A HOOKER'S TALE, OR: HOW I LEARNED ABOUT THE HOUSING MARKET

This is going to be a bit odd, but I want to walk the reader through a recent CNN story, sharing my reactions along the way. The "news" item in question: "Homeowner offers house and her 'love' for sale." It deals with this craigslist ad. By the end of this post, we will have learned some important lessons, such as that there are much less dignified alternatives to eHarmony or staying home and masturbating to Adrien Brody movies.

She's tried nightclubs and online dating sites, but now a 42-year-old single mother is looking for love where everyone else's heart is breaking: the real estate market. After a year of trying to sell her four-bedroom home and eight years of singledom, Deven Trabosh is offering her South Florida home and a shot at marrying her on the Internet.

I don't see what could go wrong with this premise.

"I figured, let's combine the ad, because I'm looking for love and I'm looking to sell the house," said Trabosh, a Barbie-esque blonde who teeters around the nearly 2,000-square-foot house in patent leather heels.

"Barbie-esque blonde who teeters around the house in patent leather heels." Mister, you just made a sale. Where do I sign?

"Marry a Princess Lost in America," Trabosh wrote in the ads she posted on eBay and Craigslist last week.

Interested in learning more about her noble birth, I did some research and found out that she is the eldest daughter of King Leathery II of the Land of Sadness. She is indeed next in line for the throne and therefore not misrepresenting herself as a Princess. Carry on.

Trabosh, a licensed real estate agent who hasn't practiced in years, knew that she would struggle to sell the home in the troubled real estate market but insists that her fairy-tale ad isn't just a sales gimmick.

Hmm, she hasn't worked in years. So this is apparently a very straightforward and ancient transaction: a financial Knight in Shining Armor agrees to rescue her in exchange for 6-8 years of dry, unenthusiastic fellatio. But hey, if you're a millionaire with a lifelong dream of fucking a woman who looks like a catcher's mitt, this is your chance!

"I'm struggling. … I don't want to lose my house, and I want to find somebody,"…"So I came up with this dream plan, because I've always dreamed about being a fairy-tale princess."

"Did I mention yet that my home is going to be foreclosed? Yeah, that's kinda relevant I guess. I also have a stunningly misguided conception of what being a Fairy Tale Princess entails. The only Fairy Tales my parents read to me were the screenplays to Pretty Woman and Hard Anal Sluts #19: There Will Be Sluts."

She listed the home for $340,000 on a sell-it-yourself Web site but upped the price, adding a $500,000 shipping fee to include her companionship on eBay.

I missed the part where this is not straightforward prostitution.

Trabosh says eBay removed her ad, though she planned to change the wording and repost it.

I wonder why eBay doesn't want to go down the path of allowing people to sell "companionship." I'm pretty sure it is because the prohibition against prostitution is the last remaining difference between eBay and the darkened alley behind a Laotian pai gow parlor at 3:30 AM on Saturday morning.

Trabosh hasn't received any serious offers but says she's had nearly 500 responses, mostly positive, including one from Ottie of Surrey, England, who e-mailed to say, "You are offering the perfect life with the perfect American princess."

"I can tell from your 100-word Craigslist ad. Also, I've never spoken to a woman without having to give my credit card number first."

She whips out her laptop to show off a picture of Claudio, a handsome Italian wine and cheese taster who she's been corresponding with since he responded to the ad. Seated on a white leather love seat in her living room, she giggles almost girlishly about him. They're hoping to meet in Miami in a few weeks.

Who wants to bet that "Claudio" is a 47 year-old laid-off welder who panhandles in Rome for hair gel money? I find it hard to believe that an attractive "Italian wine- and cheese-taster" is not hip-deep in pussy, and even harder to believe that he would need to troll Craigslist for pathetic Americans. If he wanted to nail vacuous blond Americans he would hang out at tourist sites in Rome and look for Lonely Planet books and Rutgers t-shirts.

"I'm not selling myself. I'm selling love … to meet that true love,"

I am going to call up a professor I know. She is the tenured chair of the Department of Love at Romance University. She will tell me if it is possible to sell love.

(phone rings)

(indistinct conversation)

No, she says it isn't.

"Of course, it's gonna take more chemistry and connection. It's not going to be instantaneous that I'm just going to be automatically for sale. … It's a package deal for true love."

(hits speed re-dial)

"Hi. Can 'true love' ever be a part of something described as a 'package deal'?"

(hangs up)

No. No, it can't.

"There is a plethora of quirky ads on craigslist that pop up on craigslist every day, and this appears to be one of them," spokeswoman Susan MacTavish Best said in an e-mail.

This is what separates craigslist from eBay. Their "quirky" is our "appalling."

Ideally, Trabosh hopes a European man will close the deal and says she's willing to move overseas.

That this will make it difficult-if-not-impossible for creditors to find and collect on her is incidental. Purely incidental. This is about true love. And someone buying an idiotically expensive house that was bought in 2001 and has since lost half of its value. And pony up an extra $500,000 (for her credit card bills, I presume) for the privilege of being married to someone who bathes in spray-on tanning fluid and shame.

"I know I'm putting myself out there. I'm sincere. I believe in true love,"

That has been proven.

"I want to get married again."

Did she mention the imminent foreclosure? Good. That's important.

Craigslist used to be a happy place people where people could find an old couch, fence stolen goods, and find a like-minded person with whom to sever and consume one's penis. Don't go changing on us.

ED RESPONDS TO A CLINTON DEAD-ENDER

Back when George Bush pardoned Scooter Libby, I had the misfortune of attracting a loon – first as a commenter and then as an emailer. This person's ax to grind was her (extraordinarily novel) interpretation of Article II, Section 2, Clause 1 of the Constitution:

and he shall have power to Grant Reprieves and Pardons for Offenses against the United States, except in Cases of Impeachment.

She insisted that this meant that Libby could not be pardoned…because George W. Bush might potentially be impeached and Libby could potentially maybe be called to possibly testify in such a hypothetical impeachement. I began by politely explaining how goddamn retarded that is and that I have consistently heard better arguments from Rush Limbaugh callers. A dozen insane emails later, she finally dropped it…but not until she added me to the mailing list of her horrendous website! Seriously, have you ever seen a more poorly laid-out website? Autistic, farsighted apes could do better. Anyway, thus began my 3-year quest to stop getting emails from this deranged person who I can only assume lives in a haunted mansion with 27 cats.

Three years of spam later, it finally bore fruit; hilarious, amazing comedy fruit. An Open Letter to Hillary Clinton. I like Open Letters! I've written several on this site. So I figured, OK, I'll actually open this email! Maybe I can find some common ground with this Bea Arthur-after-multiple-concussions.

Senator Clinton,

First, thank you. Your steadfastness, your courage, your grace have been an inspiration to me, even though I was not originally a supporter of yours.

OK, I wouldn't exactly call April and May "graceful" on HRC's part, but I'm glad a candidate inspired you. What a positive beginning. I predict that the letter will go uphill from here.

I have an idea that I want to share with you about what you can do going forward that could possibly end up give you more power to effect the kind of change you want to make in this country than you could ever have in elected office, perhaps even the office of president.

Still OK so far. This sounds constructive! And very appropriate given that she has effectively buried her own political career. She needs a new direction. I'm looking forward to this.

First of all, please don’t drop out of the race.

Oh, fuck. I just pooped a little.

Anything can happen between now and August

Ask RFK! Wink Wink Wink!!!

including the chance that the Republicans might jump the gun on their oppo research, and Obama’s negative ratings rise so high that even the Kool-Aid drinkers among the superdelegates would have to pay attention.

Yeah! That's definitely what the DNC/Delegates should do…look at some mid-July opinion polling (suspend disbelief for a moment and pretend Obama polls poorly) and then switch candidates!!! Holy shitballs, Carolyn Kay. You are a genius! I can't believe you are not a highly-paid political strategist. Your party needs you and your Cat-Powered Idea Machine. What could work better than switching candidates in mid-campaign!???!!!!11!!???

Leave the option open to challenge the DNC’s unfair and possibly illegal handling of the delegates from Michigan and Florida.

Oh FUCK YEAH, you gotta leave open the possibility of letting the lawsuits fly!! Especially to challenge something "possibly illegal," like when Libby was pardoned! I cannot think of anything that would make HRC more popular than to start filing lawsuits and attempt to win the nomination in court.

Second, even if it’s offered, don’t accept a vice presidency.

We indirectly totally agree about this! Don't worry, no one in the Obama camp wants anything to do with that race-baiting nutbar and she won't be on the ticket unless the superdelegates force it. But you really give great career advice, too! I mean, what kind of idiot would take a job a heartbeat away from the presidency?? You should work for Monster.com writing a column called How to Spot and Subsequently Shit On Great Opportunities.

I don’t think it will be offered

Amen, tard-o!

because there seems to be some inexplicible but visceral hatred of you and President Clinton in the Obama camp.

Inexplicible? Visceral, yes. But do you really not understand it? You were sentient and awake during March, April, and May yet you don't understand the hatred? I have a mentally retarded friend who needs to have episodes of Full House explained to him. He just called me and said "I totally understand why Obama and his supporters hate Clinton" before eating another sporkful of modeling clay.

But even if it is offered, it would be used as a way to marginalize you. I don’t what that to happen.

No better way to bury someone away from the public eye like making him or her the Vice Goddamn President of The United States of America. Marginalization City, population: THE FUCKING VICE PRESIDENT.

Third, you are in a position to harness the voting, lobbying, and donation power of 17 million people to force more real change than I see coming from the so-called change candidate.

Most of those 17 million people are smarter than you, and they will get over their little hissy fits in a couple of days. They'll ask themselves a question, namely "Do I like Obama better than McCain?" They'll say yes and they'll vote for the guy you think they hate. See, only the true believers are willing to go to the end in the Fuhrerbunker (metaphor!) Everyone else flees the advancing Soviet army (metaphor!) when the cause is clearly lost. Only a couple of people are willing to enter the bunker and stick around for the bitter, gun-in-mouth end. Hitler, Eva Braun (metaphor!) and Goebbels (Lanny Davis. Also, Metaphor!) are going to fight to the death. Everyone else says "Yeah, fuck this. Let's go find some Americans and surrender. I'm not eating a bullet for this asshole." Those 17 million people aren't "true believers" like you think. That's just you, Lanny Davis, and Hillary. Christ, even Bill's going to abandon ship. Fucking CARVILLE abandoned ship. Carville. James Carville. Why? Because he's not an idiot and he doesn't feel like becoming persona non grata in his party. His own career is (shockingly) more important to him than going down in flames with Crazypantsuits.

Many of us are very angry at how you’ve been treated, and you could use that anger to build a grassroots organization

No, because everyone except you is going to GET OVER IT in a couple of days. Lanny Davis won't. If he doesn't eat cyanide, this grassroots organization is going to be you and Lanny Davis sitting around a rickety old card table bitching and moaning about the conspiracies to take down Hillary.

that could rival MoveOn.org in size and influence.

Right, like MoveOn but without the popular issue positions! Also, without the 17 million people who are all going to get over it and start supporting Obama! Also, without the influence because Hillary's going to turn herself into a pariah!

We could remain within the Democratic Party,

That's big of you. No Lieberman-esque independent campaign?

but a force to be reckoned with, to push a legislative agenda that is more in keeping with what is needed to make Americans’ lives better.

Like that gas tax holiday! And…..those other issues HRC talked about? Help me out here. All I remember is the race-baiting.

I would be very proud to help you build such an organization.

And how could it fail with a mind like yours? I can think of a few more productive ways to spend Democrats' time and resources. Like loading 100,000 Democrats and $100 million onto an oil tanker and ramming it into a jagged rock at full speed in icy waters.

Carolyn Kay
MakeThemAccountable.com

Thanks for playing. Also, TAKE ME OFF YOUR FUCKING EMAIL LIST.

Regards,
Ed

NPF: AN OPEN LETTER TO BILL O'REILLY

BillO,

I'm sorry I've waited so long to write, as I had to give priority to Chris Tucker and the vegans. Frankly you need a level of mental care far in excess of anything I can give you in this forum, but I'm willing to try because I care.

Bill, you need help. Seriously. Let's nip this in the bud before someone dies. We're all getting a good laugh out of watching you blow your stack on the set of Inside Edition (where you honed your unique brand of hard-hitting, substantive journalism) but it's nothing we haven't already seen you do. We all get angry sometimes, but, if we may draw a few lessons from Cold War-era international relations, it's important to recognize the value of a proportionate response.

Most people take a progressive approach to fury, slowly working in increments from mild irritation to pant-shitting rage. Those intermediate steps are important. They serve a purpose. Think of it like being with a woman, Bill. You can't go from "Hi, my name is William" to hard anal in 15 seconds. Hopefully this example illustrates the necessity of the incremental approach. The steps between mild irritation and explosive wrath are like lube…lube to let your circulatory system glide through one more potential stroke.

That's the terrifying thing about these video clips, Bill – you go from slightly terse to Hiroshima in the blink of an eye. There is only one person who can do that safely; his name is Wolverine. Are you Wolverine, Bill? I didn't think so. I'm worried. If your temper is set on a hair trigger like this, you're going to get pissed off at work some day. You'll come home, find out that your maid put your golf clubs in the wrong closet, grab a rolling pin, and bury it in her skull. Where are you going to be then?

Don't be fooled by the fact that Joe Scarborough probably got away with killing the woman he was fucking on the side…even though you're a TV star, the next stop will be life in prison. While I think that's best for you – you really do need to be someplace where you can be supervised – I realize that it isn't what you want. You want to continue filling the vital role you occupy in our national discourse.

Find a hobby that allows you to hit things, Bill. Tennis. Boxing. Drums. Chopping wood. Rugby. Play some violent video games that allow you to kill things without consequence. Listen to Slayer. Leave sweaty, panting messages on your co-workers' voicemail. Buy a dog and kick it. Cut yourself. You have so many options, and all of them are better than the road on which you're currently traveling at breakneck speed. It leads somewhere bad, Bill. The final act of this play isn't going to be pleasant. If you maintain the status quo, it will be somewhere on the continuum between a crippling aneurysm and a Richard Chase-style murder. If that sounds preposterous, you should realize that most of America has very little difficulty picturing you going down in a hail of police gunfire surrounded by the half-eaten remains of your victims.

Sincerely,
Ed