Just when you thought that America couldn't get any more odd.

Yes, we all know that super stores in the United States are some of the most surreal places known to man. Nearly everyone I know used to go to Meijer (midwestern superstore) ages ago with no shopping agenda, just to pass some time in awe and wonderment at the fact that they could literally buy anything.

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However, with the recent growth of super Walmarts and the whatnot, the novelty has sort of worn off.
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Well, these stores couldn't let that happen could they? There is no way that they could just let our interest in their mind numbing absurdity wane.

It recently came to my attention that in Boise Idaho…..


a couple was married in a Walmart!

This is one of those moments that you really wish you were kidding.

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You are desperately hoping that someone is playing a horrible joke on you. However, in the words of the bride:

"It never dawned on me to have it anyplace else."

Yes clearly what they were actually thinking is that all of their friends and relatives are lazy and cheap. They were going to put off buying a wedding gift until the absolute last minute, and they desperately wanted a bargain.

Speaking of bargains, some people choose to start their married life at Walmart while others apparently would like to end theirs at…


Costco's Universal Casket Department?


There is little room left to make fun of this. We stepped into this story a bit late, every news source in the country has already made all the relevant jokes- particularly those in Chicago where the market is being tested. One of my favorite was when WLS radio personality Roe Conn asked the question: "when are they going to go on sale? Perhaps around the holiday season?"

Some sources are skeptical that Costco can actually successfully break into the casket business:

"Third-party suppliers have been around for a while now," said Walkinshaw. "Costco is pricing caskets at $800, but many funeral homes offer caskets for much less than that amount. I don't think this will change the landscape of the market."

Yeah, so anyway, America’s superstores, for all your marriage and death needs.

You might be a completely worthless idiot if…

We here at the Ginandtacos Corporation try our hardest to take the high road. We pride ourselves with the degree to which our gentlemanly persona is an example for future generations of gin drinkers and taco consumers. However, unfortunately, there comes a time when something so mind bogglingly idiotic occurs that while in a hopelessly confused stupor we must share it and pray that in doing so we will find some catharsis.

On August the 11th some anonymous, and clearly well educated individual commented these honest criticism of the ginandtacos.com Champaign Bar Reviews, specifically referencing our reviews of Kam's and C. O. Daniel's:

It's complete bullshit for you to rate bars that you have either never been to or only visited a few times. You make ridiculous judgments about the "type" of people who frequent certain bars. I, as well as all my friends, went to Kams, CO's and Gully's.
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As far as paying $5 to get in- not if you knew someone…

You bet you can drink "one more than us." That, as well, is probably bullshit. Unless you stand at the bar of CO's and do Jagerbombs all night long, I doubt this is true. Drinking $1.50 pints of High Life for three hours is not the true definition of getting fucked up.
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Coincidentally, the only campus bars that don't make you want to shoot yourself are the ones that make me want to shoot myself.

Possibly the only true thing you have said in your entire posting of useless drivel is that you would get your ass kicked at Kams.

Peace, bitch.

Posted by at August 11, 2004 11:07 AM

Ginandtacos.com would like to present as a counter argument: You sir are a little bitch of epic and historically significant proportions- a bitch on such a level that your friends neighbors and coworkers will be in constant awe of your unadulterated bitchiness.

We would also like to propose that you look something like this:

That being said, you might ask yourself why it is that ginandtacos.com believes you so be so utterly without worth? Let me address this on a point-by-point basis.

  • You seem to feel as though I am not able to make an accurate assessment of Kams of CO Daniels because I don’t frequent these establishments. It does not take a long arduous study to conclude that these bars smell of puke (probably yours) and urine. It does not take going to a bar every night to realize that their floor is so covered in shit that you have to throw out your pants and shoes when you get home. At this point, it does not take great leaps of faith or intense mental fortitude to assume that the regular patron of such an establishment has neither intelligence nor self respect- or really is even aware of the existence of either of these things.

    In case there is any doubt, take a look at these photos courtesy of IlliniParty.com :


    Try and play the fun and exciting how many of these men are of age versus how many of the women game.

  • The only reason I ever mention that I drink more than you…is well… because I can. At this point in my life it is not something that I take great pride in, but well, it is true.
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    The fact that you use as a counter example your seeming epic consumption of Jagerbombs can only serve to confuse the issue. You are no doubt either underage or confused. Jagermeister is not hard liquor. It is about on the level of peach schnapps.
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    If you had paid more attention in your introduction to numeracy class you would be able to figure out that 16 ounces of beer has about twice as much alcohol as a shot of Jager. Of course that never occurred to you did it? No doubt all the Red Bull you consumed had sped up your metabolism to disturbing levels clouding your judgment. I will forgive you this point, as an inexperienced drinker you probably mistook this feeling for drunkenness. However, if you ever get serious, try drinking beer and whiskey; it’s better for you.

As a final note.
1. Knowing someone who can get you into a shitty bar for free is not cool.
2. Neither is implying that you would kick peoples asses because they are different from you.
3. You are a little bitch.

Governor Schwarzenegger Revisited

When Arnold followed Jesse Ventura in gaining a governorship, the rest of us were left only to wonder how long it would be until Carl Weathers decided to run. For those of us that don't live in California I don't think there is any possible way for us to figure out why exactly this happened. Complicated things like "car taxes" were in play.

To the casual observer, it seemed the Mr.

Schwarzenegger was elected based on several principles.
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  • The people of California were paying too much money to drive their cars.
  • Arnold's campaign was largely based around quoting lines he had once said in various movies.
  • Californians found that his accent, and virtual inability to speak English inspired trust.
  • The desire to not have to see previews for another Arnold Schwarzenegger movie for at least 4 years.

The only thing that I had really heard about his role as governor was that he did in fact give all residents of California a rebate on their car tax. The George W. Bush school of economic theory seemed firmly in place. Combat the fact that you are dealing with massive deficit spending and debt by telling your constituents that if you are elected you will cut them a check. Threaten that if anyone else is elected they will take your money away.

Today I saw something even more amusing. Arnold insinuated today that the democrats in the state were, in fact, "girlie-men". So apparently I am too believe that if I am a resident of California, what I really want to inspire confidence that the economic nightmare I am currently living in will soon be over is a leader quoting Saturday Night Live luminaries "Hanz and Franz."

Don't worry, all the state really needs is for democrats to get "pumped up".

Not to let their own personal brand of stupidity be relegated to second place, democrats promptly demanded an apology. No, they were not offended that Arnold had not noticed the time they had spent in the gym recently. They proclaimed that use of the term "girlie-man" is sexist and homophobic. Well yeah, I guess it is. If you were to assume that the use of the term connoted that legislators were either acting like women, or were effeminate men instead of invoking an image of Dana Carvey in a padded sweat suit.

So here is the question I pose, who is the real idiot here? Is it Schwarzenegger for continuing to pander to the lowest common denominator?

Or are the state legislators the true political morons for taking his idiotic remarks so damned seriously?

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I have always had a soft spot for shameless action movies.

I enjoy the occasional action movie.

I am not ashamed of that. I think that it is perfectly natural. About a year ago I saw the movie "The Bourne Identity". All said, it was fairly decent.

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It contained all of the elements of an action movie that are required. That being of course…action and Franka Potente. I have to admit to then being a bit intellectually confused by the movie.

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I knew at the time that it was based on a book by Robert Ludlum, but was really unaware of anything else about Robert Ludlum or the book. What confused me was the fact that this fun 2 hour long action movie was ever actually a book.

This confusion turned to interest one evening when I was at my parents’ house and saw an old copy of the book. What the hell, I thought. Its summer, I can read some meaningless action book.

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Let me take a moment from this long (and no doubt uninteresting to most) tirade to point out that I am morally opposed to criticizing a movie for not remaining true to the book. However, the degree to which the movie The Bourne Identity strayed from the book was nearly laughable. I was surprised to find that Robert Ludlum was actually a very good mystery/suspense writer. The book was exceptionally dynamic with a quite intricate plot.

Okay, now I will very briefly describe what happens in the movie. Jason Bourne is pulled from the ocean unconscious and shot several times. He suffers from amnesia, has no clue who he is aside from a Swiss bank account number. A bit of a shady premise, I know. Anyway he then embarks on an action filled trip to Paris on the way coming across a bohemian (read unemployed and worthless) woman, Franka Potente, and numerous US government agents trying to kill him. It turns out that he was a government assassin that had a change of heart.

Yes, really I know. It sounds lame. It was lame, but it was amusing.

Now, on July 23rd, one of the most confusing action movie sequels is going to be released.


The Bourne Supremacy

I really know that I should not be at all shocked. All action movies that do moderately well get a sequel or two. This whole thing seems a bit off to me because the original book was actually a trilogy. There were two built in sequels. Yet for some odd reason the screenwriters removed every single bit of the plot that let there be a sequel. The series is supposed to be about Bourne's ongoing struggle with an international hitman named "Carlos." To the best of my knowledge "Carlos" does not actually appear in the movies at all. This is not the only major plot element that was changed for not perceivable reason.

  • Franka Potente's character is supposed to be an intelligent internationally recognized Canadian economist- whose influence in the Canadian government is important to the story. For some reason this powerful female character was turned into a worthless idiot.
  • Jason Bourne was never an assassin; he was just an undercover government agent trying to arrest an assassin.
  • They killed off Bourne's best friend for the rest of the trilogy in the first movie.
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  • The government never actually tries to kill him but once. Most of the harms way he is in comes from Carlos.

This is of course not even mentioning that the movie did not come address any of the psychological issues that were in the books, and removed almost all of the mystery and suspense in favor of more action. I only mentioned things that really made no sense to be changed.

Oh well. I will probably see the movie when it comes out just out of curiosity. The sequel is supposed to be about how Jason Bourne goes to Asia after his wife is kidnapped. He has to find and kill an assassin posing as him in order for her to be released. We will see how this goes. Bare in mind, I actually thought that the first movie was all right until I realized how good of a story it could have been.

What the hell is wrong with Hollywood? Why do they seem categorically opposed to having both action and a good plot on the same screen? Why do they take a story that is good and remove all the interesting bits? These are questions for which there are no answers.

The fantastic journey of political hatred

The joke has been made in pretty much every permutation possible. A month ago I heard that John Kerry's polling numbers go down every time he is in the spot light and up everytime Bush is doing…
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well… anything. This situation has gotten pathetic to the point where, I am sure that if I didn't live here, I would have to point my finger and laugh at all Americans. Can someone please tell me what the hell it is about our political system that attracts some of the largest fucking losers this country has to offer? When did it get to the point where our system of government was really just a big joke?

I mean honestly people… how can we sit here and listen to politicians discuss gay marriage and the like and honestly be swayed by the arguements. Do we really believe that whether or not someone served in the National Guard or drove a boat around during the Vietnam war is vital to how well they can lead? How long are we as a country going to sit around on our fat pork rind consuming asses and listen to talking heads debate pandering non-issues?

Well, the truth is in the numbers.
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John Kerry is losing the battle of who do we want to be president least. Is it really possible that we will elect a president this way?
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Yes, its true Mr. Kerry. We don't like you.

Looking at the history of New York Times/CBS polling numbers we see a very intrigueing trend. John Kerry is leading Bush by one point (he is behind by one if Nader is considered).

This is not really the interesting part.
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Within the following questions they ask the respondents to comment on how sure they are of their choice. There is a column indicating that you have made up your mind because you dislike the other canidates. Eleven percent of those voting for Bush are doing so because they hate Kerry. However, and dear lord I wish I were making this up, 37% of people saying they are voting democrat are doing so for no other reason than the fact that they think Bush is a fucking idiot of epic proportions*.

Read the poll for yourself if you don't beleive me. All the jokes are actually true. If we elect Kerry in November we are not electing him, we are just not voting for the other guy.

Yeah, so anyway…. Who wants to move to France with me? Honestly, at least they revel in how fucked up their political system is.

*not actual question phrasing

Brace yourselves NYC prostitutes, the Republicans are coming

Much to our surprise, politics and sex do in fact mix.

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Personally I never look at the New York Daily News.
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To be quite honest, I have to assume that it is not the most reputable news source around. However I think this story was far too amusing for me to ignore.

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Particularly since I found it linked from Rush Limbaugh's website.

Anyway… I guess a large gathering of politicians and the politically minded also results in big business for the sex industry. The New York Daily News is reporting that the prostitutes from around the world are being flown into New York City to supply the demand of the Republican Convention.

Yeah, so, um, I guess Iraq is back in the hands of the Iraqis

Two days before the official date to turn over power, The United States has given Iraq back its government… sort of.


Read about it in the New York Times here

It would really be nice if there was something witty or comical that could be said about this situation. Unfortunately, it is just kind of sad. The irony of handing sovereignty over to a country while you still have 160,000 official troops on the ground sort of speaks for itself.

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Yes, I suppose that Hungary was sort of a sovereign nation before the fall of the Soviet Union. What control are these new leaders actually going to have? I am willing to bet they will not be overseeing "coalition" troop movements.

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They are not going to have much say at all as to the rebuilding of the country. They say themselves that they have no imediate domestic of foreign initiatives planned.

So what is the new governement planning on doing? What is going to be different. Well, for one thing they are considering (with US support) rescinding some of the "western freedoms" the United States so proudly gave to the Iraqi people. They want to declare a martial rule to help fight insurgents.
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For all of you out there wondering what point turning over power now serves, it seems rather straight forward. George Bush gets to say he is giving Iraq back to the Iraqis. They get to blame the Iraqis for future problems and the real kicker is that they are going to get more power to rule the country by brute force because actual Iraqis are condoning it. It really makes a lot of sense when you think about it.

Oh, and as a side note I am sure that Republicans will be out in force hailing this as a sign of true progress and the first steps toward a democratic Iraq. Lets see how many times when they are talking about this progress they mention the fact that they had to move the transfer of power forward two days and hold the cerimony secretly to avoid it being bombed.

Guided by Voices, They are rock scientists.

The history of rock music is eponymous with the consumption of epic quantities of booze. Most famous rock bands in history have also consisted of famous drinkers. I am not old enough to have personally been able to see some of the legendary rock and roll alcoholic preform personally. I am sure Keith Moon and John Bonham were true epic drinkers not to be quarrelled with- they are both dead now.

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Keith Richards has lived his life notoriously wasted, but has released nothing but shit for a very long time.

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Sure, Motley Crue claims to have mainlined Jack Daniels, but they sucked. I am going to postulate the Guided By Voices are the drunkest bastards to play true ass kicking rock music. They are rock stars.

While it might be true that GBV have never been huge, it is a testiment to their music that after 20 years they can still sell out clubs on weekdays in small towns. Although they fall into the catagory of "indie" there music supercedes genre. It falls into the greater catagory of "rock." They are fabled to have written somewhere between 1200 and 1500 songs. I personally have about 800 of them in mp3 format, so I don't doubt it. However, the fact that most of their recordings are true examples of low-fi art, where this band really shines is while on stage.

They typically play for about 3 hours. When they go on stage they are visibly intoxicated. It is then all the more impressive that while playing 3 minute songs the band members are able to drink a beer per song, mixing it up with whole bottles of tequila and whiskey. What is even more amazing is that they have been doing it (Robert Pollard at least) for 21 years, and the fact that Robert Pollard is 46 years old.

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Toward the end of their show they are clearly wasted in a way that would even make Local H's Scott Lucas's jaw drop. Robert Pollard is filling the time between songs glorifying himself and his band members while making fun of other bands on his label (specifically made fun of at the show I saw last night: Yo La Tengo and Cat Power). Despite the fact that most of the band can barely speak between songs, somehow they channel superior rock genetics and play perfectly.

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To punctuate this, here are two examples. New years eve two years ago GBV opened for The Strokes.

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Numerous reviews of the show indicated that Robert Pollard gave The Strokes a lesson in being rock stars. This of course means that he got them so wasted they could barely play, then went on stage with them and showed them how it was done.

More down to home, after their show last night I saw their bass player in the Steak and Shake buying food for the band at 3am… it is clear that they did not stop drinking when they got off stage.

Guided By Voices is playing their final tour as a band. I am sure Robert Pollard will be touring as a solo artist, and that there will be a GBV reunion in two years, but the moral is that theoretically this is their last tour. They are playing Chicago new years eve, their last show ever. You would have to be insane to not try and go.

Damn, its gotta suck to be gay

Few things other than terrorists seem to offend republicans more than the concept of two homosexuals getting married to each other. For the, seeming, vast majority of us out there, we can't really understand the issue.

Even if you do not approve of homosexuality, it appears to me that the only value opposing gay marriage has is the age old "If I can't see it, it doesn't exist." arguement.

If we accept that people are gay and like most people agree that there is really nothing wrong with that, then all you are doing by not allowing their marriage is denying a substantial portion of the population rights everyone else has. In fairness there are a substantial number of reasons why allowing gay marriage is just the right thing to do. There is really no point in talking about this here.

The opposition seems to generally make the case that either, by allowing gays to marry they are somehow less married or that homosexuals are all clearly going to hell and don't deserve any rights period. It is this "reasoning" that has led to the discussion of an amendment to the constitution forbidding same sex marriage.

For the moment I am going to assume that everone thought the same thing I did when George Bush alluded to this during his last state of the union address- that talk of an amendment is simply political maneuvering and no one really expects it to actually occur. Yes, sure enough that seems to be the case. The Drudge Report indicated this morning that there is talk in Washington about a July vote on the amendment. Don't worry, there aren't nearly enough votes for it to pass. So what good does it do? Well, it forces democrats up for election to publically take a stand on the issue.

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Isn't that swell? The Republicans would like to have on record for campaigning who is for or against gay marriage.

Aint politics fun?