is, BY FAR, the best post you have EVER WRITTEN!! (AND I L*O*V*E YOUR political writing!!)

    PLEEZE Do FOOTBALL!! Because I want to revel with you in the name DICK BUTTKISS

  • One should not laugh that hard at 1:36am. Especially when one has a tired, cranky fiance who has been grading shitty papers for the past week next to her. Shit Ed, this blog rocks my face off.

  • I know politics better than baseball, so let's give a tip of the cap to the new President of Nigeria, Goodluck Jonathan.

  • george bent says:

    I STILL don't get 'Randor Bierd"…what am I missing??? Don't let me be the left-out kid in the corner of the playground…more clues or something…I've been saying it aloud till it doesn't make sense anymore!

  • Ahhhh, tommytimp got to the Van Lingle Mungo song before me.
    I'm a Met's fan but I love Bobby Cox. In 2002 there were rumors of rampant pot smoking on the Mets, and there was a picture circulating of Mets player Grant Roberts taking a hit from a bong. Well during a game, when Bong was pitching for Atlanta, and Roberts came up to bat, guess who Bobby Cox put in to pitch in relief. I will never forget watching the grin on Bobby's face.
    Gotta love the name Rocky Cherry?

  • You are a pile of awesome. I read your blog every morning at work and today I laughed so hard I cried. I have to go to a meeting in a few minutes and act professional when all I can think about is Randor Bierd and Rusty Kuntz…

    Oh please do football!! Pretty please?!?

  • You know, if Antonio Bastardo doesn't make the majors for his name alone, I will never again cheer for the Yankees. (Hedging my bets, of course, since no right-thinking baseball fan has ever done anything more positive than spit at the mention of that hated name.)

  • My favorite football name for the all time name list: Craphonso Thorpe. It's not just that the last name that was passed down to him was something bizarre, his parents actively decided, "he shall be named Craphonso". He played briefly with the Chiefs, Texans, Lions, Colts and Titans, primarily as a practice squad player.

  • Ed:

    I miss Skip Caray on the Atlanta sports scene.

    How about the 1940's and early '50s NY Giants pitcher Sal Maglie (sounds like somethin' medical) and that anti-hero Alvin Dark?


  • There's nothing to "get" per se with Randor Bierd. It's just funny sounding and reminds me very much of a bit character in the original Star Wars trilogy.

  • I always thought that Coco Crisp was a pretty silly name, when not being used to describe a children's cereal. What's more, he played for the Boston Red Sox which makes him that much more worthy of derision.

  • BillCinSD says:

    Razor Shines? Boots Poffenberger? Calvin Coolidge Julius Caesar Tuskahoma McLish? Ambiorix Burgos? Elmer Sexauer? Radhames Dykhoff?

  • You're missing Jimmy Gobble, who is a pitcher but with that name should have been a catcher.

  • Steve from Canada says:

    Some funny hockey names:

    Roman Hamrlik (Hammer-lick)
    Ron Tugnutt
    Radek Bonk
    Mike Peca
    Grant Clitsome

    And the best of all:

    Mariusz Czerkawski (you don't *have* to pronounce it "jerk-off-ski," but it's close enough …)

  • Twisted_Colour says:

    AFL: Graham Johncock, Donald Dickie, Danny Dickfos, Garry Cowmeadow, Percy Beames, Basil Onyons, Fred and Wally Buttsworth, Curry Burns, Paddy Ryder.

    Cricket: Napoleon Einstein, Vernon Philander, Doug Insole, the list goes on….

  • I am now going to start calling random strangers "Johnny Dickshot."

    Probably not to their face, mind you.

  • CaptBackslap says:

    I can basically never hear Albert Pujols' name without picturing Beavis saying it.

  • Steve from Canada says:

    Oh, and one more that I'm surprised hasn't come up:

    All-star pitcher Randy Johnson, whose nickname was "The Big Unit."

  • This isn't baseball related, but it is a funny name and actually happened. At my place of employment, there was a guy named Mike Hauk who retired about a year ago. The HR lady sent a power point slide via email to everybody in the corporation that stated Mike Hauk was retiring! There were even phallic shaped golf clubs on the slide. To this email, I respoded, "My cock shall retire over my dead body!"

    Actually, in high school, my school's basketball team played another team that had a player who was named Michael Hunt: swear to God. How did his parents not realize what they were doing?!?

  • Slovak is a *kind* of Slavic, so you were right the first time :)

    I second Randy "The Big Unit" Johnson, and remind you of Rollie Fingers. We can all be grateful for his ridiculous handlebar moustache, which totally goes with his gentleman cat-burglar name.

  • Rusty Peters played at some point back in the 30s. Dick Burns was a pitcher back in the 1800s. He never had a card. (Trust me, I would have paid big money for one if I ever located it.) Among the non-phallic names were Mark Lemongello and Biff Pocaroba. Biff wasn't a nickname. It was his given mane.

    Al Kaline would have been a good battery salesman, and probably has the best name in the Hall of Fame.

    The NFL had Dick Shiner, while the NBA had World B Free (born Lloyd B Free but had his name legally changed).

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