ED RESPONDS TO A CLINTON DEAD-ENDER

Posted on | by Ed | 18 Comments on ED RESPONDS TO A CLINTON DEAD-ENDER

Back when George Bush pardoned Scooter Libby, I had the misfortune of attracting a loon – first as a commenter and then as an emailer. This person's ax to grind was her (extraordinarily novel) interpretation of Article II, Section 2, Clause 1 of the Constitution:

and he shall have power to Grant Reprieves and Pardons for Offenses against the United States, except in Cases of Impeachment.

She insisted that this meant that Libby could not be pardoned…because George W. Bush might potentially be impeached and Libby could potentially maybe be called to possibly testify in such a hypothetical impeachement. I began by politely explaining how goddamn retarded that is and that I have consistently heard better arguments from Rush Limbaugh callers.

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A dozen insane emails later, she finally dropped it…but not until she added me to the mailing list of her horrendous website! Seriously, have you ever seen a more poorly laid-out website? Autistic, farsighted apes could do better. Anyway, thus began my 3-year quest to stop getting emails from this deranged person who I can only assume lives in a haunted mansion with 27 cats.

Three years of spam later, it finally bore fruit; hilarious, amazing comedy fruit. An Open Letter to Hillary Clinton. I like Open Letters! I've written several on this site. So I figured, OK, I'll actually open this email! Maybe I can find some common ground with this Bea Arthur-after-multiple-concussions.

Senator Clinton,

First, thank you. Your steadfastness, your courage, your grace have been an inspiration to me, even though I was not originally a supporter of yours.

OK, I wouldn't exactly call April and May "graceful" on HRC's part, but I'm glad a candidate inspired you. What a positive beginning. I predict that the letter will go uphill from here.
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I have an idea that I want to share with you about what you can do going forward that could possibly end up give you more power to effect the kind of change you want to make in this country than you could ever have in elected office, perhaps even the office of president.

Still OK so far. This sounds constructive! And very appropriate given that she has effectively buried her own political career. She needs a new direction. I'm looking forward to this.

First of all, please don’t drop out of the race.

Oh, fuck. I just pooped a little.

Anything can happen between now and August

Ask RFK! Wink Wink Wink!!!

including the chance that the Republicans might jump the gun on their oppo research, and Obama’s negative ratings rise so high that even the Kool-Aid drinkers among the superdelegates would have to pay attention.

Yeah! That's definitely what the DNC/Delegates should do…look at some mid-July opinion polling (suspend disbelief for a moment and pretend Obama polls poorly) and then switch candidates!!! Holy shitballs, Carolyn Kay. You are a genius! I can't believe you are not a highly-paid political strategist. Your party needs you and your Cat-Powered Idea Machine. What could work better than switching candidates in mid-campaign!???!!!!11!!???

Leave the option open to challenge the DNC’s unfair and possibly illegal handling of the delegates from Michigan and Florida.

Oh FUCK YEAH, you gotta leave open the possibility of letting the lawsuits fly!! Especially to challenge something "possibly illegal," like when Libby was pardoned!
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I cannot think of anything that would make HRC more popular than to start filing lawsuits and attempt to win the nomination in court.

Second, even if it’s offered, don’t accept a vice presidency.

We indirectly totally agree about this! Don't worry, no one in the Obama camp wants anything to do with that race-baiting nutbar and she won't be on the ticket unless the superdelegates force it. But you really give great career advice, too! I mean, what kind of idiot would take a job a heartbeat away from the presidency?? You should work for Monster.com writing a column called How to Spot and Subsequently Shit On Great Opportunities.

I don’t think it will be offered

Amen, tard-o!

because there seems to be some inexplicible but visceral hatred of you and President Clinton in the Obama camp.

Inexplicible? Visceral, yes. But do you really not understand it? You were sentient and awake during March, April, and May yet you don't understand the hatred? I have a mentally retarded friend who needs to have episodes of Full House explained to him. He just called me and said "I totally understand why Obama and his supporters hate Clinton" before eating another sporkful of modeling clay.

But even if it is offered, it would be used as a way to marginalize you. I don’t what that to happen.

No better way to bury someone away from the public eye like making him or her the Vice Goddamn President of The United States of America. Marginalization City, population: THE FUCKING VICE PRESIDENT.

Third, you are in a position to harness the voting, lobbying, and donation power of 17 million people to force more real change than I see coming from the so-called change candidate.

Most of those 17 million people are smarter than you, and they will get over their little hissy fits in a couple of days. They'll ask themselves a question, namely "Do I like Obama better than McCain?" They'll say yes and they'll vote for the guy you think they hate. See, only the true believers are willing to go to the end in the Fuhrerbunker (metaphor!) Everyone else flees the advancing Soviet army (metaphor!) when the cause is clearly lost. Only a couple of people are willing to enter the bunker and stick around for the bitter, gun-in-mouth end. Hitler, Eva Braun (metaphor!) and Goebbels (Lanny Davis. Also, Metaphor!) are going to fight to the death. Everyone else says "Yeah, fuck this. Let's go find some Americans and surrender. I'm not eating a bullet for this asshole." Those 17 million people aren't "true believers" like you think. That's just you, Lanny Davis, and Hillary. Christ, even Bill's going to abandon ship. Fucking CARVILLE abandoned ship. Carville. James Carville. Why? Because he's not an idiot and he doesn't feel like becoming persona non grata in his party. His own career is (shockingly) more important to him than going down in flames with Crazypantsuits.

Many of us are very angry at how you’ve been treated, and you could use that anger to build a grassroots organization

No, because everyone except you is going to GET OVER IT in a couple of days. Lanny Davis won't. If he doesn't eat cyanide, this grassroots organization is going to be you and Lanny Davis sitting around a rickety old card table bitching and moaning about the conspiracies to take down Hillary.

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that could rival MoveOn.org in size and influence.

Right, like MoveOn but without the popular issue positions! Also, without the 17 million people who are all going to get over it and start supporting Obama! Also, without the influence because Hillary's going to turn herself into a pariah!

We could remain within the Democratic Party,

That's big of you. No Lieberman-esque independent campaign?

but a force to be reckoned with, to push a legislative agenda that is more in keeping with what is needed to make Americans’ lives better.

Like that gas tax holiday! And…..those other issues HRC talked about? Help me out here. All I remember is the race-baiting.

I would be very proud to help you build such an organization.

And how could it fail with a mind like yours? I can think of a few more productive ways to spend Democrats' time and resources. Like loading 100,000 Democrats and $100 million onto an oil tanker and ramming it into a jagged rock at full speed in icy waters.

Carolyn Kay
MakeThemAccountable.com

Thanks for playing. Also, TAKE ME OFF YOUR FUCKING EMAIL LIST.

Regards,
Ed

STENOGRAPHY

Posted on | by Ed | 1 Comment on STENOGRAPHY

In the midst of the Scott McClellan book and media tour we're seeing one of my favorite cultural trainwrecks: the Media Searches it Soul show. Colbert called it "Media Culpa" but I think that is a misnomer; nowhere have I seen anyone admit fault or apologize. All I've seen, as Glenn Greenwald notes, are phony introspection, self-absolution, and aggressive defensiveness.

Greenwald notes the example of Charles Gibson, who you might remember as the bag of dick hair who made the Pennsylvania Democratic debate one of the saddest spectacles since Godfather III. In the video you can see Gibson bristle and note how skeptical and incisive the corporate media were:

I think the questions were asked. I respectfully disagree with the gentle lady from the Columbia Broadcasting System. I think the questions were asked. . . . I can remember getting in trouble with administration officials for asking questions they didn't feel comfortable with.

Wow, he was so tough that he actually drew the ire of the people whose ire he is paid to draw! It would be funny enough that he'd brag about a few tough questions thusly, but it's even funnier when we go back and see the questions Gibson asked:

Specifically, of all the biological and chemical weapons that he outlined, and the means of delivery, what's the most frightening? Should be the most frightening?

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How compromised are the inspectors there? Are they totally infiltrated by Iraqi intelligence?

Oh man, the administration must have been walking funny after that no-lube reaming! But wait, it got even tougher!

CHARLES GIBSON
James Woolsey, the Iraqis immediately challenged a lot of what was shown, said it was altered, said it was doctored. The international community — do they know that stuff was genuine?

JAMES WOOLSEY
Oh, anybody who is objective about this I think does. The people who now doubt whether or not Saddam really has WMD programs, chemical and bacteriological, in particular, are really of two types, either they work for Saddam or they're doing a human imitation of an ostrich. There really are, I think, no other possibilities.

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It amazes me that Gibson would be stupid enough to get defensive when he knows damn well how easy it is to find every word these people have ever said on the air. While it would be like taking candy from a baby to point out the miles of fawning, supplicating, obsequious questions the media asked or the slack-jawed credulity and naïveté with which they swallowed this bullshit, I'm more troubled by a throwaway line in the Greenwald piece. Sayeth Gibson:

It was just a drumbeat of support from the administration. And it is not our job to debate them; it's our job to ask the questions.

If this isn't everything wrong with American society in 20 words or less, I don't know what is. So much of what I do on this website boils down to asking, What the fuck happened to this country? Well the answer is, this. This is what the fuck happened to us.

The media, which fill perhaps the most vital role in our democratic system, have managed to redefine their job and abdicate the overwhelming majority of it. Actually, Chuck, your job is not to "ask the questions." It is to ask the questions, record the answers, and then (and here's the key part) figure out whether or not said answers are true. This often involves "research" and "reporting." It means giving up the child-like faith (or is it simple laziness?) that Official Sources are telling the truth.

Instead the media have subcontracted the skepticism – that part of the job has been farmed out. To whom? Well, to you and I. Their role is stenography. It's our job as viewers to figure out whether or not what we read or see is true. In other words, "We Report, You Decide" has become more than a slogan. It's a professional creed, an industry-wide motto. Don't be Biased, don't be Critical, don't Take Sides, and never make the sources angry (how can we deliver hard-hitting news without access??

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). Just write down what they say – write it down nice and accurately.
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Let the viewers, most of whom would rather be distracted with bright colors and moving objects than deal with reality, do the vetting.

The saddest part is that they don't even understand why they're being criticized. There is an overwhelming sense of not only defensiveness but also a good deal of "What, what did we do?" cluelessness. They honestly don't see the problem given that they fulfilled all of the requirements of contemporary journalism: keeping the advertisers happy, keeping the people they cover happy, repeating what they're told, and constantly checking the ratings to make sure that the public is being told what it wants to hear. Sorry to burst the bubble, but journalists' primary functions are to irritate elected officials who sell the public a ration of shit and tell the public what it needs, not wants, to know.

MISDIRECTED VIGILANCE

Posted on | by Ed | 4 Comments on MISDIRECTED VIGILANCE

When you hear the phrase "domestic terrorism" – Americans committing acts of terrorism against other Americans – what image springs to mind? Unhinged loners mailing pipe bombs from a tar paper shack? "Freemen" compounds in Montana? KKK night raids? NWO-obsessed survivalists plotting to violently secede from the Union? Christian Identity white supremacists going on shooting sprees, bombing clinics, and blowing up Federal courthouses? That's what I picture. But I'm way off; this is domestic terrorism. Or this.

Our FBI considers "eco-terrorists" to be the "#1 domestic terrorism threat," apparently believing that arson-related property damage (oh my!) is a better indicator of future danger than the right-wing militia/survivalist/nutcase/racist movement's impressive body count over the past three decades. Despite 168 dead in OKC, Alan Berg , or a neo-Nazi driving around shooting every brown person he could find, these groups apparently have failed to convince our law enforcement establishment that they are a serious threat. They have had the good sense, among all the Jew-killing and courthouse-detonating and minority-terrorizing, to avoid torching any restaurants that serve foie gras or spray-painting any fur coats.

To wit: the FBI's 11 Most Wanted Domestic Terrorists. Let's quickly break down the list.

Rodney Bridgeforth: "Black Liberation Army", in connection with a 1971 assault
Joanne Chesimard: "Black Liberation Army", convicted of murder and escaped in 1973
Avelino and Noberto Gonzalez-Claudio: 1985 bank robbery for "Puerto Rican separatist group"
Leo Burt: 1970 Sterling Hall bombing in Madison in protest of Vietnam War
Elizabeth Duke: 1970s Baader-Meinhof style Marxist group; not wanted in connection with any violent crime
Daniel San Diego: Earth/Animal Liberation Front – arson
Rebecca Rubin: Earth/Animal Liberation Front – arson
Justin Solondz: Earth/Animal Liberation Front – arson
Josephine Overaker: Earth/Animal Liberation Front – arson
Joseph Dibee: Earth/Animal Liberation Front – arson

Those individuals, according to the FBI, represent the greatest threat to your safety among all of the Americans who wish to do harm to their own country and fellow citizens. Hippies who set fires, a burned-out Marxist who made fake IDs, and two black people wanted in 35 year-old homicide cases. Oh, and who could forget the Puerto Rican separatists? Can't turn on the news these days without hearing about Puerto Rico's violent separatists. Personally, I don't even feel safe leaving the house anymore, what with all the Puerto Rican separatist violence. Did I ever tell you about my dog Skip who was shot dead in cold blood by Puerto Rican separatists?

I am at a rare loss to figure out what motive the FBI could possibly have for this selective disregard of violent, dangerous, cop-killing, clinic-bombing right-wing extremists. I am sincere when I say that the GOP cannot possibly want to court votes out on those fringes; even the most far-out Republican would cringe at a ringing endorsement from Terry Nichols or the Michigan Militia. And the FBI must be well aware that they will take the fall if (when) additional Oklahoma City-style incidents occur. It is possible that right-wing domestic terrorists are collectively very stupid, easily captured, and therefore unlikely to be "Wanted." After all, Timothy McVeigh evaded capture for, what, 3 whole hours after the OKC bombing?** Absent any empirical data to back that up (and given the contradictory evidence that these groups remain quite active) it's more likely that we have yet another example of how often Americans are afraid of the wrong things.

Of course there is a chance that the ELF could eventually hurt someone; it would be foolish to argue that they represent no threat whatsoever. But listening to the FBI drone on about the grave danger they represent while ignoring the much more obvious and lethal threat on the right is a little like lecturing someone on the dangers of catching a cold while a knife-wielding lunatic is sneaking up behind them.

**He was pulled over and arrested because his getaway car had no license plate. Read that again. His goddamn getaway car had no goddamn license plate. I couldn't make that up if I tried.

THE NOT-SO-OMNISCIENT EYE

Posted on | by Ed | 8 Comments on THE NOT-SO-OMNISCIENT EYE

I swore that I wouldn't post about the most recent high-profile example of police brutality. We've all seen the video of 15 Philadelphia police officers administering a jailhouse beatdown on three suspects. It's disgusting, unfortunately not very shocking, and eerily reminiscent of the scene in Goodfellas where Jimmy (Robert DeNiro) and Tommy (Joe Pesci) stomp Billy Batts to death in a modified Irish Jig. But I'm pretty hard on those who wear the badge, not to mention how tedious I find the Professional Cop Apologists, knuckle-dragging racists, Sharptonesque camera whores, and other dregs that wash up whenever this becomes news.

I heard something in the aftermath that really bothered me, though.
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Right Wing Pundit indignantly asked Network's Only Black Guy (and I paraphrase here, unable to find video) "The system worked. The officers responsible were fired. Why isn't this a dead issue?" Only a malcontent like Sharpton, it is implied, can still be angry about it, using the incident for their own gain and for cheap camera time. Granted, the PPD and City of Philadelphia deserve credit for quickly moving to fire, demote, and suspend those involved.
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That hardly resolves the larger issue.

Here's the problem: what if the camera hadn't been there?

What if, rather than being captured by a news camera that just happened to be following the chase, this was one of the 99.
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9% of arrests that aren't filmed? It would be just another suspect beaten to a pulp and left to play the he-said/he-said game in which the only witnesses might be cops resting comfortably behind the Blue Wall of Silence. They'd say he "resisted arrest" and that their use of force was no more than necessary to restrain this crack-addled Incredible Hulk who was flipping cars with his bare hands (it's funny how every suspect has the strength of ten stout oxen in these tales). The right-wing cultural guardians would offer paeans to the heroism and bravery of those in uniform, and in a flash the story would be history.
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Then it would happen again.

What did the classic Simpsons "sexual harrassment" episode say? "You know, the courts might not work anymore, but as long as everybody is videotaping everyone else, justice will be done." When we're talking about police brutality, so much of the progress that can be made relies on incontrovertible video evidence. Unfortunately the world's cameras are somewhat less than omniscient. It's nice that this situation resulted in a few overgrown children being taken off the street but it feels somewhat like a pail of water has been thrown on a burning skyscraper.

NPF: SUMMER GRILLING PRIMER, PART 2 – SETTING THE STAGE

Posted on | by Ed | 5 Comments on NPF: SUMMER GRILLING PRIMER, PART 2 – SETTING THE STAGE

(Weekend bonus, on the off-chance that anyone cares about this topic)

I could have titled this "The Majesty of Fire" because this is about the part of outdoor cooking that gives us that clean, puerile thrill: burning shit. Applying matches to stuff and watching big flames shoot up into the air. Using your kettle grill for a miniature re-enactment of the Dresden firebombing. You and your matches becoming Shiva, the Destroyer of Worlds.

The reason for avoiding that title is that fire has precious little to do with cooking. This is a widespread misconception among the grilltarded – that food is cooked over roaring flames. No. Food is not cooked by fire. Food is cooked by heat. Fire is not a necessary indicator of heat. Not to get all existential about it, but what is fire? Perhaps a necessary first question is, what is charcoal? Well I'm glad you fucking asked.

Charcoal: Real charcoal is wood. That's it. It is wood that is "cooked" at an insanely high temperature (around 1000 degrees) in an anaerobic environment until every atom of water, tar, and other organic compounds are vaporized leaving only a solid hunk of light, brittle carbon. It begins its life as normal firewood sealed in a metal retort which has only a few small holes to allow steam and volatile gases to escape. The retort is heated for hours to "burn" away everything but the carbon. But that's the trick; in the absence of oxygen, it doesn't actually burn. After allowing the retort to cool for several hours without air, the wood becomes charcoal. And charcoal is an easy-to-ignite, clean, and dense source of fuel.

(Pre-Fire steps: Is the bottom of your grill free of ashes from previous cooking sessions? If not, empty it. Open the bottom ventilation holes on your kettle.)

Fire: Igniting charcoal simply initiates the process of burning off whatever impurities remain in the wood and unlocking our access to the fuel inside. If you see flames and decide to cook your food over them, you are cooking your food in a bath of hot, toxic gases being vaporized so that the fuel can begin generating heat. I can't stress this enough, yet I try because I have seen it so many times: do not douse your charcoal in lighter fluid, set it ablaze, and throw your food over the ensuing inferno.

So what should you do?

Well, you could invest $15 in a chimney (or, if you're handy, I suppose it would be simple to make one out of an old coffee can). In this instance your task is simple: ignite the chimney (from below, of course) and wait. WAIT. Wait until you see no flames, no smoke, and almost no "black." You want uniform ashing and heat. That means everything is light gray and emitting a sinister red glow.

Sans chimney, the "pyramid" method works well. Arrange an appropriate amount of charcoal in a pyramid formation on your grill's lower grate, ignite (prefereably without lighter fluid, but I won't get all judgmental), and wait. WAAAAAIT. Novices see the fire disppear and assume that they either missed their opportunity to cook or need to add 3 gallons of lighter fluid. No. You're fine. The fire will "go out" after a few minutes. Really. It's OK. When you see the uniform light gray and the sinister red glow, you're ready. Here is a visual reference. Do not even think about cooking until you see that (although I assume you'll be dealing in smaller quantities).

You are now prepared to cook. If you have a gas grill, all you had to do was turn a knob.

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But it is a good idea to do so and let the fake lava rocks or ceramic tiles (which will be doing the actual cooking) heat up for at least 10 minutes before proceeding.

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The food you plan to cook should be at room temperature or thereabouts; take it out of the fridge before you start lighting fires to let it warm up. Under no circumstances should food be taken directly from the fridge (or, god forbid, the freezer) and thrown on the grill. This will dramatically increase the odds of the charred exterior/raw interior phenomenon.

Now that you're prepared, you need to figure out if you're grilling or barbecueing.

The standard American way to do either is to spread all of the coals across the bottom grate, apply the top grate, and throw food at it. Let's not be standard Americans, grilling pre-formed Wal-Mart beef patties (now featuring 10% more spinal column!) inbetween laps of the Jack Links 400. To understand how to set up your heat source, let's understand the two different types of heat involved.

Convection heat, the kind that makes grilling go, is really fucking hot. It is the heat that rises directly upward from your charcoal. Placing your hand a few inches above your coals will be nearly unbearable when they are glowing and ready to go. Radiant heat, as the name implies, radiates outward in all directions. Placing your hand a few inches away from the same coals but at, say, a 60 degree angle would be much more bearable. The point is that putting food over your coals subjects it to phenomenal heat; placing it on the grill but not over the coals subjects it to gentle heat.

When grilling, you need to establish at least two "zones" on your grill. Invest in a long pair of metal tongs to allow you to manipulate the white, glowing charcoal. You need a high-heat grilling zone and a safety/no heat zone. In other words, not all items on the grill will cook uniformly. So if, for example, one were to put all of the charcoal on one half of the grill, the other half would be cool (absent convection heat). Since your grill will not be covered during proper "grilling" the radiant heat will have almost no impact on your cool zone.

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Here is a simple visual representation of two-zone grilling. The metal pan is useful for catching food drippings, which maintains a clean grill. It also makes arranging the coals easier. It's remarkably simple but greatly reduces the incidence of nuclear char on your food.

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Grill in the hot zone, then slide the food into the safe zone to wait for its buddies. Gas grills achieve a similar effect by having a raised grate (a "burger balcony") to allow food to be taken off high heat when done.

Barbecue employs a very similar setup. Here, however, we are concerned about radiant heat (never convection) and therefore we want to ensure a wide, even distribution of coals that will not subject the food to convection. Translation: transfer the glowing coals to the sides of your grill and leave the center open.

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Weber sells nifty little baskets that clip to the sides of the grill and hold coals, or you can simply modify the setup described above for grilling by placing the empty pan in the middle of the grate and arranging the coals around it. In a gas grill, this effect is created by turning on the left burner while leaving the right one turned off. If your gas grill has only one burner, you can't barbecue. Hope you like hot dogs.

Holy crap, you haven't even put food on the grill yet and you're like 97% of the way to pure excellence. I know that makes little sense, but trust me: the overwhelming majority of the mistakes that lead to poor cook-out experiences are made before anyone touches a piece of food. You can avoid this by remembering just a few basic rules:

1. You're not cooking with fire, you're cooking with heat.
2. Be patient; cooking before your heat source is ready means cooking your food in toxic gases.
3. Investing in a few cheap tools – metal pans, tongs, etc – pays off big-time.
4. Know in advance if you are grilling or barbecueing – and the difference between the two.

Next week, you're actually gonna fondle some meat. Conceal your glee.

NPF: EAR RAPE

Posted on | by Ed | 10 Comments on NPF: EAR RAPE

There have been many efforts to determine the worst song in the English language (on a personal note, my money is on "Barbie Girl." It literally makes blood squirt out of my ears.) two Russians decided to stop discussing it and take matters into their own hands.

Based on honest-to-god research, they compiled a list of what people consider to be the most unpleasant, loathsome, annoying characteristics of music.
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Then they combined them all into one song, "The Most Unwanted Song." I think you can see where this is going.

Examples of these characteristics were holiday themed songs, choruses sung by groups of children, and advertising jingles. Hence there is a lengthy chorus about Wal-Mart sung by children and backed by sleigh bells (not to mention an opera singer).
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The most annoying instruments are apparently the bagpipes (well, duh), accordion, and flute. They are all prominently featured.

Oh, by the way, it's 22 minutes long.

I didn't sell this very well, but this is all you need to know: at minute 1:40, a female operatic soprano starts rapping about the Old West over a spastic techno beat and a wall of accordion. Listen to it for about 10 seconds and tell yourself "This goes on for 20 more minutes."

(the kiddie Wal-Mart chorus kicks in around the 14 minute mark)

BUNDLED SERVICES

Posted on | by Ed | 7 Comments on BUNDLED SERVICES

One anti-gay marriage opinion column, three arguments, three logical fallacies. That's efficiency!

1. It is not the business of judges to make public policy.

Red herring with a dose of false dilemma. The question is about the legality of gay marriage, not some tired talking point about activist judges greedily re-writing the law. Disputes over marriage laws end up in the legal system because that is where we resolve legal disputes. He attempts to bolster that argument by (subjectively and pejoritatively) characterizing legal decision-making as "mak(ing) public policy." That's one way to describe it.
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Alternatively, I'd characterize the courts' work as "fulfilling their vital and constitutionally mandated responsibility to our democratic system by providing a peaceful and impartial forum for the resolution of disputes over matters of law." But that's just me.

2. The radical transformation of marriage won't end with same-sex weddings.

Slippery slooooooooooooooooooope! Man on llama! Man on tree! Orgies! Pedophilia! Corpsefucking! Bigamy! Trigamy! Mormon Hold'em! Circle jerks! Cleveland steamers! Alabama hot pockets! Tennessee taco swaps! Daisy chains for satan! Where will it stop??!?!11!?!?!one?!?!!!!!!one!111!!???

3. Society has a vested interest in promoting only traditional marriage.

Which is why we have drive-thru Vegas weddings and no-questions-asked quickie divorces, right?
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Our legal and social respect for the sacred institution of Hetero Marriage is clearly deep and abiding. That is why two intelligent and committed gay people cannot get married but two mouthbreathing idiots can meet in a trailer park, bond over their shared struggle against rickets, and get married in 10 minutes at the courthouse before rushing home to tend to their meth labs. Their inevitable divorce, motivated by the realization that married people qualify for fewer food stamps, will be just as rapid. The author goes on to connect marriage and the production of children, apparently unaware that the latter can occur in the absence of the former.
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Sure, a solid marriage is a good environment for child-raising. But the author fails to support his implication that it is either the best or only one.
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And, for the record, the lowest divorce rate in the nation? Liberal, elitist, homo-loving Massachusetts. The highest, discounting Nevada? Rednecked, god-fearing, homo-hating Arkansas.

(thanks, non-seq)

SOUL SEARCHING

Posted on | by Ed | 26 Comments on SOUL SEARCHING

As the primary election season drags on interminably, I have officially reached my breaking point for the media trope about Salt-of-the-Earthiness and the reverence with which journalists and Pundits await the pronouncements of Real America; you know, the one represented by the (unironically) mesh-hatted, F-150 driving, no-fancy-haircut-gettin', barely-literate, Evangelical Protestant EveryMan from Pigsknuckle, Pennsylvania. One of the remaining candidates bases her viability entirely on her appeal among these Authentic Americans who are far more important than the sneering intellectuals, effeminate urbanites, and unwashed coloreds on the prowl for government handouts. Real Americans live in rural areas, the cultural mythology of which recalls the Norman Rockwell America that, of course, never existed but sure was perfect in the Good Ol' Days.

Well, fortunately I live in southern Indiana. So I count, according to the media, although my lack of truck, chewing tobacco, favorite NASCAR driver, and screaming risk factors for adult-onset diabetes may reduce the value of my opinion. Nonetheless.

If you are like me and you have spent some decent amount of time living in an area that qualifies as Real America in the standard Pundit Narrative, something feels odd about this premise. I find inescapable the feeling that if Bedford, Indiana or Rantoul, Illinois or Somerset, Pennsylvania somehow "are" America, then America is well and truly Fucked. Chris Matthews may look at the backward, uninformed, anti-fancy-book-learnin' Guy in Flannel Shirt and see the soul of the nation, but if that person is America then America belongs in the darkened corridors of a Dickensian state-run mental institution, picking corn out of his own shit and throwing it at the doctors who make the mistake of trying to go near him.

Neither Pundits nor candidates question this assumption that if Bedford, Indiana is America we should be OK with that. Hillary Clinton and David Brooks look at Bedford and see our romanticized, neglected national virtues. I see crushing poverty, virulent and endemic racism (a KKK Grand Wizard calls it home), oppressive ignorance, fast food diets, Third World teen pregnancy rates, bile-spewing conservatism from people on food stamps, unplanned development that sprawls idiotically across the land, xenophobia, and knee-jerk demonization of the pretentious liberal elites who think they are too good to live like Bedfordians (i.e., in their own filth). I see people fighting to ban science from their already pitiful schools and replace it with a religion to which they slavishly adhere but minimally understand. I see people voting Republican to stick it to the queers and the liberal media and the snotty college professors and the goddamn feminazis while their right-wing heroes institute economic policies that decimate Bedford and its residents. I see everything bleak and hopeless about America, everything that suggests people have given up and, unable to understand why their lives are so miserable, wait for Rush and Glenn and BillO to tell them who to blame (hint: anyone different).
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The media dutifully muse over accusastions of Obama's Elitism or Nancy Pelosi's "San Francisco Values" or out-of-touch East Coast wannabe-European leftists who can't understand Real Americans. It never occurs to them, at least not on camera, how most Americans (not to mention the reporters and pundits themselves, making six figures and living in the most elite communities in New York and D.C.) would choose if given the chance to live in Bedford or San Francisco. Janesville, Wisconsin or New York.
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Odessa, Texas or Boston. The Americans who would pick Bedford are not representative of anything other than their own ignorance and inflated conception of Virtuous Rural America. It shows the extent to which they have invested their lives in an ideology that regularly fucks them but excels at re-directing their anger.
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Bedford isn't America; Bedford is a garbage heap we should look at only as a reminder of what happens when people politically mobilize to screw their own tangible interests in pursuit of "social issues" and moral outrages that will always be dangled and never addressed.