NPF: RUNNING THE GAUNTLET

For reasons that I absolutely do not need to discuss here in any level of detail – but may or may not involve an online dating site, deceptive photos from five years/100 pounds ago, and a bitchy objectivist who smoked menthol cigarettes – I need you to comfort me and bring me cheer by telling me the story of the worst date you have ever been on.

A female friend of mine once went on a blind date on which the guy showed up wearing a cape. Not a costume. He just…wears a cape, I guess.

Who are these people, and where do they come from?

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86 Responses to “NPF: RUNNING THE GAUNTLET”

  1. mrearl Says:

    Worst date? She was Hobbesian: Nasty, brutish, and short.

  2. Ellie Says:

    Well, for starters, the guy who was actually gay and in the closet wasn't a bad date at all. And the fundie Christian Republican Reagan-loving guy actually was pretty nice – just boring and predictable. The cop was actually an okay dude too, at least to me, even though we didn't have much in common (or agree on many issues).

    So…worst date? The emo straight-edge punk musician/writer (of course) who got upset at me (I forget what for, he felt like I "didn't care", or something), went home, and cut up his legs with a razor. And later told me about it on the phone. Turns out, cutting was what "worked" to help him "deal with things". He didn't think it was dysfunctional – "everyone" he knew was also into self-harm. Oooh-kaaay.

    Emo-punk-musician/writer-straight-boy with the razored legs made the gay guy dating a woman, the fundie Republican who asked out an agnostic liberal, and the cop with the poor compatibility-radar all seem like paragons of sanity. It's all relative.

  3. RT Butte Says:

    I worked in the oilfield for a couple years and got out because of the Deepwater Horizon incident (oh god all my nightmares and only 50 miles away). I left my job on a Wednesday, got back to my old stomping grounds, found an attractive lady who was excited about all the money I had made, and did the dinner/movie thing the very next weekend.

    We ended up at a casino hotel with more than a few drinks in us and the entire time we were having sex, she kept making semi-obligatory jokes and references to drilling, which was not the worst part. The worst part was her referring to my ejaculation as "[her] Deepwater Horizon". I forget exactly what she said or even what I did, but I do remember getting my pants back on as quickly as possible and leaving and never talking to her ever again.

  4. merl Says:

    I once had a date with a chick who didn't put out. Worse date ever!!

  5. MBL Says:

    She gave the waiter her number halfway through dinner.

    I think I win.

  6. MBL Says:

    Oh Christ. I just found her blog. SOMEONE TELL ME WHY I DID THAT.

  7. Marc Says:

    Date: So, what are you into?

    Me: Well, I like reading, . . .

    Date: Ah – you're what I call "boring".

  8. PhoenixRising Says:

    -Cop who thought the LEO firing range that had to run me through AFIS first was a hot 2nd date locale? Did her.
    -Classmate who needed her papers "edited", for content, syntax and clarity, who is today a paid journalist despite her inability to produce sentences consistently? Yeah, did her.
    -Former co worker who invited me to stay after her housewarming, presumably toward end of…warming her further…who I fled when my fingers found something else metal after her button fly was…undone? Mostly did her.

    For all the claims that you all like to make, suggesting that men will do a lot of crazy/humilitating things to get laid…apparently it's not just an XY thing. All I can say is, I like girls. The crazy ones didnt deter me back in my dating days.

    Ed, it's all behind me now and I can advise you as follows: you want to go on as many third dates as possible. She's out there.

  9. Greg Says:

    Finally convinced the beauty in my foreign policy class (like you a Poli Sci major, though luckily I bailed after the MA) to go on a date. Fancy dinner. Front row tickets to the Nylons. Back at my house was obvious she disapproved of me for some reason.

    Conversation ends thus:
    "But everyone has their faults."
    "Yes Greg, but I think you have them all."

    Petty perhaps, but she did not enjoy her next class presentation.

  10. Chris "Limey" Lewis Says:

    Screw all this "horrible weirdo-date" crap, who has made an astonishingly bad faux-pas / put their foot in it on a date?

    I dropped the "c-bomb"/"C U Next Tuesday" on the second date with a christian fundamentalist. True story.

  11. Elder Futhark Says:

    Well she was…
    half-bird
    half-fish
    don't really matter which half
    you are toe to toe
    with a cloaca

    She wanted to put out
    something awful
    I obliged her
    and danced the mating dance

    my mind was a million miles away
    as I engaged in horizontal play
    but finally I managed
    to goosh a quart
    up in her egg chamber

    After that
    I did what any red-blooded American boy would do
    I wiped my fat cock head
    covered in egg juice and shit
    on her curtains
    and then I split

  12. Southern Beale Says:

    I got fixed up with a guy who looked great on paper — writer, marathon runner, taught marketing in the communications department of the local university — but he was the most socially retarded, painfully awkward person who ever pretended to function in society that I ever met.

    I think he needed medication. You kinda had to be there.

  13. Tom Says:

    @Southern Beale.

    What makes someone socially retarded and painfully awkward? I think it's the audience, you prude!

  14. Nate Says:

    Cape? I don't want to look like a weirdo. I'll take the muumuu.

  15. Comrade Luke Says:

    I was less than five minutes late and she'd already ordered food and a drink. Half an hour into the date she says she can't decide – should she take the money she's saved up to buy a new car or get liposuction. I'd know this woman 30min.

    What do I win?

    (should've gone with the lipo)

  16. Mister Fork Says:

    Sooner or later every forum lurker sees a thread they have to comment on, and this is it – my favorite worst date was going on a date with my high school ex a couple years after I came back from college. She gorgeous, adorable, and seems to have resolved most of her character flaws from the old days, even apologizes profusely for cheating on me back in the day.

    Which, in retrospect, should really have been a warning sign.

    She spends every 20 minutes on her phone and ignoring it, telling me she has an overprotective friend who wants to know how the date is going. Later, after much making out, she tells me that she's actually married, and she might want to leave her husband for me – who's been calling her trying to figure out where she is. Then I find out her husband is another old friend of mine I haven't talked to in years.

    I got out fast. Found out later she was even 2 months pregnant at the time. But probably the most awkward 2 minutes I've ever spent with a girl's hand down my pants.

  17. TheStone Says:

    Does it count as "story of a worst date" when your date does not show up? If so, yeah, that was probably the worst.

  18. Mayya Says:

    Guy I had one date with tried to get me to go with him to his Amway meeting. Not sure if he was trying to get a commission from signing me up, or showing his friends he knew a real, live girl.

    Probably both.

    When I was young – a very long time ago – I was definitely "hot", and can tell the opposite-side-of-the-coin story about jerks who only asked me out in order to somehow manage to end up at the bar/restaurant hangout of their friends to show off. It's pretty dehumanizing to realize your date regards you as something like a really neat car or an expensive watch, something they have the prowess to "get."

  19. Oceanside Says:

    High school worst: On a first date with a really sweet exchange student. All's going well until he informs me that he knows all American women have AIDS, but he won't insist we use a condom later. Then he tells me that his favorite chore at his host family's house is dish-washing…because he spends the whole time daydreaming of me, sees my face in the plates, and pretends to make out with them.

    College worst: Had a lovely dinner/movie date with a seemingly nice guy. At the end of the evening, he gives me a kiss goodnight and tells me that he likes me so much, if I tell him I feel the same way, he'll go ahead and dump his girlfriend.

  20. vegymper Says:

    In my own web-based dating experience, I found that the crazy/weird/-to-normal ratio was about 10:1. I've kept the normal one almost 11 years since, so Ed, "keep walking"! Oops, sorry the slogan is not about gin…

  21. Neal Deesit Says:

    The worst part was her referring to my ejaculation as "[her] Deepwater Horizon."

    A prudent driller would have been wearing one of those latex "blowout preventers" that are supposed to contain any spills, thereby keeping any wildlife from washing up on the shore of her lady parts 9 months later.

  22. Scott Says:

    So many weird dates, one hardly knows where to begin. Here's one that's not a date, really.

    In my early thirties, I dated a really attractive young woman for almost three months. She was cute, intelligent, hard working (a nurse), one of the top 10 least neurotic people I'd ever met. Completely open, completely functional, never mentioned any ex-husband or creepy closet skeletons. We seemed to have a lot in common, the sex was great, I was smitten, and I was pretty sure we were moving toward an actual long-term thing.

    So, one Friday night we went out, had a nice time, she stayed at my place. In the morning she left after making plans to meet at her apartment the next afternoon. Called her about noon and she was all bright and normal, and looking forward to the afternoon.

    I arrived about 3:00, and went up to her apartment to find the door open and the place completely empty. Not a stick of furniture, not a dish, nothing. I snooped around for a while and then, as I was leaving, ran into the manager of the building. He was ranting mad because she hadn't paid the rent for months, except with a flurry of bad checks.

    And that was it. Never saw or heard from her again. (This was in the eighties, before cell phones and Google.)

    I was upset at the time, but I'm pretty sure I dodged a bullet.

  23. Dick Nixon Says:

    She was in her mid 20's, divorced, an absolute knockout. We had met the week before through mutual friends. We met for a date at a fancy restaurant. Five minutes into our banal dating conversation she said "look–I'm not marrying you. I'm not marrying anybody. I'm sick of men, and I'm sick of marriage, marriage talk, and marrriage itself–is that clear?"

    OMG. A ceritified crazy one here, thought I. Five minutes into dinner and she's rejecting an imaginary proposal?? I was planning exit strategies when the waiter came to our table. He turned out to be an aquaintance of hers from a the small town she hailed from. She immediatly became the nicest most charming woman I had ever seen as she asked after his family, his parents and siblings.

    Somehow, that conversation broke the ice. Whatever crazy facade she brought to the date was gone. Long story short– we have been married for 27 years with children and grandchildren. She actually was the person that talked to the waiter not the crazy one who started out with a marriage rant. We still tell the story on occasion and laugh our asses off. Worst date, best and most enduring romance.

  24. Amy K Says:

    This actually happened to a friend of mine, but I like the story so much I'm posting it anyway. She met a guy online who lived out beyond the exurbs of our metro area. After a few phone calls she agreed to meet him for dinner at his place. The yard was full of old washing machines and junked-out cars. He had installed a fluorescent shop light over the dining room table. As they were eating their venison steaks, she mentioned how expensive hunting was getting to be. Oh, no, he said, this one was totally free. He fed her road kill.

  25. joel hanes Says:

    @Southern Beale

    I don't recall our date,
    but I regret to learn that you didn't enjoy it.

    I had no idea.

  26. retz Says:

    I have had several of these, but this is one of the worst:

    We met after work and he offered to cook dinner for me. Cheap. Bad sign from the get-go. We went to the grocery store to pick out some food, and I planned to follow him in my car to his house. I guess he didn

  27. retz Says:

    Continued from above (what happened?)

    I guess he didn’t have any food at home, or he wanted to let me decide the menu. God knows. So, he picks out this nice filet mignon, and I gather up items for salad and vegetables. We get to the cashier and I’m in front, he’s putting things on the conveyor belt behind me, and the cashier picks up an empty Styrofoam tray with torn plastic where the steak once was and asks in alarm, “What happened? Did the meat fall out?” I looked up, saw the meat was missing, frowned and looked over at my date. He smiled sheepishly, as the juice from the raw meat dried in stains on his chin.

    The cashier and I looked at each other in a sort of knowing, bonding Horror. Her eyes were like, RUN, Sister, RUN!

    I didn't run just yet. I was too polite. We had dinner (which I made from shrimp and salad) and he complained about my cooking. No. We didn't go out again.

  28. Mackeyser Says:

    @Scott… that actually sounds a smidge like Witness Protection to me. I mean if she had a full apartment and was passing bad checks, she probably didn't have enough money to pay for a "one day moving service" to literally clean the place out. It takes time to fully move an apartment especially if you're working nurse's hours.

    However, when I was in the Navy, I saw a crew of 2 experienced movers break down my and my wife's 2 BR apartment in less than a day. Had they used 8 people and not been worried about skimping on packing materials or boxes like professional movers do, but focused on speed, I'm sure they could have had everything out in a matter of a few hours, tops, right down to the last spoon.

    Bad checks would involve local law enforcement. I suppose she could have just moved everything out over the course of a few nights.

    Still… Witness Protection makes for a better story, I think…

  29. mclaug Says:

    Was in the army going thru my AIT training at fort Devins in Massuchusetts.
    There was this hot MI soldier who I was after for a while. We go for a weekend (first Date) to my Uncles house and I got a nice hotel near buy. She was incredible (ballie dancer before she went into the army). After sex I was admiring here body and I noticed she two thick black hairs on one nipple. I asked do you have to shave those.

    She locked herself crying for basically the rest of the night, the drive home was awefull.

    All I could think was, I am glad I said it after we had sex.

    Does that make me bad?

  30. mclaug Says:

    Should be "locked herself in the bathroom."

  31. SimonC Says:

    mclaug:
    You are an insensitive prick. what you did to her was the equivalent of "I'm not sucking that! One of your balls hangs lower. You freak!"

    If you think your genitals or secondary gender traits are so much better than her hairy nipple then put up or STFU. Pictures or you're just like the rest of us – ordinary.

  32. Chris "Limey" Lewis Says:

    It wouldn't seem so bad McLaug – after all, we all get a case of diahorrea of the mouth and constipation of the brain now and then – if you hadn't added the "qualifier" at the end. Seriously man, know when to finish an anecdote!

  33. mothra Says:

    Oh, this is a stale thread, but I love a good bad date story. I have two. No, three!

    First one: went out with this cat in college. Talked into it by friends. He picks me up, we go to see a movie at the movie theatre in which he works. Which means he doesn't have to pay, but he is certain to tell me he has to pay for concessions I might want. We see some horror movie which he wanted to see–I told him I didn't want to see it, but he didn't care. He tries to makeout during the movie and I fend off his advances. We then go someplace afterwards (I don't remember where) and he wants to "go Dutch." Fuck that shit. He brings me home, tries to kiss me, I decline.

    Date two: Go out with some guy last year of college. We go to a movie, he offers to take me to a bar. I am not yet of age. So we go have ice cream or some shit. I am not all that interested and I don't think he is either, really. He takes me home, asks to come in to use the bathroom and proceeds to attempt a date rape. I knee him in the testicles. Date over.

    Date three: not a first date, but maybe a sixth or seventh. We had gone out to dinner, had drinks, whatever. Go back to my place, start getting busy and he stops and excuses himself to GO PUKE IN THE BATHROOM. Comes back to pick up where he left off. Date over. Friends and I fondly refer to him to this day as "Poke 'n' Puke."

    Good times.

    But Ed. Dude. Give dating a break. It hasn't been that long since the divorce. Just chill. No date is going to be good for you these days.

  34. lm Says:

    Epic thread
    Brings back memories…

  35. blondie Says:

    Worst dates? When I think we're just going to this movie or this bar or this restaurant, maybe not even going together, but just meeting there, and he suddenly asserts that he is paying. For both of us. Oh, yes. Yes, he is. Will brook no resistance. Grabs check, muscles in on tickets/tab. Oh, no. This was never a date. And now it is? Gulp. I don't want this to be a date. Now it's a very uncomfortable pity date, and I can't wait to get home. By myself. I ain't your Sally, Harry.

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