The end of the semester entails many tedious tasks – grading, listening to endless student "But I need a higher grade" speeches, manually entering hundreds of grades into the university's system (with an interface fresh out of 1996), etc. – but I always get a kick out of going through the class rosters and enjoying the ridiculous names. People name their kids some seriously stupid crap, moreso here in Georgia than at my previous school. Misspelled "regular" names are popular (i.e., Nichoal, Abigale, Morgyn…no, I'm not making these up) as are made-up names that saddle kids with a burden they will never be able to shed. Incidentally, though, some of the most hilarious ones are bad first-last name pairings. "Crystal" would be a fairly normal name for a girl, but when one's last name is Waters it turns into a porn name. And of course if the family name is something like Sackrider or Raper the first name is irrelevant.

It would be inappropriate at best (and illegal at worst) to actually post hilarious student names here. Instead, I'll use the disproportionately large number of genital-themed names in this semester's crop of students as inspiration for a list of my own favorite real names from the world of penis humor and related disciplines. It's Friday, I'm finally done with a year that dragged on forever, and we could all probably use a giggle. And if you're as mature as me this will probably do the trick on a Friday. Note: Be sure to check out two older posts: the Most Ridiculous College Football Names and All-Time Ridiculous Baseball Names. Man, those were fun.

1. Dick Assman. David Letterman devoted most of a summer to Mr. Dick Assman…from Regina, Saskatchewan. The city is pronounced like the genitals, as if a beneficent God would allow Dick Assman to be from any other city.

2. Dick Pole. Covered this one with the Baseball Names All Stars.

3. Dick Pound. The former International Olympic Committee official provided history with one of the greatest headlines of all time: "The Righteous Fury of Dick Pound."

4. Dick Wolf. Every Law & Order fan giggles at the end of the opening credits, just as the awesome music fades out, when producer Dick Wolf is credited for his fine work.

5. Dick Trickle. Olbermann may recall that in the mid to late 1990s, every episode of ESPN Sportscenter hosted by Keith prominently featured the starting and finishing position of an obscure, not-very-good NASCAR driver Dick Trickle. He now sponsors a race in his native Wisconsin called, I shit you not, the "Dick Trickle 99", which sounds like either an extremely questionable trick football play or an unfortunate memory of a careless summer.

6. Dick Blazer. Anyone who has driven through Kokomo, IN has enjoyed billboards for Blazer Farms, a proud family run operation under the direction of Mr. Dick Blazer.

7. Dick Hammer. The 1970s TV series Emergency! (a largely forgotten forerunner of today's popular hospital/emergency dramas) featured a fire captain named Dick Hammer. Not only was the actor a real fire captain, but he was actually named Dick Hammer.

8. Dick Hyman. A world-renowned pianist. That's right: Dick Hyman, the pianist.

9. Dick Butkus. Pronounced Dick Butt-Kiss. Yep.

10. Congressman Norm Dicks (D-WA). Too bad Dick Armey is no longer in the House. The possibilities for hilariously co-sponsored legislation are endless.

11. Peter Bonerz. Prolific producer and sometimes director of forty years of popular TV series such as ALF (imagine how hard this image made me laugh when I was eight), The Bob Newhart Show, Wings, and many more.

12. Tobin Buttram. You haven't heard the name but if you play video games you've probably heard his music. Most recently he scored the hit game Left 4 Dead.

13. Chubby Cox. This needs an asterisk, as his given name was actually John.

14. Sally Mangina. A college tennis coach in Illinois. Let's hear it for the ladies, at long last!

15. English football (soccer) stars Dean Windass and Nicky Butt. If only they played on the same team. The Butt-Windass duo would be…I don't even have the words.

Do you feel ashamed of how hard you laughed at this? Lighten up. Embrace it. Use the comments to add your own.

Special Bonus: A legend and pioneer in the field of geology, Prof. Reinhardt Adolfo Fuck.

96 thoughts on “NPF: DICK PARADE”

  • Dick Mountjoy, a candidate for governor (or senator) here in California a few years back, is still my favorite. Seeing that name on our ballot…

  • David Letterman made some custom apparel for Mr. Dick Assman. Short with first name on the front and last name on the rear. Feels good to exorcise another meaningless memory from my adolescence.

  • I think I might actually consider going back to college for another round if I could say, with a straight face, that I was in Professor Fuck's class.

  • HiFi guitar player Rev.Ever turned Dick Wolf into a verb, because of the long-standing Law & Order story trope of ending an episode with some sort of mind-blowing plot point, and a quick fade to "Executive Producer: DICK WOLF." Thus, whenever someone drops some crazy-ass knowledge on you and immediately exits the conversation/room, you have been "Dick Wolfed."

  • My dad's name is Dale Lee Holm. It took no time at all for hid little brother to come up with his name read backwards (Holm-Lee-Dale) or Homely Dale. Of course this stuck all through childhood until he left the state for college.

    So never assign a name to your child until you've read it backwards. It can be really hurtful for them for many years if you name them wrong.

  • A local news anchor in Orlando was named Rod Johnson. If I remember correctly, he was a big black guy with a deep voice. I don't think he's working there any more.

    Good times…

  • Anyone who is an Aqua Teen Hunger Force fan has probably seen the infamous "Dickesode", with memorable lines like, "CLOSE THE DICK-GATE!"(A lever is pulled, and a pile of dicks fall from the ceiling.

    Thanks to that unforgettable voice acting, whenever I watch a Law and Order episode and see the end credits, I hear that voice in my head shouting "RELEASE THE DICK WOLF!"

    It's my gift, and my curse.

  • In Anderson, IN there is an industrial supply company called Jack Raper Supply. He has the luck of having an unfortunate name twice. First his last name and his names resemblance to "Jack the Ripper". Chuckle everytime i see the sign.

  • Breezeblock says:

    There was a math teacher in my high school named Dick Kuntz. I never had his class, thankfully.

  • In elementary school there was a councilor/admin couple, Mr and Mrs Dick. His first name: Harold.

  • Laugh now, but when you least expect it, Dick Butkus will lay you out with a blindside hit so vicious it will retroactively kill your dad.

  • During the 1990s and early 2000s when Dick Armey was in office, there was a very popular band on the DC club scene named Dick Army. They put out a CD called Helmet Party.

  • When I was doing a journo program in high school we had to cover a guy named "Dick Seaman." Someone actually tried to call him Richard, but no, he insisted on Dick. Dick Seaman. Which is funnier if you say it out loud. Funnier still if you're in high school.

    Thanks for the post. This gets added to my theory that if your name is Dick [Something funny if your first name is Dick], you will refuse to go by Richard or Rich, for reasons I cannot discern.

  • The Freakonomics documentary has a great segment on how one's name can have an impact on life prospects. In particular, how having a name that is not a typical "white name" can significantly reduce your chances of being called for job interviews. I wonder what sort of effect these names have, clearly they haven't prevented success.

  • I once saved a telephone message for years because the caller, a sales rep for something or other, said his name was "Guy Jackendoff".

    Also, I once had a phone conversation with someone named "Fern Plush"; I don't know why that's funny, but it is.

  • Hey, Ed! My husband went to law school with "Dick Foote" who had to listen to his first professor say something along the lines of "Dick Foote? Is there really a Dick Foote? He must be very popular with the ladies…."

  • When I was kid, my Dentist was John Cox.

    A deceased friend of mine with the last name Hohl was predeceased by his brother Harry. My friend's widow has the middle initial A. That will spoil any first name.

    I am not making this up.


  • I worked in a shop for a while. One of the customers we had was a little old lady with the last name of Manlove. I commented that it was an unfortunate name. One of the techs said, "Yeah, and her husband has it even worse." I, of course, asked what her husband's name was. He paused for a moment, then said, "Dick."

    Still cracks me up to this day.

  • My kid's Spanish teacher is "Senorita Dick".
    You cannot believe how much mileage a 9 year old can get out of this.

  • Bill Lear of Lear Jet fame (and also inventor of the 8-track cartridge) named one of his daughters Shanda. True story.

    One of my all time favorite movies is L.A. Story, which featured Sarah Jessica Parker playing the character SanDeE*

    It's not just in the South that people spell names strangely. Though it happens here a lot. My nephew just had a baby and they named the kid Kenady (instead of Kennedy). I don't know why.

  • And for dirty jokes, a friend with the last name of "Bader" told me one of his high school teachers always called him "Master" instead of his given first name.

    The nickname stuck.

  • There's Dick Towers, who was Southern Illinois' football coach and AD.

    There's Joe Lunghammer (pronounced 'Longhammer') an auto dealer in the Detroit area.

    I've met a family of Pinkstaffs.

    "Crystal" would be a fairly normal name for a girl, but when one's last name is Waters it turns into a porn name.

    From the back to the middle and around again
    I'm gonna be there til the end
    100% pure love

    So now that song is jammed into my head for the rest of the day. Thanks for that.

  • Naming offspring in horribly misspelled ways is all the rage right now. There's a blog that highlights it pretty well:

    In the Philippines I've noticed something strange. All of the boys have strong, normal, Christian sounding names, usually in English. Patrick, Peter, Mark, John, etc. My fiance is named Jingle, her sister Pinky, and her friend Glitter.

  • Elder Futhark says:

    I knew a guy from India who's surname was "Dikshit". Dickshit has been one of my fav-o-rite words ever since.

    And let's not forget the ladies. I knew a guy who's last name was Vaginaire. Pronounced "vag-IN-airy". Although I pronounced it "vag-in-wah".

  • Back when I was a kid, our church had an organist named Gaylord Fagerland. This was in the midwest 30 years ago, and I don't know for sure, but most everybody didn't 'get it'…except the kids.

  • I started a thread once upon a time on a message board about people with names that sound like they should be porn names. Unsurprisingly, it was mostly populated with sports stars, as most other famous people have the sense to change their names into something less provacative (unless they are actuall IN porn).

    Some winners not previously mentioned:

    Randy Johnson
    Magic Johnson
    Roman Hamrlik
    Pokey Reddick
    Misty Hyman
    Ron Tugnutt
    Tom Sizemore
    Rusty Kuntz
    Y.A. Tittle

    And of course,

    Michael Steele and Joe "the Plumber"

  • Duh Quarterly says:

    I was once the technical hosting contact for a porn company, and the guy I dealt with was named "Richard Rammidge", which I thought was kind of weird, but that's what it said on his business card. When I'd call him he'd answer the phone with a cheery "This is Dick Rammidge!" so either it was a made up name or he had a really good sense of humor about himself. He was a dick though.

  • HoosierPoli says:

    Don't forget noted British MP, Mr. Ed Balls. But really England is the capital of un-self-conscious names. My favorite example is this sweet little town called Cockermouth (as in, "Cockermouth? I just met 'er!") And where else could this illustrious little village be situated, but the County of Cumbria?

  • Entomologista says:

    My husband went to high school with a girl named Amanda Mount. "I'm looking for Amanda Mount, I need Amanda Mount." Say it out loud, it's awesome.

  • Went to school with a kid named Mike Hawk. Say it loud! Wouldn't you go by Michael? The youth of Flathead Valley, Montana, were too clean minded to harass him. Plus, his dad was a cop.

    Alphabetical order class seating often put me next to John Thomas, too. Classic.

  • @ladiesbane:

    I went to high school with a kid named Mike Hunt. Say it fast! Also refused to go by Michael.

    I also knew a guy named Johnny Lay, a wonderfully pornstar-like name.

  • Mike Hawk may have been OK in Montana, but he wouldn't have made it in Boston.

    *Mayor Quimby voice*

    "I'm nevah gonna forgive Mike Hawk for getting me in this mess."

  • Knew a dude named Dick Pink. Yes, he insisted on "Dick," not Richard. Seemed comfortable with it, too.

    And then, let us not forget the family company in Kansas what makes corrugated containerboard (what us rubes who know no better call cardboard)—they use the family name, which is "Love." But do they call it the Love Containerboard Company? No, no. They call it….wait for it….the LOVE BOX Company. Their URL is Go ahead, look it up. Har.

  • In Holland, there's a new-agey 'healer'-type called Tom de Kok. Let's hope he doesn't have a brother called Dick. Or gets married to Ingrid van Dyke and decides to double-barrel his name. You couldn't get through life without major therapy with a name like de Kok-van Dyke.

  • Cracked has already done some of the footwork here, if you alter your aim to the names with the BIGGEST dicks. My favorites:

    Dr. Duncan Steel
    Stirling Mortlock
    Magnus Ver Magnusson

    But add to that a military title, and you get:
    Commander Flex Plexico
    Staff Sgt. Max Fightmaster

  • Back in the 1960s, I knew, through a friend, Dick Stroker, and knew, where I worked, Peter Handler. I always thought it would have been interesting to introduce one to the other.

  • @ladiesbane:

    Went to school with a kid named Mike Hawk. Say it loud!

    Oy, like Mike Hunt, one of those jokes names we use on conservative petitions to draft Lou Dobbs and such. Hilarity ensues.

  • Neal Deesit says:

    In Austin Texas, there's a urologist named Dr. Richard (Dick) Chopp. In the comments on another site discussing odd names , one of his patients wrote:

    Just got snipped by Dr. Chopp Friday. Every guy gets a T-shirt that on the back says "I got Chopped" in large letters. He does have a good sense of humor. He wore a camouflaged apron over scrubs so that I "Could not see him" work.

    In South Bend, IN, there was a dentist named Dr. Toothaker, pronounced TOOTH-a-ker.

  • Dick Bender…

    Dick Hertz…

    Not real people (or rather, none that I know of personally). Every time I read or hear these names, though, I giggle like a 10 year-old boy. And I'm pushing 50 (and I'm giggling as I type this)…

  • I went to high school with Dickson Hand. The Fourth.

    About 20 years ahead of me, a guy named Andrew Peter Nuss graduated: A Nuss; A P Nuss; Andrew P Nuss. You get the idea.

  • When students are tested for learning disabilities they are given the Woodcock-Johnson cognitive abilities test. I've seen at least one parent giggle when the test results are read.

  • Anne Laurie says:

    My first boyfriend, gods bless him, was named 'Kent' because his mother figured 'nobody could possibly figure out a way to make an ugly nickname out of that'. Poor innocent woman. It wouldn't have been quite so unfortunate if their last name wasn't… Johnson.

  • prosopopeia says:

    Here, we can seriously threaten to send misbehavin' students to see Dean Ramsbottom. "I'm sorry, but for this kind of issue, I think you may have to talk to Dean… Ramsbottom." It turns out, they'd rather not.

  • Sorry, your names can't hold a candle to those my wife teaches as a K-5 teacher in south Fulton county.

    She had a child named Diablo.

    She has a vast number of kids whose names are largely composed of punctuation.

    And the one name that no one will ever top: NvMe MzBRtha Mae.

    Yes, you read that right, for real and all: Envy Me Miz Bertha Mae. Someone named their child that.

  • John Boehner, the douche House Rep: I don't care how his name is actually pronounced, it looks like "boner" and "boner" it shall be.

    Anthony Weiner, House Rep for New York's 9th district.

    There's a guy I work with who is of German heritage. I won't say his exact last name, but let's just say it turns into "weinershaft" by strategically substituting/adding two consonants. I thought I was clever by coming up with this nickname and asked him if I was the first: he said not even close and that his 6th grade teachers called him this.

    Probably my all time fav is Mike Hawk because the HR lady where I work sent a company-wide email announcing his retirement. Also, I can't believe there is more than one!

  • I love human names…

    And don't forget Al Smutko, who always appeared in the credits of one of the Star Trek TV series. "Hi, I'm Al Smutko. Hell good to meetcha."

  • TheColourField says:

    Many years ago when I worked as a Bank Teller I cashed a cheque for (I kid you not) Shat U Fuk.

    All I could do to not laugh out loud as I counted out the bills.

  • While not technically "Dick"-related, two come to mind: (1) a not particularly beloved campus police officer at ASU named Larry Fuchtman (pronounced just like you'd expect–I truly wish his first name was Richard!); and (2) Tom Raper, whose mobile home billboards plaster the highways for miles across Indiana. I would NOT trust a raper to sell me a home!

  • inthesouthnow says:

    Not Dick related but still making fun of Georgia…I used to work for Cobb county and had to maintain customer files. You would not believe the number of folks with the surname 'Turnipseed'. And then they would have first names like Shelia and Micheal and Caron. That's how they would spell Sheila, Michael and Karen.

  • I met a girl who's name is Myfanwy (Mi-van-we) and she dating a Richard.

    Her friends would introduce them as Dick n My-fan-y.*

    I often ponder if the reason Kip(land) Kinkle went on his shooting spree has something to do with his parents poor choice of name. I also wonder if they'd also given him a middle name like Kurt or Karl. At least he was saved that indignity.

    Thinking of Dick Pound, during the Sydney Games these two tried to see how many times they could say his name in a segment. Sorry I couldn't find footage of them saying it, but it's vaguely on topic:

    *fanny throughout most of the Commonwealth is slightly more forward than they US concept of the word, but even then it's still funny.

  • There's a urologist in Bowling Green, OH named Dick Tapper. I wish I were making that up.

    Also, political organizing is another occupation where the constant flow of great names on call/walk lists is a big fucking layer of icing on the cake. Over the course of four months running a field office I compiled about two notepads worth.

  • My 6th grade Spanish teacher was Senorita Dickleman.

    Dickleman. I still giggle now thinking about it.

  • Dick Johnson is an Australian motor racing legend. Probably the best known name in the sport. As well as being a former driver, he also owns Dick Johnson Racing.

  • I know a man named Wayne Carr. That may not sound so bad, but try it with your best Crocodile Dundee accent.


    I've seen him cringe visibly while introducing himself.

  • @Paul Camp –

    "She has a vast number of kids whose names are largely composed of punctuation."

    Yes. Best/worst example I've come across is T-a.

    Pronounced Tadasha (of course).

  • electricgrendel says:

    There's a urologist here in Austin named Richard Chop. Apparently he's got a thriving practice despite being called Dick.

  • Dick Hyman:
    A couple of years ago a bunch of us 30-somethings were dancing in the basement of a friends house. She has an old stereo/TV console down there. One of our other friends had given her a bunch of her parent's old 33 records to play on the stereo. During the dance party, someone grabbed a "Dick Hyman and The Moogs" album from the stack…..and when they pulled the record from the sleeve, a dry-rotted, 1980's condom popped out along with it. We later concluded that back in the day, our friend's parents must have used the "Dick Hyman" album as a hiding place for their condoms.

  • Goggles Pisano says:

    Don't forget Constable Richard Head of the Ottawa Police force. Affectionately know as Dick Head.

    Still makes me laugh even after all these years.

  • A list like this would not be complete without the mathematicians named Harder, Pink and Titts….

  • Ha! Tom Raper! You went there and I loved it. "Off I-70 in Richmond, IN?"… yeah I saw one too many of those commercials when I was a kid. Great NPF! :)

  • At IU, I think I had a Japanese instructor named Cockerham-sensei. Pronounced "COKEr-ham", as always.

  • Jose Jacobo says:

    Michael Hunt, pitching coach for the 2010 Mat-Su Miners of the Alaska Baseball League.

  • John Moore says:

    I went kayaking in Belize a number of years ago and met Dick Head. Ex-military. I can only guess how that went. All this just goes to show that it was a good move in fourth grade to switch to my first name rather than keep using Dick. I could have been Dick More.

  • Shit, I forgot one! I'm dealing with a case where the opposing counsel is Tae Whang of the firm of Pak & Whang. It's pronounced "Wong", but "Packin' Wang" is too good to pass up. My whole company knows about these guys now.

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