GIN AND TACOS

I'd like to qualify the following by pointing out that no one enjoys the comedic value inherent in right-wing histrionics more than I do; the vein-bulging, voice-cracking spiels of pure bile that are bemusing until you realize that the speaker is dead serious, after which point it simply becomes a theater of the absurd.

To wit: typical Republican Senator v.2006 David Vitter of Louisiana, re: the gay marriage debate in Congress. "I don't believe there's any issue that's more important than this one."

Now, I understand that this is prima facie amusing due to the high levels of melodrama and absurd exaggeration. It is the kind of thing that one would expect to hear from any random, generic Republican lawmaker these days. But here's the really funny part.

Wait for it….

David Ritter represents the state of Louisiana.

So when he's saying that no issue is "more important than" gay marriage, it's implied that his constituents are more concerned about gays than any of those…other problems the state has endured recently.

A man rushes to move his handicapped friend away from local gays

Apparently all that "dying" and "complete devastation" are not important to Louisianans. The problems have been resolved or, to the extent that they remain, are clearly less important than gay marriage.

Click here to email Senator Ritter and congratulate him on his ability to put his priorities, and those of his constituents, in the proper order.

New Orleans residents assemble for a public rally in support of traditional marriage

Do these jackasses have any idea how badly this is going to backfire? If it doesn't, then any remaining shred of faith you may have in the American public can safely be flushed down the toilet.

While beating up on Bill Bennett isn't exactly difficult or something to brag about, this video of Jon Stewart ripping the corpulent gambling addict a new cornhole over gay marriage is one of the best things you'll ever see. Unfortunately this clip doesn't capture the money shot – Bennett says "This debate is over" and Stewart responds "Yes, and you lost.

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"

Zing.

I'd like to think that people on the religious and cultural right KNOW (in the intuitive sense, if not explicitly) that they're being toyed with, baited, and otherwise used.
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I'd like to think they're smart enough to figure that out.
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I really would.

But here in reality, I know they're not. They're nowhere near smart enough to figure out that amendments require 67 votes in the Senate, 295 votes in the House, and 38 states for approval. They don't understand that NONE of those hurdles (let alone all of them) can be overcome given the current Congressional majorities. They don't realize that this is just vacuous pandering – an empty gesture, a waste of Congressional time, a bill dead on arrival.

Really, we as a nation have no pressing concerns and we can therefore afford to blow a week or two debating an amendment that hasn't a snowball's chance in hell of passing.

How's that war working out? Everything get resolved over there? It must have.

Oh, by the way. While the "marriage protection" amendment is occupying the talk shows 24-7 for the next few days, Congress will be approving (likely by voice vote) another $92 billion in supplemental appropriations for Iraq. See, that's how Bush operates. He makes a budget with ridiculously low and unrealistic estimates of the costs of war. The conservative lapdogs in the media laud his fiscal restraint. Then he pays for it by adding a supplemental "emergency" appropriation every 6 weeks, hiding such measures by debating some meaningless and divisive cultural issue to distract the pinheaded public (or tying the supplemental war funds to something like Katrina relief, thereby making it politically impossible to oppose).

I'd like to think the Fred Phelps crowd is starting to wake up to how blatantly and crassly they're being used.

But that's wishful thinking. They're all perfectly content to claim once again that gay marriage is somehow more important than the war (now celebrating 4 straight massacre-free days!), the economy, and the fact that they're mortgaging the fuck out of their children's futures. "Well Johnny, mom and dad have taken political steps to ensure that no gays will bother you by getting married during the upcoming depression. If you ever find a job, figure out how to pay back the $500 billion we deficit-spent, or manage to avoid getting drafted, I'm sure you'll thank us."

They're nowhere near smart enough to realize that NOTHING will ever be done about gay marriage or abortion – why would the GOP shoot itself in the foot by taking away the carrot it can dangle in front of the Dobson drones every time they need to cover up some new ineptitude? I mean, that's why superheroes never kill their arch-enemies.

If there were no villains in the world then Superman would become sort of irrelevant, wouldn't he?

It has come to my attention that the words for "mullet" (the hairstyle, not the fish) in the Scandinavian languages are as follows:

Finnish: tsekkitukka

As you might be able to guess from the first two, all Scandinavian languages refer to this glorious hairstyle as "hockey hair" in deference to that sport's fondness for it. But the Finns go a little bit farther.

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You see, "Tsekkitukka" literally means "Czech hockey hair." Apparently the Czechs are more bemulleted than the average hockey player (which is pretty impressive considering that group includes Alberta).
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I wasn't sure that this was a fair ethnic stereotype, so I asked Czech-born hockey superstar Jaromir Jagr.
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Yep. Tsekkitukka sounds just about right.

It really is. I don't think George Bush and his ilk are going to be satisfied until every last person (aside from deep southern evangelicals, of course) loathes them.

It didn't take much to get 50% of the population to reach that conclusion. The other 50% has been a lot slower to come around, but boy has it started to come around.
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Case in point: Rupert Murdoch's New York Post. This is the same paper that ran the infamous "Axis of Weasel" cover and was basically a warmongering shill for the Bush administration throughout the Iraq run-up.

Yes, this is from a real newspaper. I swear.

That was then. This is now.

Yes, it appears that those New Yorkers (and Washingtonians, seeing as how DC was screwed just as badly) aren't too thrilled that the DHS has decided to slash the amount of money the city will receive for anti-terrorism measures. Instead, the money is being diverted to rural areas (just in time for the election, of course) so that security can be beefed up around prime terrorist targets like Cobb County, Georgia and Laramie, Wyoming.

Losing Rupert Murdoch, from Bush's perspective, is so unbelievable that it must be considered impressive. It sums up my attitude about the current administration in its entirety: I simply have nothing left to say.

I can only look at it in disbelief, occasionally pausing to giggle.

This is a presidency that has quite literally re-written the book on how not to govern. It is quite simply the worst presidency in our lifetimes, and should we all live to be 120 I sincerely hope that statement never needs to be revised. I always knew Bush would end up being remembered as our worst president, but I didn't think it would happen during his term. According to this poll, he's somehow edged out Nixon and outnumbered the Clinton-hating right-wingers nearly 2-to-1.

Impressive. Absolutely impressive.

I'm sure that the physicians on staff at the average convalescent/retirement home hear this on a daily basis, but said doctors can no longer safely assume diabetes to be the underlying cause.
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Yes, in yet another example of the depressing and complete loss of innocence that defines modern American life, it appears that granny and gramps have the clap. Or the herp. Or something of the kind.

I need a drink and a shower.

The 2006 election will be theraputic for America, if for no other reason than it will help clear our collective mind of 2004. And really, what clears the mind like a little retribution?

Some people can sing, some can dance, and some can run giant corporations. My skills, on the other hand, are neither interesting nor profitable. I can talk about politics. It's not terribly interesting, but I might as well use what the good Lord has given me. So this is a look at the 2006 Senate races. Hopefully it will be of some use to you as you desperately search for some threads of political hope to which you can cling this year. If it's not useful, hopefully it will be entertaining. If it's not entertaining, too fucking bad. It's free.

I'm going to make a few general comments and then break the approximately three dozen races down into general categories according to their level of competitiveness and relevance.

Continue reading →

And we'll be there, attempting to borrow it.

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So Tremendous Fucking's practice-space roommates (this band of tards called "Murder by Death") are officially big rock stars now, and they have an MTV-ready video to prove it. You can watch it here and have fun trying to identify my bandmates fighting in the video (hint: look for beards) – the question "Is Pat Hawkins gonna have to choke a bitch?" is answered.

Sadly I was busy on the day this was made (in Chicago, btw – try to guess the venue), thereby blowing my one chance of ever being on TV without committing a crime.
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