NPF: MYSTERIOUS MAGNETS

Sometimes after my ex-band would have a bad show – playing in front of 3 people or something – I'd often say in mock defeat, "Fuck it, let's give up and become rapping clowns." What is the point of trying hard to be creative and do things that have merit, meaning, or both when America has already proven that you will be A) exceedingly famous and B) wealthy beyond your wildest dreams simply by pasting on some cheap costume makeup and rapping about things of interest to the average adult WWF fan? One almost has to admire the simplicity and brilliance of Insane Clown Posse. You know, the "Fuckin' magnets, how do they work?" guys. If they've been off your radar for a few years, it will please you to learn that they went Christian.

Here is a photo album of Juggalos shot by a very good professional photographer. I picked out a pair to convince you to click through. Come on, it's Friday. You're desperate for things to do that are not work.

I can barely wrap my head around such things. You know those ICP tattoos are still going to be there in 20 years, right? I suppose, however, that when you drop out of high school at 15 and lay around a trailer all day watching a black-and-white TV with a coathanger antenna and tending to your 28 year-old mother's meth lab, this sort of fantasy world for the illiterate must look pretty appealing.

That is no excuse, though – I repeat, none – for a Juggalo funeral complete with an infant casket decked out in ICP decals. Click here if you dare to hear the mother's take on her baby's death (hint: it had nothing to do with the Xanax and weed she consumed during the pregnancy).

We have failed. I'm talking about mankind. As a species, we have failed.

The entire purpose of this entry is to make you feel better about yourself…and about your hillbilly relatives for that matter, about all of whom you can at least say, "Well, at least they're not juggalos."

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36 Responses to “NPF: MYSTERIOUS MAGNETS”

  1. Natalie Says:

    I have told WAY too many people about the Juggalo funeral/mom bit. God, it's just…I don't even know. Most people don't believe me at first but, by the power of Google, they too can experience the wonder.

  2. tommytimp Says:

    Ehh, whatever. The kids, with the rock and roll and the motorcycles and the MTV and the Fannie May chocolates. I met some juggalo kids after a concert at a Burger King once, and they were really nice.

  3. daphne Says:

    makes me feel good about being old.

  4. Zeb Says:

    There is no more hope for the world.

  5. Aslan Maskhadov Says:

    Juggalo is synonymous with white, often suburban(though not always), fucktard who does inhalants. In fact, save for the suburban part, a group of Juggalos used to hang out on my friend's block. One day they decided to reassure their masculinity by threatening physical violence against my friend's ten year old daughter and her peers. Some time after that, the same friend and I witnessed one of the Juggalos come under fire from an angry driver in hot pursuit. After we determined that the driver was not shooting at us, my friend's only words were, "Come on, keep shooting!"

  6. HoosierPoli Says:

    YOUR MUSIC IS BAD AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD

  7. Prudence Says:

    Wait, taking drugs for 6 months of your pregnancy doesn't get you sent to jail? I thought Lifetime movies were made about that sort of thing?

  8. Ike Says:

    I always thought ICP was some sort of a satirical joke, sort of like Eminem, except, sigh… NPR recently ran a story about that jackass. Come to think of it, they ran a blurb about Lindsay Lohan the other day too.

    I'm not sure which is more annoying, fans of Insane Clown Posse or Josh Groban.

  9. bayou Says:

    I brought up the ICP video in one of my classes (I teach at an engineering college) and we all had a good laugh at the whole insanity and stupidity of it while analyzing the rhetorical strategies employed. Later that day, I received an email from one of my students telling me that it was offensive because she is Jugalette and to the Juggalos it is a religion, a family, and knowing you are never alone.

    So in other words, Juggalo culture = hippie culture. With clowns.

  10. bayou Says:

    Well, the Dead did have Wavy Gravy, but you get my point.

  11. halten_Sie Says:

    +5 for linking to ED, Ed.

  12. Jimcat Says:

    Ed, I give you credit for noting that cranky old man posts invite ridicule, but continuing to post them anyway. As a fellow curmudgeon, I'm always happy to see them.

  13. John Danley Says:

    There's no longer any point to life. It's time to die.

  14. grendelkhan Says:

    ICP managed to take the finest cultural products of your average white eighth graders, and turn them into an empire of the id.

    But seriously, imagine how awesome these guys would sound if you were still at the stage of development that considers the "donkey punch" the acme of sexual achievement. If the only thing that bothered you about middle school was that it had to end, you're a perfect ICP fan.

  15. Sator Arepo Says:

    It seems to me that this is the quandary we find ourselves in when we decide all babies have to live. Moral dilemma, that.

    Hey, natural selection? Could you come in here for a sec? Thanks. You know, you did a really good job for a long time, but we're going to have to go ahead and let you go. We'll take it from here. Okay, thanks!

  16. Evan Says:

    halten_Sie beat me to the punch. I was going to say, "+>9000, Ed, for linking to your namesake website."

  17. Bill Says:

    I think the best part about the whole Juggalo thing is that at some point they have to look like that in the real world. Yes, they look like idiots while at the concert, but imagine them driving there. You know they drive 1994 Ford Escort wagons or Plymouth Voyagers, so seeing them in traffic must be the greatest boost to ones ego that is possible.

    Or even better, seeing one of their mothers driving them there. Or helping them put on their makeup.

    I feel better about myself already.

  18. nate Says:

    They're still better than Radiohead

  19. LucyTooners Says:

    Hey Sator stricks to the bone but right on!

  20. Ed Says:

    There is nothing Old Man about this post. Everyone loves mocking Juggalos.

  21. Bryan Says:

    I had never heard of a Juggalo before. ICP, yes, but I didn't think they were still around. Between this and the fact that we're now killing entire oceans, I think it's about time to declare that humanity had a pretty good run.

  22. Comrade PhysioProf Says:

    Dude, I haven't the faintest fucking idea what the fuck this post is about. I have decided to keep it that way.

  23. Nunya Says:

    Holy. Fucking. Shit.

    I am speechless.

  24. beau Says:

    I've always thought ICP were a lot like KISS. Take a musical sub-genre, subtract every single thing that may possibly be construed as having some merit (objective or otherwise), slap some face paint what's left, and sell it to tone-deaf white people.

    Could the kids above be examples of what happens when members of the KISS Army are allowed to breed?

    I have also always wondered why Limp Bizkit just kind of petered out. The possibility that they and their fans were NOT QUITE STUPID ENOUGH is not one I had previously considered.

  25. Robert Says:

    I recently posted a message on the Portal of Evil news forums, asking if anyone had seen a Juggalo in real life. I never have, myself, which is why the question.

    To answer the next question, yes, I realize that I am very fortunate. Aslan, I thought the punchline to your story was going to be the Juggalos fleeing in panic from the counterattack of the ten year old kids.

  26. Nunya Says:

    An important follow-up from the ICP News Network

  27. baldheadeddork Says:

    ICP is bad but too easy of a target. What about Mushroomhead – the ICP for people who've done time for felonies?

  28. justme Says:

    Here we have the "Gathering of the Juggalos 2009 Infomercial" in its full glory.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nNe11E_KiAk

    It will melt your head like that dude in Raiders of the Lost Ark.
    Don't say I didn't warn ya.

    Also, "Hatchet Happenings," which sounds like something out of Cthulhu's Readers Digest.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kJdZ2Bb5Mpw

    Bog help us all.

  29. Peggy Says:

    Shortly after seeing the "Miracles" video (and yelling not only "Fucking magnets, how do they work?!" but also "There's magic all up in this bitch!" at my coworkers for, like, a week), I saw SNL's take:

    http://www.hulu.com/watch/143249/saturday-night-live-outrageous-clown-squad-kickspit-dirt-festival#s-p10-sr-i1

    You wouldn't think you COULD parody something that already parodies itself so well, but they somehow found a way. Sad "woop woop!" and all.

  30. Nick Says:

    The confusing part to me is that in Salt Lake City, there are three areas where these sad fuckers congregate. The first two make sense: the two shitty semi-poor, mostly white suburbs where the majority of them live, and public transit (particularly the light rail). The last, however, is the Salt Lake City Main Library. In addition to being a really beautiful building in a nice space, it's, you know, a library. Everyone knows Juggalos can't read, and they make no attempt to disprove that theory by actually entering the library. But on any given day, in the afternoons when real people have things like school and work to do, there are 20-30 of them, all white, all obese, all wearing ICP clothing and Hatchet Man jewelry, some wearing makeup, others just with terrible hairstyles, congregating next to the sidewalk on one side of the library. It's truly baffling.

  31. Robert Says:

    This may sound hateful, but I just remembered this. In F. Paul Wilson's newest Repairman Jack novels, "Bllodlines" and "By the Sword", there's a group calling themselves the Kickers, who are inspired by a crude graffito called the 'Kicker Man'. It turns out that they're carriers of a genetic taint, dating back to a long-forgotten war of Good vs Evil, which makes them prone to impulsivity, violence and general assholery.

    Amusingly enough, the character who knows the most about them refers to them as Taints.

  32. Lancelot Link Says:

    It's all funny until the shooting starts…..
    http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Jakejekyll

  33. Parrotlover77 Says:

    I'm usually in line to criticize Ed for GET OFF MY LAWN posts, but this isn't one. ICP is old. For fuck's sake, I remember them when I was a teenager. I'm probably not as old as some of the old farts here, but I think about Ed's age anyway.

    Making fun of a group of fat, white, suburban, face-painted, wannabe gangstas making up a culture as they go along is not the same as the "all the kids I'm teaching are the stoopids compared to my ELITE GENERATION OF WISEDOM" posts.

    :-)

  34. Paul Luscher Says:

    Hey, in my day, we had Alice Cooper, painted face and all . Remember that song of his,"Dead Babies?" I thought he was cool back then, but looked at another way, he was probably about as stupid as ICP.

    Well, they'll either grow out of it (as I did), or we'll have a whole new population for our prisons and rehab centers…

    To quote H.L. Mencken (I think): "No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American people…"

  35. Bottled Water Says:

    i watched a concert of josh groban and oh boy, he can really sing very well "-.

  36. TiffanyTorment Says:

    You are such a fucking idiot. If you truly believe that all juggalos and juggalettes are alike then you are a fucking stereotypical bitch like no other. no one is the same as anyone else. not all juggalos do drugs, not all juggalos drink. there's a lot of shit you need to learn about our family before you post shit like this. let this be an example of the one thing our hatchet does represent: Love. We love each other and will stand u for each other and rotect each other no matter what. Why? because we are a FAMILY. not a cult. not a gang. not a clique. A FAMILY. So you fuck with one of us and you'll deal with all of us!