NPF: RUNNING THE GAUNTLET

For reasons that I absolutely do not need to discuss here in any level of detail – but may or may not involve an online dating site, deceptive photos from five years/100 pounds ago, and a bitchy objectivist who smoked menthol cigarettes – I need you to comfort me and bring me cheer by telling me the story of the worst date you have ever been on.

A female friend of mine once went on a blind date on which the guy showed up wearing a cape. Not a costume. He just…wears a cape, I guess.

Who are these people, and where do they come from?

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86 Responses to “NPF: RUNNING THE GAUNTLET”

  1. HoosierPoli Says:

    Worst high school date: When I invited a girl to a movie and her Ultra-Christian mom made her bring a friend with her so we wouldn't be tempted to get busy.

    Fun fact: that girl later got pregnant at 19 by some random dude, and I married the only person I ever had sex with. Take that, Christianity.

  2. Middle Seaman Says:

    A date? Sounds familiar, when did I hear that before?

  3. wetcasements Says:

    Second time I ever made out with a girl, when we were finished I zipped my pants up _over_ my dick.

    Seriously. _Something About Mary_ IRL.

    Hang in there man.

  4. econtutor Says:

    How about a "non-date" date?

    A friend of mine was talking to a woman, gasp, once through an online dating site. Everything was going well and they moved on what he calls the "texting" phase, in which he and his date to be texted back and forth for hours at a time. They exchanged facebook pages, chatted on there, everything was going quite well.

    My friend and this young lady finally decided to setup a date. Again, constant texting and messaging on Facebook, this was going really well! Well, all of a sudden on the day of the date, the young lady stopped responding to my friend's texts. My friend baffled, tried texting again shortly before they were scheduled to meet. Again, no response.

    A day later the young lady posted a status update on facebook that was similar to the following: "I can't believe that the ER believed me when I said I took that many pills by accident. It was a lot of pills! Thank god I don't have to go back to the mental hospital again."

    My friend is the one person I know who can legitimately say that there are women out there who would rather kill themselves than go out on a date with him.

  5. J. Dryden Says:

    On my first date with a (to her credit) very bright and attractive young women, she insisted that we stop by a little coffee house after the dinner/movie portion of the evening. It was well out of our way and I asked, politely, whether this place was special for some reason (it was L.A. in the early 90s–not difficult to find a hipster-approved coffee house there/then.) She giggled and admitted that it was, but that I'd have to wait to see why.

    Gamely–very attractive, remember–out of my league, really–I agreed, and we got there, at which point she proudly drew me over to a *huge* photo, covering most of the back wall, which depicted…well, as she put it, "It's a photo-recreation of Courbet's L'Origine du Monde!"

    "It certainly is," I said, trying not to blink or swallow. "And that's…?"

    "Me? Yes! A model and an artist all in one! They all love it here! Right, guys?"

    (Chorus of approval from the hipsters.)

    And so I sat, again at her insistence, directly in front of the photo, which placed my head directly in the…well, I was nestled right between…Yeah, that. She "liked how I looked there." My peripheral vision was utterly besieged by labia, threatening to engulf my head like an alien facehugger. And she kept up a steady stream of conversation, none of which I could hear over the screaming in my head.

    Yes, I went home with her. But I've never been so acutely aware that I was ignoring a woman's total insanity because she was hot and I was a man. Which really makes me the bad guy of the story, I have to admit.

  6. Turok Says:

    My senior prom.

    my date INSISTED on having a nice dinner beforehand, even if it made us miss more than half the event. Driving across town, we fought over directions (days before a GPS in every phone).

    Then, she insisted on getting a hotel room in advance EVEN THOUGH WE WERE ALREADY LATE. On our way in, she couldn't walk in her shiny new heels, and faceplanted right on a curb. We finally made our way in, and she stormed off to the bathroom in a jealous rage when other girls asked to dance with me.

    Second worst date? Girl told me she likes Sarah Palin. I knew then it wouldn't last…

  7. Glen.h Says:

    The guy who said that I would look "cute" in a Nazi uniform….

  8. chautauqua Says:

    I guess it's a toss-up between the woman who had …. prosthetics ….. on a significant portion of her anatomy (no, not there) and the girl who brought along her "girlfriend".

    I am happily a bachelor.

  9. duck-billed placelot Says:

    On two separate dates in the past year, a person has taken me through a variant of the following:

    Person: tangential mention of divorce
    Me: Divorce, huh?
    Person: standard issue incompatibility mention
    Me: Sad. How long ago was that?
    Person: Well, technically
    Me: ?
    Person: I'm only separated. For X time, where X is < 2 months.

  10. Elle Says:

    The whole concept of dating is a relatively recent, internet dating site driven, innovation in the countries I've lived in. We tend to prefer something more drunken and shambolic.

    My favourite random escapade story belongs to a friend of mine, who went back to some guy's house after some mutually entertaining bar chat. He installed her in his nice bedroom, and then went away to do something. She, waiting with her clothes off, assumed that he was getting more booze, or finding condoms, or some other task-relevant activity. He came back, throwing a pose in the doorway, dressed as Elvis.

    She said the sex was above par for a one-nighter, and he was a great guy, but the whole King thing put her off going back for seconds.

  11. Chris "Limey" Lewis Says:

    Normally I make my gross faux-pas before I even reach the date stage with a girl, so no horrible dating stories. That said, I've been dumped for being "depressing".

  12. c u n d gulag Says:

    Date?
    Worst date?
    Who remembers?

    I'm too old for a date now.
    I'd like a nice prune, though.

  13. Cerb Says:

    I had a first date where the movie seen was the passion of the christ. Yeah, that fling didn't last long.

  14. Jon Says:

    "Yes, I went home with her. But I've never been so acutely aware that I was ignoring a woman's total insanity because she was hot and I was a man."

    I cannot even begin to describe the brilliance of that statement.

  15. Hazy Davy Says:

    I do so many stupid things on a daily basis…and when I was single, so many of them revolved around that…I honestly don't think I have any stories that *wouldn't* be insane, now.

  16. Bruce Wayne Says:

    This one chick kept on obsessing on my cape, asking me why I wore it, what purpose did it serve, etc. Sigh, typical superficial female, more worried about clothes than character. I wound up trying to act like an immature jerk so she wouldn't feel so bad that there wouldn't be a second date.

  17. Midge Says:

    1) College. Had a guy friend I'd hang out with maybe once or twice a month. Well, it had been about that amount of time, and he asked me to dinner on a Wednesday or something. He picks me up, and I'm wearing gym shorts and a t-shirt. He then proceeds to take me to this really nice Italian restaurant he made a reservation at even though NO ONE was there. Also, I have $10 with me. I figured out what this was at that point and didn't want him to pay for me, but when he offered me booze, I had to accept. When we got back to campus I practically sprinted out of the car. This once makes me look kind of bad, but there was no sign that this was any different that anything we'd done before. Suprise! You're on a date!

    2) Grad school. Met guy at friend's birthday. Went to dinner and decided I really wasn't interested in him. Decided that rather than struggling through drinks and leading him on, I'd just tell him that it was pleasant, but wasan't going to happen. He then wanted to disect our relationship and figure out where things went wrong…after knowing me for about 3 hours.

    3) 3 of the 4 people I met while trying online dating in Bloomington. Guy who insisted on going rock climbing. Guy who was really into working on his van. Guy who just gave me the creeps. And the one who was good was in the math department, so I guess everything is relative.

    Head up! I still think there's someone out there who isn't totally horrible.

  18. kama Says:

    Got set up on a last minute double date by a friend who wanted to go out with a hot girl, but said hot girl wouldn't go out with my friend alone. Being the good friend I was, I agreed to be set up with a friend of hers. Needless to say, my date was not exactly as advertised. She was unattractive physically, but not only that had an unattractive personality. She was loud, obnoxious and boring, always talking about herself. To cap off our lovely date she threw up in my lap.

    Epilogue: My friend never got into hot girls pants. And after friend and I discussed the evenings events via a fistfight, we agreed to never double date again.

  19. Gordon Guano Says:

    I have failed to mock a woman's belief in astrology because she was letting me put my penis inside her. She said I was her first Aries; looking back, it should not have been a surprise when the next day she was having sex with someone she had known less than four hours.

  20. JohnR Says:

    What is this "date" thing you speak of? I thought that sort of thing was obsolete in these modern times. As far as I can tell from fringes of conversations, men and women 'hang out', 'hook up' or 'get married'. Anyway, as Matt Groening so deftly put it in another context, welcome to Hell! Just think of the wonderful stories you're going to have for cocktail parties for the rest of your life. You might not be able to tell them completely because of breaking down in the middle in either hysterical laughter or uncontrollable sobbing, but at least you'll have them.
    Anyway, for JDryden up there, replace "the bad guy of the story" with "normal guy" in your last line and I think it will scan better. Insanity comes in many flavors, but my favorite flavor is female.

  21. Nick Says:

    Met a girl online. We had a first date that went well–dinner, good conversation–so we made another. We wound up meeting for lunch. I didn't have a car at the time so she picked me up. Then her car broke down after we ate. We had to call her father for a ride. Turned out she lived with her parents, so I made small talk while the father of the girl I was hoping to hook up with drove us home. He went into the garage to work on a car and we went downstairs, which I thought was a good thing until we ran into her little sister and her little sister's friend playing Rock Band, and my date insisted on joining in. They only had three controllers so I sat and watched them play Rock Band for a couple hours. Then her mom got home and insisted that I stay for their family dinner. Needing a ride to escape, I really had no choice. One of the more painfully awkward dinners I've ever had. Then just to cap matters, she drove me home while talking in extensive detail about her sex life with her ex. Needless to say I didn't call her for a third date.

    I've had some good internet dating experiences but that was not one of them.

  22. Erin H Says:

    I guess I've been on some bad dates because I've been broken up with *twice* by guys I didn't know I was dating. Two long letters describing how it's not going to work out, we're just not compatible, etc. Wish I had known we were in a relationship to begin with, because maybe I would have put on my game face!

  23. Aaron Weber Says:

    I know a woman whose date, halfway through dinner, said "I know who it is you remind me of! It's Gilbert Gottfried!"

    And you know, she does kind of have a nasal voice and squints when she laughs….

  24. Grumpygradstudent Says:

    Long time internet dater here. The worst one I had was when the unattractive woman showed up late, immediately began talking about herself at a frenetic, neurotic pace, insulted my profession, and then decided it was perfectly acceptable to pull out her knitting and go to town without even as much as a "do you mind if I knit?" That's why coffee is always my first date. You can flee relatively quickly.

  25. jeneria Says:

    This isn't an online story, just a sad college date.

    He was so hot in a euro trash way, an aspiring writer and in a band, but he was straight edge. So what was our date? Sitting in a coffee shop while he played chess with some random dude and tried to explain Hegelian philosophy to me (except that I knew Hegel better than he did). He wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise (seriously, I think he'd just read Hegel in 90 Minutes) and at the end of the date, he made me pay because he "was down with feminism."

  26. kathy k. Says:

    Many years ago, I went out with a very nice South African guy named Jan. But it was pronounced something along the lines of 'yarn' and I just never felt I was saying it properly. So I spent the entire time (and the few times we saw each other afterward) not using his name. Shame, really, he had a gorgeous yacht.

  27. lfv Says:

    Went out with a lawyer ina da's office once who told me, laughing, about the people they had wrongly convicted.

  28. Brian Says:

    Actually, this happened post-date:
    She sent me photos of her boobs. With a very large nipple clip attached to each. I swear I have no idea why she thought I'd like that, or why that was remotely appropriate. This was about 8 years ago, and I still make the "I just ate a very sour lemon" face whenever I think of it.

  29. AliceBlue Says:

    My divorce from my first husband (due to his alcoholism and the fact that he was a mean drunk) had recently been finalized when I was asked out to dinner by a guy in my office. Nice looking, sweet, kind of shy; I accepted. We go out to dinner and he proceeds to … get blind, stinking drunk. He says, in a very loud voice, that he wants to sleep with me. The whole restaurant is staring at us. Somehow, the check gets paid. We go outside, I hail a cab, shove him inside, and tell the driver to take him back to the Bronx where he belongs. I walk the few blocks to my apartment thinking "Do I just attract drunks? Or do I make men just want to get drunk?" Luckily for me, the answer was "neither." I've been married for 25 years to a man who just likes a beer or a glass of wine occasionally.

  30. Oblio Says:

    Senior Prom, SoCal, 1974. My date/girlfriend had been grounded by her parents but would feign a trip to her friend's house and I would pick her up there. Day of the prom my family got back from a camping trip that left me horribly sunburned. Drove to El Monte to get my tux, got a flat on the freeway and nearly crashed. Picked up GF at friend's house and found out her dad was really REALLY angry about what she did to get grounded. Went to the prom but spent the whole night in terror that her dad would find out she'd gone with me, burst into the place, punch me out and drag ger home, all played out in front of my classmates. Got lost in downtown LA trying to find the freeway onramp afterwards, no kiss or even thanks at night's ned, she broke up with me the following week. Mebbe the most miserable date ever.

  31. SeaTea Says:

    I asked out this gorgeous intellectual named Tina. She was a French History major (really?), and insisted we meet at a very snobby hipster bar for our first date. I ordered us some overpriced glasses of wine and we proceeded to spend the next two hours fighting like cats and dogs about every topic you could possibly imagine. Just making bitterly disparaging comments about the other's position back and forth on a wide range of subjects. When I had become thoroughly irritated and was ready to call it an evening, we piled into my car so I could drive her home. At which point she basically shoved her tongue down my throat, ripped off my clothes and had her way with me. Then when we got back to her place she pulled me into her bedroom and we spent the night working out all that aggression.

    So it was the worst first date ever… until it was just about the best.

  32. Amused Says:

    College. Went out with a cool, attractive grad student. On the second date, he invited me over to his place for dinner. He made a simple and elegant meal, and afterwards, we sat down on the couch to watch an arthouse movie that he told me was just the best movie he had ever seen, and I would love it. Despite the fact that I am an arthouse fan, the title and the plot of this movie didn't stick with me. It was one of those independent movies that tried a little too hard to be whimsical. Anyway, there was a scene where a girl who has mental problem makes love to her boyfriend, and afterwards, goes to the bathroom and gouges out her eyes with a razor.

    My date sighed and said: "I would love if a girl did that for me. I'd marry her right then and there."

    Me: "What? …"

    Him: "That's real love. If a girl loved me so much, if she was so overcome with feelings that there was no way to channel something so big except by mutilating herself … wow. She's crazy, but it's the right kind of crazy. I would give anything to have a girl who did something like that out of love for me."

    Instinctively, I covered up my eyes with my hands. About, oh, twenty seconds later I was already outside, putting lots of giant steps between myself and this guy.

  33. BK Says:

    After a year I finally got up the nerve to ask a great girl on a date in college. She accepted, which blew my mind. I picked her up at her place, took her to a nice restaurant for dinner which was going to be followed by a movie…

    It was a Friday and also payday, which meant it was one of the two days every fortnight that I had any cash… except that I didn't. My direct deposit didn't happen and my check card came back *declined.*

    She ended up paying and the date ended uncomfortably about 20 minutes later.

  34. Del Says:

    @ Amused – I believe that would be "Betty Blue," 1986. My husband spent months afterward fondly referring to the "autoenucleation" scene, but he'd just gotten out of med school and you know how they are at that stage.

    When I was a freshman in college, I had a blind date with a guy from a friend's VERY small home town. We went to the movies, & it seemed like every poster in the lobby (Watership Down was one) was a movie he had seen and I had not, based on a book I had read and he had not. The third time this happened, he said, in his thick south Louisiana accent, "Boy. You mus' do a lot of readin'."

  35. Donna Says:

    Went out on a first date with a very nice guy to a play. We were waiting for the lights to come down when his crazy stalker ex-girlfriend came up behind me and seriously scratched the right side of my neck for daring to go out with 'her' boyfriend. She then proceeded to get in my face with her long red fingernails and threaten me. I got up and left and never went out with him again.

  36. Cap Says:

    Met a girl a million years ago when I worked at a big box retail place. She kept coming in to chat, she was german and I speak german, I was shy and she wasn't, it was going great. So we finally go on a date one night. We're in the car chatting and having a great time, and I say:

    So what brought you to this country?

    "Oh I came here to get married."

    ….So you're looking for a husband, you mean?

    "No I got married."

    ..Oh ok. But then you got divorced?

    "No, I'm still married."

    -silence-

    Turns out they're into vampires and role playing, he drinks too much and she's bored. Also he has a lot of guns. And he did not know she was out dating around. I thanked her for a lovely evening and got the fug out at the earliest opportunity. She was cute, too, dammit.

  37. Saul T. Nutts Says:

    I met this girl at a bar in the San Fernando Valley. Super cool Belizean girl and just gorgeous. I got her phone number and we chatted a little bit before I asked her out. Just friendly kind of "how 'bout that bar the other night?" stuff.

    For our first date, we met at a nice restaurant. We sat down and after about 5 minutes, she asked me what I do for a living. I told her and she said "oh, you must make a lot of money."

    I said, "I get by. I don't make as much as people think."

    She asked, "How much do you make?"

    I said, "I'm not comfortable discussing that."

    This went back and forth for what seemed like forever, with her trying sly ways to find out how much money I made and me trying to avoid it. My gold digger alarm was screaming at this point.

    We finished up, I paid the bill, and we walked outside. I told her it was fun, but that I didn't think we'd really clicked. She said "I'll let you f*ck me for $200."

    I told her I wasn't interested and she said "$150." I walked away and have not seen or heard from her since.

  38. grumpygradstudent Says:

    I just remembered another good one. I met a girl online, and we finally chatted on the phone and set up a date. Immediately after plans were set, she informed me that she was in a wheelchair. Alright, I thought, I shouldn't let that deter me. So we went out a couple of times for coffee and dinner. She basically begged me to go back to her apt., so I did. And then she started drinking. Boy oh boy, did she start drinking! She proceeds to get sloppy, shit-faced hammered. I tried to make an excuse to go home about halfway through, but she was very insistent that I stay. By the time I left, she could barely speak.

    Now, on the one hand, if anybody has a right to get shitfaced drunk and wallow in misery, it was her. Life had certainly dealt her a difficult hand. On the other hand, if it did not occur to her that getting shit faced, blackout drunk was sort of inappropriate on a date, where were things headed? Anyway, that was the last time I saw her.

  39. Jacquie Says:

    I can

  40. Jacquie Says:

    Dammit, comment fail. Let's try this again.

    I can’t believe I’m gonna cop to this one, because literally everything about it screams “bad judgment,” but everyone else has provided such inspiring examples, so here goes. We met on the interstate about three or four hours from my adopted hometown in cars going next to each other at about 85mph and he held up a sign asking for my number. I held up a sign with my number, and he called and asked me out to dinner that night before he got off the highway. I was traveling home from visiting family and still had a few hours to go on the road, so I politely declined, but we ended up talking on the phone every day for hours, and finally we agreed that I would drive to the college town where he lived to meet up in person. Long story short, I drove three hours in pouring rain to see him, and when I got there, he was…awful. We went out for pizza with his roommates, which I actually enjoyed since one roommate was both very cute and very flirtatious. Then he took me to see “Hostel 2.” No, I hadn’t seen the first one. Then he insists on dragging me into a Walmart (which is the best way to send me into a hyperventilating panic attack) so he could buy season one of “One Tree Hill.” And make me watch it. After a few episodes, I decided to stretch out on his bed for a few minutes to relax. He came in and we started making out (there’s more of that famous bad judgment) and after like two seconds of kissing he ejaculated all over my favorite denim skirt. Then he fell asleep. For the next 20 hours. I made the drive home in record time.

  41. Christopher Gerrib Says:

    Back in the days when you dated via personal ads, I answered one. We had several nice phone conversations, then we set a meeting at a local restaurant.

    I show up to discover that she was 8 months pregnant. Apparently that was a "minor detail" that wasn't important to mention in our previous conversations.

  42. quimby Says:

    I've had plenty of lousy dates, but only one possibly worth detailing. In high school, I was standard-issue gawky, awkward teen. This being 1980s suburban Texas I also was a reflexive, unthinking Republican. I had long had a crush on a lefty friend who, following a break up with her jock boyfriend, relented and let me take her out. After a dinner where I was trying way, way too hard (I can recall being conscious of the sweat leaving my pores), we went to see Do the Right Thing as part of my campaign to show her my liberal-mindedness. We both walked out dumbstuck — I could barely process the experience, and it certainly didn't lighten up the evening any. We went to a friend's keg party afterwards. She quickly disappeared with a long-haired soccer player while I drank and tried to look like it was perfectly natural for me to be oddly overdressed, sober, and alone. Ah, high school.

  43. Clueless Says:

    In college, I was working with an attractive girl in a student organization. We were together a lot, and sometimes being around someone makes them more attractive. So, I work up the courage to ask her out and she says yes. A few days later, we head out for dinner on our first "date." Through out the entire conversation, she keeps talking about how if you're good friends you need to be honest and otherwise dropping hints that there is something she needed to say. I am an idiot so I didn't catch on at all. Date ends, things seem ok. That weekend, she has a party at her house where she finally explains to me that she can't date me right now because she's been seeing another woman. About three weeks later she breaks up with the chick in no uncertain terms by telling her "I'm straight."

    Anyway, I'm a moron, but I still can't figure out why she agreed to go out with me in the first place. Sheesh.

  44. unclemike Says:

    Geez, all I ever did was pretend to get a pager message about a friend's pregnancy to get out of my boring date with an overweight church chick who kept talking about gospel music after I told her I was an atheist.

  45. Elle Says:

    @jeneria

    That is a brilliant description of those kind of college guys. I think that the dudebro-ish rugby team guys were actually preferable. You knew you were going to be sexually unsatisfied either way, and at least you got to get tipsy and to skip the patronising lecture on stuff you knew more about.

  46. draftmama Says:

    Invited to Laguna Beach for the day (I lived in Ventura) which I supposed would include the evening as well by a hot rich dude I had known professionally for over a year. Long drive through LA Saturday traffic, Laguna traffic is nuts, he had forgotton, his previous night's date was still in the bedroom, he was hungover and grumpy when I said I would have to leave right away, asked if I could come back the following Saturday. Her thong was on the coffee table……

  47. grumblebunnie Says:

    When I was sixteen or seventeen, my best friend asked me to go with her to a coffee shop to meet a guy she had just started dating. She explained she wanted a third wheel because he was a neo-Nazi and she was kind of scared of him.
    So we drove out to a far-flung rural outskirt of the city to pick up her chunky date, far too many years her senior, from his parent's house. I recall avoiding dogs in the yard, then being offered an unfiltered Camel or even my own pack if I wanted. I learned he was a member of the World Church of the Creator, some of whose members were convicted around that time of setting fire to synagogues in the area.
    I recall little else about the afternoon except that my friend was so jittery and unhappy that on the way out, she backed her car into the side of the coffee shop. And I believe I only ever went on my own dates after that.

  48. Vishnu Schist Says:

    Two stories:

    1. Never actually met this one, but on a dating site chatted with a woman from San Francisco, I'm in Portland, OR. We chat a few times, she mentions she'll be visiting a friend in Portland that weekend perhaps we can meet up. I say yes, perhaps Saturday, this is on Tuesday. Friday I come down with horrible cold, wake up Saturday feeling terrible. I call her to tell her I can't meet her, perhaps another time, enjoy your visit. This all on voice message as she didn't answer. After a nap I wake to a phone message from her. She spends about three minutes telling me I'm the biggest SOB on the planet for having her fly to Portland to meet me only to cancel. That she makes little money and spent most of it on this trip just for me and I should go die in a fire. I didn't return the call.

    2. Chat very briefly with a woman who says she feels I need some "healing" and she wants to come to my place and help me. I ask her if there is a charge for this service. No, she just feels I'm stressed and could use some help. I decline but agree to meet her for coffee. We meet for coffee, she is somewhat attractive, but about as interesting in conversation as a pile of rocks. I bow out of the meeting and escape. A few days later she invites me over to "snuggle in bed" with her as she is feeling down. I tell her I'm not interested in her, she says whatever, come to my place and let's do it, no strings. In my 20's or 30's I'd have gone, in my 40's now, forget it. I don't need the insanity.

  49. David Says:

    @Erin H:

    This is so hard. Look, it's not you, it's me. You're terrific, really, it's just that I'm in such a weird place right now. Don't blame yourself. You're terrific. You're terrific.

  50. grumpygradstudent Says:

    And it's good to remember that online dates aren't the only ones that can be terrible. I just asked out a girl I've known for a long time. We were good friends. I say "were" because I think it's looking like she's never going to talk to me again.

    Fun times!

  51. mrearl Says:

    Worst date? She was Hobbesian: Nasty, brutish, and short.

  52. Ellie Says:

    Well, for starters, the guy who was actually gay and in the closet wasn't a bad date at all. And the fundie Christian Republican Reagan-loving guy actually was pretty nice – just boring and predictable. The cop was actually an okay dude too, at least to me, even though we didn't have much in common (or agree on many issues).

    So…worst date? The emo straight-edge punk musician/writer (of course) who got upset at me (I forget what for, he felt like I "didn't care", or something), went home, and cut up his legs with a razor. And later told me about it on the phone. Turns out, cutting was what "worked" to help him "deal with things". He didn't think it was dysfunctional – "everyone" he knew was also into self-harm. Oooh-kaaay.

    Emo-punk-musician/writer-straight-boy with the razored legs made the gay guy dating a woman, the fundie Republican who asked out an agnostic liberal, and the cop with the poor compatibility-radar all seem like paragons of sanity. It's all relative.

  53. RT Butte Says:

    I worked in the oilfield for a couple years and got out because of the Deepwater Horizon incident (oh god all my nightmares and only 50 miles away). I left my job on a Wednesday, got back to my old stomping grounds, found an attractive lady who was excited about all the money I had made, and did the dinner/movie thing the very next weekend.

    We ended up at a casino hotel with more than a few drinks in us and the entire time we were having sex, she kept making semi-obligatory jokes and references to drilling, which was not the worst part. The worst part was her referring to my ejaculation as "[her] Deepwater Horizon". I forget exactly what she said or even what I did, but I do remember getting my pants back on as quickly as possible and leaving and never talking to her ever again.

  54. merl Says:

    I once had a date with a chick who didn't put out. Worse date ever!!

  55. MBL Says:

    She gave the waiter her number halfway through dinner.

    I think I win.

  56. MBL Says:

    Oh Christ. I just found her blog. SOMEONE TELL ME WHY I DID THAT.

  57. Marc Says:

    Date: So, what are you into?

    Me: Well, I like reading, . . .

    Date: Ah – you're what I call "boring".

  58. PhoenixRising Says:

    -Cop who thought the LEO firing range that had to run me through AFIS first was a hot 2nd date locale? Did her.
    -Classmate who needed her papers "edited", for content, syntax and clarity, who is today a paid journalist despite her inability to produce sentences consistently? Yeah, did her.
    -Former co worker who invited me to stay after her housewarming, presumably toward end of…warming her further…who I fled when my fingers found something else metal after her button fly was…undone? Mostly did her.

    For all the claims that you all like to make, suggesting that men will do a lot of crazy/humilitating things to get laid…apparently it's not just an XY thing. All I can say is, I like girls. The crazy ones didnt deter me back in my dating days.

    Ed, it's all behind me now and I can advise you as follows: you want to go on as many third dates as possible. She's out there.

  59. Greg Says:

    Finally convinced the beauty in my foreign policy class (like you a Poli Sci major, though luckily I bailed after the MA) to go on a date. Fancy dinner. Front row tickets to the Nylons. Back at my house was obvious she disapproved of me for some reason.

    Conversation ends thus:
    "But everyone has their faults."
    "Yes Greg, but I think you have them all."

    Petty perhaps, but she did not enjoy her next class presentation.

  60. Chris "Limey" Lewis Says:

    Screw all this "horrible weirdo-date" crap, who has made an astonishingly bad faux-pas / put their foot in it on a date?

    I dropped the "c-bomb"/"C U Next Tuesday" on the second date with a christian fundamentalist. True story.

  61. Elder Futhark Says:

    Well she was…
    half-bird
    half-fish
    don't really matter which half
    you are toe to toe
    with a cloaca

    She wanted to put out
    something awful
    I obliged her
    and danced the mating dance

    my mind was a million miles away
    as I engaged in horizontal play
    but finally I managed
    to goosh a quart
    up in her egg chamber

    After that
    I did what any red-blooded American boy would do
    I wiped my fat cock head
    covered in egg juice and shit
    on her curtains
    and then I split

  62. Southern Beale Says:

    I got fixed up with a guy who looked great on paper — writer, marathon runner, taught marketing in the communications department of the local university — but he was the most socially retarded, painfully awkward person who ever pretended to function in society that I ever met.

    I think he needed medication. You kinda had to be there.

  63. Tom Says:

    @Southern Beale.

    What makes someone socially retarded and painfully awkward? I think it's the audience, you prude!

  64. Nate Says:

    Cape? I don't want to look like a weirdo. I'll take the muumuu.

  65. Comrade Luke Says:

    I was less than five minutes late and she'd already ordered food and a drink. Half an hour into the date she says she can't decide – should she take the money she's saved up to buy a new car or get liposuction. I'd know this woman 30min.

    What do I win?

    (should've gone with the lipo)

  66. Mister Fork Says:

    Sooner or later every forum lurker sees a thread they have to comment on, and this is it – my favorite worst date was going on a date with my high school ex a couple years after I came back from college. She gorgeous, adorable, and seems to have resolved most of her character flaws from the old days, even apologizes profusely for cheating on me back in the day.

    Which, in retrospect, should really have been a warning sign.

    She spends every 20 minutes on her phone and ignoring it, telling me she has an overprotective friend who wants to know how the date is going. Later, after much making out, she tells me that she's actually married, and she might want to leave her husband for me – who's been calling her trying to figure out where she is. Then I find out her husband is another old friend of mine I haven't talked to in years.

    I got out fast. Found out later she was even 2 months pregnant at the time. But probably the most awkward 2 minutes I've ever spent with a girl's hand down my pants.

  67. TheStone Says:

    Does it count as "story of a worst date" when your date does not show up? If so, yeah, that was probably the worst.

  68. Mayya Says:

    Guy I had one date with tried to get me to go with him to his Amway meeting. Not sure if he was trying to get a commission from signing me up, or showing his friends he knew a real, live girl.

    Probably both.

    When I was young – a very long time ago – I was definitely "hot", and can tell the opposite-side-of-the-coin story about jerks who only asked me out in order to somehow manage to end up at the bar/restaurant hangout of their friends to show off. It's pretty dehumanizing to realize your date regards you as something like a really neat car or an expensive watch, something they have the prowess to "get."

  69. Oceanside Says:

    High school worst: On a first date with a really sweet exchange student. All's going well until he informs me that he knows all American women have AIDS, but he won't insist we use a condom later. Then he tells me that his favorite chore at his host family's house is dish-washing…because he spends the whole time daydreaming of me, sees my face in the plates, and pretends to make out with them.

    College worst: Had a lovely dinner/movie date with a seemingly nice guy. At the end of the evening, he gives me a kiss goodnight and tells me that he likes me so much, if I tell him I feel the same way, he'll go ahead and dump his girlfriend.

  70. vegymper Says:

    In my own web-based dating experience, I found that the crazy/weird/-to-normal ratio was about 10:1. I've kept the normal one almost 11 years since, so Ed, "keep walking"! Oops, sorry the slogan is not about gin…

  71. Neal Deesit Says:

    The worst part was her referring to my ejaculation as "[her] Deepwater Horizon."

    A prudent driller would have been wearing one of those latex "blowout preventers" that are supposed to contain any spills, thereby keeping any wildlife from washing up on the shore of her lady parts 9 months later.

  72. Scott Says:

    So many weird dates, one hardly knows where to begin. Here's one that's not a date, really.

    In my early thirties, I dated a really attractive young woman for almost three months. She was cute, intelligent, hard working (a nurse), one of the top 10 least neurotic people I'd ever met. Completely open, completely functional, never mentioned any ex-husband or creepy closet skeletons. We seemed to have a lot in common, the sex was great, I was smitten, and I was pretty sure we were moving toward an actual long-term thing.

    So, one Friday night we went out, had a nice time, she stayed at my place. In the morning she left after making plans to meet at her apartment the next afternoon. Called her about noon and she was all bright and normal, and looking forward to the afternoon.

    I arrived about 3:00, and went up to her apartment to find the door open and the place completely empty. Not a stick of furniture, not a dish, nothing. I snooped around for a while and then, as I was leaving, ran into the manager of the building. He was ranting mad because she hadn't paid the rent for months, except with a flurry of bad checks.

    And that was it. Never saw or heard from her again. (This was in the eighties, before cell phones and Google.)

    I was upset at the time, but I'm pretty sure I dodged a bullet.

  73. Dick Nixon Says:

    She was in her mid 20's, divorced, an absolute knockout. We had met the week before through mutual friends. We met for a date at a fancy restaurant. Five minutes into our banal dating conversation she said "look–I'm not marrying you. I'm not marrying anybody. I'm sick of men, and I'm sick of marriage, marriage talk, and marrriage itself–is that clear?"

    OMG. A ceritified crazy one here, thought I. Five minutes into dinner and she's rejecting an imaginary proposal?? I was planning exit strategies when the waiter came to our table. He turned out to be an aquaintance of hers from a the small town she hailed from. She immediatly became the nicest most charming woman I had ever seen as she asked after his family, his parents and siblings.

    Somehow, that conversation broke the ice. Whatever crazy facade she brought to the date was gone. Long story short– we have been married for 27 years with children and grandchildren. She actually was the person that talked to the waiter not the crazy one who started out with a marriage rant. We still tell the story on occasion and laugh our asses off. Worst date, best and most enduring romance.

  74. Amy K Says:

    This actually happened to a friend of mine, but I like the story so much I'm posting it anyway. She met a guy online who lived out beyond the exurbs of our metro area. After a few phone calls she agreed to meet him for dinner at his place. The yard was full of old washing machines and junked-out cars. He had installed a fluorescent shop light over the dining room table. As they were eating their venison steaks, she mentioned how expensive hunting was getting to be. Oh, no, he said, this one was totally free. He fed her road kill.

  75. joel hanes Says:

    @Southern Beale

    I don't recall our date,
    but I regret to learn that you didn't enjoy it.

    I had no idea.

  76. retz Says:

    I have had several of these, but this is one of the worst:

    We met after work and he offered to cook dinner for me. Cheap. Bad sign from the get-go. We went to the grocery store to pick out some food, and I planned to follow him in my car to his house. I guess he didn

  77. retz Says:

    Continued from above (what happened?)

    I guess he didn’t have any food at home, or he wanted to let me decide the menu. God knows. So, he picks out this nice filet mignon, and I gather up items for salad and vegetables. We get to the cashier and I’m in front, he’s putting things on the conveyor belt behind me, and the cashier picks up an empty Styrofoam tray with torn plastic where the steak once was and asks in alarm, “What happened? Did the meat fall out?” I looked up, saw the meat was missing, frowned and looked over at my date. He smiled sheepishly, as the juice from the raw meat dried in stains on his chin.

    The cashier and I looked at each other in a sort of knowing, bonding Horror. Her eyes were like, RUN, Sister, RUN!

    I didn't run just yet. I was too polite. We had dinner (which I made from shrimp and salad) and he complained about my cooking. No. We didn't go out again.

  78. Mackeyser Says:

    @Scott… that actually sounds a smidge like Witness Protection to me. I mean if she had a full apartment and was passing bad checks, she probably didn't have enough money to pay for a "one day moving service" to literally clean the place out. It takes time to fully move an apartment especially if you're working nurse's hours.

    However, when I was in the Navy, I saw a crew of 2 experienced movers break down my and my wife's 2 BR apartment in less than a day. Had they used 8 people and not been worried about skimping on packing materials or boxes like professional movers do, but focused on speed, I'm sure they could have had everything out in a matter of a few hours, tops, right down to the last spoon.

    Bad checks would involve local law enforcement. I suppose she could have just moved everything out over the course of a few nights.

    Still… Witness Protection makes for a better story, I think…

  79. mclaug Says:

    Was in the army going thru my AIT training at fort Devins in Massuchusetts.
    There was this hot MI soldier who I was after for a while. We go for a weekend (first Date) to my Uncles house and I got a nice hotel near buy. She was incredible (ballie dancer before she went into the army). After sex I was admiring here body and I noticed she two thick black hairs on one nipple. I asked do you have to shave those.

    She locked herself crying for basically the rest of the night, the drive home was awefull.

    All I could think was, I am glad I said it after we had sex.

    Does that make me bad?

  80. mclaug Says:

    Should be "locked herself in the bathroom."

  81. SimonC Says:

    mclaug:
    You are an insensitive prick. what you did to her was the equivalent of "I'm not sucking that! One of your balls hangs lower. You freak!"

    If you think your genitals or secondary gender traits are so much better than her hairy nipple then put up or STFU. Pictures or you're just like the rest of us – ordinary.

  82. Chris "Limey" Lewis Says:

    It wouldn't seem so bad McLaug – after all, we all get a case of diahorrea of the mouth and constipation of the brain now and then – if you hadn't added the "qualifier" at the end. Seriously man, know when to finish an anecdote!

  83. mothra Says:

    Oh, this is a stale thread, but I love a good bad date story. I have two. No, three!

    First one: went out with this cat in college. Talked into it by friends. He picks me up, we go to see a movie at the movie theatre in which he works. Which means he doesn't have to pay, but he is certain to tell me he has to pay for concessions I might want. We see some horror movie which he wanted to see–I told him I didn't want to see it, but he didn't care. He tries to makeout during the movie and I fend off his advances. We then go someplace afterwards (I don't remember where) and he wants to "go Dutch." Fuck that shit. He brings me home, tries to kiss me, I decline.

    Date two: Go out with some guy last year of college. We go to a movie, he offers to take me to a bar. I am not yet of age. So we go have ice cream or some shit. I am not all that interested and I don't think he is either, really. He takes me home, asks to come in to use the bathroom and proceeds to attempt a date rape. I knee him in the testicles. Date over.

    Date three: not a first date, but maybe a sixth or seventh. We had gone out to dinner, had drinks, whatever. Go back to my place, start getting busy and he stops and excuses himself to GO PUKE IN THE BATHROOM. Comes back to pick up where he left off. Date over. Friends and I fondly refer to him to this day as "Poke 'n' Puke."

    Good times.

    But Ed. Dude. Give dating a break. It hasn't been that long since the divorce. Just chill. No date is going to be good for you these days.

  84. lm Says:

    Epic thread
    Brings back memories…

  85. blondie Says:

    Worst dates? When I think we're just going to this movie or this bar or this restaurant, maybe not even going together, but just meeting there, and he suddenly asserts that he is paying. For both of us. Oh, yes. Yes, he is. Will brook no resistance. Grabs check, muscles in on tickets/tab. Oh, no. This was never a date. And now it is? Gulp. I don't want this to be a date. Now it's a very uncomfortable pity date, and I can't wait to get home. By myself. I ain't your Sally, Harry.

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