THE "KNOW YOUR REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES" QUIZ!

Maybe it's the teacher in me, or maybe it's the bile on which I gag when I watch videos of the Republican debate the other evening.
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All I know is that Americans have stunningly little information about politics and I take every chance I can find to educate those around me.

So you think you know politics?

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Let's see how much you really know about your GOP nominees. We're on the honor system here – no cheating. After all, there are no shortcuts to a thriving democracy anywhere except in Paul Bremer's head.

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Check your hubris and sharpen your #2 pencils.

  • 1. Traditional blue-collar jobs are disappearing from the American economy faster than new opportunities are created. What is A) Fred Thompson's solution and B) Rudy Giuliani's solution?
  • 2. Abstinence-only sex education programs are not working as planned. What might make them more effective?
  • 3. If a suspected terrorist in custody may have information about future terrorist attacks but refuses to talk, all GOP candidates except McCain say we should do what?
  • 4. When Rudy Giuliani is asked "What needs to be done to make America safer?" what is his response?
  • 5. How does Mike Huckabee explain the origin of mankind?
  • 6. How did Fred Thompson characterize his record as a member of the Senate?
  • 7. What is the consensus exit strategy among the candidates for the war in Iraq?
  • 8. How does Mitt Romney propose to deal with the alleged threats posed by Iran?
  • 9. Ron Paul differs from his colleagues on many issues. On what key points is he similar to the rest of the field?
  • 10. When presented with a hypothetical scenario in which significantly raising taxes would prevent gay marriage, end abortion, and send Iran back to the stone age, how would the leading candidates (Thompson, Romney, Giuliani) respond?
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  • When you've stared at your responses long enough to be convinced that you cannot improve upon them, click beyond the jump below for the correct answers. If you scored less than 8 out of 10, you clearly don't know your GOP.

    Continue reading

    TEH LIFELINE

    Two separate and unrelated incidents have caused me to think about our friend The Internet a lot more than I usually would (which is to say, x > 0).

  • 1. In the middle of a marathon session of harvesting data for my dissertation, the Indiana University servers had some issues. This left me sans internet for a little over an hour.
  • 2. As you have likely heard, the ruling cabal in Myanmar shut down that country's internet service in an attempt to quell the mounting protests. (Side note: as terrible as this story is, I simply love the idea of a large red button labeled "THE INTERNET" in a windowless bunker….and a swarthy dictator with his hand poised over it, ready to strike)

    How much of our lives have we surrendered to The Internet? As I remarked to one of my fellow grad students during anecdote 1, I really can't imagine how in the hell political scientists compiled large data sets in Ye Olde Days.

    Of course, that is hyperbole. I can imagine it. It involved going to a basement in a library in some state capitol and poring through thousands, if not millions, of musty, yellowed pages.

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    The mass quantity of data I have collected from the Census Bureau (~14 days) would probably have taken 9 months to do "by hand." Our Government Info library keeps hard copies of Census publications and raw data. The Census 2000 material takes up 3/4 of a floor.

    And it's not a small library.

    Aside from the fact that my research (about which, let's face it, no one else really cares) casts itself on the mercy of the internet gods, the extent to which it has become a crutch throughout my life is pretty amazing. I get absolutely zero information from TV news (can't stomach it) or newspapers (I read one on Sunday, if that). I haven't listened to the radio in years.

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    I haven't written anyone else a letter in more than a decade. I communicate daily with people I may never meet (i.e., you) and forge relationships through the blog-o-sphere with people who may not even be real for all I know.

    So yes, it's corny and trite to do a "wonders of the modern age" post, but goddammit, I think we could do worse things with our time than spending a few minutes thinking, "What the hell would I do if this thing disappeared?

    " That red button makes me nervous.

  • ED VS. LOGICAL FALLACIES, PART 6: BAIT & SWITCH

    All fallacies of relevance rely on false or misleading analogies. They are the rhetorical version of the classic "bait & switch" sales technique. Start the reader out with something universally approved of or scorned. Then quickly – very quickly, so as not to give the reader time to ask too many questions – switch to something else which bears a superficial resemblance but is not in fact analogous. The "switch" item need only bear a passing resemblance to the original subject; think about the difference between a truly good disguise and a disguise that is sufficient to fool an observer from 20 yards away.

    Roger Cohen would make a great comissioned salesman.

    In this essay, "The New L-Word," Cohen offers a cornucopia of logical fallacies. But for today let's just focus on the poor analogies and bait/switch games. First:

    (Neocons), in the words of leftist commentator and blogger Matthew Yglesias, "believe that America should coercively dominate the world through military force" and "believe in a dogmatic form of American exceptionalism" and "favor the creation of a U.S.-dominated 'universal empire.' "

    But the term, in these Walt-Mearsheimered days, often denotes more than that. Neocon, for many, has become shorthand for neocon-Zionist conspiracy, whatever that may be, although probably involving some combination of plans to exploit Iraqi oil, bomb Iran and apply U.S. power to Israel's benefit.

    Wow, someone call a lawyer, I think I just got whiplash from the speed with which we went from relatively mainstream criticism of neoconservatism to whacko Zionist conspiracy nuts. Boy, those two things sure are similar. According to whom? Why, according to "many," of course. And let's skip the rich irony of referring to Mr. Yglesias as "leftist commentator" in an editorial about the folly of applying blanket labels as epithets. Wait. There's more:

    Beyond that, neocon has morphed into an all-purpose insult for anyone who still believes that American power is inextricable from global stability and still thinks the muscular anti-totalitarian U.S. interventionism that brought down Slobodan Milosevic has a place, and still argues, like Christopher Hitchens, that ousting Saddam Hussein put the United States "on the right side of history."

    (…)Liberal interventionists, if you recall, were people like myself for whom the sight in the 1990s of hundreds of thousands of European Muslims processed through Serbian concentration camps, or killed in them, left little doubt of the merits, indeed the necessity, of U.S. military action in the name of the human dignity that only open societies afford. Without such action in Bosnia and Kosovo, Europe would not be at peace today.

    (…)Baghdad is closer to Sarajevo than the left has allowed.

    (…)Kouchner, a socialist, is now French foreign minister– hardly a sign the credo's dead. He, in turn, is close to Richard Holbrooke, who brought peace to Bosnia and may be secretary of state in a Hillary Clinton administration.

    DO YOU GET IT YET? DID YOU GET IT? HMM? Cohen is approximately as subtle as an Oliver Stone film in the last half of his essay. He's ostensibly talking about the current perception of neocons, and how Iraq has turned that ideology into an insult. B-B-But….Mr. Cohen, why is hardly any of your discussion about Iraq? Why do you bring up Bosnia half-a-dozen times?

    Why, because Bosnia and Iraq are virtually the same thing!! They're so similar, in fact, that Roger Cohen can just avoid Iraq altogether and talk about that Bosnia thing which most Americans hardly remember and even fewer understand. Nevermind the fact that the situation in the Balkans was so complex that even PhDs who have made careers out of studying it struggle to grasp it; in Cohen's world, it was a simple morality play, and intervening (on, um, someone's behalf….whoever the Good Guys were) was so obviously right that we can toss it in conversations as a straw man as easily as "the Holocaust" or "Communism."

    In reality, the situations in Bosnia and Iraq bear almost no resemblance beyond fitting into the vague category of Places Upon Which American Ordinance Has Fallen and In Which Our Troops Have Died. He starts with Bosnia and strongly implies (or, in places, asserts explicitly) that intervention in that conflict was quite obviously a good thing. And then the quick switch – intervention was a good thing in Bosnia, therefore it is a good thing in Iraq.

    It's quite amazing, the depths to which even papers like the New York Times will sink. They give column space to dreck like this for the sole purpose of precluding allegations of bias. Nevermind if said columnist is thunderingly ignorant or can't make an argument to save his soul – the important thing is having someone who will talk about how great of an idea the Iraq War is on a bi-weekly basis.

    FAILING

    A couple of months ago I discussed my discovery of the secret to understanding Jonah Goldberg. If you don't care to read it again, it is essentially that Goldberg does not exist and his column output is written by a loose team of college Republicans selected at random.
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    I based that idea on the fact that Goldberg's writing bears an extremely suspicious resemblance to that of a college sophomore (and I'm exposed to plenty of that).

    I may be on to something. Phyllis Schlafly (who is, in case you're not familiar, one of the most profoundly ignorant shrews alive and the founder of Conservapedia) wrote a gold nugget of wisdom recently making vague, all-encompassing-yet-nonspecific criticisms against English departments in American colleges. Her opus is entitled "Advice to College Students: Don't Major in English." If only they'd let me write the obvious rejoinder "Advice to College Students: Don't Take Advice from People Who Think the Earth is 6000 Years Old."

    In the spirit of my Goldberg-is-a-Sophomore post, please direct your attention to this outstanding post entitled "Phyllis Schlafly Wouldn't Pass My Composition Class" by Evil Bender, an English grad student who has probably suffered even more undergrad essays than me. I know not all of you have, have had, or will have the experience of teaching America's youth at some point, but I heartily recommend reading editorials (or, as we make the middle schoolers call them, Persuasive Essays) with one question in the back of your mind: If a student in a basic Intro-to-Anything course handed me this essay, what grade would it receive? Let me tell you, I don't come across too many that would pass.
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    Schlafly would get a pity D and a large, red note about coming to see me in my office hours.
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    Of course, she'd never do that. She'd just piss and moan about how she got a D because her professors are all liberals on a crusade to punish her. I mean, why learn to write when you can just bitch to David Horowitz and be reassured that you are One Heroic Victim?
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    NO POLITICS, BUT PLENTY OF SHAME

    No sooner did I get done insulting a large portion of humanity's musical tastes yesterday than I felt a little guilt. Only a little. But enough to give the world a reason to make fun of me in return.

    So. Use the comments to answer the following questions: What's the most embarassing CD in your current collection? More importantly, what's the lamest/most embarassing thing you listen to semi-regularly? As you might expect, I'll lead the way by humiliating myself first.

    In all honesty, I tend to throw CDs on eBay/Half.com pretty quickly if I do not listen to them. I have a couple hundred taking up space as it is; I have no room for those that can't pull their weight. A detailed perusal of my (large, alphabetized) collection didn't turn up anything mind-blowingly awful. No itinerant copies of Please Hammer Don't Hurt'em or any Vanilla Ice. I think the winner has to be the copy of Smash by The Offspring, which I would guess I purchased in 1994 and for some reason have not discarded. This oversight is likely due to the fact that it is utterly worthless on the used market.

    Now, don't think I'm letting myself off the hook that easily. My collection goes beyond CDs to the tune of about 250 GB of mp3s. And no, I've never paid for a single one. Why? Cause fuck'em, that's why.

    The most humiliating thing I listen to with any regularity is Iowa by Slipknot. Seriously. I listen to it pretty regularly when I'm boxing (along with other "god do I want to punch something" classics like Reign in Blood and Pass the Flask). Ignoring, as I choose to, all the stupid shit about that band (masks, fake blood, legions of 14 year-old fans) it's actually a really good metal album. The drummer-plus-two-percussionists thing…well, I play the damn drums. I'm a sucker for it. If I could stomach death metal Cookie Monster Vocals (and trust me, I can't) I'd probably also list Poland's finest metal band Behemoth and their classic Demigod. But once every few months is all Ed can handle of that.

    In no way am I proud of this. I needed to be taken down a peg.

    ORIENTALISM

    No, not the study of Asia and the far east. The Edward Said kind. Actually, I think this best sums up what I am about to say.

    This past weekend in Bloomington was something called the Lotus Festival, which is an annual world music extravaganza. It is one of the largest of its kind. Lots of people get really excited about it. I question their motives. I see a bunch of middle- to upper-class white people trying their earnest best to Appreciate Other Cultures like good liberal bohemian intellectuals, no matter how painful it might be.

    Americans have narrow, provincial tastes in music. Much of what we like is crap. Much of what is popular in the rest of the world – maybe even extremely popular – is unknown here. It is as easy as it is tempting to attribute this to American ignorance and closed-mindedness. I have little doubt that we are an ignorant and closed-minded people. What I do doubt is that this is a suitable explanation for the obscurity of world music in the U.S.

    I am reminded of a very good Simpsons joke from a very bad (recent, of course) episode. On NPR, "Banjologist" Stefan Whitmore discusses the dying art of Peruvian banjo music. When the host asks why the art form is dying, Whitmore replies (after a short demonstration on his banjo) that, "Frankly it's just not very good." Sometimes I find myself wondering if that's a good point.

    Now, put down your lynching accessories. I am not saying that all "world" music is bad. Read that again if necessary. I'm sure a lot of it, even that which I find incredibly unlistenable, is objectively very good. People have different tastes. We can all accept that.

    The reason I hate "world music" and things like Lotus Festival has more to do with the spectators than the performers. Heavy doses of Othering usually don't put me in a jovial mood. I feel like a lot of people are there watching something that might not even be any good just to get their Multi-Culti merit badge for the week. Apparently getting falling-down drunk or higher than Jesus to listen to Afro-Cuban Whateverthefuck is proof of one's worth as an individual (as opposed to the other 51 weekends of the year spent getting falling-down drunk or higher than Jesus to listen to that one dude from the Allman Brothers Band). The rest of the world might even be playing an elaborate joke on us – sending us their version of Clay Aiken and laughing their asses off as NPR listeners solemnly appreciate it – and the unwitting crowds would look no different.

    As I do every year, I tried to expose myself to some of the Fest and it did not work out well. Ten minutes of the Ghanaian Female Doumbek-Banging and Ululating Troupe or whatever the fuck I was listening to was enough. I decided that I simply do not enjoy That Sort of Thing. I'm sure there are other people who do – but I wonder how many of those people were the ones packed close to the stage to make a public show of their Support and Appreciation for the Other Half and their Cultures. No matter how much they claim to, I refuse to believe that so many midwestern college kids really like listening to an hour of tuvan throat-singing. Sure, it's amazing. So is the range of most opera singers, and that doesn't mean many people want to watch an hour of it.

    Of course, anyone I might accuse of this would disagree stridently. No one admits to being a shameless status seeker or an insincere cultural voyeur. But if all these people like Rai so fucking much, why do they head back to the car after the show and turn up the Yo La Tengo for the ride home? Why do I fail to hear Rai or encounter anyone talking about it for the other 363 days of the year? I guess it's only worth appreciating in public where those hot hippies from your anthro class can see you in all your sensitive glory.

    SOMETIMES THE JOKES WRITE THEMSELVES

    Hopefully you've seen this story by now, and if not then let this be a quick summary:

    Britsh MPs visiting the Pentagon to discuss America's stance on Iran and Iraq were shocked to be told by one of President Bush's senior women officials: "I hate all Iranians."

    And she also accused Britain of "dismantling" the Anglo-US-led coalition in Iraq by pulling troops out of Basra too soon.

    The all-party group of MPs say Debra Cagan, Deputy Assistant Secretary for Coalition Affairs to Defence Secretary Robert Gates, made the comments this month.

    Big deal, right? High-ranking member of the Bush foreign policy apparatus is completely ignorant, racist, and generally grasps world affairs at the level of an average 7th-grader. And now the punchline. This is Debra Cagan:

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    Nazi symbols make great pendants!

    OK. Deep breath. I can't decide if she looks more like:

  • A) Skeletor
  • B) Golden Age of Grotesque-era Marilyn Manson
  • C) Klaus Nomi
  • D) Julianna Margulies after a 6-month crystal meth binge in an active volcano

    All I know for sure is that I may never get another erection.

  • THE WHORES OF WAR

    I don't think that the recent (unwelcome) publicity to which Blackwater USA has been subjected bears much comment. Some things speak for themselves, and it's not as though the rest of us didn't figure out 5 years ago that privatizing national defense to a series of completely unaccountable, secretive companies is questionable. I do, however, think that too little attention has been paid to the fact that Blackwater's founder and principal has strong ties to a number of psychotic Christian fringe groups. Similarly ignored is the fact that Blackwater is only one of a dozen such companies operating in Iraq, and it's actually less shady and deeply involved than some unknown places like Aegis.

    Rather than speak at length making really obvious points about accountability, secrecy, and morality, I'll simply say that I find this subject fascinating and it's amazing how pervasive and shady the industry is. I had the good fortune of taking a graduate class taught by the former President of Liberia. It was not a good class, but god how I loved talking to this man about post-colonial Africa's near-constant state of war and flux. To hear him tell it, the stability of most West and Sub-Saharan African regimes had more to do with making sufficient monthly payments to Sandline and EO than indigenous military capabilities or domestic unrest. If you find this as intriguing as I do, I heartily recommend all of the following:

  • The Whores of War by Wilfred Burchette & Derek Roebuck (1977). It's hard to find, but a well-stocked college or public library should be able to find it for you. It's a detailed account of how mercenaries descended on Angola like flies on garbage in 1975, killing, raping, and generally acting like you'd expect society's rejects to act when given guns, brown liquor, and carte blanche.
  • Shadow Company (film, 2006) is a somewhat-uneven look at the history of mercenaries in the late 20th/early 21st. While it spends a lot of time on Iraq, it also contains some great history including interviews with EO personnel who intervened in Sierra Leone a few years ago.
  • Private Warriors by Silverstein and Burton-Rose is a brief but substantive look at the growth of the PMC industry in the last two decades.
  • Former Sandline chief Tim Spicer has written a fairly self-serving autobiography that is interesting less for its factual content than for its depiction of the mindset and worldview of the kind of people who do this for a living.
  • Lastly but not leastly, the indispensable (if somewhat sensationally-titled) 800-page reference volume The World's Most Dangerous Places by Robert Pelton, possibly my favorite living non-fiction author. You'll not find a better or more thorough run-down of who's involved where than through the work of Pelton and his contributors. Aside from being funny and extremely well-written, the depth of research and information is incredible. I wait for his books with baited breath (new edition next May!) but I'm not alone; the CIA and State Department regularly rely on Pelton and DP, which often contain far better intelligence about local conditions than the government can patch together. How does Pelton do it? First-hand reporting. Going into nasty places. You know, actual conflict journalism, not sitting behind a desk reading Pentagon press releases. I also spend far too much time at Pelton's website. Check out his new book about the use of PMCs in Iraq entitled License to Kill. I have not yet found the time to read it, but his track record suggests it will be terrific.
  • ED VS. LOGICAL FALLACIES, PART 5: IPSE DIXIT

    Lately I've been getting a man-sized kick out of the little pearls of wisdom falling out of the textbook "Biology for Christian Schools," which is published by Bob Jones University and is currently the subject of a lengthy, circus-like lawsuit in California. Check out some of the knee-slappers, head-scratchers, and just-flat-out-incorrect highlights from the textbook here and here. It looks like a healthy combination of far-right bumper sticker slogans and stunning ignorance. Thankfully, the courts haven't looked too favorably on unfalsifiable religious ideology masquerading as science. As usual the lawsuit is more about publicity and martyrdom ("Activist judges declare war on Jesus!") than any reasonable expectation of success.

    One aspect of the case, and previous ones like it, that amuses me to no end is doing a little research on the "expert witnesses" that creationists trot out to absorb punishment at the hands of actual scientists. That brings us to ipse dixitthe appeal to questionable authority.

    Look closely at the California and you'll see the name Michael Behe, a leading "intelligent design" proponent who teaches at Lehigh University. As his written report states, the Christian schools hired him (to the tune of $20,000) as an expert witness in "biology and physics." This is despite the fact that Prof. Behe has absolutely no physics background. I suspect that ID advocates don't understand that physics and biology are two different things.

    Behe's resume (starting on p. 58 of the written report) could be that of any one of the hundreds of tenured pariahs and cranks that litter academia. Their research is a joke, they are a joke, and their only recourse is to seek validation from like-minded cranks. Behe may not be able to get his work about irreducible complexity published in "peer-reviewed" or "legitimate" science journals, but he did make National Review's list of top non-fiction books! Oh, and let's not forget the coveted Book of the Year award from Christianity Today. Notice the gap between 1978 and 1995 (when he started publishing creationist nonsense) in his resume? The reason is simply that he failed at being a real academic, so he quit trying and transitioned to the lucrative world of Paid Shilling.

    Behe's theory has been disproven through numerous peer-reviewed studies. It is widely ridiculed and considered a poorly-repackaged creationist argument. And please note the last line of the entire report:

    Testimony in other cases: In the preceding four years, Kitzmiller vs. Dover

    Why is that funny? His testimony in the widely-publicized Kitzmiller case resulted in one of the best, most lengthy, and most brutal intellectual beatdowns ever to flow from our legal system. And for some reason he's bringing it up like a good resume-builder. Among the comments in the 130+ page decision written by George W. Bush-appointed Republican judge John Jones:

    "…on cross-examination, Professor Behe was questioned concerning his 1996 claim that science would never find an evolutionary explanation for the immune system. He was presented with fifty-eight peer-reviewed publications, nine books, and several immunology textbook chapters about the evolution of the immune system; however, he simply insisted that this was still not sufficient evidence of evolution, and that it was not "good enough." (23:19 (Behe))." (Page 78)

    "By defining irreducible complexity in the way that he has, Professor Behe attempts to exclude the phenomenon of exaptation by definitional fiat, ignoring as he does so abundant evidence which refutes his argument. Notably, the NAS has rejected Professor Behe's claim for irreducible complexity…" (Page 75)

    If you're so inclined, you can read all 130 pages of that pimp-slapping here. Needless to say, the court was not impressed by the paid testimony of a failed biologist-turned-pitchman. If I were Behe, I'd demand a lot more than $20,000 per appearance to subject myself to such ridicule. He and his kind are a dime a dozen; they cling to bizarre ideas that are repeatedly disproven and consider their widespread rejection by their peers to be a sign of the righteousness of their crusade toward intellectual martyrdom.

    The moral of (my) story here is that creationists are using a very simple, misleading, and transparent logical fallacy by trotting out such "expert witnesses" in the media and in court. They ignore the fact that Michael Behe is completely full of shit and that every word he's ever written has been challenged and contradicted by hard data. Their goal is simple – introduce him as "Professor" Michael Behe and grandly state his awards and accomplishments (don't mention that they're mostly from far-right ID groups, not peer-reviewed academic journals). The presence of such an "expert" with a fancy title is intended to lend weight to and imply intellectual support for the argument. What makes this an appeal to questionable authority, which is distinct from an ordinary appeal to authority, is that this authority is a fraud. Appeals to authority are very often a logical, valid form of argument. Appeals to charlatans and snake-oil merchants, however, are always riddled with logical holes and built on a foundation of quicksand.

    A SNAIL ON A RAZOR'S EDGE

    I had a brief moment of hesitation about posting this as a No Politics Friday ™ entry, because it walks a very fine line between funny and sad. Or, more importantly, between funny and social commentary.

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    We try to avoid the latter on Fridays at all costs around here.

    If you haven't heard this 911 recording (and yes, Snopes tells us it's real) I think you need to listen to it right now. Let's not focus on the fact that it's a sickening example of what kind of people we breed in this country; instead, just marvel at the superficial comedic value of gems like:

    Woman: Well…..you're supposed to be here to protect me.

    Dispatcher: What are we protecting you from? A wrong cheeseburger?

    Just remember, out of the 1000 people you see on an average day, a good portion of them are this stupid.
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    (PS: After I received this blast from the past on Wednesday, I was fondly reminiscing about years gone by and recalling how hard I used to rock the shit out of this during the karaoke era)