Name: Ed
Occupation: eBay Pirate
Location: Indiana
Contributions: Writer, editor, proofreader, Thomas Cooley Law Graduate Attorney
Main Areas: Music, alcohol-related content, legal hoo-hah, miscellaneous ranting
Super Powers: The Loop to O'Hare in 40 minutes. During rush hour, bitch.
Favorite Gin: Hendricks
Favorite Taco: El Famous Burrito steak taco
Prized Posession: vintage Fender Blender, Harmonic Percolator
If we were the 1985 Chicago Bears, he'd be: Mama's boy Otis, one of a kind.
While Intoxicated, He Once: Peed around Erik's head as Erik was vomiting in Mike's toilet.
Franz Kafka tattoos: 1.
"Look, the key to burning your car for insurance money is to leave a lot of copies of La Raza on the floor so the cops can assume Latino gang-bangers did it, and pee in the backseat so it smells like a homeless guy lived in it."
"See, what happened was……"
"Watching the draft on ESPN as opposed to attending it is the equivalent of experiencing a safari on the Discovery Channel"


Noted philosopher and endorser Bertrand Russell says:

"I'm not so sure I approve of this. I can't condone this kind of drunken debauchery.

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And what the hell is a taco? I've read Being and Nothingness, Critique of Pure Reason, and If Upon a Winter's Night a Traveler hundreds of times, and the word 'taco' is nowhere to be found. This website has none of the incisive wit of or The Michel Foucalt Internet Archives. is everything that is wrong with America. This is exactly why we philosophers prefer France. Cower under my condescending, Frenchy gaze of disapproval, Ginandtacos.

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(Mr. Russell was compensated for his endorsement with a copy of Mclusky's Mclusky Does Dallas album and a Jeffrey Brown comic, which he stared at quizzically while sipping cognac)

There will be more to come here at a later date. In the meantime, here are two of most requested items from years ago.

On Children, By Children – by mike.

On America, Where it's Easier to get a Car than an Education – by Ed.

Music endorser Keith Richards says:

"For decades, medical science has been trying to figure out why I'm still alive. I mean, honestly, I do enough smack and Demerol to kill a medium-sized elephant. One time Charlie Watts and I missed a flight out of Thailand in 1974 and we smoked so much opium that I thought I was the Virgin Mary! Then, after we freebased cocaine off of a wok, I came up with the rhythm guitar line for Brown Sugar! Let's not let the doctors (or the authorities) in on my little secrets for cheating death: a portable defibrillator……and the music page! These yankee chaps have some pretty rippin' taste in music, eh? Now read on and rock out with your cock out, man!"

(Mr. Richards was compensated for his endorsement with a prostitute, a bottle of Thunderbird Fortified Wine, a custom-fit coffin, and a prescription for canine birth control pills. He used them all, not necessarily in that order)

It's very difficult for most media to offer concrete opinions about new albums, or music in general, given that tastes are so highly subjective. No matter how god-awful an album is or isn't, it's bound to be somebody's cup of tea. Worse yet, in the era of media consolidation, the albums are usually put out by the same entities that publish the magazine (skim through some reviews of Warner Bros. albums in Time, Entertainment Weekly, or any of their 500 other publications if you want a good hearty gut-laugh). Or the magazines are so pitifully dependent on the economic morphine of their advertisers that every album gets at least a B+ rating (have Spin or Rolling Stone ever given an album an F? Or even a C?).

We here at don't have this problem. Since we happen to have good taste, we don't have a problem letting you know when yours sucks. In some cases, a lot. Take, for example, a Clay Aiken album or the latest "edgy" "rock" "masterpiece" from the Rapture. If you like that kind of music, you are an idiot. And we can just come right out and say it since your opinions don't matter.

So just in case you actually want to know anything about an album rather than just reading 1000 reviews saying "Hey this is great!", has arduously ear-tested and reviewed a number of albums for your edification. In a band and want your album critically eviscerated? Email for submission guidelines.

New Reviews – 8/1/05:
Saababanks – Relative Theory
Sugar Eater – Breadcrumbs for the Birds
White Trash Ambition – What do you want to be when you grow up?

New Reviews – 6/12/05:
Nine Inch Nails – With Teeth
Queens of the Stone Age – Lullabies to Paralyze
Senator – United Wire
Weezer – Make Believe
White Stripes – Get Behind Me Satan

The Bled – Pass the Flask

Franz Ferdinand – Franz Ferdinand

Genius – Liquid Swords

Giddy Motors- Make it Pop

Helmet- Unsung, The Best of Helmet

Local H – The No Fun E.P.

Local H – Whatever Happened to P.J. Soles

Marilyn Manson – Golden Age of Grotesque

McLusky – Undress for Success

Murder by Death- Who Will Survive and What Will be Left of Them

OutKast- Speakerboxxx- The Love Below

Probot- Selft Titled

Rage Against the Machine – Live at the Grand Olympic Auditorium

Rollo Tomasi – He Who Holds You

Sullen – Paint the Moon

Television – Marquee Moon (reissue)

The Five Deadly Venoms – Shapeshift

Vortis – God Won't Bless America


Ok, sorry this page is empty right now. Starting this weekend, will see a movie (or re-watch an old favorite) and post a review Monday night/tuesday morning. This way you'll have an excuse to stop by and see if anything else is new.

First up, Erik on "Timeline", maybe something else.

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See you then.

Ol' Dirty Bastard

Side note: This is the only time that we will be linking to the sad, sorry webpage for the magazine Vice. It's an ugly magazine that we'd prefer not to be formally associated with – but they did interview the Ol' Dirty. See how much weight the poor man has put on since jail, and get ready to buy his new clothing line (?).

If Sir Robert Burnett is's Jesus, then Ol' Dirty Bastard is our John the Baptist. Or are we John the Baptist? I'd like to think we are preaching his word – wait, I'm not sure. Anyway, has always felt a very special connection with the gifted and troubled rapper from the Wu-Tang Clan. Ol' Dirty is a walking testament to the promise of the fractured, absurd, wonderful life one can lead in America.

Don't believe me? Why don't we walk through a year in the life of Ol' Dirty Bastard. Let's take 1998, an eventful year for the Dirt Dog. If this isn't chaotic enough for you, I have no idea who you are.

1998 – The Year for Ol' Dirty Bastard


2-24 Ol' Dirty saves the life of a 4-year old child.
He ran outside of a studio he was recording in to help a girl who had just been hit by a driver. She was underneath the car and wsa being burned by
the engine. Ol' Dirty and several other rappers lifted the car off of her; Ol' Dirty visited her anonymously her in the hospital to make sure she was ok.

2-25 Ol' Dirty rushes Shawn Colvin's acceptance speech at the Grammy Award.
"Please calm down. I went and bought me an outfit today that cost me a lot of money, because I figured that Wu-Tang was gonna win," O.D.B. said, referring to the Best Rap Album that Wu-Tang was nominated for, but did not win earlier in the evening as the honor went to Puff Daddy. "I don't know how you all see it, but when it comes to the children, Wu-Tang is for the children. We teach the children. Puffy is good, but Wu-Tang is the best. I want you all to know that this is ODB, and I love you all, peace." "OK," Dirty announced from the stage. "I apologize my darling," he said to Colvin, who stood nearby, dumbfounded. "You're very beautiful and your speech was also very beautiful," he continued, referencing a speech she hadn't even made. "As a matter of fact, when me and you, with your speech, I think it was your speech that really attracted me up to the stage at that point of time to do that. So it's no disrespect at all. Thank you."


4-6 Ol' Dirty pleads guilty to charges of attempted assult.
The woman, Icelene Jones, is the mother of three of Ol' Dirty's children; he'll be back and forth to court in 1998 haggling out child support payments. ODB was granted a conditional release, while Jones was also granted a full order of protection as part of that ruling.

4-28 Ol' Dirty Changes his name to Big Baby Jesus.
"There's no more ODB no more. No, there's no more Osiris, that's all lies. From now on, my name is Big Baby Jesus" he announced to Vibe magazine. Later he told MTV News "I always been Jesus, I don't know what the big secret's been all these years. Hanging pictures up on the wall and crosses and things of that nature, I mean, it's all good, but the truth's gonna be revealed one day, and one day the truth's been revealed."


5-20 After two bench warrants are issued, Ol' Dirty pays back child support owed in court.
Big Baby Jesus misses court twice, and a bench warrant is issued each time. Finally, Ol' Dirty shows up, and agrees to pay $35,000, which is less than the total but agreed to by all parties.


6-30 Ol' Dirty Bastard is shot twice during a robbery at his cousin's house.
Ol' Dirty was staying at his cousin's house in Brooklyn, New York, when two black men knocked on the door. After Ol' Dirty answered it, the two men forced themselves inside, stole money and personal jewerly and then shot Ol' Dirty once in the arm, and once in the back. He was taken to Interfaith Medical Center, St. John's Division where he was treated and declared to be in stable condition.


7-1 Ol' Dirty is released from the hospital 8 hours after checking in.
A spokesperson at Brooklyn's Interfaith Medical Center called the wounds "superficial," and commented about O.D.B., "He's quite a character."

7-4 Ol' Dirty is accused of shoplifting a $50 pair of sneakers.
On the 4th of July, just days after being shot twice, Ol' Dirty is given a summons to appear in court on the charge of trying to walk out of a store wearing a $50 pair of sneakers that he did not pay for.

7-22 Someone steals Ol' Dirty's Range Rover
It was stolen from outside a Manhattan recording studio.

7-29 Ol' Dirty misses first court date for shoplifting charges.
A warrant for the his arrest was issued after the rapper failed to appear in court to answer charges stemming from the July 4 arrest for shoplifting.


8-11 Ol' Dirty Bastard misses second shoplifting court date.
Bad weather was the problem — he couldn't fly from New York to Virginia for the appearance. The judge was apparently quite forgiving and rescheduled the hearing for Thursday.

8-13 Ol' Dirty Bastard misses a third shoplifting court date.
Judge Robert L. Simpson, Jr. issued an order for his arrest without bond, much like a bench warrant with no chance of bailing out. If caught by the police, Dirty will be held in custody until his next scheduled court appearance in order to ensure his attendance, according to a spokesperson for the General District Court.


9-17 Ol' Dirty under arrest after making threats at a club.
According to the police, the rapper, whose real name is Russell Jones, was inside the venue while R&B singer Des'ree was performing, acting drunk and disorderly. The venue's security asked him to come outside to talk, at which point he refused and was ejected from the club. Upon his return, Dirty allegedly threatened to shoot members of the security staff, which is a felony offense. He is also being held for an unrelated traffic warrant. If convicted, the rapper could face one to three years in prison A spokesperson for the House of Blues says that the incident involving Dirty was minor.

The Virginia Beach, Virginia shoplifting case involving a $50 pair of Nike sneakers is ongoing as well.

9-30 Ol' Dirty is ejected from a Berlin Hotel.
While no charges have been officially brought against Ol' Dirty, other guests at the hotel were complaining because the rapper was hanging out on his balcony … naked.


11-6 Ol' Dirty arrested for threatening to kill ex-girlfriend, breaking into her work.
Ol' Dirty was arrested and booked on Thursday at 1 p.m. in Carson, California. Sheriff's deputies apprehended Dirty after his 27-year-old ex-girlfriend and mother of his one-year old child reported on Monday that he had allegedly threatened to kill her. On Thursday afternoon, she called police once again to tell them that he was en route to her job location. According to police reports, Dirty was apprehended while attempting to climb over the security gate to enter her job site. Dirty has another on-going case involving a previous terrorist threat charge. He is expected to appear in Beverly Hills Municipal Court on November 17 for allegedly threatening to shoot the West Hollywood House of Blues security staff.

He also faces shoplifting charges in Virginia Beach, Virginia over a $50 pair of Nike sneakers.

(image by nana)


Sumo wrestling legend and endorser Musashima says:

"As a child in Japan, my dreams of being a famous sumo Rashiki were limited by my healthy, slender physique. Then, one day, introduced me to a magical food from the lands of the west: the Taco. By designing every meal around the Gordita, Iassured my body of getting the 1,000+ grams of saturated fat I would need to become morbidly obese. The results speak for themselves: my pant size went from a Kate-Moss-like 28 waist to an ass-busting 96! Thanks to, I haven't seen my feet or genitals in months and I now receive medical care froma bovine veterinarian! Best of all, my belly's still growing! Thanks,!

(Musashima was compensated for his endorsement with 100 Enchiritos, a drum of melted hog fat, and a live, adult male ox, all of which he immediately consumed without swallowing or pausing to breathe)

Consult the Taco Doctor

We found this taco-related poem on the internet a long time ago. We still haven't found out who wrote it:

who invented the first taco?
who first said z


Gin pioneer, Knight Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire, and endorser Sir Robert Burnett says:

"Two hundred years ago, I had a dream… brew a beverage that was 44% alcohol and affordable to those who need it most: the working class and liberal arts graduates. That dream was culminated the first time I poured water, rancid pine needles, and rotting sugar into my bathtub to create the the first batch of Sir Robert Burnett's Super-Premium Fancy London Dry Gin. Ed, Mike, and Erik are my spiritual sons, carrying on my legacy by bringing cheap gin to the masses, where it belongs. Now if you'll excuse me, my liver is failing again."

(Sir Robert Burnett was compensated for his endorsement with the joy of watching Ed, Mike, and Erik slug down two liters of his creation)

Webster's dictionary defines gin as "a colorless alcoholic beverage made from distilled or redistilled neutral grain spirits flavored with juniper berries and aromatics (as anise and caraway seeds)" In reality, it is more than simple words can describe. It is the source of England's literary genius. It is the breakfast that brings Eastern Bloc athletes to newer and ever-greater heights.
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It is the inspiration for this fine webpage.

Click here to go the official Gin Reviews.

Click here to learn about our hero, Sir Robert Burnett.

Myths about Gin

MYTH #1–"Gin is best when mixed with tonic."
Wrong. Dead wrong. Only communists and pansies mix gin with anything.

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Gin is to be consumed straight, a state in which its medicinal properties are undiluted by other less purposeful liquids.

MYTH #2–"Gin tastes bad."
Don't make me smack you. Gin's robust yet willowy taste is only appreciated by a small elite. If you appreciate gin, you are on the top of the evolutionary ladder. You are fit for the most important and highest-paying jobs. If you think gin tastes like blowing a Christmas tree, you are missing a chromosome and will soon be eliminated by genetic herd-thinning.

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You are also a pussy.

MYTH #3–"I can handle gin so long as it's good gin."
Again, anyone who says this is to be regarded with extreme suspicion. The so called "fancy" gins, those whose snotty suburban attitudes make them feel like they are worth $40 a bottle, are the enemy of the true gin aficionado. We shall deal with these pretender gins in our gin review.