Despite the vociferous objections of a number of readers, I had quite a bit of fun a few months ago with the All-Time Baseball All-Ugly Team. Today I want to focus on something less offensive but even more puerile. That's right, more puerile. This entry is going to set the record for dick jokes by a long shot. Hey, it's Friday. Let's come together through the medium of penis humor.
Rather than trying to fill out a complete roster as I did with the All-Ugly team, let's yield to the randomness of the distribution of silly names and rank them by awesomeness rather than by position. Without further ado and in no particular order…
1. Johnny Dickshot
This obscure benchwarmer for the 1930s Pittsburgh Pirates achieved immortality through his legendary name. My father's habit of referring to random strangers as Johnny Dickshot, which delighted me to no end as a child, has stuck with me into adulthood.
2. Randor Bierd
They can't all be penis jokes, can they? I think it is only fair to make room for a guy who sounds like an understudy to Vader and Palpatine. If the awesomeness of this name isn't apparent at first glance, say it aloud a few times. I'll wait.
3. Pete LaCock
His name is Spanish for "Pete the Cock." What goes through the head of someone who names their child Peter LaCock?
4. Dick Pole
Oh for christ's sake. This is like shooting fish in a barrel, or at least like spearing them with one's pole. Bonus points for coming up in the minors with the Portland Beavers.
5. Albert Pujols
Note the helpful phonetic pronunciation provided by the Cardinals: "POO-holes." Aside from being, you know, the most dominant hitter since Ted Williams, Pujols is badly underrated in the ridiculous name department. Bonus: Most amazing bootleg t-shirt ever seen for sale outside of a stadium…"Cardinals Take it In the Pujols" with a cartoon bird getting sodomized.
6. Urban Shocker
The idea that there is not a D-list rapper or punk band full of 15 year olds named "Urban Shocker" is baffling. Come to think of it, I should have saved this one for the list of the greatest names of all time. No word if he ever gave anyone the shocker.
7. Jung Bong
"Bong" is one of those words that are just phonetically pleasing. "Bong." There's no way to say that without enjoying it. Bonus points: Braves announcer Skip Caray delighted in this guy's name, frequently noting that opponents were "lighting up Bong" or getting "another hit off Bong." Since he sucked, there was ample opportunity for such humor.
8. Rusty Kuntz
You set 'em up, I'll knock 'em down. He insisted it was pronounced "Koontz" but as you might imagine that did not catch on.
9. Antonio Bastardo
He sounds like a luchador or perhaps a b-squad Batman villain. Either way it's a twofer: fun to say and intrinsically hilarious.
10. Yorman Bazardo
See above, only slightly more like a James Bond henchman.
11. Wonderful Terrific Monds
That's his actual name. Fittingly, he really, really sucked.
So tell me: who am I forgetting?