GIN AND TACOS

The average American couldn't name the five rights guaranteed by the 1st Amendment if you held a gun to his or her head. Those who seek to become naturalized citizens should be no different.
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The following is a real flash card offered as a study aid for those taking the "citizenship test" through the INS:

Yeah, I'm pretty sure they're missing one. Or maybe the omission isn't an accident.
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Freedom of the press has really been a pain in the President's ass lately, and his last six years in office have already made clear his power to edit the Constitution at will.
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I've always liked Pat Buchanan. He's honest, and he doesn't varnish his loathing for various segments of the population under the cloak of "compassionate conservatism" or any such nonsense. Personally, I'd much rather end up with a guy who says "No, really, I don't like gays" than a guy who pretends he does and then screws them every chance he gets once in office.
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"No, put the flag behind me, lest anyone question my allegiances."

The second reason I like him is that for the longest time (pre-Stockdale) he was pretty much the only entertainment in presidential elections. You could always count on ol' Pat for a couple of gold nuggets.

In 1992, he challenged and defeated incumbent President G.H. Bush in the New Hampshire primaries. Then he went on to sink the latter's campaign by insisting on a keynote address at the 1992 GOP convention in which he used phrases like "moral jihad" to describe the party's mission to "govern by the Bible." Safe to say that scared the living shit out of about 70% of the voting public. Molly Ivins described Buchanan's speech as "Decent. But I liked it better in the original German."

Fourteen years later, and suddenly Pat appears to have been A) a prophet and B) a religious moderate compared to those who would follow in his footsteps.

But his progressive ideas didn't stop there. In 1996 part of his campaign centered around the idea of building a giant fence between the U.S. and Mexico. Boy, that was good for a yuk! Ha ha ha! That Pat Buchanan, he sure is a cut-up. I mean, he was alive when the Maginot Line was built! Surely he knew better.

Fast forward to 2006 and our current intellectually handicapped GOP: "No, seriously, build the fucking fence." And who can blame them. The logic is flawless. Once the border is demarcated by a steel fence, illegal immigration will become impossible.

I can't think of any way to get past a fence, can you? Didn't think so.

This is emblematic of why the current generation of conservatives are such an utter embarassment.
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The ideas that used to be offered up by fringe lunatics – Buchanan's fence, the national sales tax, Forbes-o-nomics – are now part and parcel of the majority ideology. Star Wars/SDI, which Reagan used as a bluff (since it's technologically impossible) to convince a teetering Soviet Union that it couldn't afford the next stage in the arms race, was revived in 2002 as "national missile defense." How's that project coming along, guys? Another couple hundred billion and you might even have a prototype that works under heavily rigged testing conditions!

If this trend continues (and since the GOP has anointed itself God's chosen people, how could it not?) I look forward to a reintroduction of more ideas mined from the rich intellectual history of bat-shit insane ultra-right conservatism. Ketchup may once again be a vegetable, and we have but scratched the surface of the visionary foreign affairs insights of Barry Goldwater.

No I'm not happy, Hollywood. And I won't be until you stop doing this.

Don't forget to read all the way to the end, where they reveal some other upcoming sure-to-be-awesome (not to mention completely original) films.

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This is the United States. It is the same United States map that has been in use for the past half-century. In fact, the continental portion of it has been unchanged since the admission of Arizona to our union in 1912.

I will give you a minute to study it.

Apparently the majority of college students have never seen this map before today. National Geographic and Roper have done a survey and found, to almost no one's surprise, that geography is yet another subject in which American college students are fucking retards.

For the record and before we get started, my nephew is 3 and can put together an entire floor-map puzzle of the United States. And when I hold up one of the state quarters, he tells me the state and it's motto.
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"Uncle Ed, that's Minnesota, the land of 10,000 lakes.
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"

He's 3.

Thirty-three percent of college students, however, can't find Louisiana. Hurricane Katrina must not have helped, because LA is much harder for them to find than Ohio (which is identifiable to a whopping 50%) and New York (43%).

Don't even get me started on how they fared with the global map. Let's just say it isn't pretty, and 75% of them think English is the most widely spoken native language on Earth. Read the link for yourself if you're curious about whether or not they can find India, Iraq, or Israel (hint: they can't).

Am I being an unfair elitist here? What the fuck is so fucking hard about this? Let's start with some basics. Up in the northeast (that's the top right hand side of the map. Your right hand is….no, the other hand. Look, put both hands out in front of you, palms away, and stick your thumbs out.
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The one that makes an "L" is your left) we have Vietnam (VT). It is bordered by New Holland (NH) and Macedonia (MA). Its capital is Na Trang. Many Americans fought and died there in the 1970s.

The big purple one at the bottom is Mexico (TX – in Mexican, "M" looks like "T"). It is our #1 trading partner aside from China (CA). To China's north is the Orient (OR) and the state of Las Vegas (NV) is nestled to its east (right). The states Alaska (AK), Hawaii (HI), Praetoria (PR), and Vincent (VI) are all islands that float around the United states, which is itself an island.

I hope this has been informative. Dipshits.

Boy, it's really funny how other governments have to pay some attention to their budgets and operate in the mental realm of "real money" rather than fantasy.

This week promises to be an unanticipated vacation for many residents of our colonial bombing range/non-state neighbors in Puerto Rico. Their government has shut down over an acute budget shortfall and inability to raise emergency revenue.

Those silly brown people! Don't they understand the American Way of solving massive budget shortfalls?

1. Print more money

2. Have the government borrow massively against the "faith and credit" of itself, the very same government that needs to borrow against its own faith and credit because it's broke

3. Print a couple billion in treasury obligations.

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Sell to China. Decry trade deficit, foreign investment, and plummeting value of the dollar.

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Repeat.

Unbelievable! Silly Puerto Rico. No wonder it's not a real state. They're going into full crisis mode over a $740 million shortfall. Pussies! Here in the mainland, we piss through that amount in Iraq in about 12 days. Psh. Three-quarters of a lousy billion dollars. Hell, you wouldn't even need an emergency appropriation – you could just tack a rider on to something else for an amount that piddling.