We at Ginandtacos.com encourage you to drink heavily and as often as possible. However, we understand the potentially undersirable state of intoxication that drinking usually leads to. Want to stay sober? Not sure if you're drunk or not? Considering driving but not sure if you're able?
Consult the following scale to measure your level of shitfacedness.
Level 1– Self-esteem building. Pants still on. Voice still at normal volume. Sentences coherent. Food staying down. You're as sober as the Fundamentalist Christian kids down the hall. You're fine. Get in the car and drive, you pansy.
Level 2– Feeling warm. A teensy-bit buzzed. Laughing a little louder than usual. You're not drunk, but you're on the path.
Level 3– Dancing freely and openly. Everything tastes good. Talking very loudly. Your own jokes make you laugh as though you invented the concept of comedy. Still in control of your faculties, but don't get in a car, numbnuts, because you're officially drunk. buy lipitor online buy lipitor no prescription
Level 4– Slurring like a retard. Drinking stuff you wouldn't normally touch. Obese, slovenly members of the opposite sex are starting to look reeeaaall good to you. Bury your keys at this point, you lush. buy lasix online buy lasix no prescription
Level 5– Almost totally gone. If you're male, you're in a fight. If you're female, you're calling someone a slut or whore. Standing and walking require intense concentration. You will feel like death warmed over tomorrow morning.
Level 6– Gone. Trashed. Vomiting copiously. Vocal expression reduced to mumbling. Walking no longer an option. Nothing you say to anyone makes any sense. Fortunately, you won't remember any of it.
Level 7– Slow down there, Boris. Beyond gone. Telling everyone in room that you love them. Frequent crude passes at members of opposite sex.
Pants off. Passing out is imminent. Will have no memory of this evening whatsoever.
Level 8– Whoa. Total loss of inhibition and control. If you can still move, you're probably fucking an appliance or something inanimate. Heroic vomiting, mostly stomach acid or painful dry heaves. If your friends liked you, they'd take you home or put you to bed at this point.
Level 9– Danger zone. Fall asleep on stomach, not back, to prevent dying like Hendrix. Awake but hazy. Pissing and/or shitting in pants. Mind, mouth, and memory cease functioning. Will pass out any second, thankfully.
Level 10– Jesus Harold Christ. Death imminent. Call priest, rabbi, and doctor. Make out last will and testament on napkin with lipstick. Body expelling fluids every way it knows how. Are you proud of yourself? Were those last 6 shots of gin worth it? Damn straight they were. You are one hardcore motherfucker. You are also going to be one sick motherfucker when you wake up. 16 hours from now. And introduce yourself to the person you slept with. And wonder where the hell you are.
As a public service, we here at Ginandtacos.com have undertaken the arduous, self-sacrificing process of taste-testing nearly every gin on the American market. This list evaluates just about every gin you will ever encounter, except bathtub brews or the ones our broke asses could never hope to afford. In those cases, just assume that the shit is really good; at $50 a bottle, it better be. All estimated prices are based on fifths and vary wildly depending on location. We suggest liquor stores with bullet holes in the windows and a refrigerated Sisqo display.
Name: Ed Occupation: eBay Pirate Location: Indiana Contributions: Writer, editor, proofreader, Thomas Cooley Law Graduate Attorney Main Areas: Music, alcohol-related content, legal hoo-hah, miscellaneous ranting Super Powers: The Loop to O'Hare in 40 minutes. During rush hour, bitch. Favorite Gin: Hendricks Favorite Taco: El Famous Burrito steak taco Prized Posession: vintage Fender Blender, Harmonic Percolator If we were the 1985 Chicago Bears, he'd be: Mama's boy Otis, one of a kind. While Intoxicated, He Once: Peed around Erik's head as Erik was vomiting in Mike's toilet. Franz Kafka tattoos: 1. Quotes:
"Look, the key to burning your car for insurance money is to leave a lot of copies of La Raza on the floor so the cops can assume Latino gang-bangers did it, and pee in the backseat so it smells like a homeless guy lived in it."
"See, what happened was……"
"Watching the draft on ESPN as opposed to attending it is the equivalent of experiencing a safari on the Discovery Channel"
And what the hell is a taco? I've read Being and Nothingness, Critique of Pure Reason, and If Upon a Winter's Night a Traveler hundreds of times, and the word 'taco' is nowhere to be found. This website has none of the incisive wit of www.ennui.com or The Michel Foucalt Internet Archives. Ginandtacos.com is everything that is wrong with America. This is exactly why we philosophers prefer France. Cower under my condescending, Frenchy gaze of disapproval, Ginandtacos.
(Mr. Russell was compensated for his endorsement with a copy of Mclusky's Mclusky Does Dallas album and a Jeffrey Brown comic, which he stared at quizzically while sipping cognac)
There will be more to come here at a later date. In the meantime, here are two of ginandtacos.com most requested items from years ago.
"For decades, medical science has been trying to figure out why I'm still alive. I mean, honestly, I do enough smack and Demerol to kill a medium-sized elephant. One time Charlie Watts and I missed a flight out of Thailand in 1974 and we smoked so much opium that I thought I was the Virgin Mary! Then, after we freebased cocaine off of a wok, I came up with the rhythm guitar line for Brown Sugar! Let's not let the doctors (or the authorities) in on my little secrets for cheating death: a portable defibrillator……and the Ginandtacos.com music page! These yankee chaps have some pretty rippin' taste in music, eh? Now read on and rock out with your cock out, man!"
(Mr. Richards was compensated for his endorsement with a prostitute, a bottle of Thunderbird Fortified Wine, a custom-fit coffin, and a prescription for canine birth control pills. He used them all, not necessarily in that order)
It's very difficult for most media to offer concrete opinions about new albums, or music in general, given that tastes are so highly subjective. No matter how god-awful an album is or isn't, it's bound to be somebody's cup of tea. Worse yet, in the era of media consolidation, the albums are usually put out by the same entities that publish the magazine (skim through some reviews of Warner Bros. albums in Time, Entertainment Weekly, or any of their 500 other publications if you want a good hearty gut-laugh). Or the magazines are so pitifully dependent on the economic morphine of their advertisers that every album gets at least a B+ rating (have Spin or Rolling Stone ever given an album an F? Or even a C?).
We here at ginandtacos.com don't have this problem. Since we happen to have good taste, we don't have a problem letting you know when yours sucks. In some cases, a lot. Take, for example, a Clay Aiken album or the latest "edgy" "rock" "masterpiece" from the Rapture. If you like that kind of music, you are an idiot. And we can just come right out and say it since your opinions don't matter.
So just in case you actually want to know anything about an album rather than just reading 1000 reviews saying "Hey this is great!", ginandtacos.com has arduously ear-tested and reviewed a number of albums for your edification. In a band and want your album critically eviscerated? Email ginandtacos.com for submission guidelines.
Ok, sorry this page is empty right now. Starting this weekend, ginandtacos.com will see a movie (or re-watch an old favorite) and post a review Monday night/tuesday morning. This way you'll have an excuse to stop by and see if anything else is new.
First up, Erik on "Timeline", maybe something else.
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Side note: This is the only time that we will be linking to the sad, sorry webpage for the magazine Vice. It's an ugly magazine that we'd prefer not to be formally associated with – but they did interview the Ol' Dirty. See how much weight the poor man has put on since jail, and get ready to buy his new clothing line (?).
If Sir Robert Burnett is ginandtacos.com's Jesus, then Ol' Dirty Bastard is our John the Baptist. Or are we John the Baptist? I'd like to think we are preaching his word – wait, I'm not sure. Anyway, ginandtacos.com has always felt a very special connection with the gifted and troubled rapper from the Wu-Tang Clan. Ol' Dirty is a walking testament to the promise of the fractured, absurd, wonderful life one can lead in America.
Don't believe me? Why don't we walk through a year in the life of Ol' Dirty Bastard. Let's take 1998, an eventful year for the Dirt Dog. If this isn't chaotic enough for you, I have no idea who you are.
1998 – The Year for Ol' Dirty Bastard
FEBURARY:
2-24 Ol' Dirty saves the life of a 4-year old child.
He ran outside of a studio he was recording in to help a girl who had just been hit by a driver. She was underneath the car and wsa being burned by
the engine. Ol' Dirty and several other rappers lifted the car off of her; Ol' Dirty visited her anonymously her in the hospital to make sure she was ok.
2-25 Ol' Dirty rushes Shawn Colvin's acceptance speech at the Grammy Award.
"Please calm down. I went and bought me an outfit today that cost me a lot of money, because I figured that Wu-Tang was gonna win," O.D.B. said, referring to the Best Rap Album that Wu-Tang was nominated for, but did not win earlier in the evening as the honor went to Puff Daddy. "I don't know how you all see it, but when it comes to the children, Wu-Tang is for the children. We teach the children. Puffy is good, but Wu-Tang is the best. I want you all to know that this is ODB, and I love you all, peace." "OK," Dirty announced from the stage. "I apologize my darling," he said to Colvin, who stood nearby, dumbfounded. "You're very beautiful and your speech was also very beautiful," he continued, referencing a speech she hadn't even made. "As a matter of fact, when me and you, with your speech, I think it was your speech that really attracted me up to the stage at that point of time to do that. So it's no disrespect at all. Thank you."
APRIL:
4-6 Ol' Dirty pleads guilty to charges of attempted assult.
The woman, Icelene Jones, is the mother of three of Ol' Dirty's children; he'll be back and forth to court in 1998 haggling out child support payments. ODB was granted a conditional release, while Jones was also granted a full order of protection as part of that ruling.
4-28 Ol' Dirty Changes his name to Big Baby Jesus.
"There's no more ODB no more. No, there's no more Osiris, that's all lies. From now on, my name is Big Baby Jesus" he announced to Vibe magazine. Later he told MTV News "I always been Jesus, I don't know what the big secret's been all these years. Hanging pictures up on the wall and crosses and things of that nature, I mean, it's all good, but the truth's gonna be revealed one day, and one day the truth's been revealed."
6-30 Ol' Dirty Bastard is shot twice during a robbery at his cousin's house.
Ol' Dirty was staying at his cousin's house in Brooklyn, New York, when two black men knocked on the door. After Ol' Dirty answered it, the two men forced themselves inside, stole money and personal jewerly and then shot Ol' Dirty once in the arm, and once in the back. He was taken to Interfaith Medical Center, St. John's Division where he was treated and declared to be in stable condition.
7-4 Ol' Dirty is accused of shoplifting a $50 pair of sneakers.
On the 4th of July, just days after being shot twice, Ol' Dirty is given a summons to appear in court on the charge of trying to walk out of a store wearing a $50 pair of sneakers that he did not pay for.
8-13 Ol' Dirty Bastard misses a third shoplifting court date.
Judge Robert L. Simpson, Jr. issued an order for his arrest without bond, much like a bench warrant with no chance of bailing out. If caught by the police, Dirty will be held in custody until his next scheduled court appearance in order to ensure his attendance, according to a spokesperson for the General District Court.
SEPTEMBER:
9-17 Ol' Dirty under arrest after making threats at a club.
According to the police, the rapper, whose real name is Russell Jones, was inside the venue while R&B singer Des'ree was performing, acting drunk and disorderly. The venue's security asked him to come outside to talk, at which point he refused and was ejected from the club. Upon his return, Dirty allegedly threatened to shoot members of the security staff, which is a felony offense. He is also being held for an unrelated traffic warrant. If convicted, the rapper could face one to three years in prison A spokesperson for the House of Blues says that the incident involving Dirty was minor.
The Virginia Beach, Virginia shoplifting case involving a $50 pair of Nike sneakers is ongoing as well.
9-30 Ol' Dirty is ejected from a Berlin Hotel.
While no charges have been officially brought against Ol' Dirty, other guests at the hotel were complaining because the rapper was hanging out on his balcony … naked.
NOVEMBER:
11-6 Ol' Dirty arrested for threatening to kill ex-girlfriend, breaking into her work.
Ol' Dirty was arrested and booked on Thursday at 1 p.m. in Carson, California. Sheriff's deputies apprehended Dirty after his 27-year-old ex-girlfriend and mother of his one-year old child reported on Monday that he had allegedly threatened to kill her. On Thursday afternoon, she called police once again to tell them that he was en route to her job location. According to police reports, Dirty was apprehended while attempting to climb over the security gate to enter her job site. Dirty has another on-going case involving a previous terrorist threat charge. He is expected to appear in Beverly Hills Municipal Court on November 17 for allegedly threatening to shoot the West Hollywood House of Blues security staff.
He also faces shoplifting charges in Virginia Beach, Virginia over a $50 pair of Nike sneakers.
Sumo wrestling legend and Ginandtacos.com endorser Musashima says:
"As a child in Japan, my dreams of being a famous sumo Rashiki were limited by my healthy, slender physique. Then, one day, Ginandtacos.com introduced me to a magical food from the lands of the west: the Taco. By designing every meal around the Gordita, Iassured my body of getting the 1,000+ grams of saturated fat I would need to become morbidly obese. The results speak for themselves: my pant size went from a Kate-Moss-like 28 waist to an ass-busting 96! Thanks to Ginandtacos.com, I haven't seen my feet or genitals in months and I now receive medical care froma bovine veterinarian! Best of all, my belly's still growing! Thanks,Ginandtacos.com!
(Musashima was compensated for his endorsement with 100 Enchiritos, a drum of melted hog fat, and a live, adult male ox, all of which he immediately consumed without swallowing or pausing to breathe)
Consult the Ginandtacos.com Taco Doctor
We found this taco-related poem on the internet a long time ago. We still haven't found out who wrote it:
