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Side story for a second. My favorite movie moment from last year was the dinner between Jason Schwartzman, Mark Wahlberg and a family headed by a strangely bearded Richard Jenkins (the dad from Six Feet Under) in I Heart Huckabee's. I won't give too much of it away, but Schwartzman plays an activist, and Jenkins an electrical engineer, and within minutes of first meeting they are at each others throats.

Both are coming at issues from such completely different starting points that it is impossible to imagine them being able to talk about anything – sprawl means waste to Schwartzman; fighting it means communism and no jobs to Jenkins.

A few minutes later they are thrown out of the house, and that little side-mini drama captures the high level of discourse this past year over everything.

A vote for or against Bush wasn't a vote for or against supple-side economics or interventionist foriegn policy; it was a vote for or against a complete way of seeing the world through faith-based lens.

As such, everybody on both sides spent a good part of 2004 yelling at each other. This award could go to any single one of them, but your Rush Limbaughs were convincing us that liberal are destroying everything for a decade now. So instead I'm naming it the best liberal breakdown and giving it to the person whose change for this year stands out the most: Lawrence O'Donnell.

I'm a "The McLaughlin Group" junkie since high school, and he's been my favorite guy on it for the past few years. He's a nice, polite, smart and clever democrat. His resume has all the things you'd expect in the defender of the democratic party: Senior Advisor to Senator Moynihan, Democratic Chief of Staff of the United States Senate Committee on Finance in the early-to-mid 90s, prodcuer of the West Wing (where he won a few awards for co-writing an episode about the death penalty).

Being on a show with Pat Buchanan, you'd expect him to match his level, but instead he would contain himself. Until this past year. Here are two instances of his year-long meltdown.

First off, the first Mclaughlin Group after the Kerry loss (airdate nov. 5th):

MR. O'DONNELL: But the big problem the country now has, which is going to produce a serious discussion of secession over the next 20 years, is that the segment of the country that pays for the federal government is now being governed by the people who don't pay for the federal government.
MR. BLANKLEY: Did you say secession?
MR. BUCHANAN: (Laughs.)
MR. O'DONNELL: Yes, yes.
MR. BLANKLEY: Are you calling for civil war?
MR. O'DONNELL: Ninety — not war; you can secede without firing a shot.
MR. BLANKLEY: Not if you have a Lincoln in the White House.

MR. O'DONNELL: Ninety percent of the red states are welfare client states of the federal government. They collect more from the federal government than they send in. New York and California, Connecticut, the states that are blue are all the states that are paying for the bulk of everything this government does, from the ward of Social Security to everything else, and the people in those states don't like what this government is doing.
MR. BUCHANAN: (Off mike.)
MR. MCLAUGHLIN: Let him finish!
MR. O'DONNELL: That cannot hold.

Going to one of my favorite commentators days after the Kerry loss (remember how sad of a day that was?) and having him call for a civil war did not cheer me up one bit. The rest of the commentators were a bit stunned. But I should have known that he was going to be intense that day, because I had seen over the internet him tear apart the head of the Swift Boat Vets on Scarborough Country (with guest host Pat Buchanan). Trust me – watch this video. Keep in mind that this man writes and produces The West Wing – 99% of the time he is smiling politely while discussing poltics. Not this time (follow the image link through to the media file):

Although Buchanan issued an apology, I cheered after seeing that clip, but that was before the election. After the secession talk, I was a little worried about Mr. O'Donnell, and he wasn't on the Mclaughlin Group for about two months – thankfully he was there for the Year End special, in which his resolution for 2005 was to not call people liars, unless they deserve it.

Good to have the man back.

Hey guys. A few quick things. One is that ginandtacos.com has redone it's xml and rdf feeds, so if you are into doing that thing you can get notified to changes quicker and preview them. I use sharp reader for pc and various mac apps; these feeds haven't really been tested with the firefox live bookmarks/sage that everyone is using; so if there are problems drop a line and we'll clean it up.

Two is that I wrote about my favorite documentary of last year, LA Plays Itself, but there wasn't anyway that I could write about it without just going nuts for 2-3 pages, and since about 200 people saw it last year I've quarantined it off to the movie page and started it with commentary about the 77th annual Oscars nominees to give you something to go with.

The staff is also preparing something big, possibly for next week or the week after.
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Stay tuned.

That said, down here in central Illinois we have a radio station 107.1 with the call WPGU. Having lived in this town for nearly 8 years now, I can say with near certainty that it spent the majority of its life sucking. I am not talking about your typical run of the mill sucking, I am referring to that rare and special, Dennis Miller trying to get the conservative viewers sucking.

We are talking about a radio station that would play whatever flaming pile of shit billboard had recently placed onto its top 40 list. Showing little regard for theme or continuity, the radio station resembled the musical equivilent of a portal to hell being cracked open on the Earth's surface spewing whatever minion of satan happened to be first in line.

So anyway…

You can imagine my surprise when sometime late last summer I tuned in to the station to find that they were playing music that I actually enjoyed. I thought that I had entered into some odd parallel universe. They were playing Elvis Costello, The Jam, The Dead Kennedys, and all sorts of other fantastic artists never before heard on 107.1 in its "The Planet" incarnation. I felt like the "Friends" on the episode with the free porn. I honestly believed that if I turned off the radio this magical dream would end and I would once again have to listen to Creed, or Hoobastank or whoever the hell it was that made 107.1 sound like a constipated old man after having eaten a Grande Meal from Taco Bell. However, I was thrilled to find out that this was not in fact a wonderful dream (the good music, not the constipated man) 107.1 had changed their format. The station actually had DJ's choosing music and talking about it instead of mindless computer generated shit.

Considering this, I was amazed to see that in the school newspaper today an opinion columnist was complaining about the new format and calling for a reversion to the "good old days" (yes, this time I am referring to the constipated man).

This blew my mind. It is one of those revelations that force you to rethink the entire framework of how you view the world. While I have always known of the existence of bands like Incubus, I have never truly been able to figure out how someone can listen to them. Much like attempting to reconcile how light can simultaneously be a wave and a particle, I had to make some assumptions.

Postulate 1:
Whereas Incubus et al. suck the ass of various domesticated and wild animals.
and Such musical groups have fans.
Said fans must have such ambivalence toward their music that it is impossible for them to have any deeply felt opinions.

Now, much as Einstein's photoelectric theory paved the way in quantum mechanics for a substance to be both a wave and a particle, Chris Kozak (ckozak@uiuc.edu) has come along, revolutionized the field, and forced us to think about the possibility of people simultaneously enjoying shitty music, and having an opinion about it.

It would seem useless for me to, at this point, attempt to refute Mr. Kozak's theories music and the like. If you agree with him, I would wonder how you ended up on this site in the first place. If you don't, the reasons why his article is exceptionally ridiculous should be abundantly apparent.

However, it seems like I would be shirking my responsibility if I did not at least point out some highlights.

The winners of 1992 who are apparently all that college students should be listening to.

"How many students regularly listen to or have even heard of bands like Ambulance Ltd., Rilo Kiley and Of Montreal? I certainly have not."

A lot. It is mysterious that he knows their names yet has not heard of them. Perhaps this fellow should realize that it is actually A GOOD THING that the student radio station is introducing people to new music that they have not heard before.

"Another common theme in Indie music is band names beginning with the word "The." Gracing the WPGU play list are songs from bands named The Delays, The Faint, The Good Life, The Music, The Postal Service, The Stills – and don't get confused now – The Thrills. Do you know these juggernauts? Me neither."

Well played sir, making fun of the typical them of "The" and a plural noun. Really, no one had noticed that before. I hear that effects how their music sounds. (oh yes, Incubus- the evil spirit that has sex with women as they sleep- is a fantastic band name) Let me take this moment to point out that it was here in the article that it became abundantly obvious that Mr. Kozak had simply looked at the WPGU current music list from their website and made whatever joke immediately came to mind.

What really got me, was the fact that this fellow seemed offended that the local radio station played local music he hadn't heard of.

This honestly made me sick. We have a fantastic music scene in this town. How are these local musicians to be expected to get any sort of following if the college station in their town won't play their music because a few assholes don't think it is a good party mix to drink Busch Light to?

For Christ's fucking sake, here is a list of local bands who have release fantastic albums recently (mostly in the last year)

Yes, I know I probably forgot some, but I made the list quickly. Still a decent list. We have great live venues like The Highdive, and for fucks sake, lets be thrilled that we now have a radio station that actually promotes the bands playing there.

As a final note: Jesus Christ, Chris Kozak could you have any worse taste? Oh wait yes, you could, in your previous column you were lamenting the loss of R&R's and the Shark Bowl. Please just graduate quickly and leave this town as fast as you possibly can.

Letters in the Daily Illini today in response:
Erik Kraft– "Where's Hootie"
Jim Finnerty, program director at WPGU -"Letter: to WPGU listeners"

2004 Sucked. That's ok because (a) 2005 is already much better and (b) there were some good things that happened last year, of which I'll put to (electronic) paper over the next week so I can remember those and forget the rest.

First off, the DVR. Although I've been around cable television for as long as I remember, after college I never signed up for it (I would make my parents tape the HBO shows I watched). Part of me would like to think this is a result of some sort of "there is nothing ever good on why aren't you reading more Proust?" cultural snobbery, but I really know it was more out of behavior avoidance to prevent myself from ending up awake at 3am, 50 pounds heavier, watching Carson Daly count down the top 70 moments of 1993.

In walks the DVR, a TIVO-like device offered through our comcast service. It tapes up to 80 hours, up to two channels at time. Whatever interface issues people complained about in the past have more or less disappeared, and anybody who can navigate a computer can handle this.

It makes it so that you can enjoy TV on your own time/on your own terms. Everyone who has one of these things raves about it, so I'll limit myself to a few things about specific shows that have changed since I started DVRing them.

First off, you can become a master at watching shows in fast-forward. I can watch 8 hours of Gilmore Girl in 30 minutes, stopping only to stare and blush at the scenes with Lane Kim in them. Thanks to the internet, I can use episode guides to find which episodes of Beavis and Butthead have the videos that cracked me up 10 years ago and see if they still do (they still do – "these guys are called smashing pumpkins, but they aren't smashing anything" – brilliant!).

One of the biggest impact is reserved for those shows where the parts that are good are completely seperated, like oil and water, from that parts that are awful. Which brings me to Boston Legal. I never watched The Practice until it's last year, where James Spader was brought on to try and breath new life into the failing show. Legend has it that David E. Kelley offered Spader a job playing a lawyer immediately after seeing "Secretary" for the first time; this makes sense as the vaguely sinister, sexually deviant, somewhat likeable but morally challenged character Alan Shore seems straight out of that movie. Later brought, of all people, William Shatner as the powerful, though possibly senile, named law partner Denny Crane. The show got cancelled anyway.

Rather than throw the baby out with the bathwater, ABC decided to take these two new characters and build a show around them. With no history of Awards and Strong Moral Dramatic Situations that The Practice evidently had going for it, Spader and Shatner are free to chew the scenery as much as they'd like (while poor Odo tries to keep them in check). Shatner (who just got a Golden Globe for this role) tells a jury that he hates old people, and that the jury can go ahead and find the drug company civilly-liable as they'll just increase the price of medication to cover the judgement. James Spader waxes reflectively on his love affair with a midget ("best two years of my life") and his "frequent flyer miles" he gets with the local escort agency with a reptilian charm you can't quite stop watching. buy priligy Canada buy priligy online no prescription

The rest of the show is a photocopy of a photocopy of any of those crappy David E. Kelley lawyer shows for which the fast-forward button was designed. There's some idealistic young lawyer with big boobs, there's some hard-headed "my-way-or-the-highway" lawyer that has a short skirt, and so on. Evidently not everyone watches Boston Legal via DVR, as ABC is now gutting the show a bit to keep the women making "Desperate Housewives" (the lead-in show) a huge-hit around for a second hour of TV.

The last weeks have seen the firing of one of the super-model women lawyers, Candice Bergen entering as a regular playing another named partner to rival Mr. Shatner, and one episode in which a women playing Spader's secretary (whose likeness to Maggie Gyllenhaal is notable) complaining that Spader is sexually harassing her (the in-joke is quite funny). It may be enough to keep the show interesting in the long run.

The ability to fast-forward through crap is one of the big selling points of the DVR, but I find it equally useful in re-visiting scenes that need a second (or third) viewing. So far, every episode of Boston Legal has ended with Spader and Shatner at night, seated in bubble chairs on the roof, cigars and brandy in hand, contemplating the events of the show against the void of the Boston skyline. The snark and defenses of the characters are dropped for that moment, and it's usually quite touching. It's certainly interesting enough for a mutiple viewing via the rewind-button.

(that went long – sorry, later in the week is best documentary, and best liberal breakdown, among others. stay tuned)

We can be almost certain that this is one of those times where we are supposed to be shocked and appalled. We are meant to be in a state of outrage at how horribly misled we were by the liberal media- at least this is what I think I should be feeling.

I imagine that I would have been slightly upset to learn that CBS did "possibly" have a political agenda when they ran a story about George Bush's National Guard service if it hadn't been painfully obvious from the beginning that they had a political agenda all along. If anyone in this country gave even the tiniest of shits about what Dan Rather and CBS had to say maybe I would care a little more. If it weren't for the fact that all of us fundamentally have the gut feeling that there is , in fact, something amazingly dubious about Mr. Bush's military service then perhaps I would take the time out of my only moderately busy schedule to be slightly bothered.

All this aside, I am actually kind of impressed by how the CBS report is being handled. Perhaps media outlets are too wrapped up in being scandalized by Randy Moss's display of pantomime mooning during the Vikings/ Packers game, or perhaps it is because in their hearts they know that despite the fact that this particular document was forged, the general theme was probably true. This we will never know.

Traditional assclown extraordinaire Chris Matthews seemed to take up some kind of preemptive position. Does anyone know where this Jackass stands politically, because I sure as hell can't figure it out? He apparently was proclaiming that talk radio was going to instantly lambaste the report for being soft on Dan Rather. He also seemed to be making fun of the bizarrely conservative nature of America’s highways- insinuating that the airwaves would be locked up with truckers calling Limbaugh to complain about the "liberal media."

Limbaugh however took a somewhat uexpected, mild tone. Instead of commenting that the report was inaccurate or biased, he was largely talking about how no one media outlet can influence the American mindset. He took this opportunity to point out that Dan Rather, as opposed to being some great liberal mastermind, is just disconnected and irrelevant.

It is amazing how after the election, when he no longer has to stump for Bush, Limbaugh has decided to again enter the realm of the moderately sane and self aggrandizing and forego his former position of complete fat deaf lunatic. I honestly believe that due to his position prior to the 2000 election that Limbaugh hates George Bush nearly as much as he hates the "dems" and "libs". To be perfectly fair, any liberal minded individual who is frustrated by how castrated and ineffectual modern liberals seem might actually find themselves agreeing with this ridiculous bastard quite often.

Poor fellow even looks a bit like Tom Daschle…

My favorite comment on this situation was made by the Chicago reporter for the ABC affiliate WLS am, Jim Johnson. He was thrilled that media bias was out in the open. This is where I always have stood on this issue. I want my media as biased as is physically possible. I want to know exactly where a particular outlet stands before I waste my time watching listening or reading.

Jim Johnson was not frustrated that CBS might be liberal but rather that organizations like Fox continue to maintain that they are "fair and balanced." Its true. I have no problem with Fox being conservative, it is the absurd claim that they are not that makes me want to take out Rupert Murdock with a 12 gauge. With Bill OReilly and Sean Hannity prancing around in some astounding display of little bitchery while proclaiming that they represent the truth and an unbiased opinion, it is all I can do to keep my bowels from rupturing.

Anyway, take it as you will. CBS might or might not be liberal. Lets hope they are. Dan Rather might or might not have had anything to do with this debacle- does anyone care?

To pretend that media is ever unbiased is about the most ridiculous thing that I have ever heard. Was there really a need for an outside investigation? Could CBS have just fired the people they knew screwed up months ago and said "Yes, we are liberal- fuck you. If you don't like it, you are probably watching Fox anyway."

Since today is the day that they announced the 77th annual Oscar nominees, it seems as good as any day for me to discuss my favorite documentary of 2004. Since it was seen in about a dozen places across the country, and may or may not be legal for the director to sell (more on that in a minute), I'll keep it short and also discuss the Oscars.

This year look like every other Oscar with the normal Oscar bait movies sweeping every category. This is odd, as dragging out the same old guys from the 70s is getting tired. Look at the guys who are sweeping the nominations. I'll defend Clint Eastwood to the bitter end, but Scorsese and Nichols haven't made any real cinematic gems since 1976 (excluding HBO TV for Nichols, and count Goodfellas if you must). These are the same guys who had their decade 35 years ago, but it's time for something new to step on the stage.

With last year's welcome reception of indie-spirited "Lost in Translation" and under-the-radar critical hits "City of God" and "House of Sand and Fog" to the normal mix of contenders, I thought perhaps this may be the year that things change up. But after seeing Huckabee's and Zissou and realizing, no matter what I thought of them, that they were in no way ready for prime-time, I was wondering what the Academy would due to stay relevant for our culture.
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Which is to say, that i'm very happy they didn't nominate The Passion of the Christ for everything, which is something I was very worried about. They nominated it for makeup (how much like a horror movie!), and instead nominated a bunch of guys who were really good at some point – just not right now. Granted The Passion may have made for a more interesting evening, but I'm comfortable with it's awfulness not getting held up to higher scrutiny.

I am surprised at the obvious pandering of giving Jamie Foxx a nomination for both Best Actor and Best Supporting Actor. Especially since he was the main Actor, not Supporting, in Collateral.
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Collateral was at it's best when showing the extended range of Los Angeles, the way the city goes on and on in all directions, and does it with a digital camera (giving hope for all of us running around with 3-ccds trying to make something decent) that improves on poor-quality tape instead of trying to mimic it, and in that sense, it's fair to consider Los Angeles the main actor in that movie.

Which brings me to the documentary in question, LA Plays Itself. This is a documentary by Calarts film professor Thom Andersen, combing over the depiction of the city of Los Angeles exclusively through movie clips set in the city he has taken from the past 100 years. It is three hours of clips of movies with narration over it, trying to makes sense of it all in various directions. It is dense, complicated, and difficult to follow at points. It is wonderful.

Some of the threads that Anderson tries to draw throughout the movie are depictions of police, from old Dragnet movies/tv episodes, and how they change around the time of Rodney King (the conclusion of "they become bizarre" is evident from the number of "Psycho Killer LAPD Cop" movies that are made, best shown by the T-1000 in Terminator 2).

He goes to the throat of the condescension of Woody Allen; he shows how foreign directors approach the city. He watches as the views of the idyllic place to go and live in the mid-century turn into the dystopic and dysfunctional land it has become in popular culture, and traces it to teenage culture and recessions. He contrasts liberal middle-class movies (think Alan Alda teaching his son to drive) with seldom-seen minorities and immigrant directors with the desperation and harsh humanity of Cassavetes.

Most importantly, Anderson loves his city in the way that acknowledges the bad but appreciates the good, and it shows in this movie. Coming from Chicago, a city that has a give-and-take relationship for it's identity from popular culture, I can appreciate this. Chicago is many things if you know about it solely from the media: fat and ignorant (*da bears!*), a collection of desperate or happy-go-lucky suburbs (American Beauty's 847 area-code, everything John Hughes has done), a great place for suburban kids to hang out (Ferris Bueller), the strangest mix of urbanity and the western-frontier with class anxieties (Blues Brothers).

I want to say that this is the best documentary I've seen this decade. It may be true for a longer period of time, but there is something very new century about it.
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The internet has a lot of the kinks out of it, and we can now start to piece things together from varying sources to find something new – and the movie does have a feel of a very intense google search about it, piecing together elements faster than you can handle them.

The film does get very geeky at points, which is either a plus or a minus depending on your mindset. I'm not going to bother to convince you on those merits. I love statements like this realization of Blade Runner – "Perhaps [the reasons people still really are into Blade Runner] is that it makes us nostalgic for a dystopia that won't exist…instead of living in giant overrun cities with public transportation, we live in disconnected suburbs with no identity…instead of technology being dangerous and sexy, it is just efficient and takes away our jobs." which clarifies something about that movie that you were probably sort of thinking.

Now there's going to be a problem that's obvious; this movie seems custom made for film geeks, people who can measure their lives in movies and genres and influences and cinema trends. But it's also made for anyone who has a strong connection to any city. I'm very glad I got to see it in downtown Chicago. The movie had me leaving the theater extremely conscious of my experience of place, something that had never happened to me before with seeing a movie. I had to walk around for a while just go get my bearings straight. That feeling of having everything you felt going into the theater getting knocked on it's ass is probably the best thing you can hope for from a movie.

As this movie is entirely of clips of other movies, it may have a problem getting released on dvd (though i'm sure it'll show up somehow). I'll get you word when, and if, it does show up for netflix or online. Until then, here are two reviews of the movie that are worth reading. And thanks for making it this far :)

Collateral Damage: Los Angeles Continues Playing Itself

Interview: The Reality of Film

As people were leaving for a holiday weekend (I am pretty sure this is about every other weekend there) in Madrid, 5 bombs went off. This is your good ol' classic terrorism. The terrorists politely called and informed the police that they were placing bombs in gas stations on highways leading away from Madrid. They even correctly informed the police that the bombs were going to go off at 5:30pm.

Yes, that’s right. The Basque separatists are back to inform the world that there are terrorist groups in places other than the Middle East. Also seemingly showing those Al Qaeda bastards what good gentlemanly terrorism is supposed to look like.

More to the point, I have been listening to conservative pundits this morning informing their elderly am radio listening audience that this should be taking as proof that the Spaniards are idiots. Yes, I know what you are thinking. There is a lot of truth to this statement. On the whole, I think the Spanish are highly untrustworthy (primarily due to several I have had in classes with me, and yes, I am judging an entire nation based upon the actions of three individuals one of whom I later found out was from Argentina- this is not the point). The moral is, people like Roger Hedgecock, (I think) who is guest hosting Rush Limbaugh's show today, has insinuated that this is due to Spain's electoral response to terrorism and their pull or support from Iraq. Clearly this is evidence by the fact that bombs have exploded in Madrid but not New York.

One can only hope this is an opinion only held by the most insane and uninformed of conservatives. I honestly believe that if Mr. Limbaugh himself had been hosting the show he would have shot down callers insinuating this connection. That man isn't quite as insane as people give him credit for.

This whole situation did get me thinking about the stat e of terrorism in the world today. You have the ETA, Hamas, and to a lesser degree anymore the IRA. These groups actually have some kind of nationalist agenda. The ETA and IRA both have publicly denounced terrorist attacks resulting in civilian casualties- claiming said practices are counter productive. The key to these groups is that they actually want something. They consider themselves soldiers for their "nation". Now you look at Al Qaeda. Can someone tell me what the hell these people want?

Is there really anything that we can do other than attempt to kill them all?

Is George Bush actually right on this one? I refuse to believe this. Back in high school I remember reading an op ed article relating to terrorism in the UK that postulated the obvious.

Terrorism is bred from economic desperation.
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People with nice houses and large imported cars tend to not want to blow themselves up. Is this just my western bias? I don't know, but my gut instinct is sending our military into the Middle East and making their situation even more desperate is not helping the situation.

Any thoughts?

I'm so sorry that this is a week late. Seasonal issues, computer breakdown, work deadlines and (of course) Half-life 2 all contributed to keep this eulogy from being on time.

First Off: Visit the ODB 1998 Timeline if you haven't already. Second: This won't be an obituary – this will simply be several stories throughout the next day or two as to why we love Ol' Dirty the way we do. If you don't get it after this week, you never will.
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As many of you are fellow office workers waiting it out until the holiday (is everyone's office as dead as mine?) these will run long with many multi-media links to keep you entertained, and will be updated through Wednesday. Enjoy.

The Poster

For Christmas several years ago Ed got me a Ol’ Dirty Bastard "N***a Please" poster. He was a little disappointed that, as a result of keeping it in his trunk during the winter, it had gotten a little water damaged from the snow.
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I said that it was fine; a water-damaged ODB poster is far superior to a mint poster.
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I immediately took it to the prestigious frame show in the ghetto Urbana Lincoln Square Mall. The little old lady who ran the place usually worked with a different type of customer. I walked up to the counter and asked for their gaudiest, cheapest frame that they had. Sure enough, she was able to pick out the perfect one, which hangs on my wall to this day:

While trying to convince me on the merits of this specific cheap gaudy frame, she noted that this one would be a good one because, and I'll never forget this quote, “it will bring out the gold in his jumpsuit.” And damn if she wasn’t right.

She also noted that the poster was water-damaged. I wanted to make up an elaborate story about how it was an old family heirloom that was damaged during the Civil War, but I just said "oh yes, I know" to the poor old lady.

In Heaven

While discussing with some friends Ol' Dirty's chances of making into a Christian Heaven, I proposed that he has a pretty good chance of making it. Why? With the dozens of illegitimate children he has fathered, he can claim that he has followed the Pope's doctrine against using contraceptives throughout his life. It's as good of a chance as the man is going to have to get in there.
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